It turns out Dh is a massive bastard

[PaddingtonStation]

Dh normally works away Monday-Friday and comes home at weekends. As it’s the end of the world he’s working from home atm though.

We’ve been together a decade, 2 dc. Marriage a bit boring but nothing in any way abusive. If anything our problems are caused by him being too much of a pushover and never sticking up for himself.

When we first got together and I met a few of his work mates they all just kept saying how different he was when he was around me, that they’d never seen him relaxed or joking, that he was considered a bit of a dragon at work. I never really thought too much about it, he works in a pretty cut throat industry (investment banking) and is quite senior. I just passed it off as him having to develop a harder shell at work so he doesn’t get shit on.

He never talks about work much when he’s at home, just says that he prefers to keep work and real life separate, that he doesn’t want to spend his family time talking or thinking about work. I’ve always considered this to be a good thing as I’ve got so many friends who just can’t switch off from work.

Since lockdown he’s set up an office in the spare room. Most of his work is being done on the phone or Zoom and he’s locked in there from about 8-8. He comes out to go for a run at lunch time but won’t acknowledge dc or me, just puts headphones in and runs out the door. The rest of the time I’m pretty much trying to keep the kids at the bottom of the garden as all that’s coming out of his office is the sound of him shouting and swearing at people on the phone.

He’s normally lovely. Well, annoying and doesn’t take the bins out but certainly not sweary and aggressive. The only time I’ve ever heard him swear in the time we’ve been together was when a duck once flew into his face. On the odd occasion I swear he’s visibly winced so I try not to in front of him as I thought he really disapproved of it.

I’m genuinely in shock and don’t know how to feel about it. I had no idea at all that he was like this. I told him I was pretty shocked after I heard him on the first day he was here. He just said that it’s hugely stressful times as no one knows what to expect and he’s trying to ensure they’ve all got jobs to go back to. Which is understandable, I guess. But the way he sounds like he’s speaking to people is just so condescending and aggressive I just can’t seem to match it to the man that I’m married to.

ReadyforTakeOff Thu 02-Apr-20 12:35:24

It's the banking world. Yes, other jobs are (equally) stressful but it is to be expected.

What you are saying is that toxic masculinity is acceptable in certain circumstances, namely investment banking.

Are other expressions of toxic masculinity acceptable in certain circumstances - in finance, for instance, are sexist jokes and sexual exploitation of younger female colleagues or administrative staff acceptable? Because investment banking...

ReadyforTakeOff spot on. Plus bullying staff by aggressive swearing should never be acceptable anywhere.

Nathan - the world ain't perfect. We all know what's "right" and what isn't. People go into careers knowing what they are getting into and if they genuinely don't, they should.

Yes, we all know people shouldn't be stressed yada yada but people take up roles for a variety of reasons. All jobs have their good and bad points.

Investment Banking is highly stressful but paid extremely well - everyone knows that. The OP is benefitting from that.

I work in a similar world - young grads graft for hours on end because they want to. They work very hard and see the rewards in terms of money, promotion and future prospects and it is a pay off they want to take.

Saying all that, if he is bullying and causing significant grief to staff then that's an issue. In such a case, he should be reported to HR who should deal with it how they see fit. All such firms will have a channel for reporting abusive behaviour which should be dealt with promptly.

The reason why OP started this thread was because she was surprised that there is a side of her DH she didn't know which I read it as she just realised that she doesn't know her DH's personality that well, and I sense that at the moment she is trying to brush this matter aside and tell herself is all well, there is nothing to worry, this is not a red flag she might have missed. That may be true, her DH may be a genuinely good person forced to adopt aggressive attitude due to the environment he is in.

Only OP knows her DH and she needs to get to know her DH properly and have a think whether that is acceptable for HER.

As we can see here there are wide range of opinion, from people who don't want to be friends with people who swear to their subordinates to people who are Ok even if their partners bully people as long as he gets paid well, children are fed and he doesn't do it to OP. The later appeared to reflect majority of opinion; OP needs to decide herself what is right for her, as long as she knows what sort of person her DH actually is and be honest to herself.

You married an investment banker and are surprised he's a bastard??
In all seriousness though, I've always thought that the way someone treats subordinates or people they don't get any kind of "benefit" from is a measure of what they're like as a person.
Some men will act nice around their wife or girlfriend, because it's in their interest to keep her happy, but will be wankers to people that don't serve their interests. I couldn't be with someone like that.
Yes, it's a stressful time, I also work in a high pressure industry that's being affected by Coronavirus. Our bosses are being kinder to us than usual, because they understand it's hard for everyone. The acceptance of bully-boy behaviour and "this is just how it is" is why so many workplaces are toxic and there are high levels of stress/anxiety/depression. It doesn't have to be this way.

overthinker1988 I married my husband, not an investment banker. Workers in certain industries aren’t one homogeneous group. I had never seen any sign that Dh was what you’d consider to be your stereotypical investment banker. Back in the days when I used to go on dates I would never go on a second date with anyone who was rude or condescending to waiting staff at restaurants. I’ve always seen that as a quick way of spotting a dickhead (along with red trousers, pinky rings and personalised number plates ). Dh always was and always has been ridiculously polite to everyone, to the point I’ve often got pushed off with him for refusing to complain when he’s been given the wrong food/ uncooked chicken etc.

I get that it’s a stressful time for people but from what I know (or thought I knew at least) Dh is always the one calm voice of reason, not the one shouting and swearing at people.

@Paddingtonstation I know, I was being slightly tongue in cheek.
I'm sorry you're having to put up with this. It's obviously bothering you if you've started a thread about it, so ignore the people telling you to put up and shut up because his job is oh so important. Your feelings are valid and
I too would find it unnerving if my husband (or anyone I thought I knew really well) suddenly switched personalities like that. I get that people have work personas that are different from what they're like at home but not to this extent surely. But, you know him better than us so I don't really know what advice to give.

Thanks overthinker I don’t know what advice I wanted really. It’s just so odd to find out that he spends most of his waking time as a person that I don’t know or like.

At home my DH is the most gently spoken, laid back man you have ever met to the point it can be irritating sometimes. At work he is completely different, a potty mouthed whirlwind of energy and ideas. He is WFH at the moment and our adult DC have paused outside the spare bedroom door a few times to listen to a side of their dad they’ve never encountered before.

I wouldn’t dream of saying a thing to him. I have no professional experience in his field so I cannot say if it’s appropriate or not and since he’s been working in it for over 40 years, has many good friends and close colleagues and has reached a high level, his employers and clients obviously don’t object.

Stand idly by while your H and his colleagues and friends perpetuate a work environment in which the successful man gets away with everything, in other words.

A work environment in which women are probably seen as meat.

Dh in quite an aggressive profession (corporate litigation) but he is so decent to his team. He is concerned about his colleague whose dh just left her so she’s on her own rurally with a lively reception child trying to do complex work. He doesn’t fit in with his fellow senior Male colleagues who are knobs. I know as I used to work with them. Not buying into toxic masculinity has actually hampered dh career. He’s not “one of the of the lads”

So is he just being his normal chilled self before and after 8 and at weekends?

Sounds like the only reason he can be chilled at home is because he beats the crap out of people at work.

You have benefited from it. If it doesn't sit right with you now, just leave or speak to him about it.

OP, there is a type of person who wears different masks with different people. He wanted you to believe that he was a certain type of person, because he knew that otherwise he would be unacceptable to you. So he became that person.

At work, he is free to let, shall we say, more of his true self show. And now the two worlds meet in a way that is showing you who he really is.

Robert Hare wrote a book about this, it's called Psychopaths in Suits. You should also read his 'Without Conscience' book. People picture psychopaths as murderous and criminal. Whereas the most successful are anything but. Only a psychopath is capable of maintaining a convincing facade the way he has done with you. Because trust me, he KNOWS you wouldn't have tolerated someone who was nasty to waiting staff. That's how you spot a narcissist, not a psychopath.

I strongly suspect this is what you have on your hands. He wants something from you (they always want something from their targets) - and hopefully that is only children and a family life - a cover of being a normal human being. Take care, and look after yourself, OP.

It sounds like cowardly bullying behaviour to me, the fact he does it at work when he has the barrier of seniority for protection, yet out in the real world is a push over. And you're right nobody likes hanging out with (never mind marrying) a bellend