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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It turns out Dh is a massive bastard

215 replies

PaddingtonStation · 01/04/2020 20:38

Dh normally works away Monday-Friday and comes home at weekends. As it’s the end of the world he’s working from home atm though.

We’ve been together a decade, 2 dc. Marriage a bit boring but nothing in any way abusive. If anything our problems are caused by him being too much of a pushover and never sticking up for himself.

When we first got together and I met a few of his work mates they all just kept saying how different he was when he was around me, that they’d never seen him relaxed or joking, that he was considered a bit of a dragon at work. I never really thought too much about it, he works in a pretty cut throat industry (investment banking) and is quite senior. I just passed it off as him having to develop a harder shell at work so he doesn’t get shit on.

He never talks about work much when he’s at home, just says that he prefers to keep work and real life separate, that he doesn’t want to spend his family time talking or thinking about work. I’ve always considered this to be a good thing as I’ve got so many friends who just can’t switch off from work.

Since lockdown he’s set up an office in the spare room. Most of his work is being done on the phone or Zoom and he’s locked in there from about 8-8. He comes out to go for a run at lunch time but won’t acknowledge dc or me, just puts headphones in and runs out the door. The rest of the time I’m pretty much trying to keep the kids at the bottom of the garden as all that’s coming out of his office is the sound of him shouting and swearing at people on the phone.

He’s normally lovely. Well, annoying and doesn’t take the bins out but certainly not sweary and aggressive. The only time I’ve ever heard him swear in the time we’ve been together was when a duck once flew into his face. On the odd occasion I swear he’s visibly winced so I try not to in front of him as I thought he really disapproved of it.

I’m genuinely in shock and don’t know how to feel about it. I had no idea at all that he was like this. I told him I was pretty shocked after I heard him on the first day he was here. He just said that it’s hugely stressful times as no one knows what to expect and he’s trying to ensure they’ve all got jobs to go back to. Which is understandable, I guess. But the way he sounds like he’s speaking to people is just so condescending and aggressive I just can’t seem to match it to the man that I’m married to.

OP posts:
lonelyonee · 01/04/2020 22:39

@ofwarren me too! Absolutely setting myself to the point I might rip a stitch (gave birth on Friday) really needed that laugh though!!!!

OP... when you go to work you have to put your work hat on so to speak! That's all this is, with the added pressures of lockdown, working from home, and uncertainty of businesses at the moment.
Honestly imo I'd just try to support him a bit, I'm sure he'd appreciate it as he sounds stressed lovely x

lonelyonee · 01/04/2020 22:40

Wetting*

Original poster
PaddingtonStation · 01/04/2020 22:43

Thanks for the reassurance. I’m not planning on asking him or even really wanting him to change his behaviour. I’ll ask him to swear slightly more quietly though. I’m just slightly in shock at just how different he is when in work mode. It was him being so condescending that I’m most surprised at. I can understand shouting and swearing in the current environment but calling people ‘fucking idiots’ on the phone is just so far removed from the man I know.

The duck was fine. It was 5 years ago so I’m assuming it’s dead now though Smile

OP posts:
TKAAHUARTG · 01/04/2020 22:44

I worked with someone like this. He was a cunt. It did eventually spill over into his personal wife. His poor wife, she did eventually leave him, but put up with so much shit beforehand. When someone shows you who they are and all that..

Dahlietta · 01/04/2020 22:45

Sorry, he's an investment banker and you're surprised that he's an arse? You know it's rhyming slang, right?

TKAAHUARTG · 01/04/2020 22:45

Especially someone who is “condescending” it does not sound like he is very good at his job if he resorts to that.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 01/04/2020 22:46

@Lynda07 not intentionally no

Amymayapple · 01/04/2020 22:48

@PaddingtonStation now that you have said what he said, I understand

There is no need to call anyone "fucking idiots".

Very unprofessional and could put him in the firing line of a bullying claim

Boredbumhead · 01/04/2020 22:50

Investment banking? Yeah, I'm not surprised your husband is feeling the heat, if he's swearing a lot it's probably for a good reason.

∆∆that.

Now is not the time to do 360 feedback on him.

Bouledeneige · 01/04/2020 22:53

It's very unhealthy to live being two people and however pressured it is right now, you know that this is who he usually is at work. It's very old school to be a dissonant person - a very different, ugly person at work, compared with who he is at hone and a human being. Mostly this idea died out in the 80s because people respond better to values leaders who lead by inspiring others. Frankly I can't imagine anyone who'd respect or want to work for your DH.

I think you should tell him how it makes you feel. The shock you feel. He probably won't like it and as he's obviously operated like this for years he's unlikely to change. It's up to you if you can live with it. He's not someone I would respect. And I'm a CEO of 15 years.

Amymayapple · 01/04/2020 22:54

I actually think that

"Fucking idiots" is very abusive,

And not allowed in alot of workplaces.

msmith501 · 01/04/2020 22:57

OP - in more normal times he may not swear so much at work and indeed may be able to better compartmentalise the things that are currently causing him stress. I'd cut him some slack and maybe think about the things he is having to carry on his shoulders - how to reinvigorate / successfully sell stocks and shares (for all our sakes if we are hoping for a pension one day), the security of his employees jobs, his own job and being able to pay the bills / continue to have a lifestyle at the current level, working from home when perhaps he feels more restricted and less in control, the challenges of remote working and trying to support his team... it all adds up. I'm wondering if it might be worth leaving him during the day and having an hour at the end of the day without the children to relax together and share. These are somewhat strange times. I'm sure he'd appreciate being able to share how hard it is with you.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 01/04/2020 22:57

Investment banking is a toxic environment that can turn a lot of people into assholes... that is my experience anyway.

I remember telling DH the job of investment analyst was turning him into an asshole. Like that. He always liked my straight talking Grin

He quit just before he (would have) had a meltdown of sorts and a slide into alcoholism.

Anyway , things will be absolutely shit in investment banking for quite a bit, this is a big crash we’re falling into.

Can he get out and retrain? Can you work to take the pressure off him?

It’s a god forsaken job if ever there was one

I have seen quite a few nice friends from Uni become money obsessed wankers Sad

ImaginaryCat · 01/04/2020 22:59

I heard my DH's work persona before this lockdown, because he occasionally works from home. I once overheard him speaking to a subordinate and told him I was shocked; if I'd been on the other end of that call I'd be in tears and then I'd make a formal complaint of bullying. He was a bit taken aback, and then the next day he apologised to that person, who in turn was shocked by the apology. He said that was normal behaviour in their industry and he wasn't at all bothered by DH having spoken to him like that.

I still feel uncomfortable when I hear DH on work calls, but I realise it's not a work environment I'm used to or would ever choose to work in. It never leaks over into our home relationships.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 01/04/2020 23:04

is he called Fabio what, the duck? I'd have guessed Howard, or Daffy?

tara66 · 01/04/2020 23:08

It's the nature of the beast. I don't think he would get results required with saying ''Please would you be kind enough to do so and so...''. He is under terrible strain - everyone and his dog with half an ISA have lost a lot of money and are continuing to lose. Just be aware he might not have any job soon if he does not get the work needed doing now - so put up with his shouting etc. It's more important than good manners.

rainbowwelly · 01/04/2020 23:08

Not the same but my dh works in a dockyard. At work it's pure working class banter, Calling bosses "fawkin' c**ts" etc etc at home he does the lions share of the housework, encourages or kids about being progressive. It's a work persona and nothing more. It confuses the hell out of me when I get introduced to his workmates at social events by "Gary, Phil and Steve" when I only know them in context of their nicknames.

Your dh is probably incredibly stressed rn, and even in my own work I'm a version that is a lot harsher and direct than irl.

Scott72 · 01/04/2020 23:09

Has anyone here said "LTB" yet? Yes ask if he can tone it down a little so you and the kids hopefully don't have to hear it. But this is his "work persona" as others have said. Is between him and his workplace if its inappropriate or not. After 10 years do you think he's suddenly going to start yelling and swearing when not on the job? Its unfortunate that he doesn't really acknowledge you during the day, but this is apparently what is necessary for him to preserve a distinction between work and homelife.

alloutoffucks · 01/04/2020 23:11

The idea you can't manage people without being an abusive bully is rubbish. And no working in a high stress environment does not mean you have to be an arse.

Lynda07 · 01/04/2020 23:11

Paddington: I’ll ask him to swear slightly more quietly though.
......
That's good and he may well try hard to comply. Otherwise - could he set up an office in the garage :-). This is such a trying time for you all.

RIP duck (that was funny).

Aliceinwanderland · 01/04/2020 23:11

As long as he doesn't change his attitude towards you I would stay well clear at the moment. Now is not the time to ask him to make a huge personality change. Although personally I would ask him to acknowledge the kids. It's not fair on them really.

alloutoffucks · 01/04/2020 23:13

And I would not stay with someone like this.

mathanxiety · 01/04/2020 23:14

Work is work,home is home,hes right. Hes working for the family.

No, he's wrong.
He's at home, and if that's what he thinks work is, he is crap at it.

Santaclauswhosthat · 01/04/2020 23:16

I agree with most other people. And like a few on here I have also worked in an investment bank and this behaviour is pretty normal. It's a high stakes macho environment and if he didn't act this way he'd likely not be doing his job still or have been able to buy your home etc. Especially now there will be firings left right and centre and no one knows how the markets are going to be from one hour to the next other than that it's pretty much all gone to shit.

Leave him be. He really doesn't need an appraisal.

And as one pp said it's better this way round than him being a stressed out bastard at home and nice to everyone he works with.

chipsandgin · 01/04/2020 23:20

I can't imagine either being with someone who had another persona (be it work or not) or having the energy to be anything other than myself.

To be fair I'm pretty fucking sweary (and obviously capable of not being - in front of children or clients so I get that bit) but the different personality, or the way it comes across that you are terribly polite to each other is a bit baffling!? No advice sorry, hope you can have a chat in a non-confrontational way though and work it out.

Meanwhile, I'd just like to say that the sentence that ended with when a duck once flew into his face wins Mumsnet today and is probably the first thing that actually made me laugh out loud at the end of a predominately shitty and very long day, so thank you!