It turns out Dh is a massive bastard

[PaddingtonStation]

Dh normally works away Monday-Friday and comes home at weekends. As it’s the end of the world he’s working from home atm though.

We’ve been together a decade, 2 dc. Marriage a bit boring but nothing in any way abusive. If anything our problems are caused by him being too much of a pushover and never sticking up for himself.

When we first got together and I met a few of his work mates they all just kept saying how different he was when he was around me, that they’d never seen him relaxed or joking, that he was considered a bit of a dragon at work. I never really thought too much about it, he works in a pretty cut throat industry (investment banking) and is quite senior. I just passed it off as him having to develop a harder shell at work so he doesn’t get shit on.

He never talks about work much when he’s at home, just says that he prefers to keep work and real life separate, that he doesn’t want to spend his family time talking or thinking about work. I’ve always considered this to be a good thing as I’ve got so many friends who just can’t switch off from work.

Since lockdown he’s set up an office in the spare room. Most of his work is being done on the phone or Zoom and he’s locked in there from about 8-8. He comes out to go for a run at lunch time but won’t acknowledge dc or me, just puts headphones in and runs out the door. The rest of the time I’m pretty much trying to keep the kids at the bottom of the garden as all that’s coming out of his office is the sound of him shouting and swearing at people on the phone.

He’s normally lovely. Well, annoying and doesn’t take the bins out but certainly not sweary and aggressive. The only time I’ve ever heard him swear in the time we’ve been together was when a duck once flew into his face. On the odd occasion I swear he’s visibly winced so I try not to in front of him as I thought he really disapproved of it.

I’m genuinely in shock and don’t know how to feel about it. I had no idea at all that he was like this. I told him I was pretty shocked after I heard him on the first day he was here. He just said that it’s hugely stressful times as no one knows what to expect and he’s trying to ensure they’ve all got jobs to go back to. Which is understandable, I guess. But the way he sounds like he’s speaking to people is just so condescending and aggressive I just can’t seem to match it to the man that I’m married to.

not nice, bit what’s normal for this industry is quite different to other industries. I would park this conversation for after lockdown. It’s not the best time to raise the issue.

How was the duck though ?

Did he say Fuck a Duck?

Sorry, couldn't resist

Do you never talk at all about his job with him, the bigger ups and downs at least? Know some of his triumphs, some of his worst days or deals?

Right now is a very stressful time for most if not all industries. Really stressful, it's far and away above the norm out there. That does make it an out of the ordinary time.

It sounds bad but do you know that it isn't (rightly or wrongly) the "language" of the business culture he's in? Either way, do you not feel able to address it with him, even from a curious point of view rather than a critical point of view?

The only time I’ve ever heard him swear in the time we’ve been together was when a duck once flew into his face

Sorry, once I read this sentence I couldn't process anything else you said

I can’t post I am laughing at the duck.

Oh he's an investment banker ?

In all honesty I'd be jumping down throats and swinging my dick about (( flap waving maybe )) if that was my line of work too.

He is obviously putting on a role at work, and was told that is how gets respect.

I presume that he had a manager like this himself, who set a bad example.

Bring it up nicely with him maybe - that there are other ways of managing.

Ok. Let him do his job and turn up the radio.

My husband was similarly Jekyl and Hyde with work OP. Very mild mannered and humble with family and friends, despite making an awful lot of money as a very successful sales person.

A couple of times I wandered into his home office and he’d be chatting to colleagues with this very strange, sweary, cock of the walk, wide boy type persona. Perfectly lovely to customers though.

I put it down to a fitting in thing; he never let it spill out into family life.

I think that he is right, work is work. I don't think he should have to explain how he conducts himself at work to you. As you have said, he's been quite successful at work, so it obviously isn't harming him. I should think investment banking is full of screaming swearing egotists, and narcissistic twats, he probably gets respect for this crappy attitude. Of course he knows that the rest of the world doesn't behave in this way, and therefore draws a line between his work life and his home life.

Not sure I see the problem here OP. Many people have a work persona, especially if they are in a competitive industry, or male dominated or something else. My DH is in customer service and doesn't talk to me with his "phone voice".. It's just how people are at work.

At home as long as he is speaking to you with respect and keeping his voice to a level that the kids don't hear, then no problem IMO.

I do this, I get this. Two different worlds. It's why he can't talk to you at lunchtime, his brain from 8-8 is in work mode.

At work I have to bid for work/projects for my team against other internal teams. My few days of feeling relaxed working from home are over. Work is horribly competitive, backstabbing anyway and awful at the moment. My earnings keep home going and my partner at home doing a few hours a day on their not profitable hobby business which makes them happy.
My partner told me I was a shit two faced human being today as they overheard me planning my team pitch and how we'd beat our competition to a project that would secure our jobs. Never a thought that I do this because I have to, I can't follow my dreams because I'm making sure they can live theirs.

The duck also made me laugh , it made me think about my friend.

We say "the birds are against him", because any time we go out as a group, the birds always aim at him.

One time a bird pooed all over him.

Another time a bird flew over him and dropped a sandwich on his head.

Hilarious

Tbh better it is that way round I guess?

Whoa OP. BOTH aspects of him are the "real" him. The industry he works in is very much dog-eat-dog and is ruthless. It has to be.

Let him alone - but try to get him to go out for his daily run instead of letting off steam by swearing in front of kids. Explain to kids that daddy has a very difficult job and gets cross, but not with them.

Look ask him to keep the volume down so the kids don’t hear and leave it there, seriously don’t interfere in how he does his job, unless you’re in a comparable role and industry and are able to tell him how he should do it. If you’re not, then don’t be deciding to give him performance feedback or be getting all squeamish.

Past saying about the volume, let him do his job as he sees fit to do it.

Id be beyond appalled If my husband decided to have a word with me about how I did mine, he’d be told to jog on in no uncertain terms. And I’d never dream to get involved in his.

I’m going to go against the grain here.

I wouldn’t let this worry you.

He’s under huge huge amounts of pressure. Everyone will be behaving the same way. Performing stress is common and a psychosocially accepted way to behave in his industry.
NOT behaving this way- for real or as an act- might be considered him not “taking this seriously” by clients and senior managers.

If this behaviour IS for real- well, frankly, there is massive, terrifying turbulence in the market.
The kids hearing some swearing will be nothing compared to the trauma of daddy losing his job, and your lifestyle going with it, if it comes to that and he’s been seen to underperform.

Sorry if that’s a bit blunt- I know lots of investment bankers and they’re all absolutely at their limit rn.

It wouldn’t bother me. It’s par for the course in investment banking and really good that he’s able to detach from work when he’s home.
If you need to mention it, leave it until after lockdown when the pressure is less.

I used to work in investment banking for someone who sounds very much like your husband. Atrociously behaved at work, actually contributed to many people leaving the profession who crossed his path over time.

He lived in London during the week and went back to a family in Scotland at weekends. I often wondered what he was like with them.

I actually think other than the swearing (which you should tell him to be quiet enough with that the kids can't hear) it doesn't impact you...unless you are seeing something you already knew was there? Obviously, it hugely impacts those he works with though.

OP, I love your post.

Take comfort, here:
Very funny Twitter thread about discovering true identities of WFH spouses

Charming, funny, engaging, charismatic - and then complete and total arsehole bastard cunts when things don't go their way.

This. Apart from I'd add devious, lying and back-stabbing to the last part of the sentence.

I've worked in banking for over 20 years. Shouting, swearing and treating people appallingly is less common than it was. But only because most people have learnt to cover it up with a more acceptable "show persona" so they don't get reported to HR. There are still people around like your husband though. Especially times like now when the markets are struggling.

He's not acting. This is really him but it's the work version of him. You usually see the non-work version.

I know plenty of people in banking who are utterly lovely outside of work. But as they cross that office threshold, they switch off their humanity and it's down to business. Most don't like doing it but it's part of the job.

His industry is under more stress than the economic crisis of 2008/9.
Trillions have been lost in the markets in the past month alone! If he’s Senior he probably has a portfolio worth billions that is now millions in the red.

This is not work as usual for him. These are very stressful and uncertain times. You are not hearing his usual work self. You are hearing his post disaster damage mitigation red alert all hands on deck self. If he can’t pull everything out of the fire, then his job and that of others will probably disappear.

Is there another room you can set him up in where it’s a little more sound proof? I agree it’s unpleasant to hear shouting and swearing during the day echoing through the house. Otherwise, put on music or watch a Disney movie with the volume up when a rant starts.

Oh no! I do apologise - I commented thinking this was in AIBU and was lighthearted. Hope you get a happy resolution.

Ive met loads of investment bankers and most of them act like this at work. Its not pleasant to be around but its hugely stressful, they are making bets with millions of pounds of other peoples money and if they guess wrong there is no where to hide. I dont like to be around it, so I walk away, you dont have that choice at the moment, but you wont be able to change him if you want him to keep his job. I would be very grateful that he is able to switch off the cut throatedness when he is with you and the dc.

I would play music loudly to block out his swearing and ignore the rest.