It turns out Dh is a massive bastard

[PaddingtonStation]

Dh normally works away Monday-Friday and comes home at weekends. As it’s the end of the world he’s working from home atm though.

We’ve been together a decade, 2 dc. Marriage a bit boring but nothing in any way abusive. If anything our problems are caused by him being too much of a pushover and never sticking up for himself.

When we first got together and I met a few of his work mates they all just kept saying how different he was when he was around me, that they’d never seen him relaxed or joking, that he was considered a bit of a dragon at work. I never really thought too much about it, he works in a pretty cut throat industry (investment banking) and is quite senior. I just passed it off as him having to develop a harder shell at work so he doesn’t get shit on.

He never talks about work much when he’s at home, just says that he prefers to keep work and real life separate, that he doesn’t want to spend his family time talking or thinking about work. I’ve always considered this to be a good thing as I’ve got so many friends who just can’t switch off from work.

Since lockdown he’s set up an office in the spare room. Most of his work is being done on the phone or Zoom and he’s locked in there from about 8-8. He comes out to go for a run at lunch time but won’t acknowledge dc or me, just puts headphones in and runs out the door. The rest of the time I’m pretty much trying to keep the kids at the bottom of the garden as all that’s coming out of his office is the sound of him shouting and swearing at people on the phone.

He’s normally lovely. Well, annoying and doesn’t take the bins out but certainly not sweary and aggressive. The only time I’ve ever heard him swear in the time we’ve been together was when a duck once flew into his face. On the odd occasion I swear he’s visibly winced so I try not to in front of him as I thought he really disapproved of it.

I’m genuinely in shock and don’t know how to feel about it. I had no idea at all that he was like this. I told him I was pretty shocked after I heard him on the first day he was here. He just said that it’s hugely stressful times as no one knows what to expect and he’s trying to ensure they’ve all got jobs to go back to. Which is understandable, I guess. But the way he sounds like he’s speaking to people is just so condescending and aggressive I just can’t seem to match it to the man that I’m married to.

Him being condescending and aggressive is turning you on? You are well suited!
If he is loud again let him know it scares the children - any decent man would cut it out if that is the case.

I accept t's not a reverse then. It just struck me that "massive bastard" is quite a strong expression to use, especially in a title, and especially when you are using a swear word to describe him for swearing (at other people). I am no prude at all but it wouldn't occur to me to call my DH a "massive bastard" easily, especially on behalf of some work conversation overheard to persons unknown when they could be using just as colourful a language to him as part of their work culture.

Glad you've mentioned it to him and he seems to have toned it down, especially when the kids can hear.

The only time I’ve ever heard him swear in the time we’ve been together was when a duck once flew into his face

Glad I'm not the only one who found this hilarious

Leave him to get on with HIS work the way he chooses to. Ffs who do you think you are to dictate how he interacts with people at work? It’s nothing to do with you! He’s doubtless massively stressed and presumably earning a pretty good wage, no? 🙄

Remember those awful books that taught women how to be a good housewife. How she should suck anything up because her husband had had such a long stressful day...

Some of the replies here remind me of that book.

Did I time warp or do dc and wives feelings not matter anymore as long as the big man can act however he wants again?

pamela I’m not dictating how he interacts with people at work . But it definitely is something to do with me when I’m in charge of our kids and I have to take them to the bottom of the garden so they don’t hear him swearing for 12 hours.

I'm kind of with Rocketman and Bouledeneige.

I do find it telling that people are queueing up here to excuse this behaviour because it's a i) high-earning ii) man working with iii) lots of money. I think it says a lot about our (collective) values.

I would say doctors and nurses are under a teeny bit more stress than investment bankers atm, but I can't imagine MNers piling in to defend one of them who shouted and swore at their colleagues. Ditto scientists or supermarket managers.

OP, I think this needs a no-nonsense 'I appreciate you're under stress, but the children can hear you and I doubt either of us wish to have the conversation with school when they eventually go back and repeat some of your expressions. Please tone it down'.

*Rocketmam, sorry.

That's ok CatteStreet

CatteStreet. If you read the update, she asked him to stop and it seems he has. And this swearing and yelling is apparently something most people in his industry do. Even the women.

Well said cattestreet

I’m actually shocked at the amount of people here who think this is ok because he’s an investment banker and ‘investment bankers are bastards’ - surely that’s exactly the attitude that allows these kind of people to strut about crapping all over everyone else just because they make money. My husband is also an investment banker working from home and most of the time we don’t hear anything from the room he’s in because he’s not a shouty sweary arsehole! Incidentally he did once lose it, shout and swear at someone at work - was reported to hr and had to apologise so no I don’t think they’re all doing it either.

Scott - I'm glad he's toned down the language, but asking him not to swear 'so much' is not the same as asking him very clearly to keep his language clean and at a reasonable volume (if it ends up working for you, OP, great, obviously).

Half this site (in normal times, haven't seen it so much lately) is full of posts castigating mothers at the end of their tether for snapping and shouting at their children once. It is striking how differently this man's lack of self-control is viewed.

I wonder if the handmaidens excusing investment banker’s wankery would be the same kind of people who’d turn a blind eye to more sinister stuff, if it kept them in their gilded cages. You know, like mobster’s wives.

My ex is a Lt Colonel in the parachute regiment. I sometimes used to wince a bit if he got sweary with subordinates on the phone (it didn’t happen often). I reluctantly accepted that this was sometimes necessary in an elite military unit, but it still made me feel uncomfortable, especially for the person on the other end.

But for glorified gamblers with superiority complexes? Nah. It just perpetuates the nasty culture and ultimately keeps equally if not more capable women from entering the profession, since they’re put off by the abundance of gobshite swinging dicks.

I’m amused by all the posters saying he’s under terrible stress that most people will never experience.

Because it’s so easy being a carer with no support now, or a single mum stuck in a tiny flat with SN kids, or a ICU doctor / nurse, or a homeless person. Or a HCA assistant in a nursing home or a woman living with a violent partner. Or an emergency dentist working on people with Covid 19 wearing inadequate PPE. Or a child protection social worker.

No, the most stressed person with a pass to abuse and bully others is an investment banker .

Some people here are very sheltered.

Glad he is now "flipping" instead op.
But I agree with some of the PPs it's a cutthroat business and he's (by the sounds of it) good at what he does.

Softly softly would just get him trampled on and as long as he keeps the work/home life attitudes separate then I wouldn't be challenging him on it, I can imagine he's under extreme stress at the moment.
Also from what I can see he didn't call anyone at the other end of the call a fucking idiot. He said it about another person/ group which I think is fine - my DP works in a competitive sales environment and I've heard plenty of sweary rants from directors over the phone about xyz but never directed at him.
Calling someone names directly is a HR complaint in waiting. Having a rant is different IMO.

I would however aim to bring it up with him after the current situation has passed focusing on his health - I'd be worried about those amounts of stress having a negative impact long-term and would try to tackle that.

Lol, it's a Big Important job, there's so much stress, screaming and swearing at people is therefore totally fine! All you idiots saying treating people like shit is not actually OK just don't understand the Big Important world of Business!

Fuck the fuck off; if I screamed and swore at my colleagues like that I'd be sacked. As would the nurses, doctors, therapists etc I work with. We know stress. We don't get to make wanker excuses and pretend our stress means behaving like a nasty shit is perfectly acceptable.

Did you read OP’s posts? She never claimed he was yelling at his staff/coworkers.

I find it weird when people think that you can tell what someone’s ‘true’ colours are. Everyone has multiple facets to them, different areas of their personality that comes out depending on different situations. It honestly sounds to me like your husband has things sorted! He lets out his more aggressive high-impact side at work where it makes him effective at what he does in his career. At home he lets out his softer and more nurturing relaxed side - which is better for you and the kids to be around.

Honestly don’t see what the issue is.

@SophieSong I think the point is if you are an aggressive arsehole in some circumstances, then part of you is an aggressive arsehole. You don't get to pretend it is not the real you because you are not always an aggressive arsehole.

The thing is, while many people would be sacked from their jobs for speaking that way - the fact remains that it isn't the case in banking.

He has the job he has and the lifestyle he can fund because he's willing to do what's necessary to keep things as profitable as possible for whatever company he works for.

It sounds awful from outside of course and it's up to OP whether she wants to be married to him knowing that in business he is cutthroat and doesn't care who he makes feel shit but I don't think he should be damned to hell for behaving that way - it's awful and shit to be on the receiving end of but unfortunately it's what works in his industry.

As I say, it's up to OP. She can be with him any everything that includes - massive financial security etc, or she can break up with him because she doesn't want to compromise her morals and feels it's a step too far for her to stay with him.

'I think the point is if you are an aggressive arsehole in some circumstances, then part of you is an aggressive arsehole. You don't get to pretend it is not the real you because you are not always an aggressive arsehole.'

Yes, this.

I’m going to be in the minority here but you’re over thinking it, as long as he’s good to you and your kids- does it even matter?

How long did he only live with you for the weekend? Sounds like it may have been a very part time relationship up until now.