It turns out Dh is a massive bastard

[PaddingtonStation]

Dh normally works away Monday-Friday and comes home at weekends. As it’s the end of the world he’s working from home atm though.

We’ve been together a decade, 2 dc. Marriage a bit boring but nothing in any way abusive. If anything our problems are caused by him being too much of a pushover and never sticking up for himself.

When we first got together and I met a few of his work mates they all just kept saying how different he was when he was around me, that they’d never seen him relaxed or joking, that he was considered a bit of a dragon at work. I never really thought too much about it, he works in a pretty cut throat industry (investment banking) and is quite senior. I just passed it off as him having to develop a harder shell at work so he doesn’t get shit on.

He never talks about work much when he’s at home, just says that he prefers to keep work and real life separate, that he doesn’t want to spend his family time talking or thinking about work. I’ve always considered this to be a good thing as I’ve got so many friends who just can’t switch off from work.

Since lockdown he’s set up an office in the spare room. Most of his work is being done on the phone or Zoom and he’s locked in there from about 8-8. He comes out to go for a run at lunch time but won’t acknowledge dc or me, just puts headphones in and runs out the door. The rest of the time I’m pretty much trying to keep the kids at the bottom of the garden as all that’s coming out of his office is the sound of him shouting and swearing at people on the phone.

He’s normally lovely. Well, annoying and doesn’t take the bins out but certainly not sweary and aggressive. The only time I’ve ever heard him swear in the time we’ve been together was when a duck once flew into his face. On the odd occasion I swear he’s visibly winced so I try not to in front of him as I thought he really disapproved of it.

I’m genuinely in shock and don’t know how to feel about it. I had no idea at all that he was like this. I told him I was pretty shocked after I heard him on the first day he was here. He just said that it’s hugely stressful times as no one knows what to expect and he’s trying to ensure they’ve all got jobs to go back to. Which is understandable, I guess. But the way he sounds like he’s speaking to people is just so condescending and aggressive I just can’t seem to match it to the man that I’m married to.

You married an investment banker. What did you think he would be like?

OP don't worry about it - a lot us are struggling with the reality of our spouse's work persona! My DH can't even decide what he wants for dinner,shrugs his shoulders, answers a question with a question and says 'I don't know' a lot - yet there he is at the opposite side of the dining table, being all decisive and assertive with his colleagues, making me wonder who is this man and what has he done with my husband!

He also likes to listen to me on skype doing my job - this is new for most of us, working from home and doing our jobs in front of our partners and a lot of us have been surprised

I'm not a fan of different personas. I'm me. Genuinely. So I'd find someone behaving so horribly (not the swearing, the meanness) a deal breaker.
Can you talk to a friend about it?

Blimey you'd have all hated me at work. Sometimes, especially in a crisis, if you are senior you have to get shit done.

It's possible to be a nice person and different at work when needs must.

And I've worked with a lots of investment banker type people and nice and fluffy does not get shit done.

I bet he hates you having to see this side of him and it's probably an extreme version due to the current free fall of the markets.

It's a GOOD thing that he's going out for a run and not talking to you when he's in work mode. It's quite hard to switch back and forth from high octane work to family mode. I suspect he normally decompresses on his journey back at the end of the week.

I know in the few occasions when people who know me really well in real life have been shocked when they see me in work mode.

At work I was the boss with ultimate responsibility for people's livelihoods. In real life I'm a bit of a push over. The two are not mutually exclusive.

He's still the same person he was when you met him. It doesn't make him a bad person - fairly normal, most people have a bit of a work persona.

At work my most used (slightly tongue cheek, but I meant it) phrase was just fucking do it.

In real life I'm more likely to say whatever you want to do - and mean that too.

Work me is entirely different to Home me. I don’t think it’s unusual and I don’t think it matters.

I've worked with bankers who are like this. I'm a lawyer, and I've had a lot of colleagues who are like this, some were very abusive. I don't know what they are like at home, though. I always assumed they were the same at home.

It's better he is an arse at work and nice at home than vice versa.

In your shoes, I would give him space during his workday, ensure the children don't interrupt his work, and leave it be.

It's a good thing that he's so focussed and you're not tripping over each other. Some people find working at home so difficult but it seems your husband has it all under control.

It would not be unreasonable for you to tell him it isn't acceptable for your children to hear their dad shouting and swearing, remind him he is not in the office at the moment and the only way for it to work is for you to show consideration for each other. He probably doesn't even realise he's doing it but he must be told - and reminded when necessary.

You're all in this together and have to compromise, that includes him making an effort. It won't kill him.

Good luck.

He's not a bastard because he swears I think you're over reacting

A duck flew into his face

There is no such thing as a "real him". Anyone who thinks otherwise is in need of education in psychology.

Your partner is under massive stress. He channels different parts of himself at work vs at home. Unluckily he is currently forced to fold his work persona into his home persona - what a nightmare for him, no wonder he tries to keep his game face on over the course of a day.

For fuck sake dont make this any harder than it has to be for him. Ask him not to shout/swear, and then try to work around him. Dont pillory the man for not being the person at work that you prefer him to be, these are extraordinary circumstances

Is he called Andy?

Tell him that if he can’t keep a lid on the shouting and swearing in earshot of his own small children, he can take himself down the bottom of the garden with a camping chair and work there.

It’s par for the course in his line of work but he needs to tone it down within the home. I think it’s a completely issue to your marriage.

Dh is different at work too. I call him a poor mans malcom tucker.

Luckily I like Malcolm tucker.

Different issue

Just compartmentalise. Work is work,home is home,hes right. Hes working for the family.

People are different at work. Different roles require different personas. I work in education so am as nice as pie, kind and patient at work. Come home and I'm a total potty mouth with a fiery temper. I can't swear and loose my temper at work because then I'd loose my job, just like your dh cant be kind and chilled out at his work, because then no-one would respect him, or fear him enough, to do a good enough job. I think you are blowing this totally out of proportion l. Obviously speak to him, tell him you are shocked and surprised. But don't judge him negatively either as he never expected his two words to meet and you to see this character.

Just think of it as mum you and wife you. The person you are to your kids is different to the person you are as wife, which is again a different person to your parents, which is also a different person to your friends. We are different people in different environments.

I’m pretty much trying to keep the kids at the bottom of the garden

That is so sad.

Actually crying laughing about the duck 😂
Ive been in bed for 9 days with Covid19 symptoms and it's the first time I've laughed since.
Ive got tears!
Thanks OP 😁

PrincessHoneysuckle Wed 01-Apr-20 22:05:02
He's not a bastard because he swears confused I think you're over reacting
........

He's probably not a bastard but surely you don't shout and swear in front of children? There would soon be trouble if they copied him.

People are very complicated. It's much too simplistic to say they are putting on a persona to do a particular job or role. People arent actually like.Mr Ben.

They're weird. Contradictory. Complicated. Just like you and I.