It turns out Dh is a massive bastard

[PaddingtonStation]

Dh normally works away Monday-Friday and comes home at weekends. As it’s the end of the world he’s working from home atm though.

We’ve been together a decade, 2 dc. Marriage a bit boring but nothing in any way abusive. If anything our problems are caused by him being too much of a pushover and never sticking up for himself.

When we first got together and I met a few of his work mates they all just kept saying how different he was when he was around me, that they’d never seen him relaxed or joking, that he was considered a bit of a dragon at work. I never really thought too much about it, he works in a pretty cut throat industry (investment banking) and is quite senior. I just passed it off as him having to develop a harder shell at work so he doesn’t get shit on.

He never talks about work much when he’s at home, just says that he prefers to keep work and real life separate, that he doesn’t want to spend his family time talking or thinking about work. I’ve always considered this to be a good thing as I’ve got so many friends who just can’t switch off from work.

Since lockdown he’s set up an office in the spare room. Most of his work is being done on the phone or Zoom and he’s locked in there from about 8-8. He comes out to go for a run at lunch time but won’t acknowledge dc or me, just puts headphones in and runs out the door. The rest of the time I’m pretty much trying to keep the kids at the bottom of the garden as all that’s coming out of his office is the sound of him shouting and swearing at people on the phone.

He’s normally lovely. Well, annoying and doesn’t take the bins out but certainly not sweary and aggressive. The only time I’ve ever heard him swear in the time we’ve been together was when a duck once flew into his face. On the odd occasion I swear he’s visibly winced so I try not to in front of him as I thought he really disapproved of it.

I’m genuinely in shock and don’t know how to feel about it. I had no idea at all that he was like this. I told him I was pretty shocked after I heard him on the first day he was here. He just said that it’s hugely stressful times as no one knows what to expect and he’s trying to ensure they’ve all got jobs to go back to. Which is understandable, I guess. But the way he sounds like he’s speaking to people is just so condescending and aggressive I just can’t seem to match it to the man that I’m married to.

Whatever the reason for it, play acting or not, I'd be really shocked if my partner had this whole other personality that I'd never seen before. I actually don't think I could stay with him because it's just so weird that someone could be THAT different. My partner doesn't make jokes about poo in the office, but his entire personality doesn't change.

Having worked in the city before motherhood (solicitor at big firm) I would always rather work with someone that swears at me when I mess up, or things are stressful, than someone who stabs me in the back. I guess that sounds like Stockholm Syndrome, but that's the culture of the industry.

He would deserve to lose his job to be fair OP? What a pathetic and unprofessional way to manage other people, I'm surprised nobody has made a formal complaint. Hopefullu they will record him and do so Raising voices and swearing, christ . I guess he lacks the legitimate people skills, motivation skills and management skills to get the job done any other way, which just makes it even more embarrassing really. Respect would be out the window I'm afraid after hearing him speak to colleagues like that, even worse in these stressful times to abuse and bully people. He's well out of line OP and I hope you know that.

I would not be backwards in coming forward to explain my disgust and bloody well would record him. Imagine how they must feel having to be subjected to it?

I don't think the fact he has two sides is a good thing either so much as unhealthy. You never really know a person do you, clearly.

I can see why you're shocked but tbh I think you've been a bit naive. I'd imagine very few 'joking and relaxed' people are in senior positions in investment banks. It's the type of environment that rewards strength and bullishness.
I don't think you should worry about it. He adopts the attitude at work that gets results for him and his team. Everyone adapts to their own working environment and its pointless trying to apply the values and habits from elsewhere.

To all the posters above saying "unfortunately he's in banking so it's to be expected" blah blah bloody blah, if he is ignoring his family at lunchtime - not even saying hello - he's an arsehole. He is telling you, to your face in front of your kids, a quick lunchtime run is more important than saying hello, how's your day, see you in a minute, I'm just off for a run". Wanker. Get rid, OP, he sounds like a turd. 👋

OP is he telling people they’re fucking idiots directly as in “you’re a fucking idiot” or referring to them as that “they’re fucking idiots”?

He would deserve to lose his job to be fair OP?

Yes, great idea for OP to shop him to HR. I hope she has got a high paying job herself because it is not going to be easy for him to find another job after she gets the golden goose (or duck?) is sacked from his Big Job during the covid crisis.

@turnthebiglightoff you are being disingenuous here. Nobody else thinks his actions are worth divorcing him over. Him ignoring his family here is consistent with him being in work mode. It may be disconcerting to them, but seems okay to me. They need to sit down though and discuss the rules for how this works.

The choice is not be joking and relaxed versus be aggressive and a massive arsehole.

Not quite the same, but my DH is ex military. He's still in touch with a bunch of his old army mates and from what I can gather, he had a rep at the time as being a total tough bastard as an NCO. He's always been super chill and gentle at home. From what he's said, when we've talked about it, the army just had a culture where one kind of behaviour was expected and encouraged and that kind of side of him was magnified. Suspect the City is a bit the same - the bastard side of your husband is encouraged to be on show.

He's senior. He's likely under enormous amounts of pressure that most people will never experience. And if things go really wrong it will also affect your home life which will be an additional pressure.

I can be a bitch at work. I'm mainly lovely but I also have very high expectations and sometimes external pressures can really build up and make things very difficult. The current economic circumstances are the worst thing i have lived through. Literally £millions are being lost daily. It is hard to know how we will ever recover from this.

If he's senior the people he is speaking to are also likely quite senior and very well paid too. It's par for the job I suspect. I really wouldn't overthink it and would be cautious about adding to his stress.

Be glad he's not like it at home.

I couldn’t get bothered about any of this apart from the swearing if you can’t get your kids away from it.

DH is a Lawyer and although he certainly never shouts or swears at anyone (tag teaming and playing good cop seems to be more his thing as I’ve discovered this week 😂) he is like an entirely different person.

The lack of acknowledgement at lunch thing really strikes a chord with me. I avoid having meet ups with him for lunch or needing him to come out of work for anything as he’s just so in work mode that he’s annoying to be around.
He ignores me during these times, he’ll ask me a question and then glaze over and his lips move as he mentally works on the project he needs to pick up when he gets back to work.

That’s just the mental focus that his job requires for him to do it so well, I just accept that it’s a fact and avoid getting bothered by it.

Your husband is probably avoiding engaging with you or the kids specifically because he doesn’t want to ever accidentally be in work mode around you x

You’ve been together a decade and in all that time he’s done nothing which would worry you at home, even swearing only once.

I would say that’s a pretty good record by all accounts.

To be frank, how he behaves at work is essentially his concern and nothing to do with you. It’s only become an issue now because of WFH and you overhearing him. Whatever he’s been doing there for his career must have worked if he’s been successful enough to get to a senior position - add in the culture of that industry, the massive stress they’re under and so on - and I really don’t think it’s your place or anyone else to suddenly start critiquing how he conducts himself.

By all accounts, ask him to reduce the volume so the kids don’t overhear, but anything else is between him and his workplace.

If you’re struggling to accept the seemingly diametrically opposed personality traits on display, that’s understandable - however it’s not the first career where someone will behave very differently in a professional environment. A boxer or mma fighter can be a complete animal in the ring then go home and flick off that personality like a switch. The most important thing is that he’s able to do that, and has never given you any cause for concern in your relationship.

Explain to kids that daddy has a very difficult job and gets cross, but not with them.

This is not going to help the children.

People instinctively feel fear when they hear loud, angry shouting, especially when a deep male voice is doing the shouting, swearing, and demanding. This is why the H here is doing it after all - to make people afraid of him and establish his dominance. The fear and anxiety the children feel is not going to go away because of an explanation from mum.

An explanation along the lines you suggest would also legitimise unhealthy ways of dealing with stress and difficult situations. How do you explain to a child after that explanation that he can't roar at his brother that he is a fucking idiot when they find themselves in conflict? Do you then have to explain that daddy can do it because the importance of his job justifies it whereas they are just children? What do you teach children about power in that case, and how relationships work?

And their father blanks them when he leaves the spare room to go out for a run. Children are very sensitive to that kind of treatment.

Nothing that he is doing is justifiable.

I’ve worked in investment banking. Your DH is normal. Sorry. In fact if he’s working 8-8 and not getting hammered on the booze when he knocks off, you’re winning. I worked in half a dozen of the top banks. Every senior one I met was like this. Ruthless and had got to their positions by ripping competitors to shreds. I always wondered how they had such lovely wives because they were such wankers but now I know! I think you have to ignore his work persona. You wouldn’t judge the actor who played dirty den if you were married to him would you? I think the main issue is you needing to keep the kids at the bottom of the garden! Builders are still working aren’t they and you must have money. Get somebody in to erect a summer house/garden building as quickly and simply as possible. Then you can set it up as a home office for him or a comfy home school (with tv and DVD player and duvets etc) isn’t there anywhere else he can work apart from at home?

He's going to be under a lot of stress. I think everyone has a slightly different work persona, maybe not swearing but still different to how they are at home. If the kids hear a swear word or two, its not really the end of the world in my opinion. Maybe keep them away from wherever he's working if you can

He needs to spend the weekend sound-proofing his home office.

Play the radio or some music outside the room so DCs don't hear the shouting and bad language.

It is odd times, he's possibly not this bad when everyone including himself could be about to lose their jobs.

Is he called Fabio

I think that was a goose.

You can't really have the radio/music playing loud enough to drown him out when he's on work calls!

I think you have to accept he's wearing his work face and doing his best. I work in a job that means I have to be very logical and cool headed and stand offish but at home im the biggest softy :) cry at adverts, make a fuss over my ds getting a little papercut etc etc. I think ds would be stunned if he saw me in work mode

Always makes me laugh how all the mumsnetters say get rid, no wonder people can’t make relationships last!
He is under a tremendous amount of stress, he is in work mode, he is a good husband and you have had 10 happy years. Don’t listen to the crap advice and ranting you’re getting.
It will pass and life will become normal again

Hang on - is this a reverse?! You describe your DH as a "massive bastard" in your thread title... for swearing?

I don't think I've ever used a swearword in a title as I know it would offend some, also "massive bastard" is quite some expression especially for what you are describing.

No, not a reverse . Do you mean I’m actually my husband and my husband is actually me? How does that work? I’m not calling him a bastard for swearing as such, I’m calling him a bastard for acting like a bastard to the people who work for him.

I’m definitely not planning on splitting with Dh! Our relationship is absolutely fine. I don’t know what I wanted from this thread really, I was just a bit shocked at just how different he is in work mode and thought I’d write it down.

To clarify - he wasn’t calling the people he was talking to fucking idiots, it sounded more like he was ranting about some fucking idiots to the people he was on the phone to. Not that it really makes it much better.

I did ask him to not swear while he was in his office so much as it makes it difficult for me with the kids. He wasn’t apologetic, wasn’t really expecting him to be but so far I haven’t heard him swear this morning. There’s been lots of ‘flipping’ though.

I think the worst thing about this is that I actually quite fancy him being a bit of a bastard. He’s always so very lovely and a total pushover to me that it’s quite refer to know he has got a backbone after all.