It turns out Dh is a massive bastard

[PaddingtonStation]

Dh normally works away Monday-Friday and comes home at weekends. As it’s the end of the world he’s working from home atm though.

We’ve been together a decade, 2 dc. Marriage a bit boring but nothing in any way abusive. If anything our problems are caused by him being too much of a pushover and never sticking up for himself.

When we first got together and I met a few of his work mates they all just kept saying how different he was when he was around me, that they’d never seen him relaxed or joking, that he was considered a bit of a dragon at work. I never really thought too much about it, he works in a pretty cut throat industry (investment banking) and is quite senior. I just passed it off as him having to develop a harder shell at work so he doesn’t get shit on.

He never talks about work much when he’s at home, just says that he prefers to keep work and real life separate, that he doesn’t want to spend his family time talking or thinking about work. I’ve always considered this to be a good thing as I’ve got so many friends who just can’t switch off from work.

Since lockdown he’s set up an office in the spare room. Most of his work is being done on the phone or Zoom and he’s locked in there from about 8-8. He comes out to go for a run at lunch time but won’t acknowledge dc or me, just puts headphones in and runs out the door. The rest of the time I’m pretty much trying to keep the kids at the bottom of the garden as all that’s coming out of his office is the sound of him shouting and swearing at people on the phone.

He’s normally lovely. Well, annoying and doesn’t take the bins out but certainly not sweary and aggressive. The only time I’ve ever heard him swear in the time we’ve been together was when a duck once flew into his face. On the odd occasion I swear he’s visibly winced so I try not to in front of him as I thought he really disapproved of it.

I’m genuinely in shock and don’t know how to feel about it. I had no idea at all that he was like this. I told him I was pretty shocked after I heard him on the first day he was here. He just said that it’s hugely stressful times as no one knows what to expect and he’s trying to ensure they’ve all got jobs to go back to. Which is understandable, I guess. But the way he sounds like he’s speaking to people is just so condescending and aggressive I just can’t seem to match it to the man that I’m married to.

So CatteStreet, you'd recommend she leave him for her own safety?

I work in a supermarket, so it's hardly investment banking.

We have to put on 'work personalities' whilst we're behind the counter. But you would not BELIEVE the language in the back room when we've spent the day dealing with fuckwit idiot customers - whom we would never DREAM of swearing at or even telling to their faces what utter fuckwittery they were performing.

Sometimes multiple personalitities is the only way to get through the day. And I'm sure the people your DH is swearing at are brushing it off and ignoring it. Sometimes swearing is just punctuation.

Do you normally spend time with your DH in the day?
If not, I’m afraid you have to go with the flow here. He’s at work.
His run is to relieve stress and he’s not available at lunch as he’s in work mode until he’s not.

Consider him unavailable until the regular time he comes home. He sounds like he’s a monotasker, and he’s at work when he’s in that room, and his day is laid out for him.

I agree with craftycorvid.
Some boundaries may need to be set esp regarding the volume, or you need to bring the kids for more walks. It sounds stressful for you all.

Conversations about his feelings about his work are for a later date.

Existential questions about the value of investment banking where that kind of toxic behaviour is not only common but expected, are for an even later date.

It’s hard to realise that you could walk past someone and they’re miles away at work, but that’s what it sounds like to me. It’s not personal, it’s business, his business.

I work these long hours myself and have no head space for anything but work until it’s finished.
I don’t shout abuse at my colleagues, but then I’m not in a toxic industry.

This won’t last forever. You do sound stressed. 💐

If there doesn’t seem to be a solution, you might consider playing swear word bingo with the kids?! Measure the decibel volume? Or just go on more walks for the present?

It's the banking world. Yes, other jobs are (equally) stressful but it is to be expected.

He’s worked away during the week for the last couple of years. He used to come back every night but he was doing 12 hour days with a 90 minute commute each way and it was killing him. I don’t really consider it to be a part time relationship though. Certainly no more part time than any other relationship where one person works long hours.

I would like to add my thanks with the others who laughed out loud at the duck story. Funniest thing I have read all week. Thank you @PaddingtonStation

I work in that world. Of course it is tough - you aren't remunerated for being a friendly chap. I assume he does extremely well out of it from a monetary point of view so it's the price you pay.

Thanks for your post OP. I have often wondered how work cunt's partners perceived their behaviour.

I had assumed they knew and were ok with it, but it sounds like you have both been compartmentalising to an extreme.

I wouldn't want to be friends with somebody like that, let alone married to them.

Zaphod - that's funny, the opposite of OPs DH.

I have a largely filth and smut-based sense of humour. As I work with young people I have to almost completely suppress that side of myself, for both colleagues and students.

Same here needtoknow101.
The relief when I can let loose is immense!
Like holding in a fart all day!!!

I found that's generally true alloutoffucks I used to work in that kind of environment myself and bullish bosses will generally work with people with similar attitudes, anyone who are not like them will sooner or later leave or move teams internally. And no, it is not a requirement to bully your subordinates in that kind of environment (investment bankers are not policemen dealing with dangerous criminals), but as like anything else doing the right thing is always much harder, so most people adopt that kind of attitude because that is easier.

I think you are spot on CatteStreet , it says a lot about our collective values, which reminds me; a few years ago there was a thread in MN about what profession you find attractive in partners and majority of responses says investment bankers or high earner corporate lawyers. Only handful Mners who mentioned professions like inspiring teachers or a scientist who finds cure for cancer. I'd imagine that men would not state female investment banker as profession they would find attractive in potential partners.

Hmm. I don't like it but I think it's the culture. My brother is an investment banker and it is pretty cut throat. You're reaping the benefits I guess. I don't think it would concern me, it's a work persona that's probably necessary.

My husband's work persona is very different to at home, he is extremely aggressive on the phone, especially when under pressure. I hear him say things in a tone he has never ever used at home. Very rude, actually. It's never bothered me though, I dont see him as a "bastard" because of that, it's just the nature of his work...not his nature in general. At home he barely speaks but when he does, it is calm and collected, not the voice I hear coming from our office. Different worlds.

There are often posts about people being bullied by a boss like this at work. Never have I seen anyone say “oh, they are only acting, putting on a show and he’s really good at it

because @MintyMabel there is no benefit of being bullied, but the perpetrator is usually in the position of power so I think the answer depends on who are the victims and who benefits.

Q: I am being bullied at work and getting paid peanuts
A: leave immediately, your boss is a terrible person.

Q: I am being bullied at work but I am getting paid loads and it is the only way to afford a big house
A: your boss is a terrible person. A big house is not that important. Wait, how old are your children?

Q: DH is bullied at work but he is a high earner and we are very comfortable as a family
A: Tell him to suck it up, he should be grateful that he has a job given the current situation.

Q: DH bullied people at work but he is a high earner and we are very comfortable as a family
A: I am sure he just put up a show at work, it doesn't affect you in anyway, there is nothing to worry.

smurfette, nobody here can be sure if he actually bullied anyone though. You are just making that up.

scott72 I wouldn’t consider anything that I’ve heard Dh say over the last week to be bullying - lots of comments on the phone talking about other people saying that X is a fucking idiot/ needs to get their head out of their arse/ should be transferred to a different department as they can’t do Y etc. The rudest thing I heard him say to someone was along the lines of ‘have you done X report? Don’t call me again until you have’ then when they called back again a few minutes later he said ‘if you aren’t calling me with X report hang up the phone now or you won’t be working in this department again. Right, off you fuck then.’ Which really, really shocked me as I just can’t match the person who talks like that to people who are recent graduates and probably nervous/ clueless, with the man I live with.

As I said, I have never ever seen him get stressed about anything. He’s normally so chilled out it’s ridiculous- we’ve missed flights before, had a child stop breathing, had a man mug him at knifepoint and he’s stayed totally calm, never sworn (apart from the duck incident) and I’m just amazed that I don’t know this side to him.

I’ve always told people that he’s not a typical banker - he’s not into looks or fashion at all, his work bag is a Sainsbury’s Bag for Life, he’s so different in terms of his background and his views from the workmates of his that I’ve met.

I’ll get used to it I guess. I’m definitely going to get him to complain next time there’s something wrong with his meal at a restaurant though rather than leave me to sort it out because he doesn’t like to make a fuss.

Is your issue that you think of him differently because he treats other people in a way you didn't expect?

Or because you're worried he will treat you that way?

I’m sure the people your DH is swearing at are brushing it off and ignoring it.

Yeah, that’ll be it. They’ll spend the day being sworn at by their boss and just go home and completely forget about it.

You understand that people swearing in the backroom to let of steam is entirely different than bosses shouting and swearing at their employees?

@smurfette1818

Exactly. Gotta keep that big house.

backseatcookers I’m definitely thinking about him differently because of the way he sounds like he acts at work. I’m assuming he’s not normally this bad as it’s a particularly stressful time. Even if he’s half as bad as he is normally it’s still way beyond how I would have thought he acted. I’m not concerned that he’d ever treat me or dc’s badly at all. He’s never once shown any hint of losing his temper or raising his voice and definitely never swearing. He seems to just completely compartmentalise which I struggle to understand as I’m unable to do that at all.

I have mostly worked with, and for, men. I worked with one lawyer who was very much like this, although not with me (the only female in the office). He would swear at male underlings and colleagues all the time. It just rolled off them, and at the end of the day, they were fine with him, because they knew he had their backs.

I’m glad I don’t work in that kind of environment and with that kind of person. Sounds awful.

With your last update about the rudest thing you've heard him say I will honestly say I actually expected worse.

He's responsible for large sums of other peoples money. At the current time. My brain would've fried by now.

Also I would be really surprised if someone wants to work in that industry and isn't expecting to be on it all the time with seniors breathing down your back about getting stuff done 24/7.
No one's in that business for the lovely working environment it's for the pay.

Its my personal opinion though and I hope you manage to come to your own conclusion.

No, what is truly awful are the colleagues who are nice to your face, but undermine you behind your back. I worked at one law firm like that, for 10 years. They even used to circulate everyone's monthly billings to all lawyers, calling it "the racing sheet".

It was only when I moved to a firm that didn't tolerate backstabbing, that I realized how unhealthy that was. It really pitted associates against one another.

It is macho bullshit that high pressure stressful environments needs aggressiveness, shouting and swearing, They do not.

I read your post waiting for you to say he's shouted at you or been abusive to you. In fact it sounds like he's been very boundaried. He is clearly able to separate work from his married life and that's good. Him running out the door for his exercise is because he's in work mode. He hasn't turned his stresses on you, even though it must be a very stressful time in the banking industry right now with so little certainty. How he is at work really doesn't affect you, so unless you've got a moral issue with people shouting at work I'd stop worrying about it.