It turns out Dh is a massive bastard

[PaddingtonStation]

Dh normally works away Monday-Friday and comes home at weekends. As it’s the end of the world he’s working from home atm though.

We’ve been together a decade, 2 dc. Marriage a bit boring but nothing in any way abusive. If anything our problems are caused by him being too much of a pushover and never sticking up for himself.

When we first got together and I met a few of his work mates they all just kept saying how different he was when he was around me, that they’d never seen him relaxed or joking, that he was considered a bit of a dragon at work. I never really thought too much about it, he works in a pretty cut throat industry (investment banking) and is quite senior. I just passed it off as him having to develop a harder shell at work so he doesn’t get shit on.

He never talks about work much when he’s at home, just says that he prefers to keep work and real life separate, that he doesn’t want to spend his family time talking or thinking about work. I’ve always considered this to be a good thing as I’ve got so many friends who just can’t switch off from work.

Since lockdown he’s set up an office in the spare room. Most of his work is being done on the phone or Zoom and he’s locked in there from about 8-8. He comes out to go for a run at lunch time but won’t acknowledge dc or me, just puts headphones in and runs out the door. The rest of the time I’m pretty much trying to keep the kids at the bottom of the garden as all that’s coming out of his office is the sound of him shouting and swearing at people on the phone.

He’s normally lovely. Well, annoying and doesn’t take the bins out but certainly not sweary and aggressive. The only time I’ve ever heard him swear in the time we’ve been together was when a duck once flew into his face. On the odd occasion I swear he’s visibly winced so I try not to in front of him as I thought he really disapproved of it.

I’m genuinely in shock and don’t know how to feel about it. I had no idea at all that he was like this. I told him I was pretty shocked after I heard him on the first day he was here. He just said that it’s hugely stressful times as no one knows what to expect and he’s trying to ensure they’ve all got jobs to go back to. Which is understandable, I guess. But the way he sounds like he’s speaking to people is just so condescending and aggressive I just can’t seem to match it to the man that I’m married to.

I knew someone like this, only it wasnt when they worked they turned into a swearing dragon it was when they got behind a wheel of a car. Normally lovely gentle and polite but an abusive road rage filled monster when driving, it was a bit of a shock how different she was.

He either putting on an act at work and pretending to be big and mean when he’s actually really chilled

@PaddingtonStation
No, you can't keep that level of loudness and foul mouthedness and condescension up all day every day unless you are expressing something that is coming from inside. It would be like trying to do a very convincing Hamlet continuously, all day, if it was an act. It's exhausting to behave in a way that is not authentic daily for years.

The compartmentalisation is extreme and needs to be addressed by a therapist.

I suspect he runs in order to relieve stress as much as to stay fit. He may well have decided the extreme compartmentalisation will be a similar bargain - he dials it completely down at home, runs, and lets rip at work so it will all even out in the end and he won't destroy his heart?

It doesn't work like that.

Oh come on, we all adopt different personas all the time. I'm certainly different when out for a drink with my mates than I am at work, different at home, different for different hobby groups etc. I talk to my mum differently to how I talk to my best friend and so on.

When I was younger in particular this was very pronounced - eg I wouldn't ever have rocked up to work gurning and wearing a bikini and a pair of filas but I sure as shit did exactly that and much more at the weekend.

There’s worse things that can happen
I thought you were going to say he had another family Mon-Friday

Of course he is, its all about money for him in jis work, it is cut throat and hard faced and takes no prisoners. IT IS ABOUT THE MONEY. He isn't nursing the sick, he is making money for himself and others. That takes aggression and being a bit of a shit.

I've no doubt financially you benefit from him being a hard nosed chaser of the money so suggest you wind in your princess neck and be grateful he has a job, frankly

I am quite stunned that the majority people here are Ok with this and explaining this behavior as persona, pressure at work, challenging circumstance, that he put a show at work.

When you just started dating someone, one of the best indicator to one's character is how he treats his subordinate, people who does not have anything he wants. How did he deal with stress and pressure, does he explode? Is it not also possible that he put a show at home? or both? so no one actually know the real him. People can put a show as nice/helpful/sweet men/women throughout an entire marriage and only when the children have flown their nest/they want a divorce/found someone new/spouse got ill, they started to show their true color.

Also agreed with a poster above that say, it is no longer acceptable to shout and scream at people at work. I am not saying people have to be nice but great leaders are expected (at least appear) to be fair and approachable these days.

Can you hear ether people on the other end of the calls? I wonder if he is giving as good as he gets? Not nice to see another side to your DH, but I think I'm the circumstances there best for the immediate weeks ahead is just to ask him to swear more quietly so the kids don't hear... them proper discussion when things are less catastrophic

Sounds like he's got a lot of work to do and a lot of people counting on him since he's trying to maintain their jobs. That is the nature of cutthroat business however, it can begin to hold you due to the need of each person's effort to a certain degree. Probably he's worried about employment, if a worker has a good idea/ method to attain the results the company requires them probably they are being favoured right now. Although I'm just saying supposedly.s

Overall, give him some time I think and console him

Wow, this is Mumsnet isn't it? How many mothers are here berating Op and completely overlooking the fact that this man is doing all of this in full hearing of his children. Op having to physically remove them from the house so that they can't hear his foul behaviour.

Op if he can't modify his behaviour for the benefit of his children he needs to move his fucking office into the shed, the car or the garage - somewhere they can't hear him.

How horrible for you to suddenly realise that you don't know the man you married...
Has he been just a weekend husband for many years?
Perhaps he is a total nasty piece of work during the week when working away and then puts on an act at the weekend or maybe it's the other way around the act of a bastard is during the week and you get the real person.

Driven by money? Massive problems in financial markets... producing his sudden change of temperament or maybe he has hidden his true self from you - he only had to pretend for the weekend...

He is obviously very stressed and compartmentalizes his life. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I have had jobs where shouting and swearing was the norm (kitchen and elsewhere). I would never speak to my DH or DC in that way. Other staff members spoke to me in that way and I was fine with it. We would have a drink after work and all was forgotten.

OP my bff is going through exactly the same, she has to listen to her dh all day to his clients from investment banking. I think whilst it’s a characature, the Wolf of Wall St is really true to life to how some of these men are in reality. Good luck, he’s going to drive you mad through this and you’ll be ready to sign the D papers as soon as you can walk into a solicitors office. 💐

My work and home personas are different. At work I manage a reasonably large team of people, I have targets, deadlines... I have to be quite hard at times.

I'm completely different at home. Chilled, carefree. Don't judge him by his work persona, it doesn't mean he's a horrible person.

As a side note if he's in that industry his stress levels will be astronomical, that doesn't mean you and the kids have to creep around though, that's not fair either. Can you have a chat about how you'll be doing things for the foreseeable? You ALL have to feel comfortable in your own home.

Well apparently on mn weirdly it's fine that he's a total cunt, because he makes all the money innit?

This is why I'd never marry a man that earns more money than me! So if he does turn out to be a total tool I don't get gits saying things like 'he pays for you so suck it up and wind your neck in princess.'

You are having to take your own dc out of the house because of his behaviour. Tell him to pack it the fuck in.

(Yes, swear. See if he dares have the nerve to still wince like a shocked Victorian gentkeman ).

@smurfette1818 I agree. You don't act like this all day and every day at work unless it is an intrinsic part of your personality. So no I would not be relaxed about this. And I agree how you treat those with less power than you says a lot about what kind of person you are.
You do NOT need to be like this to make money. But if the managers are like this then anyone who is not will leave.
Totally different I know, but in hobby investment groups all women groups way outperform other groups, and they will not be swearing and being abusive to each other.

Lots of people work in very high pressure environments. Try working in field medicine as a friend has. You work with casualties coming in all the time, fit and healthy young men with devastating injuries who you need to treat urgently to save their lives or limbs, often without the resources you really need. And if you are in charge you need to get everyone to do what they need to do in that second. Incredibly high stress. They are not abusive arseholes to each other.

Also IME when men like this let you make decisions, it is because it is things they don't really care about. Colour of wallpaper, what restaurant we eat at - your choice darling - because they don't care. If however you challenge something they do actually care about, you will get a very different reaction.
And yes it is abusive that you are having to keep your children at the bottom of the garden to avoid hearing their father shouting and swearing loudly all day. That is not oaky for your children or for you.

Rocketmam exactly! apparently it is fine to be evil if he makes loads and therefore the evilness is for the benefit of the family?

There is even a comment says that it doesn't matter how he behaves at work as long as he never does that to OP. But if he were smart of course he wouldn't shout at his wife, that would lead to losing a family followed by a large divorce settlement.

Imagine dating someone new and he yelled at waitress or his junior at work and your friend says, it's Ok as long he doesn't yell at you.

I am not saying he is definitely bad but OP need to investigate this further and watch him carefully.

I can't believe how many people think it's OK for people to behave like this (whether at work or home). Investment banking shouldn't exist (at least in its current form). I think there is a very clear link between the way they behave at work, and the way they treat the planet and its inhabitants via their decisions.

So no, he shouldn't be behaving like that at home. But then he shouldn't be behaving like that at all. And it's likely the nature of the work that leads to it. So he should find something more ethical to do with their money, and treat people better.

So even if he stops swearing (or does it more quietly) in the house, that won't magically change what he's like, embedded in this toxic male culture.

@Rocketmam Agreed. I assume those saying it is okay either behave that way themselves or have DHs that do.

This is not okay in anyway shape or form. Calling them fucking idiots? And yes, your children hearing their father speak like this is sad.

Think of him like an actor, at work he is acting and he's good at it, it's what is necessary. At home he's off duty and gets to be his real self.

@helpmeout6 There are often posts about people being bullied by a boss like this at work. Never have I seen anyone say “oh, they are only acting, putting on a show and he’s really good at it”

No matter what my husband’s job and how under pressure he was, if I ever heard him talking to his employees like that, I’d be considering my relationship with him.

It shows an arrogance, a disrespect and disregard for people he feels he is superior too. Even if it wasn’t directed at me, I couldn’t be with someone who has that attitude to any other person.

This is not okay in anyway shape or form. Calling them fucking idiots?

That truly depends on the work environment. I've worked in many offices where this was the norm, mostly among men, and they took it as completely normal, and gave as good as they got. They usually didn't speak that way to women, or to the staff, only to each other.

Maybe he's a psychopath. 1 in 100 people are so, you never know.

Not a good time to confront him,just leave it. What you do have to do is ask for a couple of periods during the day when he doesn’t let it escape the room so you can have children inside.
I would NOT be able to resist starting swearing when dc not around . So come down from putting them to bed, say (perfectly calmly mind) fucking hell that was a long bloody day, where’s the wine? What’s he going to say about it after all? good fucking morning honey.

Maybe he was not calling the person at the other end of the line a fucking idiot but referred to a third party.

I am afraid that if you want the lifestyle, you will have to suck it up. He is trying to keep his job and others.