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Original poster

Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

368 replies

Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 15:45

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 15:48

If it helps, he said he only did it once and will never do it again but I couldn’t stop thinking if he has done it more than once :(

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SheeshazAZ09 · 31/03/2020 15:50

Think you need to lighten up. Several of my male friends have told me they have hired a prostitute in a foreign country when young, so it's not that unusual. One very respectable man I know hired one in Amsterdam for his disabled son, as he wanted a professional to teach the lad what to do, so that he had a bit of a head start when he actually met someone he loved. Your BF didn't know you when he hired the prostitute and he was much younger. Didn't you do anything that you're not proud of when you were young?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 31/03/2020 15:51

Why did you ask him?

But you can't put the genie back in the bottle: you asked him; he was honest. You clearly are judging him for what he did in the past, so you're not very against that at all - it's easy to have principles when they're not tested though. Only you know whether this is a deal breaker for you or not, but if it is, better for both of you to make a clean break. What's the point of being with someone who disgusts you and who you find sleazy? That's no basis for a healthy relationship.

ErickBroch · 31/03/2020 15:51

TBH he was honest with you, you wanted him to lie? Why even ask then? I think it's quite shitty of you. I did a lot of stupid shit when I was young I am not proud of and it really hurts to be judged on stuff that happened a very long time ago.

People do grow up and change. Would you rather he lied then you found out the truth later?

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2020 15:57

I see using prostitutes as roughly the same as sex offending. Once is enough. There's no 'mistakes' or 'he's changed'. If you ever thought you could but consent, you don't get to pretend that's OK.

If he was racked with guilt, donating to sex worker charities and so on, just maybe. But probably not.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2020 15:58

Buy consent

yellowfishes · 31/03/2020 15:58

I did the same thing, but what upset me was that he admitted she cost the equivalent of £8 and he picked her out of a lineup. I actually ended the relationship over it, as I couldn't be with someone who would do that.

IMO it's one thing to hire an escort in the UK who chooses her clients and gets paid well, but picking someone out of a lineup (aka definitely working for a pimp) and for so little money I found disgusting.

Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 15:58

@erickbroch I agree completely. I’ve done some shit as well that I’d hate to be labelled on. That’s why I’m trying very hard not to let my irrational feeling cloud my judgement. But It’s been v hard. It just came as a shock to me :(

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Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 16:01

@yellowfishes how did you break up over it? What was his response?

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gettingfedupagain · 31/03/2020 16:02

You won't get over your disgust, in my experience

otterturk · 31/03/2020 16:03

I couldn't get past this and would have to end it. You can't buy consent.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 16:04

One very respectable man I know hired one in Amsterdam for his disabled son, as he wanted a professional to teach the lad what to do, so that he had a bit of a head start when he actually met someone he loved

Perhaps his first gf would've been happy to teach or learn with him, rather than having sex with a guy who's shagged a (possibly trafficked, possibly coerced) prostitute. Can you buy consent - no, it's not free consent, the consent is dependent on money they need; so sex with prostitutes is kinda like paid rape.

Besides sex isn't a fkg sport or profession or career.. you don't have to get ahead. A woman I know says her best ever sexual partner to date was her first (also a virgin) because of his character and effort. Because he cared if she climax ed a d pursued it enthusiastically etc. How much motivation do you get with a sex worker to make them climax, they don't care and are unlikely to give any real feedback.

Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 16:04

@SheeshazAZ09 I guess I just couldn’t put myself in his shoes, as I was never tempted to hire a prostitutes. And I couldn’t stop thinking about those sleazy tourists with a foreign prostitute in Amsterdam or Thailand. It came as a shock to me I must say. I’ve never dated anyone who admitted to have used prostitutes before.

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mamato3lads · 31/03/2020 16:06

I can see how it changed your perception of him. Its hard when that happens, feels like you dont know them and it takes time to adjust to the new perception. Sometimes, depending on circumstances, you can't adjust or accept what you've been told.

Don't ask questions in future before you work out if you can handle the truth x

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 16:06

It's also arguably worse for his self esteem to "have to" have someone paid to have sex with him, rather than getting involved with a normal person, forming a relationship and having sex.

And you're setting him up to see women as objects/services to be bought - lovely.

yellowfishes · 31/03/2020 16:07

Autumntimes I didn't tell him that was why, just that I wasn't into him. It might sound like a silly reason but it really made me see him differently and I couldn't move past it.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 16:07

(that was still.in reference to the young disabled man whose father bought a prostitute for him)..

IWantT0BreakFree · 31/03/2020 16:08

Deal breaker for me, absolutely. In exactly the same way as it would be over if I found out my partner had sexually abused or assaulted someone. Some things cannot be erased with a casual “but it was in the past”/“people change”. Men like that don’t change. He may not pay prostitutes for sex any more, but it’s extremely unlikely that his fundamental views on women and male entitlement to sex have changed. There is absolutely no way that a man who pays for sex can know whether the woman in front of him is there of her own free will or if she's being coerced or abused, whether she is trafficked, whether she is living in poverty and feels she has no choice etc. He cannot ever know whether he has meaningful consent from that woman (or indeed if she IS an adult woman and not a girl in many cases). No consent = rape. If he doesn't know that he's got meaningful consent, then he's accepting of the fact that the encounter may be a rape. That's the cold hard truth. Dismissing it as some kind of 'boys will be boys' bullshit as lots of people like to do is disgusting.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 16:09

One very respectable man I know

Oh and he's not respectable.

Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 16:09

I just can’t comprehend someone who can pay for sex, even in a drunk state. I’ve done some stupid shit, drunk or sober. But never receive or pay money for sex. Nor do I know many people who do, or have admitted having done so.

I know he is ashamed of it and he is scared of others knowing. I just want to believe he’s a very different guy now and I want to stop associating the old him with the current him

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Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 16:11

@mamato3lads wise words. I learned that now. Curiosity killed the cat.

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AvonBarksdale99 · 31/03/2020 16:17

I personally wouldn’t be with someone who saw using a prostitute as exactly the same as being a sex offender. I think they’re both wrong, but very different. Everyone’s entitled to their own views though.

Overall it’s better he’s been honest then had done it and lied. At least you can make your decision on what to do next based entirely on the facts.

Cambionome · 31/03/2020 16:23

My ex husband did the same when he was younger - told me about it quite soon after I first met him and I was too young and stupid to know how to deal with it.

I should have realised that the incident told me quite a lot about him. He was someone with no real empathy, understanding or respect for others.

Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 16:24

@avonbarksdale99 I too don’t see paying for sex same as sex abuse or rape. There are legitimately many families in poverty in Eastern Europe and Asia whose family’s main income is from prostitution and they were not trafficked.

There are also things that I will never understand. I’m a fairly attractive woman who can get sex easily but I have felt extremely frustrated before for feeling lonely and sad. Would I had considered paying for a prostitute in that state if I were a man? I don’t know.

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user1493413286 · 31/03/2020 16:29

Unfortunately you’ve learnt the hard way that you should only ask questions that you actually want a truthful answer to. It’s interesting that you say you haven’t been with anyone who has admitted to using prostitutes which suggests that you accept that some men use them but would never admit to it. I know a surprising number of men who have and do regularly use them; doesn’t make it ok but sadly it’s true. Only you can know if it’s a deal breaker for you and I suspect that you’re going to get a one sided view on here