Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

368 replies

Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 15:45

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 19:04

@Amymayapple

I’m going to try and not think about it but I want to be honest with him that this has affected my views on him and I want to believe that he is a solid person who does not treat women that way and he has prove to me.

Then I will give it some time. I really do think he is a decent and honest person. I mean I didn’t have any reason to believe otherwise

OP posts:
LexMitior · 31/03/2020 19:04

@grindergirl

Seriously? You didn’t even think maybe that this was frankly a bit grim?

The “young man” inexperienced thing is just crap; young men are attractive. They are better looking than old men, who makes a more common customer.

Young men who use prostitutes so early on are not going to turn into amazing lovers. They reveal themselves to be morally suspect.

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 19:08

@LexMitior yes, look at Russell Brand for example.

His dad, paid for Russell to have sex with a prositute when Russell was a teenager.

Russell said that it affected his whole life badly, he went on be a sex addict, a drug addict and abusive to many women

buhbutterybiscuitbase · 31/03/2020 19:09

@autumntimes I think you're trying to make it simpler than it is, we can't just say 'stuff in the past doesn't matter so it's ok' or 'stuff always matters so its not ok'. Its not past vs present you have to work out is if you can accept a partner that previously used a prostitute, that's why people are sharing their opinions on prostitution and what the act of using one would mean to them. Sorry this process is hard for you, like I said it would be a very easy decision for me (though hard to call time on a relationship I had high hopes for) but I understand not everyone would feel that way.
I do think you're letting him off lightly by not expecting him to think about the act more though. We don't allow women to benefit financially from surrogacy in the UK nor can you sell an organ even though giving up a kidney could lift someone out of poverty and save a life because ethically it's decided too many vulnerable people could be exploited. I see prostitution similarly. People are buying someone's body and it carries on the idea in society that women are just bodies. Consent under coercion is not consent and money changing hands is coercion.
Its obviously a lasting source of shame for him too so the while thing is sad really.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 19:10

Fuck me, apple didn't fall far from the tree then. You're so cool that you'd have preferred he cheated for free. His girlfriend is / was a lucky, lucky lady.

Imagine being in a relationship with a guy who cheated in you by using prostitute on a holiday and not knowing; while his granny knows and only told him off jokingly for wasting money ..... poor girl; you'd never dream people could be so fked up (if you were remotely normal yourself).

daffodil1224 · 31/03/2020 19:14

Ugh. To the woman who's grandson paid a woman to fuck him .. sorry can't find your post and can't be bothered to look..

You are a disgrace.

And how do you even know your grandson did that? What young "man" tells his nan that?

🤢

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 31/03/2020 19:16

I would have the ick after this and end the relationship.

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 19:17

Imagine being in a relationship with a guy who cheated in you by using prostitute on a holiday and not knowing; while his granny knows and only told him off jokingly for wasting money ..... poor girl; you'd never dream people could be so fked up (if you were remotely normal yourself).

I know, that post made my skin crawl. The boys will be boys / lads will be lads is such enabling behaviour and even more disappointing from women then men.

Sometimes I can't believe it's 2020 and this is still how people think. It's insulting to men who know it isn't inevitable that they'd be ok paying for sex. It's as pathetic as it is morally bankrupt.

The poor girlfriend and the poor girl in a poor country having a comparatively wealthy man pay to fuck her likely because her options are so limited by circumstance that she is that desperate for more money.

And poor granny for being an enabler and approving of that behaviour. Oh, other than him paying for it. Should have got her on the phone to negotiate for him.

forkfun · 31/03/2020 19:18

I should have realised that the incident told me quite a lot about him. He was someone with no real empathy, understanding or respect for others.

Wise words from a PP about her ex. Using women like this is indicative of his view on women. I'd pay attention.

RU562341 · 31/03/2020 19:18

I too don’t see paying for sex same as sex abuse or rape. There are legitimately many families in poverty in Eastern Europe and Asia whose family’s main income is from prostitution and they were not trafficked

But their circumstances led them to it- it's not really a free choice. I don't see paying for sex as the same as rape exactly. But can the person paying paying honestly know, hand on heart, that if the women had been born into better circumstances, she would make those choices? It's taking advantage of the poor, the addicted and the abused, IMO.

I don't know if I could get past that.

grindergirl · 31/03/2020 19:20

I am certainly not winding anyone up. My original comment to the op was that I thought honesty was the important consideration in her relationship. Far more important than past sexual exploits. Part of the problem when we are younger (at least as I see it) is that we are often too curious about the Bf or Gf's sexual past and make comparisons about the ex in our heads. The op is not likely to run into the foreign prostitute whereas she might if an ex-gf was in her own town. As for my own grandson, he's just a fly-by-night. He has had two other Gfs since Amsterdam. His life, not mine.

Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 19:22

@Buhbutterybiscuitbase
Its a difficult topic and he would feel ashamed of talking About it but I’m not the first partner he told this to so he should’ve expected this to happen. I will have another chat with him about it

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 19:24

Part of the problem when we are younger (at least as I see it) is that we are often too curious about the Bf or Gf's sexual past and make comparisons about the ex in our heads. The op is not likely to run into the foreign prostitute whereas she might if an ex-gf was in her own town.

Good grief.

That you think people's issue is comparing them self to the prostitute or concerned about running into them is shocking.

People's issue is that he paid for sex with someone unlikely to be doing it for any other reason than desperation, seeing her as nothing more than a receptacle for his dick.

The issue isn't jealousy, it's empathy for the girl and disgust at him paying her for sex.

Christ.

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 19:27

I thought honesty was the important consideration in her relationship.

And I'm sure your grandson has been honest when he's cheated on girlfriends with prostitutes. Absolute cash.

He's not just a 'fly-by-night', he's a cheater with no respect for women. Not the ones who have sex with him willingly or the ones he has to pay to do it.

The cheating is bad but the paying for sex is what people are so disgusted by.

Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young
grindergirl · 31/03/2020 19:30

How do I know my grandson used a prostitute? Because the grandkids and their friends regard me as some reprobate old hippy who they can talk to and who will never condemn different lifestyles. As I pointed out, sex trafficking is a horrible crime, but I don't see anything wrong with prostitution if a girl/woman has willingly chosen that path

Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 19:30

But guys, what do you think about buying day to day products made in Asian countries. My mum used to be one of those factory workers who work 18 hours a day for £200 a month. She hated it but she had no choice. Would you think of this as coercion and abuse?

OP posts:
Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 19:31

@autumntimes it is abuse, but not abuse at as extreme a level as sticking your body part into some one.

That is extreme abuse

Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 19:33

My mum had no previous eduction and was so poor she had to eat trash and trees. She learned how to sew from one of her family friends and got the job as a sweat shop worker for clothes. She worked 18 hours a day for £200 a month for these expected clothing to the West. That would really limit my dating pool if I don’t date anyone who buys stuff made in Asian countries lol

OP posts:
Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 19:33

@grindergirl was it in Amsterdam that you think the girl willingly chose the path?

I read the most horrendous book written by a prostitute who had been trafficked to Amsterdam

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 19:34

@Autumntimes it is not the same level of abuse.

It is not sticking your penis into a girl, who is going to be stuck there all day having sex with men

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2020 19:34

but I don't see anything wrong with prostitution if a girl/woman has willingly chosen that path

So he checked that. Right? That she wasn't coerced, trafficked or addicted?

Like fuck he did. Because they never do. I've asked sex workers and no one asks, never mind checks.

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 19:35

@Autumntimes I am sorry that you mum had a difficult time, but not everyone in the Western world is wealthy either. There is alot of poverty and terrible stories here too

AnyFucker · 31/03/2020 19:38

Keep convincing yourself, op

One day you too can be a moral-free vacuum. Something to aspire too, eh.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 19:38

he's just a fly-by-night

That quite a nice term for a cheating prostitute user.

As for it being his life - with such little (none actually) guidance in terms of murals, values, decency, empathy, respect for people etc from the senior members of his family - no wonder he's s cheating (prossie using) "lad"

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 19:39

As I pointed out, sex trafficking is a horrible crime, but I don't see anything wrong with prostitution if a girl/woman has willingly chosen that path

That's the point.

He could never tell whether or not she was trafficked.

But apparently paying to have sex with her is worth the risk in case she's someone who wasn't trafficked.

He's more likely to have contributed to a 'horrible crime' than to not have done so, don't you think?

Hippies were into free love not paid for sex. There's quite a difference.

Your statements are those of an apologist not someone who isn't judgemental.

I'm ok with being judgemental of people who pay to have sex with women.

That doesn't make me in general a judgemental person.

I personally don't judge people who have as much consensual sex with as many people as they want where neither party is coerced or forced by desperation to accept money for that sex and where there isn't an unknowing partner in the dark about it.