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Original poster

Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

368 replies

Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 15:45

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 18:21

*engage in acts usually done between partners, lovers (even if short term or one off)

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 18:21

@Autumntimes he didn't think much when he did it?

Would you think before you go to a prositute?

I would think: I am hurting this young man's body and soul. Is he in poverty.

He should think!

Beau20 · 31/03/2020 18:21

In short op, your bf sounds like a decent bloke for even admitting to it and telling you how ashamed he is. I would really try and just get over it...

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 18:24

Low value men use prostitutes.

High value men with morals do not.

I am very choosy about who i get in a relationship with. I would not let a man like that near me

SuspicionAintTheWay · 31/03/2020 18:25

OP, There are some questions you shouldn't ask, but you have asked and you can deal with it.
It is probably better that you have asked it.
Having been in a very similar situation, I should have walked away. I found out much later what a fat ugly white man who was prepared to pay for sex thought of women.

Harakeke · 31/03/2020 18:25

Dealbreaker for me.

Most of us have done stupid things in our youth. But buying the consent of an possibly trafficked woman does not come under youthful hijinks in my opinion.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 18:25

I think you'll find the majority of prostitutes in this country are VERY well off and do it off their own back. It's an extremely 'high end' industry to be in (in the world of escorts and prostitutes of course).

There is no eye rolling emoji that could ever do justice to this.

Ah those young women killed by the Ipswich murderer (heroin addicts) must be totally exceptional then. How very unfortunate for then that they weren't among the vast majority of highly paid, uncoerced (by their addiction I'd otherwise) exclusive escorts sicking dick in the Ritz while buying country piles in Berkshire.

But anyway - the ops bf did it abroad so irrelevant anyway.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 18:26

*sucking (obviously)

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 18:26

I read a really good quote in a spiritual book once,

It said,

"People put more thought into what handbag they buy, then what partner they choose".

You need to be choosy! Very choosy - Who you let into your life.

Harakeke · 31/03/2020 18:27

“ I think you'll find the majority of prostitutes in this country are VERY well off and do it off their own back. It's an extremely 'high end' industry to be in (in the world of escorts and prostitutes of course).”

😂 are you for real??

grindergirl · 31/03/2020 18:28

Personally, I wouldn't see it as any big deal. Honesty is far more important than some one-night-stand where money changed hands. You were curious about his sexual past and in all likelihood he was curious about what paying for sex would be like. Lads indulge in laddish behaviour. My grandson and his friend (both mid-twenties and with GFs) visited a prostitute apiece when they were in Amsterdam-and they didn't go there with any intention of viewing the Rembrandts. They went primarily to smoke weed and the sex was an add-on. Curiosity. It was their first visit to the city, and the red light district is a magnet for many young men. We're the type of family that can talk about such things. No condemnation on my part-I only jokingly berated him for wasting his money. There are undoubtedly too many undocumented sex workers-and sex-trafficking is horrific-but prostitution is regulated in the Netherlands. Brothels are legal and registered sex workers pay tax on their earnings. It's the same in Germany and Switzerland. Some people earn with their hands, some with their heads, some with their vaginas. Prostitution isn't called the world's oldest profession for nothing. There has always been a call for it, and always will. Some countries are far less puritanical about this than others

Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 18:29

I guess I think of most who pay for sex as more lonely sad dudes who cannot get laid so they wanted some quick and easy human touch and “love”. Rather than sexual abuse and rape ... If I’m honest I would not have thought much of poverty and human trafficking etc if I were a guy and hired a hooker. Certainly not 10 years ago.

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 31/03/2020 18:32

How would he feel if you had been a prostitute before he met you?

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 18:32

@autumntimes you are sitting on a bed right now, with a 19 year old scared looking man. How would you feel?

PositiveVibez · 31/03/2020 18:32

I think you'll find the majority of prostitutes in this country are VERY well off and do it off their own back

And the award for the biggest load of bollocks spouted on this thread, goes to........

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 18:32

100% deal breaker for me.

I couldn't have sex with him again.

And to be honest he would make my skin crawl.

I know other people feel differently but for me I couldn't get past this and wouldn't want to try.

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 18:34

@Autumntimes you have an overly nice view of men who use prostitutes.

I saw a man talk online about using prostitutes once.

He said that he and his friends tell their wives that they are going on a golfing holiday abroad.

They all go to a brothel, where he said that he gets a 19 year old to lick his arse, he is 52

PositiveVibez · 31/03/2020 18:39

Around 80% percent of sex workers in Amsterdam ARE trafficked.

It is a massive problem, so going there thinking you're paying for sex with someone who is overjoyed to sit on a blokes cock, because of course, why wouldn't they be, he must be a great bloke, has an 8 in 10 chance of (ab)using the body of someone who has been forced to be there.

Please don't use the red light district as an example of a place where everyone can have a fine old time, no harm done.

Skittlesss · 31/03/2020 18:39

you have an overly nice view of men who use prostitutes

Amy, she hasn’t. She’s just making his excuses for him and justifying it in her own mind so she doesn’t have to leave.

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 18:39

I guess I think of most who pay for sex as more lonely sad dudes who cannot get laid so they wanted some quick and easy human touch and “love”

This is so unbelievably naive I don't even know where to start.

Sure, some are like this.

The vast majority want to fuck someone who won't say no or require being treated like a real person with thoughts, feelings and choice. And they're happy to pay for it.

Doing it in a poor country where women and girls are driven to doing it because they desperately need money is just an extra layer of disgusting.

He wasn't ashamed enough not to pay to fuck her. I would be instantly repulsed by him. I respect other people feel differently but it's black and white for me.

fuzzymoon · 31/03/2020 18:41

It was very good he was honest with you and that shows that he respects you that he won't lie to you.

I'm not sure why you asked the question. Trying to be cheeky , look controversial or daring with your questioning perhaps.

There is a difference between a regular user or one who goes abroad for the purpose of buying sex.

I don't like the idea of prostitution but there is a difference of a bad choice when young to someone doing this several times.

Sometimes you do something and regret it often instantly or may be after a while. You get pulled along in the heat of the moment. This happens more the younger you are.

May be if what you said is right he would be better off without you for setting him up and being so unforgiving.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 18:41

some one-night-stand where money changed hands

This thread had produced some absolute classics - so using a prostitute is a "one night stand where money changed hands".

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2020 18:41

If you've ever got drunk and had sex with a stranger, or a ONS, of shoplifted as a teenager for a a laugh, taken drugs, or done any number of silly things you regret, then it's not fair to judge someone else on a silly mistake they made as a young person.

Not shoplifting but the rest. None of which involved circumventing consent to stick things in people's bodies. Even if it were only 10% trafficked and coerced (it's much higher) would you risk a 10% chance of raping someone? I wouldn't.

Beau20 · 31/03/2020 18:42

@Harakeke nope! There's a couple of Netflix series if you fancy a bit of educating during lockdown...

In all seriousness as I've said, I hate prostitution/stripping etc etc. Just a bit annoying everyone seems to think it's all about poverty, kidnap and addicting them to drugs. Everyone's clearly going off the 'taken' film...

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 18:44

I was on a national chat forum, and a man brought up that he was cheating on his wife in a boasting way. And he said that every year he would lie to her about going on a golfing holiday, and then he would go to a tennage prostitute.

I said to him "did you not feel bad about making a 19 year old girl lick a 50 year old man's arse, "

He said "no it was great! And she was so young!"

Those men have no empathy