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Original poster

Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

368 replies

Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 15:45

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 16:32

Yes I figure many men have used them as a lot of them often joke about their mates having used prostitutes but never admitted using themselves. So I reckon many guys have tried it and felt ashamed of the act.

OP posts:
Beau20 · 31/03/2020 16:32

Deal breaker for me, absolutely. In exactly the same way as it would be over if I found out my partner had sexually abused or assaulted someone.

I'm not even sure how you can put these 2 in the same category?!? TOTALLY different!

No disrespect OP but I think you'll find it's pretty common that men have paid for prostitutes before, usually in Amsterdam on a stupid lads holiday... (and no I'm not saying everyone does this before I get flamed). You asked, he was honest and he told you. A lot of men will do it as a one off thing, there is absolutely nothing to say he will do it again just because he's done it once before. How much do you really like this guy? Do you really think that if you go find someone else, that they won't have done it too? I'm not saying it's okay but at the same time it's not the worse thing in the world he could have done...

That being said, yes it is vile! If I found out my OH had done it maybe once, I could forgive. If it was a regular thing then sorry, no, goodbye!

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/03/2020 16:50

I would care, but not be as judgemental as you. There is a lot of social pressure pushing young men to hire and use prostitutes. Stag parties for example. I can’t really judge a man for trying something that society romanticises and pushes on them as a kind of manhood rite of passage and is also perfectly legal to do.

I think it’s good that the one experimental experience turned him against prostitution such that he realises it is not good and will never do it again. I also think that you should consider that he has been truthful with you and is not a liar. Everyone deserves ti be judged for who they have become and not on the basis of one time mistakes.

goldpartyhat · 31/03/2020 16:58

If you've ever got drunk and had sex with a stranger, or a ONS, of shoplifted as a teenager for a a laugh, taken drugs, or done any number of silly things you regret, then it's not fair to judge someone else on a silly mistake they made as a young person.

He regrets it, you shouldn't have asked if you wanted an honest answer you couldn't deal with, and now you need to move on. Stay or end it.

daffodil1224 · 31/03/2020 16:59

I couldn't get past this. I view thinks very black or white and this would destroy my view of him.

daffodil1224 · 31/03/2020 16:59

Things*

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 17:01

If some one has been with a prostitute , I wouldn't be with them.

Prositution is filled with girls who are forced to be there.

I also see it as basically rape and abuse.

It says alot about the man's character. I knew one man who had been with a prostitute and he was a nasty, abusive man.

PeterPanGoesWrong · 31/03/2020 17:03

Lesson learned op, never ask a question that you don’t really want to know the bloody answer to!

Why the fuck did you ask him if the real answer is so bloody upsetting?
Sorry love, but no sympathy for you getting the answer to a question! So bloody what? He enjoyed some time with a prostitute, he’s not with her now, he’s with you. Grow the fuck up.

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 17:07

It is SO wrong to be with a prostitute.

My male friend works in adult education. He said that there was one man on the course who was difficult to teach and was upsetting all the other students.

He was an alcoholic, and he would come in and say how he loved using the local prostitutes. That he loved the black girls, and the younger lads should give the black girls a try.

He got removed from the course, because everyone was disgusted by his talk.

Not only has your man abused a woman, remember that he has also out his penis in a vagina , where many penises have been. And those penises will have been in many other prostitutes.

That is why you feel disgusted. We have the right to have sex with some one , based on how we feel about their sexual history

TestBank · 31/03/2020 17:14

Sadly it would be a deal breaker for me, even if it left me with no man I could ever date. It is the same, to me, as saying you raped someone once but you are different now. Maybe not. Some actions say too much about a person and how they view women.

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 17:21

@testbank I agree.

Prostitution is one of the biggest symbols of male abuse in the world. How can they not stop to think:

This girl could be held against her will by a oimp.
If she is doing it by choice, she is doing it because she is forced to because of extreme poverty. No one would do it willingly. So the second scenario also raised issues of consent.

The third issue for ne is that you are basically having sex her, and all the men that have had sex with her, condoms do kot protect against everything.

Total deal breaker

EnterFunnyNameHere · 31/03/2020 17:22

Deal breaker for me most likely. As pp, you can't buy consent! Maybe if they seemed to have strongly changed their view (ie did when young not considering consent/likely trafficking etc and now are enlightened) it would be different... but probably not. Not sure I could be with someone who ever thought it was ok....

daffodil1224 · 31/03/2020 17:23

I've never told anyone this before. I guess I can here as anon. When I was a teenager my parents split and both left me and my little sister and we had nothing. I advertised on gumtree for a "punter" just to get enough for food. I met the man in a pub first and was really sad saying I'm not sure I can do it etc. He used his "charm" and 100% effort to persuade me and it was the most foul experience of my life. So yes I find any man who pays a woman to spread her legs so he can have a thrill utterly vile.

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 17:24

Prostitutes are in poverty. How can they give consent. It is abuse.

I remember seeing an example of prositution.

I was in Goa, India, and there were some Indian women selling bracelets on the beach. They were so malnourished, very skinny and sad looking. They were the skinniest women I ever saw. Obviously they barely had money for food.

On the beach was a fat, old German man. Disgusting, huge belly, hugely fat.

Another guest told me that the German man was paying these starving, malnourished women for sex.

How is that consent?

Seriously79 · 31/03/2020 17:25

Everyone got a past - haven't they?

He told you - he didn't have to.

Ask him to get a STD check, and move on.

I'm a completely different person now than I was in my younger years. He might not like some of the things you did in your past.

Amymayapple · 31/03/2020 17:26

@Seriously79 I wouldn't move past it. Isn't is committing a crime aswell

Seriously79 · 31/03/2020 17:30

@Amymayapple I understand what your saying, and I'm not trying to belittle the OP's thread, but she's found something out that she doesn't like and now needs to decide what to do.

I just meant that we all have a past, good, bad or indifferent.

OP - you need to decide if you can live with this - was this relationship 'the one?' Would counselling help?

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2020 17:31

I know a few who did this when they were younger and they are all ex army. One said it was just what you did, and there very much a culture of it being expected and you were bullied if you didnt.

He said it wasnt a pleasant experience and he wouldnt dream of doing it now but that at the time he was more scared of not doing it. He was around 19 years old and not strong enough to tell his mates to sod off, turned out later that most of them felt the same way.

AlwaysAllegra · 31/03/2020 17:32

This would be a deal breaker for me.
Women turn to prostitution often due to an abusive upbringing, drug addiction, trafficking or an abusive relationship. Him paying for this is sleazy and doesn't show care and respect for women in general. I would 100% end a relationship based on this. I think what it comes down to is you both don't have the same ethics and morals. Some sex workers/escorts apparently love the job/money, but I assume that isn't the majority.

Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 17:34

I didn’t expect this to turn into a moral discussion.. Nor am I this extreme to think he is this fat ugly white guy who takes advantage of women in poverty. I believe people do make mistakes and can learn from it. I’m just going through a stage where I’m trying to process my irrational feeling and not put him In the same category as those morally flawed losers. Because from what I’ve seen so far he is far from those people. Tho I know six months is a short time

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 17:36

@PyongyangKipperbang yes he is absolutely ashamed and scared of people around him knowing that but he didn’t wanna lie to me. He said he has never lied to past partners about this either. I didn’t wanna know more detail as the past is with him and I don’t wanna get more upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumntimes · 31/03/2020 17:40

@Seriously79 I don’t know if this is the one yet but I have been on the other side of the table, having been judged by someone I was in love with for some stupid things I did in the past which I regret. This led to me ending the relationship as he was not decisive enough to leave me I guess. That was one of the worst experience for me and I do not want to judge someone based on things they did in the past if they are now otherwise a good person. Nor do I want to hold it against them. I just want to know how to process the initial shock and bad feelings.

OP posts:
TestBank · 31/03/2020 17:41

That's not quite what you are doing. What you are feeling is cognitive dissonance. You call it an irrational feeling for example, but why is it irrational? You like him, you want to stay with him, therefore you are trying to rationalize your way out of it. It's up to you what you accept. You will most likely regret it further down the line. I get that it's tricky though. About 1/10 men in the uk have used sex workers.

LochJessMonster · 31/03/2020 17:42

I think you are overreacting and won’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to in future!
He regrets it and isn’t bragging about it so I would chalk it up to a youthful mistake.

BestUseADifferentName · 31/03/2020 17:44

My husband told me the same thing. I was disgusted and let him know it. Then a few months later I found out that he had was actually doing it now too and has been for the last three years.

Now we've split up.

There is no way on this earth that I would ever get into a relationship with someone I knew had ever done it now.