Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

[Autumntimes]

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

@PositiveVibez YOU for thinking I am incorrect 😂😂😂

Do some googling. As I just mentioned, there's a string of Netflix documentaries on the sex industry. Go educate yourself!

I could never get over it and would never be with someone who admitted they had done that. I find it utterly, utterly repulsive.

I agree @sausagepastapot.

It is so many levels of wrong. It basically comes down to:

He thought that it was okay to hurt some one else. And to contribute to a long line of hurt that woman is having

Lads indulge in laddish behaviour. My grandson and his friend (both mid-twenties and with GFs) visited a prostitute apiece when they were in Amsterdam---and they didn't go there with any intention of viewing the Rembrandts. They went primarily to smoke weed and the sex was an add-on.

Your grandson fucked a prostitute whom you and he had no idea was coerced or not (it being all consensual and above board has been shown to be bollocks).while he was in a fkg relationship (!) ... And you think it's all cool.

Everyone's clearly going off the 'taken' film...

Nope. Thirty years of working in homelessness. I know more sex workers than most. And I don't get my information from Netflix.

You obviously like him and see good qualities in him, which is why you are finding it hard to reconcile that with his behaviour because in your head you categorised the 'type of men' who use prostitutes and they're different to the man you know now. But he used one. It doesn't mean he's thoroughly bad just as not using one wouldn't mean someone was an angel.
That being said it would be a reason for me to walk away. Being young isn't an excuse, neither is not considering what it means for women. Men should consider that, that's half the problem.
It takes a lot of steps. Deciding to do it, planning, searching, choosing, negotiating, paying, undressing, sticking your dick in... I'd never be able to forget that or the way they continued the shitty treatment of women in this world. But I would never judge someone else for staying I just know my limits.
Good luck finding yours. I was deeply saddened by something my partner had done in the past, I felt it changed a lot, there was a hard period of adjustment but he is a wonderful partner and father and I'm so glad I accepted that part of his past as part of a whole.
Its very personal to you and a decision about you and your feelings (which aren't irrational) and him as a complex person, not a referendum on prostitution.

Can everyone stop for one moment and put yourself in the prostitute's shoes.

You are in a small room , having sex with twenty men in one day, that you just met. In all probability you are in this situation because you owe some one money, or you owe drugs money, your money goues straight to your pimp or on drugs.

How do you feel?

We're the type of family that can talk about such things. No condemnation on my part---I only jokingly berated him for wasting his money.

You're such a cool family.

Keep taking the drugs.

People do change. The problem is you'll never know whether or not he truly regrets it.
I did quite a lot of drugs when I was younger. I am a very different person now and would be mortified to be judged for who I am at this age based on the memory of terrible decisions I made in my teens.
It's a tough one

nope! There's a couple of Netflix series if you fancy a bit of educating during lockdown...

Just because there's a biased documentary or two on tv does not make it the norm. You walk around any city centre street - none of the sex workers out there are Billie Piper high end 'escorts' with a five bedroom pad in the shires.

Lads indulge in laddish behaviour.

The ridiculous 'boys will be boys' enabler. No wonder we get tools like Billy Joe Saunders and his ilk.

Lads indulge in laddish behaviour. My grandson and his friend (both mid-twenties and with GFs) visited a prostitute apiece when they were in Amsterdam---and they didn't go there with any intention of viewing the Rembrandts. They went primarily to smoke weed and the sex was an add-on.

You must be so proud.

Cheating on his girlfriend with a prostitute when a full grown adult.

I wonder how he'd feel if she fucked someone else and lied about it.

Lads indulge in laddish behaviour?

Cheats indulge in cheating behaviour.

Cunts indulge in cuntish behaviour.

None of those statements make those things OK.

Men aren't a homogenous group of 'lads'. Don't project some men's disgusting behaviour onto the rest of the male population as if it's inevitable and shouldn't be challenged.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to give him excuse. In fact, I have already told him I’m not sure how I feel about this and I need some time off from him to think and that i might not be able to accept it.

I’m simply saying a lot of people do stupid shit without thinking human trafficking etc. People are misinformed etc. Doesn’t mean they do it in a malicious way. Not all men who visited brothels once are rapists or thought about more deeper social issues. What happened to helping criminals reform? Are they terrible people for life?

Again I still find prostitution disgusting and wrong. The purpose of my post was more of a debate of “do we judge someone for life based on something they did in the past”. Sadly this thread has turned into something completely different.

“Everyone's clearly going off the 'taken' film...“

No. I worked with an NGO who helped get young women (as young as 13) off the streets. Much sadder and more disturbing than Taken I can tell you.

I only jokingly berated him for wasting his money.

Fuck me, apple didn't fall far from the tree then. You're so cool that you'd have preferred he cheated for free. His girlfriend is / was a lucky, lucky lady.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/voices/amsterdam-red-light-district-failing-prostitution-sex-work-decriminalisation-doesnt-work-holland-a8206511.html%3famp

1 second Google search.

And there have been TV documentaries in it too ... Wake up.

@Autumntimes I would never forgive someone for being with a prostitute. I think that I deserve a better man than that in my life.

What do you think you will do?

@GilbertMarkham. I never said it was ''cool''. I'm just pragmatic. Once asked a guy why he went to prostitutes...he wasn't so plug-ugly he couldn't have got a GF. He said it was a lot less hassle than wining and dining a girl and not being certain that he'd get sex at the end of the night. Sex and love don't always go together

Again I still find prostitution disgusting and wrong. The purpose of my post was more of a debate of “do we judge someone for life based on something they did in the past”. Sadly this thread has turned into something completely different.

It hasn't, it's part of a discussion about whether some things we do in our past are unforgivable whereas others aren't.

And from my POV while I would be repulsed and disgusted by him, I guess all that matters is whether you can get over it.

Other people can't tell you if you 'should' get over it. You're an adult with agency over your own life - you know if this is a dealbreaker or not.

It would make it impossible for me to have sex with him. Everyone is different. It sounds like you're tying yourself in knots to convince yourself you 'should' be able to get past it. But you're having to tie yourself in knots to do it because your gut reaction is that this has fundamentally changed your opinion of him in an irreparable ways That isn't going to go away.

I wonder how he'd feel if she fucked someone else and lied about it..

We don't know if he lied about it to his gf, bit we do know that f he didn't he could've said "Well my granny thinks it's a laugh and just told me off jokingly for wasting my money, she thinks there's nothing wrong with it".

Whether said young man and granny would equally think it was a harmless laugh if his gf ground up and down on a male strippers dick til she climaxed while in a girl's holiday is another question.

Maybe it would be ok as long as the silly young lady didn't spend money on the male stripper.

@buhbutterybiscuitbase I cheated on my ex-bf when I was 22. I’m now 32. That was the worst experience I had so far and I don’t withhold that information. My families and friends knew. I’ve changed a lot over the years since that experience and it was part of my journey of becoming a better person. People say once a cheater always a cheater. I disagree. This is one of the main reasons (along with the terrible experience I had where anther ex bf of mine judging me for my sexual experience when I was single) why I want to give him the benefits of the doubt.

He said it was a lot less hassle than wining and dining a girl and not being certain that he'd get sex at the end of the night.

You are seriously on a wind up now. 'Wining and dining' somebody NEVER entitles you to sex at the end of the night.

Deal breaker for me, too. One of my closest friends as a twenty-something told me he and a friend had done this in Amsterdam and it instantaneously changed the way I felt about him. This was someone I spent a few evenings a week in the company of, stayed in our flat loads and so on and I cut him off completely as I just couldn’t justify continuing the friendship. It’s absolutely in the same bracket as sex offending to me - I also think it says a lot about someone who could actually get turned on and go through with a sexual act with someone when the other party is just being paid to do it. There’s something totally morally and emotionally bankrupt in that, imo.

I never said it was ''cool''. I'm just pragmatic.

You've indicated in all your posts that you think young men using prostitutes is ok (even when they have girlfriends) - acceptable, not abnormal behaviour. You said that you found the only thing to chose him for about it was the use of the money.

That's what I meant by cool.

Once asked a guy why he went to prostitutes...he wasn't so plug-ugly he couldn't have got a GF. He said it was a lot less hassle than wining and dining a girl and not being certain that he'd get sex at the end of the night. Sex and love don't always go together

You've completely missed the difference between sex and using a prostitute for sex.

*You said that you found the only thing to chide him for about it was the use of the money.