Boyfriend told me he paid for prostitute overseas when he was young

[Autumntimes]

Been with him for almost 6 months now. Randomly asked him the question if he has hired a prostitute before and he said yes, overseas when he was much younger. I didn’t ask too much details. I just felt disgusted and upset. He said he did it once and he was ashamed to tell people but he wanted to be honest with me.

I don’t know what to do. I got told this about 3 weeks ago. Some days we were ok. Other days I could not stop imagining him being this sleazy loser who went up to a hooker and negotiated price. It changed my perception of him completely. So much so that I felt a bit disgusted just talking to him. We haven’t talked about this in great detail. Maybe I should but I don’t wanna make myself feel sick all over again.

I understand that people do make mistakes in the past and people do change. I am very against judging people for what they have done in the past without giving them a fair chance but it’s just been so hard. I kinda wish he lied to me when I asked him. It did absolutely nothing to our relationship but to make me feel disgusted and hurt. I just don’t know how I can get over it.

Oh, my DH said he regretted the one in his youth and was ashamed etc. Didn't stop him cheating on me with them for three years though.

People do stupid things. They do them because they are naïve, drunk/intoxicated, foolish, depressed, stressed or anxious. People make mistakes. People say stupid things. Most adults have sufficient empathy and understanding to forgive, ignore or look past those mistakes.

I assume you are perfect?

Most adults have sufficient empathy and understanding to forgive, ignore or look past those mistakes.

Not when the ‘mistakes’ involve abusing and exploiting another person, they don’t.

@BestUseADifferentName I’m really sorry for what you have been through. I think this is one thing that I’m worried about. But I can’t say he will be like this for sure. It’s not fair on him or us

@TestBank you might be right. I have been very against prostitution. Because I don’t understand it. I don’t agree with it. But I do also think there are women out there who do it by choice and we nee to create a safe environment for women so they can choose to do it by choice and safely. This includes male prostitutes too.

I don’t know if I will ever be 100% ok with it. Now I’m just giving myself a bit of time and see if I can get past it.

Not only has your man abused a woman, remember that he has also out his penis in a vagina , where many penises have been. And those penises will have been in many other prostitutes

So it's a bad thing to put ones penis into a vagina where lots of other penis' have been?

Surprised no one else picked up on that slut shaming little gem.

There are legitimately many families in poverty in Eastern Europe and Asia whose family’s main income is from prostitution and they were not trafficked.

But then they are coerced - because they have no other prospect of paid work and are out under pressure to provide for older and younger family members. It's not free choice. It's fkg awful.

Would you pay a man to go down on you who was doing it to get money to eat, for his family to eat? Would you feel ok about it?

You could go home and even if you claim benefits - get money for food, accommodation etc. He's stuck there doing that with no other options. It's miserable, demeaning for him and in your position, you're exploiting him.

I assume you are perfect?

Well she hasn't sexually exploited a person in a (likely) developing country - whose circumstances she didn't know about to know whether they were coerced, trafficked etc. So I think she's just s tiny bit ahead in the perfection game.

I doubt that 1 in 10 men have.

I have been in OP's position, although he didn't specifically say that he had - just that there were lads trips to Amsterdam. I dismissed it as 'I don't like it but we've all been young'

With hindsight I should have seen it as a red flag. Someone who buys sex like it was a cup of coffee in a disposable cup or a takaway burger.

If you stay with him, mark it as a red flag, but if it will always bug you, dump him now as it will disgust you even more if it all goes wrong further down the line.

@samyeagar I saw that and thought what bollocks that is! Horrendous attitude to women!

@samyeager you left out half of my sentence, the full sentence was:

Remember that he also put his penis in a vagina, where many penises have been. And those penises will have been in many other prostitutes

It is not about the woman having had sex with many men, it is about the quality
of those men.

Men who have sex with prositutes, will have sex with other prostitutes usually, and many of them will not use a condom.

So of course it is important who our exes have been sex with.

Would I go out with a man who has been with a prostitute.

No I wouldn't.

Because I value the prostitute's physical and mental health.
And I would value my mental and physical health
And I would lose respect for him.

If your aunty/mother for example paid to have sex with a poor romanian 19 year old man. Would you ever look at them the same again?

One very respectable man I know hired one in Amsterdam for his disabled son, as he wanted a professional to teach the lad what to do, so that he had a bit of a head start when he actually met someone he loved

Respectable 😂😂😂

He paid for his son use a woman's body so when he met a woman he viewed as having value, he could fuck her with what he learned from someone he had used as a wank sock.

Yeah. They both sound very respectable. And respectful toward woman I'm sure 🤢

Yes I figure many men have used them as a lot of them often joke about their mates having used prostitutes but never admitted using themselves. So I reckon many guys have tried it and felt ashamed of the act.

There are estimates of how many men in western countries have used or use prostitutes and they are not the majority of men.

@PixiKitKat oh for absolute fuck sake.

@pixikitkat you are an idiot. How does me saying SEVERAL times that I am worried about the prostitute's mental and physical health

= I have a horrendous attitude to women?

You are bonkers.

Are you happy with the girls being trafficked then?

My ex husband I found out used a prostitute whilst in the Royal Navy, they hired a girl and shared her around. I found the video 2 years later on his laptop.
I wish I had left then as the man had no empathy or feelings for anyone, other than himself.
I would say try and forget, but it's not that simple and it says a lot about how he sees women

you left out half of my sentence, the full sentence was:

Just to be clear, I did indeed include your entire statement. I didn't edit to change context.

It is not about the woman having had sex with many men, it is about the quality of those men.

Ahh, got it. If the woman has lots of high quality penis it's ok, but lots of low quality penis it is bad?

*I'm not even sure how you can put these 2 in the same category?!? TOTALLY different!

No disrespect OP but I think you'll find it's pretty common that men have paid for prostitutes before, usually in Amsterdam on a stupid lads holiday... (and no I'm not saying everyone does this before I get flamed). You asked, he was honest and he told you. A lot of men will do it as a one off thing, there is absolutely nothing to say he will do it again just because he's done it once before. How much do you really like this guy? Do you really think that if you go find someone else, that they won't have done it too? I'm not saying it's okay but at the same time it's not the worse thing in the world he could have done...*

Actually I think.shes spot on. Never thought about it before but the two things do have in common that there is no real consent and they are exploitative.

Plus it's a line that you cross.

Dread to think what circles you you move in that you think most men have used a prostitute at least once.You sound like the type of person who's ok with their partner going for lap dances and using cam girls.

@PixiKitKat

If I was with a man who has been with a prostiute, I would worry about my sexual health, and that is NOT slut shaming.

It is not about the woman having sex with lots of men.

It is about the very low quality of the hundreds of men who will use her. Those low standard men have all the power, and can easily push her into having sex without a condom, anal without a condom etc.

That is why I would be worried about my sexual health.

@samyeagar emmm your argument is strange.

I am not sure even why I am bothering arguing with you.

I don’t think you need to “lighten up”. You’re with someone who thinks that women are to be bought and used. Fuck that.

@samyeagar if I can explain it this way:

I don't wan to have sex with a man who has:
Abused a woman,
And that woman has been abused by hundreds of men.

I can feel the chain of pain

My family is actually from overseas. My mum at some points found herself eating trash and trees. But she didn’t sell her body and became a prostitute.

I really didn’t expect this to turn into a “is prostitution bad” topic. And I do believe some women do it by choice. Other women have no choice. And I didn’t think he even thought about it that much when he did it. Like many people probably wouldn’t have.

I don’t see prostitution as sexual abuse or rape so I don’t know how I can engage in this topic further.

Maybe i need to talk to him more to get his views on prostitution.

stupid lads holiday.

Stupid isn't really the word you'd use for a holiday that includes sex with prostitutes.

What it takes to look at another person, objectify them and decide to buy their consent (except you can't) to penetrate their body and engage in acts not ally find between partners, lovers (even if short term or one off) .... It's a line you cross. It's not stupidity. It's many other things but not stupidity.

(Apparently everything's legit and above board and noone's exploited or coerced etc in the red light district in Amsterdam ... Except that's not true and the slightest investigations have shown it not to be).

I cannot actually believe how many people are comparing prostitution to rape and sexual abuse!!

I hate prostitution I think it's vile but Christ, not EVERY single prostitute in the world comes from poverty/forced into it. I think you'll find the majority of prostitutes in this country are VERY well off and do it off their own back. It's an extremely 'high end' industry to be in (in the world of escorts and prostitutes of course). There are so so many women who are strippers, cam girls, escort, prostitutes and are very open about it. I'm not saying it's not still around because it is, but the whole trafficked addicted to drugs run by a pimp forced prostitutes is a huge thing of the past...