Is it all me?

[KatieRobin]

I know there are far more important things going on in the world, so apologies as this may seem trivial. This is also my first post. After some advice. Have been with my husband for so long now I just don’t know what’s normal. DH is always grumpy. Never wants to talk. Never ever wants to have a back and forth conversation. Just a fun conversation.
Went out to walk our 2 dogs. Were out for 30 minutes and managed to somehow annoy him. Everything I say is wrong. Started saying just casually I wondered what work was going to be like next week. We are both key workers. Got the response of ‘ I don’t know’ I should have just stopped trying to make conversation, guess I was just desperate for some kind of chit chat. Then started saying about what unprecedented times we are living in. He said no it isn’t what about swine flu and aids. I said yes but they didn’t cause a lockdown. He starts getting angry. I don’t know why, maybe because I disagreed. I like normal conversations- like conversations I have with other people where you can have back and forths- you don’t always have to agree in the conversation and that’s fine. If I don’t agree he says I’m questioning him and starts saying that he’s not stupid and that he does know stuff. I just shut up. We walk in silence. When he put the poo bags in the poo bin I thought he’d touched it with his hand and said to be careful about touching it ( due to Covid -19 etc ) he started seething through his teeth saying he’d touched it with his elbow and that he’s not completely stupid, that he does know stuff and that I was really f@#ing pushing him. Then he started raising his voice saying which way are we going now. I just felt so sad that I can’t say a thing, not a thing that creates a normal conversation and the fact that he started saying I was pushing him ( he says this a lot ) I could feel tears in my eyes. I asked how I’m pushing him. He said ‘it’s you, it’s f@%ing you always questioning me’ I said I didn’t think I did at all. I just wanted a nice walk. He just kept banging on that it’s all me and that I treat him like he’s stupid. He even said something like ‘ I don’t go into work dribbling you know. I do know things’ I just don’t understand what I do wrong all the time to deserve to be spoken to like this. I’m in tears as he makes me feel so unloved. Is it me? I just don’t know anymore.

He’s now said that after lockdown and everything is over we should get divorced. ( and then said after it ‘don’t you think?’ )

KatieRobin, I am sorry, as hearing those words will come as a shock.

How did you respond? What is clear is that he doesn't want to work on the relationship and probadly wants to test how desperate you are to stay.

Is he secretive with his phone? I don't want to add to the sadness you already feel but I think if he wants to leave then there is likely to be someone that he is in contact with.

It was only in hindsight that I realised Ex was in contact with someone, who later became the OW, she offered him support for his "dreadful" marriage as he painted himself as the victim. When I pulled the plug on our relationship I think it forced them together. She was married so divorced her unaware husband. It all came out much later down the line.

I mention this not to cause more pain but I wish I had been more aware at the time. It made much more sense on why his behaviour ramped up.

Have you started to tell family as you need support.

He’s now said that after lockdown and everything is over we should get divorced. ( and then said after it ‘don’t you think?’)

I know these words will have come as a shock, even though you knew your marriage was over and you were heading that way already.

Time to be brave and get everything sorted. Draw up a list of your joint assets and contact a lawyer now, and get the ball rolling. Don't wait for him to file - you'll feel more in control if you stay ahead of the curve and serve him with divorce papers.

Don't fall apart now. You can do this!

Feeling very alone. Not at work today, but he is. Now I’ve had to stop and take it all in feel very sad.
Feel like everyone has so much going on that I don’t want to bother them with this.

I didn’t really respond. Just sort of said ok. I don’t want to beg him to work it out. So that’s it I guess. He’s at work and probably acting normal. I’m home alone with the dogs thinking what has happened.

I think the way he is with his phone could be considered as secretive, although he told me the code years ago. I don’t know if it’s still the same or what sort of security access he has on his phone. Feel like a fool. I’ve let myself go mentally and physically. He had my best yrs. I wasted them on him.

What could I even do if there is another woman? Nothing really.

Feel like we are passing ships because of work at the moment and then after Sunday something in me clicked. He didn’t talk to me for days and now this. This huge thing just said like that.

This feels rubbish.

He’s now said that after lockdown and everything is over we should get divorced. ( and then said after it ‘don’t you think?’)

What was your reply ? Do you feel up to saying well we can get the ball rolling now ?

You know he expects you to grovel for your relationship now

What has happened is that he has spelt out what was as clear as day beforehand. Your marriage is dead, and has been for a long time. I know this may be hard to accept, but why would you want to stay married to this man who not only doesn't care about you but actively resents you?

I know this is very hard. Lots of us have been there and have had to do something which we found incredibly difficult. We are here to listen and advise. Be brave. Really, you will feel so much better once you let go and focus on the practicalities of getting rid of this deadweight in your life.

I suspect your lack of reaction to him stonewalling you shows him he can't control your emotions so he is either ramping up the stakes or decided that he needs to get the negative energy from elsewhere.

There is nothing you can or should do if there is OW but just have some awareness as I found the deceit difficult to process.

The way he is handling this shows he isn't "normal". In healthier breakups there is some level of empathy for each other, and recognition there is hurt on both sides. This isn't happening for you but isn't your fault.

I found the coldness and contempt so hard to deal with as we had been together a long time, raised children etc.

He may decide to file so that he is the victim or think that a 2 year divorce would be ok. If you file be prepared for his anger however. You will need a solicitor who understands abusive men. This is tricky but worth spending the time. On the legal board some maybe able to give advice.

@KatieRobin,

Yes, I am still with DH, but I don't think I would be for one more day if it wasn't for the youngest(ours together). I scoured the boards here on abusive behaviour for years, and read the book which people always recommend, Why does he do it? by Lundy Bancroft and it didn't speak to me at all. Abusers always get horrible when the "victim" tries to escape, and my DH always felt bad about losing his temper etc with me (though always blaming me for making him like that and never apologising until approximately a year ago when we tried to start working on things more mindfully), but he was obviously miserable too and would have let me go ages ago if we didn't have kids together....

With the kids ...this morning the first thing the youngest shouted out was I love you, Daddy!
If we split up we'd do 50/50 and I can't bear to only see my relatively young children only half of the time, and shoving them from pillar to post and having to move into some poky flats for them to spend childhood in because that's all we'd be able to afford if we divide the house...at least at this stage they are Mum and Dad as a unit which they love, with Dad being second best ;)) but still they are attached to him and they don't normally witness very big arguments.
They get a little agitated sometimes, but for them I guess it's just normal, it's not like I'm traumatising them by them having to witness their mother being abused, esp since I don't feel abused really, he doesn't have the power any more to make me feel that way, I just think of him as something whose brain is not right. I just wish for some normal companionship, not daisies and rainbows. While the kids are growing up if things don't improve or get worse and the children start wishing for me to separate from him, I'd start the process immediately...

My DH's big problem with me (but also with quite a few other people in his life) is that he's always on the lookout for signs of disrespect, and sees them where normal people wouldn't ever see them and then makes a mountain out of a molehill (in my opinion, in his head it's all reasonable). And in a way it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's difficult to respect a man who lives his life in fear of imaginary put-downs. He doesn't have many friends at all, esp now(actually just two, both from his teenage years), and he dislikes all women :(, though people who don't know him very well and his family think he's nice, though his family are well aware of his short fuse.

Like you, I am satisfied by so little now, as soon as things thaw a bit I am content, and if things get better for a few days I am terrified that I even entertained any ideas of divorce, but there's invariably an angry outburst (which I cause unwillingly!) even if it's later rather than sooner. It always takes me by surprise, like what was wrong with what I said/did...:( It's very difficult to change the situation and not step on the same rake again and again, because, like you, I only say things which I'd say to anyone.

@KatieRobin

Was replying in order and didn't see your latest message! Was planning to ask if you'd be very upset if he met someone else? You might look back and think of it as a merciful release, and be grateful to whoever he met, but then maybe feel sorry for her too?

I do wonder a lot if anyone could be happy with my DH, I used to think he couldn't live with anyone(I was his first long term relationship), but now I think maybe if he found someone who was very into martial arts, DIY and kind of living off the land with chickens and pigs enthusiast, she might be okay with him. We have such opposite interests in just about everything, it makes life extra tough on top of his temper and negativity...

I broke up with my first DH because he had an affair (even though he broke it off immediately )I was still only mid 20s and everything was very black and white, I couldn't contemplate ever repairing it. We actually had a good marriage in many respects, quite blissful in the first few years, but when he was having an affair he turned uncharacteristically more and more unpleasant towards me. I think most men are - you'd expect they would feel guilty and be extra nice, but I think they get irritated because if they can't leave for some reason they are constantly unfavourably comparing wife and mistress in their head and despising the wife and feeling sorry for themselves.

Do you think things have got worse in the last year or so, why do you think it lasted 15 years and only now you started a thread, did you sense like the dam was about to burst maybe?

Don't worry about people having enough on their plates, I'm sure your family and friends would be happy to feel useful and provide support, and you'd probably find very helpful to let it out in the open that your DH could treat you the way he does.
And don't worry about wasting your years, arguing with the past is futile and would only drive you mad. You never know why your life path is given to you, though sometimes decades on you could look back and work it out and understand. Loads of people nowadays only start trying for their first child in their late 30s, imagine if it dragged on for another 10 miserable years and then you'd split up anyway? Would it be any better?