Is it all me?

[KatieRobin]

I know there are far more important things going on in the world, so apologies as this may seem trivial. This is also my first post. After some advice. Have been with my husband for so long now I just don’t know what’s normal. DH is always grumpy. Never wants to talk. Never ever wants to have a back and forth conversation. Just a fun conversation.
Went out to walk our 2 dogs. Were out for 30 minutes and managed to somehow annoy him. Everything I say is wrong. Started saying just casually I wondered what work was going to be like next week. We are both key workers. Got the response of ‘ I don’t know’ I should have just stopped trying to make conversation, guess I was just desperate for some kind of chit chat. Then started saying about what unprecedented times we are living in. He said no it isn’t what about swine flu and aids. I said yes but they didn’t cause a lockdown. He starts getting angry. I don’t know why, maybe because I disagreed. I like normal conversations- like conversations I have with other people where you can have back and forths- you don’t always have to agree in the conversation and that’s fine. If I don’t agree he says I’m questioning him and starts saying that he’s not stupid and that he does know stuff. I just shut up. We walk in silence. When he put the poo bags in the poo bin I thought he’d touched it with his hand and said to be careful about touching it ( due to Covid -19 etc ) he started seething through his teeth saying he’d touched it with his elbow and that he’s not completely stupid, that he does know stuff and that I was really f@#ing pushing him. Then he started raising his voice saying which way are we going now. I just felt so sad that I can’t say a thing, not a thing that creates a normal conversation and the fact that he started saying I was pushing him ( he says this a lot ) I could feel tears in my eyes. I asked how I’m pushing him. He said ‘it’s you, it’s f@%ing you always questioning me’ I said I didn’t think I did at all. I just wanted a nice walk. He just kept banging on that it’s all me and that I treat him like he’s stupid. He even said something like ‘ I don’t go into work dribbling you know. I do know things’ I just don’t understand what I do wrong all the time to deserve to be spoken to like this. I’m in tears as he makes me feel so unloved. Is it me? I just don’t know anymore.

You actually made me smile saying I sound positive and friendly. That’s what I feel at my core I am or try to be. Like going on a walk and having chit chat, is that really so bad? I do feel like he just hates the sound of my voice. I just want someone to laugh with and feel joy with.

I completely understand. I used to give ex-H so much love and affection. I used to hug him tight and kiss his face. I really thought he would give me the same love and affection back. Unfortunately he just wanted to take all my affection and give nothing in return.

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes. I just want happiness, hate confrontation, just want nice. I tend to let things go and think things will get better. I’ve let myself be a doormat.
How can I be so weak in this area of my life?! This is draining as to try and create boundaries with him seems pointless as he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if I’m upset. He doesn’t care to change.

I just know I’m going to be painted as the bad guy and that makes me want to scream as it’s not right

@SharonasCorona I could have written that myself. I’m always trying to hold his hand or hug him. Constantly rejected!

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes she was cold, distant unpredictable and unloving. I didn’t have a bad childhood though. Lots of people have had far worse

So what if he paints you as the bad guy? Nobody else gives a rats arse about why other people broke up. There's a flurry of gossip for a very short time but nobody actually cares. Everybody knows nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Now maybe if all your friends know you are twat all the time Katie then this will be the final straw and they will cut off your toxic arse from their friendship. I seriously doubt that is the case.

Yes you've spent 15 years flogging a dead horse. How many more will you waste?

If you want happiness, no confrontation, niceness then you need a different man in your life. Or no man and some nice friends.

This bloke does not like you. I cannot work out why you think you like him. He sounds a right cock.

In answer to your question, yes there is light at the end of the tunnel but not if you stay with him I’m afraid.
I could have written most of your posts, and I found out the reason for my ex behaving that way was simply he didn’t want to be with me anymore.
There was months and months of him being..just nasty. Rude to me for no reason, snappy, pulled faces every time I spoke like I was stupid, didn’t want to talk to me etc etc. When I cried he said I was trying to make him look like a bad person, and I genuinely in the end went a little bit mad thinking I was making it all up? He was lovely in front of everyone else. My mum however saw right through him and told me to leave.

I snapped one day when he was nasty to me, again for no reason and plainly said “why are you so horrible to me?” No crying, no shouting I just came out with it. He stared straight at me and said “because I don’t like you.” I packed my bags and left. Saw him later to collect some things and he apologised and said he just didn’t love me anymore. Why he couldn’t just say that instead of treating me like dirt for months I don’t know.

Also don’t waste more years because you think you’ve wasted 15 years, if that makes sense. I’ve been there, you almost want the years to count for something and to prove they weren’t a waste. They weren’t, you’ve learnt from them and now move on to a lovely nice man, or a carefree single life. It’s out there as cheesy as that sounds

I know you are right @TorkTorkBam. Guess I just want someone to acknowledge the years I’ve put in and how much I’ve tried .... stupid and meaningless I know. Instead he will twist things and it is just frustrating. Not important in the grand scheme really. If / when I tell my friends everything I know they’ll be there for me - no one could make this shit up! I’ve bottled it up for so long. Probably poisoned myself

I had an ex like this. Any time I asked any kind of question like 'I wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow?' he'd take it as I was actually trying to trick him into saying 'it will be XXXX' so I could point it out gleefully if he was wrong..

I think it was down to the way he was brought up. His father oppressed his mother, who wasn't ever allowed an opinion. I think he may have scarred his children from an early age. What's your DH's upbringing like?

He won't get any better, by the way. You need to leave him to his misery.

@Zaph that resonates with me - I never say “I wonder” anymore at the start of anything as it aggravates him! I check myself all the time to try to not annoy him.

Sometimes he great and he can’t have always been as he’s been these past few years. I’m starting to think it’s because I see him .... like really see him and he hates that and so he hates me

You make it sound like you think you did a good thing sticking around to be abused. You'll find it liberating when you get your head round that you didn't do a good thing by pandering to a dickhead. Nobody is going to acknowledge your years of being abused as being amazing. The story of you ending the relationship, the story of your new life thereafter, those are the good stories you can be proud of. You've got to get on with doing it so you can have those stories of strength in your past to reflect upon.

@Chinks123 I wish I had your strength. I’m under no illusions that dh likes me. He clearly doesn’t. He said I annoy him and that he resents me. Resents me for what I think?
I hate thinking that I’ve got to turn my life upside down to start again.

How do people just leave though? Sell the house? Separate your lives?

You annoy the hell out of him. Fuck knows why. It's unlikely to be you, more likely to be him. Why do you even want to be with someone who is a wanker to you? Is it that you want his body with someone else's personality in it so you keep pretending that could happen?

He sounds awful op. You sound lovely and interesting and I bet most people love chatting with you. Leave him and be around people who appreciate the lovely person that you are.

Yep, you divorce, sell up, divide the assets, start new lives. Wouldn't that be better than spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't like you?

First detach emotionally and see the situation for what it is not the weird fantasy you've built up. You'll rapidly start to hate him given what a twat he is.

Can you afford to move out and then get the house sold afterwards? It might be that if you say you want a divorce then he'll bite your hand off and sprint to the online solicitors with you.

It's how do you eat an elephant - a bite at a time.

Speak to a solicitor and see how you would go about things. Think about whether one of you could buy or would want to buy the other out etc. Look at your finances, assets, debts etc. I take it there are no children so should be a lot easier

I wouldn't move out - if he decided to be awkward about selling up, he could really drag things out.

Could one of you buy the other out?

@Musti thank you so much. I love being around my friends chatting having fun. I even love being at work and feeling like I’m
Being me. I just wish he’d appreciate me or that I could have lighthearted fun with him like I do with others. Not going to happen though. I’ve tried to help him - thought maybe there was underlying issues. He doesn’t want to help himself though and it’s slowly breaking me

I don’t know why @TorkTorkBam I know it’s not sensible or rational. I don’t want his body with someone else’s personality. I just want him on a good day but more than once in a while. I get nobody is perfect, but he’s now 90% mean for no good reason.

No, it isn't going to happen so not worth wasting any more time or emotion trying to. It obviously isn't you, it's either him or his lack of feelings for you.

@KatieRobin it took me a long time to get any strength trust me. I was a teenager when we met, we were together many years and I knew no other adult life than being with him. He was smart, funny, attractive, my best friend everything. Then one day he just started being horrible. It took me a long long time to go, but it was when he looked me square on and said he didn’t like me. I knew he was telling the truth.
It was my mum who basically told me to go and I’ll always be grateful. Just sit down and think..why on Earth am I with someone that has admitted they don’t even like let alone love me?

I tried everything. Dressed sexier. Changed my hair. Changed how I spoke everything made him more and more annoyed with me.

Obviously as with most of these things; there was another woman. He was annoyed basically that I wasn’t her and didn’t know how to leave because he was potless. I saw messages between them in the end and they’d been talking about how much he didn’t want me anymore..life’s shit and unfair but my dp now is (mostly) amazing, and I’ve learnt I’m funny, interesting, and good to chat to.