Is it all me?

[KatieRobin]

I know there are far more important things going on in the world, so apologies as this may seem trivial. This is also my first post. After some advice. Have been with my husband for so long now I just don’t know what’s normal. DH is always grumpy. Never wants to talk. Never ever wants to have a back and forth conversation. Just a fun conversation.
Went out to walk our 2 dogs. Were out for 30 minutes and managed to somehow annoy him. Everything I say is wrong. Started saying just casually I wondered what work was going to be like next week. We are both key workers. Got the response of ‘ I don’t know’ I should have just stopped trying to make conversation, guess I was just desperate for some kind of chit chat. Then started saying about what unprecedented times we are living in. He said no it isn’t what about swine flu and aids. I said yes but they didn’t cause a lockdown. He starts getting angry. I don’t know why, maybe because I disagreed. I like normal conversations- like conversations I have with other people where you can have back and forths- you don’t always have to agree in the conversation and that’s fine. If I don’t agree he says I’m questioning him and starts saying that he’s not stupid and that he does know stuff. I just shut up. We walk in silence. When he put the poo bags in the poo bin I thought he’d touched it with his hand and said to be careful about touching it ( due to Covid -19 etc ) he started seething through his teeth saying he’d touched it with his elbow and that he’s not completely stupid, that he does know stuff and that I was really f@#ing pushing him. Then he started raising his voice saying which way are we going now. I just felt so sad that I can’t say a thing, not a thing that creates a normal conversation and the fact that he started saying I was pushing him ( he says this a lot ) I could feel tears in my eyes. I asked how I’m pushing him. He said ‘it’s you, it’s f@%ing you always questioning me’ I said I didn’t think I did at all. I just wanted a nice walk. He just kept banging on that it’s all me and that I treat him like he’s stupid. He even said something like ‘ I don’t go into work dribbling you know. I do know things’ I just don’t understand what I do wrong all the time to deserve to be spoken to like this. I’m in tears as he makes me feel so unloved. Is it me? I just don’t know anymore.

Image is all important to such men so this is also why he appears to be quite plausible to those in the outside world. However, I would think that one or two people have their own private based suspicions about him. Abusers are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is really a continuous one.

This is not fixable and besides which there is nothing for you to fix here. Why do you feel any need at all to fix this when HE is the root cause of your unhappiness?. What is he doing to fix things; nothing because he has you where he wants you in the hole he has dug for you. Stop growing flowers in it. Divorce after all is not failure.

Op, you have been hit with lots of information, some of it will resonate but it's very common to want to have hope. I was the same, we were married 15 years so had lots of investment and we COULD have made a great team. We shared interests and our children were thriving..it felt such a waste to divorce but ultimately I had to as I knew my health was suffering. You are probadly running on adrenalin overload which you won't know about until you are not together.

I recommend starting a journal and when you look back you will see a sustained pattern and it is likely to be on a downward path, with less time between the negative cycles. Towards the end when he gave me flowers I couldn't genuinely smile because I knew in a short space of time I would be devalued again.

I changed as a person as every event was marred by his anger (although he denied being angry) and he thrived on the conflict whereas I developed a low mood.

I didn't know anything about abuse until I went through the divorce as I never sure myself as an abused woman. That is the insidious nature of these manipulative types, you end up doubting yourself.

Could there be anyone else that he wants to be with and for some reason cannot ?

It sounds like he resents your presence in his life. You are an irritation and a reminder that he cannot be with the person he really loves/wants. This happened to me. He eventually admitted that he was still in love with his ex girlfriend and had been for years but she was with her new partner. He was hyper critical of everything I said and did. Downright nasty most of the time with occasional spells of niceness.
Just something to consider.

Please emotionally detach from him and start focusing on yourself

This may be his version of normal. But it isn’t normal in marriage and is definitely not healthy. My DH and I have times when we piss each other off mightily and quite dislike each other. But they are occasional, always pass and are forgotten by next day.

As to the 15 years you have already spent with this man: they are not a reason to waste a further day on him. Google ‘sunk costs fallacy’ and you’ll get the point.

As others have said, he won’t change and there’ll only be light at the end of the tunnel if you leave him behind in the tunnel.

Good luck.

OP I think all the messages on here from people who have left shitty relationships are quite inspiring - they all say they feel much better now. That could be you. I know it's a cliche but you have just one life and it is short. What is the point of wasting it, feeling miserable with this person who doesn't like you anymore and you don't like him either? It would seem that you need to start thinking about a new plan; i.e.,leaving or asking him to leave.

Apologies if you’ve answered this OP- do you have any children?

It is totally not you. But if we didn’t have the kids to look after as a distraction then we’d (me and my husband) would probably have moments of being like this with each other. It’s lack of escape and taking it out on those closest to you.

It’s totally not ok, and he needs to apologize for being such a moody grumpy shit. If he doesn’t then it’s telling you he doesn’t care. The only thing that would annoy me about you here is bringing up work when I was probably trying to forget about it for a bit by going for a nice walk. But that’s be my issue and not yours.

How he reacts now tells you everything. It’s not you, I hope you are ok and if this is constant get rid of him :( it’s a joyless way to live.

Feeling quite alone and upset in all honesty.

Gutted that I’ve got it so wrong for 15 years. Gutted that after 15 years of devoting myself to a man he really couldn’t care less about me. It is really all about him. @bigyop982 you asked about if there could be someone else he wants to be with. There could be, I wouldn’t put it past him. He would probably love the adoration.
@AttilaTheMeerkat I don’t know why I feel the need to fix it. Just feel it’s such a waste. How could I have been so foolish. So much crap over the years. Stuff I’m too embarrassed to even write. I thought I loved him despite what a bastard he is to me. He’s not a bad guy. He’s a nice friendly helpful guy to everyone else. My mum was always cold and emotionally distant. I’ve only gone and married her!

OP some people are just born miserable, they can fake being happy for everyone else but they acquire a spouse to show their true selves to. He won’t change because letting his venom out on you suits him. He won’t end the marriage for the same reason. He only wants your loyalty and good nature so he can shit on them.

I had one like that, I got rid of him in my own time and I’m so, so happy to be free!

So, you have to do it. It’s ok to leave a marriage for whatever reason is appropriate for you. I never really explained to anyone else at the time, I just got on with it.

Withdraw from him. Make a plan. Be free.

Thanks @tigerDater
I’ve not heard from him all day. My head feels strange like I’m realising what he is. I just don’t know what my plan would be. I really don’t want to have to start over feel like such a failure

You probably wanted to fix your mother but that was an impossibility also. Children love their parents too even if they are abusive towards them. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and you absorbed a lot of damaging lessons here, it’s of no real surprise that your mother is like him. Those lessons learnt will also have to be unlearnt too so the resources you have been already told of by others will help you.

Do not waste any more of your precious time and years on this unavailable man because you will kick yourself for doing so if you do. Be free.

You have a choice here re him and you can still choose to make a better choice for you. Do read about the sunken costs fallacy in relationships, this basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Have I chosen this? Brought this on myself? Do I have a sign on my head saying mistreat me?
I don’t get mistreated by friends or professionally, so why with my marriage?
How do I unlearn this? How do I create healthy boundaries without being told I’m crazy / sensitive / unloveable?
Feeling lost. Am I broken so attracted this broken person to me?
I don’t think I come across as broken in RL. I don’t know now. Second guessing everything

I have come to realise that in around 80% of guys - 80% of them are fine so long as life is going ok but there is a 20% twat lingering in there. Everyone else gets the80% , you get the 20% because no one else would put up with it and they think you aren’t going anywhere- and he needs someone to vent his frustrations and nasty 20% on.

I think you've hit the nail on the head OP. You really resonated with me when you said you've married your mother.!

I grew up in a household with a narc mother, father who appeased her and a brother who was the golden child.

She was only happy when I was not and spent her entire existence trying to make sure I was miserable, never bettered myself, just like her.

I left at 16 and didn't look back. However what I realised shortly after my first wedding was that I'd married someone who treated me exactly the same. Whenever I said anything, his immediate response was always, 'not really..' but when pressed why he thought that, never had a resin, he just enjoyed putting me down.

When I finally plucked the courage to kick him out my life transformed overnight, and it's been amazing ever since I took back control and decided to only have people in my life who made it better.

Dont think 'how will I ever start again with someone new' think, 'how much better will my life be when I don't have someone constantly pulling me down'

Build up that courage, get your ducks in a row, and make plans to move on from him, I can promise you, your life will improve 100% overnight. Being single is better than being abused. Make no mistake you're in an abusive relationship right now.

@tarasmalatarocks yeah i definitely get that 20%

He said no it isn’t what about swine flu and aids. I said yes but they didn’t cause a lockdown. He starts getting angry. I don’t know why, maybe because I disagreed.

Sounds like if you said the sky was blue, he would say no. He feels superior to you and can't bear you standing up for yourself in the tiniest ways. And yes, he did trick you. It's very common and easy to present yourself in a sympathetic way until you're sure your partner won't live.

Use this isolation period to decide if you can bear to live another 15 years with him.

At the very least, you sound very unsuited. You sound positive and friendly, you need someone to give you similar feedback.

*leave not live

Do not ever forget that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none,

You learnt a lot of damaging stuff about relationships when you were growing up and it’s not your fault you went onto pick a man just like your mother. It was a continuation of what you already knew from home. Boundaries for you are difficult perhaps also because you were never encouraged as a child to have any and over time also learnt to put them first with you dead last.

@Treacletoots am I in an abusive relationship? I don’t think of myself like that. I feel like people in rl would say I was being dramatic if I said that. I think I’ve always felt I have to play things down and not make a big thing of things - throughout my entire life.
How do I now suddenly create healthy boundaries? How did you find the strength?
I feel like I can’t trust my instincts as I’ve got this so wrong!

This mans cycle of abuse towards you is also a continuous one.

Thank you @SharonasCorona .... you actually made me smile saying I sound positive and friendly. That’s what I feel at my core I am or try to be. Like going on a walk and having chit chat, is that really so bad? I do feel like he just hates the sound of my voice. I just want someone to laugh with and feel joy with. I feel like he hates it when I’m happy. Sometimes I try to ignore his snappy replies and I try to keep smiling.

I wish I had someone to reciprocate all I give

Abuse is not just physical in nature however, and I would cite your mother as being abusive towards you as well. Instead of seeking the necessary help she decided to take out all her pain and misery out on you instead. You probably grew up thinking that her behaviours were normal and all mothers behaved like that.

You have boundaries in your professional life and with help you will come to realise that you are worth more than the nothing he gives you.