Is it all me?

[KatieRobin]

I know there are far more important things going on in the world, so apologies as this may seem trivial. This is also my first post. After some advice. Have been with my husband for so long now I just don’t know what’s normal. DH is always grumpy. Never wants to talk. Never ever wants to have a back and forth conversation. Just a fun conversation.
Went out to walk our 2 dogs. Were out for 30 minutes and managed to somehow annoy him. Everything I say is wrong. Started saying just casually I wondered what work was going to be like next week. We are both key workers. Got the response of ‘ I don’t know’ I should have just stopped trying to make conversation, guess I was just desperate for some kind of chit chat. Then started saying about what unprecedented times we are living in. He said no it isn’t what about swine flu and aids. I said yes but they didn’t cause a lockdown. He starts getting angry. I don’t know why, maybe because I disagreed. I like normal conversations- like conversations I have with other people where you can have back and forths- you don’t always have to agree in the conversation and that’s fine. If I don’t agree he says I’m questioning him and starts saying that he’s not stupid and that he does know stuff. I just shut up. We walk in silence. When he put the poo bags in the poo bin I thought he’d touched it with his hand and said to be careful about touching it ( due to Covid -19 etc ) he started seething through his teeth saying he’d touched it with his elbow and that he’s not completely stupid, that he does know stuff and that I was really f@#ing pushing him. Then he started raising his voice saying which way are we going now. I just felt so sad that I can’t say a thing, not a thing that creates a normal conversation and the fact that he started saying I was pushing him ( he says this a lot ) I could feel tears in my eyes. I asked how I’m pushing him. He said ‘it’s you, it’s f@%ing you always questioning me’ I said I didn’t think I did at all. I just wanted a nice walk. He just kept banging on that it’s all me and that I treat him like he’s stupid. He even said something like ‘ I don’t go into work dribbling you know. I do know things’ I just don’t understand what I do wrong all the time to deserve to be spoken to like this. I’m in tears as he makes me feel so unloved. Is it me? I just don’t know anymore.

Sorry OP, but I think your husband no longer loves you and wants to split up but doesn’t have the balls to do it.

Perhaps you keep the house nice and he doesn’t want to lose that.

Perhaps your money enables him to have a better lifestyle when you are together.

Perhaps he is using you as a whipping boy and doesn’t want that to end, as who will he take his temper out on now if he is alone.

Whatever the reason just stay out of his anger as much as you can and start planning to leave when you can. The lockdown can’t last forever. So you have friends or family you could go to or would he be the one more likely to want to leave? Think about whose name the rent or mortgage is is too.

@KatieRobin

The next time he says "its obvious we don't get on' - stand firm and ask WHY he has come to that conclusion. Do the afraid of an argument, don't let him shut you down...DON'T LET HIM.

Make him explain. Ask outright if he wants a divorce because his behaviour will destroy every bit of you if you don't take control.

The fear, I understand, but honestly ask yourself could it be worse than living with and trying to appease a horrible bully who cares not one bit about how you feel. X

I agree with @Candace19 I've been in this situation too. You can't do right for doing wrong.
It's not you.
You said you are both key workers. Are you NHS? If so, speak to your line manager, they may be able to help alongside your occupational health and wellbeing team. I know it's a headf*ck and heartbreaking but for your own sanity you need to leave because this won't get any better.

Other people may well think he is great but they aren't living with him. You are and he is making you unhappy.

Start planning to leave life’s too short to live this way.

I guess I’m just so sad that after 15 years of trying and trying ( and knowing I’m doing so alone ) that it has failed

@Elieza wow what you said is what I’ve probably always known. Thank you x

@Techway I do feel devalued. I didn’t realise it was an actual thing. Just thought I was annoying him. He literally just said to me 10 minutes ago that I do annoy him, like him admitting that was doing me a service. I don’t get how I annoy him. I keep out of his way and am always so bloody nice to him. I don’t mean to make him sound monstrous, because he’s not. He’s a regular guy, who is sometimes great and I know he has a stressful job. I sound like I’m making excuses for him

I was with my ex for 16 years. I put up with his awful behaviour all that time. God knows why. I thought I loved him, thought he would change blah blah blah. He went through a rough time in his life and although I felt for him, he became even more unbearable to live with. I basically just had enough - not one particular incident. I ended up telling him it was over, he moved out and I put the house on the market. Not going to say it was easy but I have come out the other end much happier. You can too.

I agree with @Elieza too. Men rarely make the move to split. Statistically they are more likely to just go through the motions and carry on. Its likely that he is unhappy (he clearly is) but doesn't have the guts to end it. Also lots of men (and some women) just can't bear to be alone.

Sorry you had to go through that @anotherdisaster. I’ve never posted before or spoken about this - maybe because then I’d have to face it. Also, I would hate for people to think I’m wallowing or something as I know there’s so much worse going on and that some people have a much worse time in their relationships. I usually just put up and shut up, but today I cried the whole walk home and it really got to me.

Once you say it out loud it makes it real then you feel you have to deal with it. I've been there. I think you need to realise your worth op. Do you really think you deserve this treatment? Not sure if you have children but how would you feel if a daughter was being treated like this? Of if a close friend said this was happening to her. His treatment of you has been down your own self worth. Time for change.

*beaten down

That’s it. I could give advice to others, but why not take it myself? I think others in RL would be shocked if they saw how he spoke to me - or how I let him speak to me?!? That’s just it, I don’t know if I’m letting him as if I challenge him it turns into an argument with him making out that I’m crazy and saying ‘this is what you do’ rolling his eyes. It infuriates me as I’d never let myself be so belittled at work / professionally... but then at home I’m a pathetic individual I don’t recognise

You're not pathetic!! He is using a form of manipulation. My ex was the same. He always managed to turn things round on me and make it my fault and I would start to doubt myself, thinking "is it me?". Men like that can't have a constructive argument because deep down they know they are wrong. He knows what he is doing to you.
Please try to stop second guessing yourself and accept that he is treating you terribly and your marriage is over.

Thank you @mamato3lads. Clearly he thinks I’m not worth explaining things to, which says a lot. I feel like I don’t know how to communicate with him so that it doesn’t get all agitated. If I try to have a rational talk about anything it gets his back up and will eventually circle back round to it being me and how he’s ‘not like this with anyone else’ so says it me over and over. I just want him to talk normally to me. I don’t understand why he doesn’t see anything wrong with how he talks to me. Have I let him get away with it for so long that In a way it is my fault?

OP, I know it's scary and you've spent a long time with him, but divorce is great. Really. Big fan, personally.

Life is better without someone shooting you down all the time. Try picturing living on your own - never having to justify yourself, never under the black cloud of someone else's mood, decorating how you like, watching what you like on tv etc.

What sort of person talks to another person like that anyway? So 'letting him get away with it' is nothing to do with it. He chose to start doing it in the first place, and continues to do so. He is not a nice person.

It's not you. It's him

You've known this for a good while but you don't want to face the fact that you should get rid of the twat

My STBXH did this for years. Really touchy if he felt criticised and would then have an excuse to be nasty.

His opinion was the only one that mattered & he used to say "I'm changing the subject" or "This topic is finished" if I tried to have my say.

I used to have to carefully think about any answers I gave him - he started asking why I did this & near the end I'd actually tell him it was because I was trying to avoid irritating him as I couldn't handle the fallout.

It’s a horrible feeling when you know someone doesn’t want to engage in conversation with you and just wants you to shut up. He will often respond with the same annoyed tone you’d expect from someone who had repeated their answer ten times. I think it’s harder because I want love and niceness. That sounds silly. I keep trying because I want him to like me because I can’t understand why he doesn’t as I don’t feel I’ve done anything really wrong. Like a loyal dog I guess!!! So I keep trying and keep getting rebuffed. What is wrong with me?! It sounds insane as I write it!

Hope is fucking cruel sometimes.

The next time he says something like that tell him if he doesnt like it to leave, I went through something similar and it took me actually leaving to give him the kick up the arse he needed, when he realised what he was losing so bloody tell him to go if he ain't happy

Thank you @EllenOlenska. That’s exactly it - can’t do right for doing wrong. He can be a great guy to everyone else - I want that guy! I can’t wrack my head around why I don’t get that version?!?
Thank you for you advice x

What is "wrong" with you is that you have become conditioned and you think you still love him.

Get out - it's scary but doable