Is it all me?

[KatieRobin]

I know there are far more important things going on in the world, so apologies as this may seem trivial. This is also my first post. After some advice. Have been with my husband for so long now I just don’t know what’s normal. DH is always grumpy. Never wants to talk. Never ever wants to have a back and forth conversation. Just a fun conversation.
Went out to walk our 2 dogs. Were out for 30 minutes and managed to somehow annoy him. Everything I say is wrong. Started saying just casually I wondered what work was going to be like next week. We are both key workers. Got the response of ‘ I don’t know’ I should have just stopped trying to make conversation, guess I was just desperate for some kind of chit chat. Then started saying about what unprecedented times we are living in. He said no it isn’t what about swine flu and aids. I said yes but they didn’t cause a lockdown. He starts getting angry. I don’t know why, maybe because I disagreed. I like normal conversations- like conversations I have with other people where you can have back and forths- you don’t always have to agree in the conversation and that’s fine. If I don’t agree he says I’m questioning him and starts saying that he’s not stupid and that he does know stuff. I just shut up. We walk in silence. When he put the poo bags in the poo bin I thought he’d touched it with his hand and said to be careful about touching it ( due to Covid -19 etc ) he started seething through his teeth saying he’d touched it with his elbow and that he’s not completely stupid, that he does know stuff and that I was really f@#ing pushing him. Then he started raising his voice saying which way are we going now. I just felt so sad that I can’t say a thing, not a thing that creates a normal conversation and the fact that he started saying I was pushing him ( he says this a lot ) I could feel tears in my eyes. I asked how I’m pushing him. He said ‘it’s you, it’s f@%ing you always questioning me’ I said I didn’t think I did at all. I just wanted a nice walk. He just kept banging on that it’s all me and that I treat him like he’s stupid. He even said something like ‘ I don’t go into work dribbling you know. I do know things’ I just don’t understand what I do wrong all the time to deserve to be spoken to like this. I’m in tears as he makes me feel so unloved. Is it me? I just don’t know anymore.

@KatieRobin can I ask, in terms of job roles, intelligence etc. are you in a higher role/viewed as more intelligent/better educated? Sounds like my Ex who hated the fact I was seen as being of higher intellect than him. Spent all his time telling me I was stupid.

Regardless, he is an abusive arsehole, this is not a normal marriage and you will take the biggest breath when you’re rid of him.

If you told his best friend, or someone who knows him really well how he actually treats you, would they believe you?

@magicfarawaytrees I wish he would apologise. No heard from him all day. Sometimes he does apologise, but I have drag it out of him so meaningless really.
I get that people have bad days. He just seems unnecessary. There’s no need for him to bite my head off all the time. I feel uncomfortable with him keep saying I’m ‘pushing’ him. Pushing him how and to what?!

No children sadly. Two dogs. Did have three, but our old boy passed at the beginning of last year. Dh was devastated. We both were.

I lost my baby last summer

This is such a SAD post. You sound like such a lovely warm person, NORMAL and nice. I picture you as a lovely spaniel bouncing up only to be kicked away. I bet he speaks more kindly to your dog than to you. You wouldn’t stay with a man who treated a dog or child like this and you don’t deserve this either. He won’t change if he’s treated you like this for all these years - and you wouldn’t want such a cruel unkind TWISTED person in your life anyway. Set yourself free, please don’t wait. You’ve already waited much too long.

I’ve tried to help him - thought maybe there was underlying issues. He doesn’t want to help himself though and it’s slowly breaking me

This is odd thinking.

For some reason he openly hates you but has not divorced you.

For some reason he openly hates you but you have not divorced him.

You need the help with underlying issues every bit as much as him.

Stop thinking of it as him being a nice bloke who will be lovely to you if only you can find magic words to convince him to not be a dick 90% of the time.

Start thinking of it as you two being massively incompatible people who for some bizarre reason won't bloody well divorce each other like normal people. You both need therapy. Don't worry about his therapy, get your own and get out of this poisonous marriage.

@goody2shooz that made me cry. I’m so used to being told by him that I’m hardwork / annoying

@SoleBizzz no I don’t think his friends would believe me. I don’t think they have any idea. He’s a great guy to everyone else

@TorkTorkBam you are right. It’s always a lot messier when you are in it though, especially when you’ve had your self esteem eaten away at. I thought maybe he needed help because what if he was stressed or depressed. I didn’t want to not try to help. I’ve tried. It hasn’t worked. Game over

I noticed in an earlier post, someone asked if you've checked his phone, have you? Could the reason be that he's already found someone else and is wanting you to end this by getting fed up of the way you're being treated?
Could there be another woman in his life already OP?

@goody2shooz yes the dogs are treated like royalty. Which I don’t mind, but he will do things to spite me like when he comes in and they’re excited to see him he’ll say how happy he is to see THEM as though to mark that he’s not happy to see me.

There could be @Takeitonthechin I haven’t seen his phone in well over a year. I wouldn’t put it past him.

@Chinks123 I’m so glad you had a happy ending. That must have taken a lot of strength.

OP, this abusive man has systematically gaslighted you for years, twisting everything round to be your fault, when it is actually all his.
And you have internalised it - you say that you have wasted 15 years, that you have "failed".
No you haven't failed at anything! You have been a loving, cheery, normal wife , and he has been a totally unappreciative shit who gets off on destroying your self worth.
You are a different person at work, away from him, aren't you? Happy, relaxed, confident, chatty with colleagues and friends. That's who you are. Not the poor sad woman who walks on eggshells and desperately tries not to offend a total shit!
Please see a counsellor and a solicitor, with a view to getting this vile man out of your life so you can breathe again. And laugh, and live, and have fun. Because you are worth it. God bless.

Before you see a solicitor, Its definitely worth checking if he has someone else on the go, not sure if you can check his phone, tablet, pc/laptop etc.

I was in the supermarket a couple of months ago ( when things were normal) and could hear an older sounding couple nearby. The lady was making normal conversation “ shall we get some....” and the man was answering with such venom that it really stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t even see them but I could hear them. It was really sad... the lady was really sounding like she was placating him but the man sounded like he hated her. I don’t know if she had suffered a life time of abuse from him or maybe he was suffering from dementia but I really hope you think about what you want your future to look like OP.

You have good insight, I think you are correct, he knows you "see him" for who he is.

I am so sorry for your loss.

It always feels impossible to separate but it is a series of steps, mostly financial. It is very sad so consider lining up therapy for yourself.

What you need to break the cycle OP is to just see a glimmer of hope or realisation that your life doesn't have to be this way.

Mine was an old friend kissing me, whilst there was nothing more to it, it made me feel alive, that I was young and strong and I could be better without the constant out downs.

Your FOG could be lifting by the help of the lovely Mumsnetters.

Yes. Your relationship is abusive. But you can extract yourself from it, and be happy again

Yes I am a different when I’m not around him @Babdoc. I enjoy having normal conversations where the other person talks back and doesn’t bite my head off. I feel like me. I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that he’s ‘abusive’ I’m finding it tough to reconcile my situation to that word. I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t think it’s that bad and I still think I’m overreacting or something.

@Divebar scary thought!

@Techway thank you. Yes I don’t think he likes that I see him. Nobody else sees him.
Everyone thinks he’s this great guy, but he’s emotionally vacant. When I needed him, needed support after losing the baby it was like we were on two different planets. I put it down to him being a man and not being in touch with that side of himself. A week after it happened he basically told me to snap out of it and that he didn’t want to be around my sadness and gloom.That cut deep.

@treacle this is my first post on mn and I’m completely blown away by how supportive everyone is! Sharing information and just being so helpful. It’s amazing. I’m so grateful.

KatieRobin It's always the same. My ex was the same. I felt so low and lonely. Does he tell you everything is your fault, your opinions mean nothing and gives you the silent treatment?

KatieRobin Watch this guy Kevin on YouTube

He helped me a lot

www.youtube.com/channel/UCjl9RgJSokTXPR68wsrX7Zw

It did but you have strength too @KatieRobin! You just won’t see it until you go through it. I’m sorry for your loss, and reading your further updates he just sounds worse and worse. He’s not there for you and he doesn’t care.
I’d put money on there being another woman, but to be honest, does it matter? It makes it easier to leave if you know there is, but either way- he’s mean, he doesn’t care, and you deserve better.

Just imagine what @Treacletoots has described! I had the same thing, it was like being a teenager again, so exciting! Honestly everyone on this thread is here for you, your new life will be amazing I promise and fun!! When was the last time you had fun together? That he smiled at you? Hugged you on the sofa? Not necessarily sex but loving?

@soleBizzz yes everything is my fault apparently. I keep ‘pushing’ him?!? Oh and my opinions are me ‘questioning him’ !!! He says I make out that he’s stupid. I have no idea how.

I’m a regular fully functioning human in all other aspects of my life, but incredibly upset by my marriage.

KatieRobin it isn't you it's him. You must go. Find out why you stayed and put with that treatment too. Take responsibility for. It do. It doesn't happen again.

@KatieRobin.... you have had loads of good advice. Heed it. I wish I'd had Mumsnet years ago as I felt so alone and inadequate during my long marriage to an emotionally unavailable man. Mine was nowhere near as shockingly horrible as yours, but even so I am so, so very glad that I finally summoned up the courage to leave. After 40+ years.

Read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, and The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.

Practicalities:
Gather financial documentation (bank & investment statements, mortgage, salary slips, pensions)
Read Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies or similar
See a competent family solicitor

You can do this - and you will thrive

He's rewritten your joint life in his mind and is acting on it . He doesn't want to be married anymore I fear .