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Original poster

Am I being impatient? Marriage and kids?

204 replies

1991Amber · 28/03/2020 15:23

Hi All,
I've got to the point where I don't know what to do...

I've been with my OH for 9 years this month, he knows that I want to get married and have kids and so does he. Yet here I am 9 years and counting with no ring on my finger.

The way his brain works is get ourselves set up before we take the next step in our venture. I.e house and decorated. But we have had a house for 4 years now and we are very close to finishing the decorating, we now trying to pay the mortgage off.

I have had the conversation with him about 6 months ago about how serious I am about marriage and kids to make sure he's on the same page. He says his is...so what are we waiting for?

Am I being impatient? What should I do?

Cheers!

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2020 17:50

Well, the new year will either bring a wedding or a new start.

Don't end up giving him more time if he doesn't come through.

Potterspotter · 09/04/2020 18:03

A proposal by Christmas? And then what, a wedding in 2 years, then he gets cold feet about babies when you’re 33ish?

He sounds v controlling about money, he’s probably got to save for a ring but this approach to life would kill me slowly. I’d rather have the ring later and just get married in a small low key way than wait more.

After 9 years he’s damaging the trust isn’t he?

It’s good that you said you wanted to be married by February.

OhioOhioOhio · 09/04/2020 18:53

Yeah but did you say which February? That'll be the next row. 9 years of waiting. I have the t shirt for being impatient. Impatient is their label for you, whilst they behave like selfish pigs. Omg. I feel the despair and rage.
Honestly I'd spend the next year selling the house and starting again. You could be quite recovered by then and ready for someone new. Or he will have realised that you actually mean it and he will have got on with getting married. No massive 3 year long wedding. And honestly you want to be pregnant by February.

OuterMongolia · 09/04/2020 19:00

Well done OP for having the conversation. I hope it all works out for you.

SunshineCake · 09/04/2020 19:11

My dh proposed after we had been together two years ten months and married nine months later when we were 27. He wanted to wait until he had something to offer me - I.e. become qualified and he didn't want a long engagement. Married now nearly 21 years.

BarbedBloom · 09/04/2020 19:28

This happened to my friend. He left her eventually and was married with a baby within 2 years. She is now too old for children. I think you already know there will always be a reason why it can't happen

Fleamaker123 · 09/04/2020 19:41

Well done talking to him and telling him how you feel. Sometimes it does take longer if you meet young. I can remember feeling like you. I met my husband when we were both 22, married seven years later at 29, first baby when I was 35! We could never be accused of rushing into things! But still together after 30 years... I feel it was done in the right order. Don't have children before marriage.

billy1966 · 09/04/2020 22:08

Next Christmas 🙄...you are worth ten of him.

Expect nothing OP....

He's a waster...wasting your time.

Men who genuinely want to commit...don't mess around like this.

Spend the next few months looking aroind yourself...you'll be glad you did..Flowers

KatherineJaneway · 09/04/2020 22:15

Ok so I spoke to him, he said he will propose before Christmas.

Not going to happen. There'll be another excuse by December 25th.

You're being played OP and you can't see it. Please wake up.

OhioOhioOhio · 09/04/2020 22:49

I agree.

nzeire · 09/04/2020 23:09

This post resonated with me. I waited, and waited, and waited. Five years (I thought that was bad enough) and yes, I got what I wanted. Marriage, children, a beautiful life really. But the beginning set the scene, set the tone. I feel like it was a control thing, keep me in my place? I feel like I wasn’t good enough for whatever reason and the prize was dangled over me. Somehow, it’s still there, a little bit of bitterness. It annoys me I let myself down by allowing it to happen, I doubt if given the chance I’d change it, I love my life. However, just the love story seems tainted somewhat.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/04/2020 23:19

9 years!

And even now he is stalling...he'll propose by Christmas..yeah right.

Seriously OP, cut loose

FlowerArranger · 09/04/2020 23:42

Why can't he propose now?
He either wants to marry you, or he doesn't.
What do you think, @1991Amber...?

Aloe6 · 09/04/2020 23:47

I’m really sorry but I think you should cut your losses now. If he wanted to get married he wouldn’t need to be coerced into it. Don’t waste your fertile years on him.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 09/04/2020 23:50

Look I did this for 8 years, we didn’t even manage to move in together, let alone marriage and kids. I wasted my 20’s, when I could have been out having loads of fun —sex— I was stuck with one bloke, while I watched all my mates settle down, get married start a family. By year 8 I’d got bored and checked out of the relationship completely, when I ended he was totally shocked. He later said he was expecting me to force him to commit with an ultimatum, romantic eh? I then proceeded to go out and make up for lost time, met DH a couple of years later and he was completely different.

Don’t fuck about with your life. By Xmas? That’s most of the year! You deserve better.

Gutterton · 10/04/2020 00:02

I sense a feeling of deflation OP......am I right?

What was the mood around it? Was he desperately excited and deeply moved? Did you have to plead your case.....?

That’s got to be the longest stretch possible - did you give him a deadline of the end of this year?

However a warning.

If he is dragging his heels you want kids you need to agree a date when you will TTC and then work back from that - when is that for you? Because when I finally got mine up the aisle after 10 years - he didn’t agree to DCs (I should have read the small print..) and I had to wait another 4 years till he felt ready.....cue infertility and 2 miss-carriages before I finally fell pregnant. Had a wonderful son - but DH was not a good husband or father as he was reluctant in everything. So I have this shadow hanging over my motherhood.

I wish I knew my worth, left him and found someone who cherished me. We met at 17 - had no other RS to compare it to - so didn’t know any different. I had a plan and he was a man child. V unsatisfactory and it always unravels.

Frankenheimer · 10/04/2020 00:09

There doesn't need to be a proposal. You've both already agreed that you want to get married. That's what a proposal is supposed to be about, and you've already both moved way past that point (not surprising after 9 years).

So WTAF is this "proposal" crap supposed to be about?

If you both want to get married then it's time to start booking a venue and sending Save The Date cards.

If either of you isn't on for that then it's really time to move on. Nine years is plenty of time to make up your mind. It really sounds like he is enjoying feeling like he has you "in his power." But a) you're not in his power because the proposal has effectively already happened, and b) someone who enjoys keeping you dangling is not a good person to marry anyway.

FabbyChix · 10/04/2020 02:20

Life is shorter than we think. And we spend too much of it living waiting and not being happy. You do t need marriage to have kids. For me it would depend how important children were and use that angle. Does he really want them? Tell him you need a timescale because you want kids and are getting older etc

Bluebooby · 10/04/2020 02:34

There doesn't need to be a proposal. You've both already agreed that you want to get married. That's what a proposal is supposed to be about, and you've already both moved way past that point (not surprising after 9 years).

Yeah, that's what I was going to say. You've had the conversation already so what's the point? It just sounds like a way for him to drag things out and keep it all on his terms.

I always think proposals come across like some kind of power move but I know a lot of people like them for some reason and get angry if the concept is criticised. However, seems to be even more of a power move under these kind of conditions.

AlexaCrowe · 10/04/2020 02:45

I don’t see the point of the whole proposal shenanigans. Why not just book the wedding venue for February now.

letterfromamerica · 10/04/2020 04:03

I am in my 50’s and I have seen this scenario with friends many times. I’ve had friends dumped after years for a woman the man marries within months. Your bf is playing for time and unfortunately the coronavirus is going to play into his hands. Prepare for all sorts of excuses about finances, venues being booked, everything being too uncertain...

Right now he has all the power. He knows you are not going anywhere so there is no reason for him to propose. He has all the benefits of marriage with none of the commitment. The Christmas timeline is frankly insulting. Why does he need more time FFS? You are the prize. He should be pushing you down the aisle. Know you own value and stand up for it.

You need to take that power back. I would end it. Tell him that the relationship isn’t working for you. Because it isn’t. You are not married and there is a real risk that you could be in the same situation in five years. You have given him nine years. Why would you give him a day longer?

Make two things clear:

  1. You will use the lockdown time to get the house ready for sale. If possible (I don’t know the situation in the U.K.) call three estate agents and get a valuation from each. Or do it yourself from online comparables;
  1. Create a dating profile and post it.

His words don’t mean anything. And he’s not paying attention to yours. You have to shift this whole thing to action. He needs to see by your actions that he is either going to marry you or lose you.

Either way, you will have your answer. Prepare for a lot of talk from him. It’s just talk. It’s noise. Blah blah blah. If it’s not an action, ignore it. Stay really strong ❤️

Rebelwithallthecause · 10/04/2020 04:17

My DH was with his ex for 10 years before he left her.
Met me and we were engaged within a year and had a baby on the way the follow year. We’ve been together 4 years now and in that time have married, bought a house, renovated a house and have a second baby on the way

I asked why he never proposed to his ex and he said he just never had that feeling to and thought it might come to him, but it didn’t. He apparently knew right away with me (he first proposed after a few weeks but I didn’t take him seriously)

We were similar ages to you and your DP when we got together and now 35/31

Scott72 · 10/04/2020 04:24

I have to wonder if OP feelings for her boyfriend are still strong enough to make a marriage work even if he married her soon? It could be the only thing keeping them together are force of habit and her desire for a wedding.

kikisparks · 10/04/2020 07:57

@1991Amber I was with my then boyfriend 8 years before engagement and 11 years before we married. We have a great marriage 3.5 years later and we’re very happy- the only thorn is infertility but I wouldn’t have started trying earlier than we did at age 29 anyway because of my career. We were very young when we got together and marriage just hadn’t occurred to DH, he also wasn’t keen on a medium sized wedding but came round to the idea. It was/ is also fairly common amongst my friends to be together a long time before marriage and to mhave a long engagement.

If I were you I’d give him til Christmas and do not mention it again until then. He may have an idea that a “surprise” proposal is romantic and if you mention it all the time he can’t do that. He may want some role in this and not to feel that you controlled the entire narrative. Also it may ruin things for you if you feel you’re nagging him about it all the time. You could maybe have one last conversation and tell him you appreciate that he’ll propose by Christmas so you won’t be mentioning it again as you’re trusting that he knows how important this is to you and that you can take him at his word on this. You could give him some ring suggestions too if you want a ring (but I’d err on the affordable side or he might need to delay to save for it). I’d also communicate the length of engagement you’d want and that you would want to TTC straight after marriage and ensure you’re both on the same or at least a similar page.

What I’d do though is start saving as much as you can, either for a wedding or to leave. If there’s no proposal by November I’d expect that one isn’t forthcoming and prepare for a disappointing Christmas. If he doesn’t propose at Christmas, tell him in the new year that you feel the trust is broken as you took him at his word, that you can’t wait any longer and make plans to sell the house and move on. It would IMO be a huge mistake to give any extension of the Christmas deadline even if he proposes at that point to keep you.

Settlersofcatan · 10/04/2020 08:03

He is only 27, so I don't think it's necessarily the case that he doesn't want to get married and have kids and he's stringing you along. I think it's a good thing that he doesn't want to get into debt but wants to pay cash for everything.

I think it's fine for you to force the issue though and set out what you want and by when.