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Original poster

Am I being impatient? Marriage and kids?

204 replies

1991Amber · 28/03/2020 15:23

Hi All,
I've got to the point where I don't know what to do...

I've been with my OH for 9 years this month, he knows that I want to get married and have kids and so does he. Yet here I am 9 years and counting with no ring on my finger.

The way his brain works is get ourselves set up before we take the next step in our venture. I.e house and decorated. But we have had a house for 4 years now and we are very close to finishing the decorating, we now trying to pay the mortgage off.

I have had the conversation with him about 6 months ago about how serious I am about marriage and kids to make sure he's on the same page. He says his is...so what are we waiting for?

Am I being impatient? What should I do?

Cheers!

OP posts:
nowaitaminute · 31/03/2020 21:43

He is not ready OP it's very simple...men are a different species as such, they don't feel like they are ready until they feel secure and happy that hey can provide! You need to hold off and give him time to get ready, career wise, house wise, money wise.

The question you need to ask yourself is...is he the man you WANT to do this with? If the answer is Yes...then respect his process. The 9 years you have spent together has been all of your 20's... he has only just matured!! Most of us only truly mature at 26-28! There's nothing wrong with what he is trying to achieve, in fact he is doing it the right way. If you are 27 then you have PLENTY of time! Please relax and have a bit more patience. TRUST the process!

MikeUniformMike · 31/03/2020 21:49

If he's not ready after 9 years together and 4 years into a joint mortgage, he never will be.

LemonSock · 31/03/2020 21:54

I am imagining @nowaitaminute sitting about in his pants and putting down his games console to type that spirited defence of the middle-aged manchild. Poor diddums is being rushed into adulthood by the OP, the baby-hungry monster. Hmm

nowaitaminute · 31/03/2020 22:03

@LemonSock I am woman but thank you! I am just not of the outlook that a man should be ready...just because a woman is! They key is in her OP ... " I have had the conversation with him about 6 months ago about how serious I am about marriage and kids
See the I ! It's very simple... until a man feels like he can provide and is ready for marriage and kids...then he is just not ready!

Yes!! 9 years is a loooong time! But he is 29! At 20-23 I'm guessing he was in uni/college etc then a few years working and saving for a house. Now he wants to have the house done, possibly build up savings!! I personally don't see what the man is doing wrong! He wants to get set up, but because it's not going HER way you all think OP should get rid of him. OP if you love him and you know he loves you then really, after 9,what is another year?

Does he have the job of his dreams OP?
Does he have enough savings aside to provide for a family?
Has he accomplished EVERYTHING he wants before a family?

If the answer to those is no...then help him to get there and see what happens

category12 · 31/03/2020 22:16

What about what OP wants to achieve in life? And who the fuck achieves their dream job and everything they want in life before a family? It's a mite unrealistic for the vast majority of ordinary joes. Hmm

OP doesn't have infinite time to wait for the guy to be ready or have his perfect lifestyle. She does have time in hand, but she needs to be sure he's on the same page and there's a timescale. Otherwise she could find herself still waiting as her fertility window closes, whereas she'd have been better off jumping ship earlier and finding someone else to marry and have kids with earlier.

nowaitaminute · 31/03/2020 22:32

@category12 well that's purely up to OP isn't it!! Her decisions are
A) talk to him and give him more time...
Or
B) leave him and find someone else...easier said than done possibly.

Only OP truly knows how she feels and if this will work. And plenty of ppl wait to get a good job, a house and savings before getting married and/or starting a family. Most ppl I know did it that way...it's not abnormal at all Confused

FlowerArranger · 31/03/2020 22:37

@nowaitaminute... he wants to have the house done, possibly build up savings!! I personally don't see what the man is doing wrong! He wants to get set up...

None of these are a prerequisite for getting married! My husband and I were as poor as church mice when we got married. This guy is messing the OP around. Nice men don't do that.

LemonSock · 31/03/2020 22:40

What’s all this guff about ‘providing’, @nowaitaminute? The OP is presumably perfectly capable of ‘providing’ for her future children, as I am for my actual one. You do genuinely think men are a different species, don’t you? What has happened to you to make you think a man in his late twenties is not yet an adult, and that this is somehow adorable?

category12 · 31/03/2020 22:43

good job, a house and savings is rather different to "the job of his dreams" and accomplishing "EVERYTHING he wants" Hmm.

They already have that from the sounds of it.

nowaitaminute · 31/03/2020 22:55

@LemonSock nothing HAPPENED to me Confused the way I see it men just think differently! And imo that is ok! I never said it was "adorable" now you are putting words in my mouth! But why is it ok for a woman to announce she is ready for marriage and children and then fully expect a man to be ready too?? If it was the other way around you would all be saying...don't let him pressure you OP, you do you OP!, if you need to figure stuff out then you just tell him OP! I mean it's a two way street and @flowerArranger nobody SAID it was a prerequisite but maybe it's his??!

nowaitaminute · 31/03/2020 22:56

@category12 everything they want...from your perspective! Who are you to say what he feels he wants to accomplish before marriage! That's his agenda.

AlexaAmbidextra · 31/03/2020 22:59

I would much rather be a single parent than not-a-parent so sling your miserable hook.

Shesagambler. I’m not miserable. You were the one let down by a man. Not me.

category12 · 31/03/2020 23:02

@nowaitaminute You're the one spouting on about how the OP needs to wait until her partner's achieved everything he wants, and talking like the man is the only one who provides for a family. Hmm

CuppaZa · 31/03/2020 23:04

He isn’t ready for that commitment. But you’re good enough to co-habit with as it makes his life better. He was 18 when you first got together. He isn’t ready to settle down, after 9 years

timeisnotaline · 31/03/2020 23:32

If he really dreams of climbing Everest before having children best to get out now anyway and find someone who will be a better dad and partner.

JosieJosie1 · 01/04/2020 07:36

@Inappropriatefemale every friend of mine and DP plus everyone I work with who is in a relationship over the age of 32 is married. Your social circle seems off to me as it’s the same in my DB and DS friendship groups.

@1991Amber my situation was after 3 years with DH I was 29 and wondering where the proposal was as I knew he loved me. I said to him did he not want to marry me and he said he did but he was worried about how to propose. I told jim I didn’t care how he proposed I loved him and wanted to marry him. I got a total shock when he proposed in our living room 2 days later!! You have told your DP you love him and want to marry him and nothing.

The other no proposal forthcoming story I have is my cousin who was dating a man whose parents had a horrendous divorce. He was completely against marriage. She was very upset but said she loved him and would stay with him. He proposed a year later of his own accord. Said he saw how much a wedding meant to her and her family. His speech was the best I’ve ever heard and they have been very happily married for over 10 years now.

These are the calibre of man you should want to marry - those who want to make the woman they love happy.

NiteFlights · 01/04/2020 07:53

they don't feel like they are ready until they feel secure and happy that they can provide!

Are you new to MN? Confused

Inappropriatefemale · 01/04/2020 08:09

@JosieJosie1 we just move in different social circles, we all have our own normal.

Inappropriatefemale · 01/04/2020 08:12

Plus I know so many unconventional folks which may have something to do with it, but then I have a friend of a friend who is friends with many people who have very professional jobs and out of the 6 couples she is friends with, then only 1 couple is married and they have been together since they were 14.

I also think different cities etc have different stats for marriage etc.

Scott72 · 01/04/2020 08:18

As I've suggested before, if he's scared about the prospect of divorce you could both research what would happen, legally and financially, in the event of the divorce. Perhaps it might not be as catastrophic as he is assuming. If you've been together since 18 neither of you should need prenups. There's no point burying your head in the sand and saying there's no chance you will divorce.

ChuckleBuckles · 01/04/2020 08:31

Could he have afforded the mortgage for the house on his own OP? If not he has tied you to him financially to suit himself all while knowing he doesn't want what you do. If you were renting a place together it would have been easier to leave, find a man that would be serious about you and move on.

You are at a tipping point here, invest more time in the hopes that one day he will want to marry you and have DC or look at his (in)actions now and get yourself ready to move forward without him. Are you prepared to wait in hope with no guarantees that he won't just walk away when you are 10 years further into this, with no marriage, no DC and declining hopes of conceiving due to age? Time to seriously think about what is important to you, is this man special enough to give up motherhood for? Sit down and do your finances, what are you likely to bank from selling the house, think where would you live, what kind of life do you want, you only get one chance at this, think seriously.

haveanapple · 01/04/2020 08:45

I spoke to my husband after my last post (we haven't talked about this in years, I don't know if he could have articulated this at the time - he's not a reflector!).

For him, essentially two reasons (no order)

  1. He wasn't ready for kids (although he wanted them) and felt that there would be a natural progression from marriage to kids
  2. Every time I, or anyone else mentioned it it made him feel like he was being told what to do, which he has never liked and also he felt took the 'shine' or excitement off any proposal.

I did know he did ask my dad and bought a ring a number of months before he actually proposed but was waiting for the right time.

I think only you can know if there is a future in your relationship. I never understood my husbands reticence and it did upset me, but I did/do feel secure on how he feels about me.

Greybutterfly · 01/04/2020 08:50

I was in the same situation. I had been living with my partner for 9 years and repeatedly had the discussion about marriage and kids. He wanted children immediately but I wanted to be married first. It didn’t have to be a big affair I wanted security and suggested eloping, small ceremonies and weddings aboard.

After approaching 30 I was very insistent and I probably did nag especially after being a bridesmaid for the third time in so many years.

The ring came (romantically under the northern lights) and we set about planning. He was heavily involved and the small affair grew and grew. Led by him eg we went to get a sax player before the Dj but at his instances ended up walking out agreeing to the full band.

To cut a long story short. He decided he could not go through with it. I was devastated, absolutely penniless (and owing on credit cards) and now homeless. I was in a bad place.

Fast forward to now. I regret not leaving sooner. I feel I wasted so many years chasing a dream. I have now met a lovely man who makes me feel alive. I will never beg or pester someone again ... I don’t want to feel I forced someone to be with me. I deserve more than that and so do you.

Yes it’s scary but seriously think whether you want to be with someone who is not 100% committed to you. Yes you love him but it sounds like you are plodding along. He is not certain about wanting to spend his life with you. I wish I had faced up to that and had more self respect for myself. You deserve more.

Original poster
1991Amber · 09/04/2020 17:37

Ok so I spoke to him, he said he will propose before Christmas.

I understand it's not 1960... However I did ask him out in the first place and I'm not willing for all of our commitment to be coming from me.

Christmas is 3 months short of another year. I'm happy but not at the same time, I've told him I want to be married for 30 which is next February.

Let's see what happens I suppose! I will start prepping for the worst scenario also to keep myself stable if my plans don't turn out.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 09/04/2020 17:45

Fk. I was you. But older. In my 9 years I got married, had 4 pregnancy and got divorced. And Im already pretty certain that you are all geared up for a shit Christmas. All November you are going to be waiting and wondering about December and when Christmas starts. Christmas Day will be a nightmare until he does or does not propose. He's taking the absolute piss. I had your scenario. And with the benefit of hindsight it's not more important to get on together. It's how you get on with disagreeing. He's made himself untouchable by making you appear irrational for not being patient. I hope it works out for you very, very soon. Or that even sooner you tell him to fk off.