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Original poster

Am I being impatient? Marriage and kids?

204 replies

1991Amber · 28/03/2020 15:23

Hi All,
I've got to the point where I don't know what to do...

I've been with my OH for 9 years this month, he knows that I want to get married and have kids and so does he. Yet here I am 9 years and counting with no ring on my finger.

The way his brain works is get ourselves set up before we take the next step in our venture. I.e house and decorated. But we have had a house for 4 years now and we are very close to finishing the decorating, we now trying to pay the mortgage off.

I have had the conversation with him about 6 months ago about how serious I am about marriage and kids to make sure he's on the same page. He says his is...so what are we waiting for?

Am I being impatient? What should I do?

Cheers!

OP posts:
GoldenKirst · 28/03/2020 16:27

I've been with my OH for 13 years in July. Bought our house 5 years ago in May. I'm 27 & he is 30.

Expecting our first baby in August 😊 still no sign of a ring, but I think I'm over it 🤷🏼‍♀️ would be nice to have the same surname as little one but not a massive deal ☺️

I would just keep talking to him about it... & dropping hints

Original poster
1991Amber · 28/03/2020 16:28

If I said I wanted to be married by next year he would say how are we going to pay for that, he likes to pay for everything in cash so save up first basically!

I have told him I want two kids before I'm 35 which means we would have to be engaged this year. He just says be patient, which yes gives the impression he will propose. But then on the other hand he's worried I want kids 'already'.

I love him to pieces and he loves me but I don't want kids when I'm 40

OP posts:
TripleTroubleTime · 28/03/2020 16:29

@GoldenKirst Hmm i hope your post is a joke. Terrible advice for the OP.

Original poster
1991Amber · 28/03/2020 16:30

I'm also not prepared to speak to him about it again...it gets a point where I would be basically asking him to marry me. I don't want to nag anyone into that!

I don't want to leave him

OP posts:
TripleTroubleTime · 28/03/2020 16:31

@1991Amber are you willing to compromise on the wedding? A registry office do is about £150-£200. It doesnt have to cost thousands and thousands.

Longtalljosie · 28/03/2020 16:32

I have seen girlfriends strung along for just as long as you. For your 30th, either be engaged (with a date) or single. You’ve waited long enough for him to pop the question. Tell him you want to get married next year, and if he doesn’t you need a serious chat.

category12 · 28/03/2020 16:34

Marriage doesn't have to be expensive. You don't even need a ring.

It's bloody ridiculous in this day and age that you're hanging on for him to decide to propose - you're both equals and you're not a passive object for things to be decided for you - you should have equal input into what happens in your life and timescale. Did you never hear of feminism?

Longtalljosie · 28/03/2020 16:34

I get that you don’t want to leave him, but you don’t want to waste any more time with him if he’s not willing to commit. And marriage DOES count - there have been some awful threads on here with women left with no career to speak of and no protection.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 28/03/2020 16:34

Expecting our first baby in August 😊 still no sign of a ring, but I think I'm over it 🤷🏼‍♀️ would be nice to have the same surname as little one but not a massive deal ☺️

It's a major deal. Utterly daft to give the baby his surname or, even worse, lower your earning potential at all to look after kids with an unmarried partner. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

I'm also not prepared to speak to him about it again...it gets a point where I would be basically asking him to marry me. I don't want to nag anyone into that!

I don't want to leave him

You are an adult and intelligent, so by not speaking to him about it, standing up for what you want, or making what you want a priority, you're accepting no kids and marriage. No decision is still a decision. You have no one to blame but yourself if you're 40, still with this guy, no kids, no marriage and he does what so many do, meet someone younger, split with you, marry her in record time and become Mr Family Man.

At least own it, though. By doing nothing, you're accepting no kids and no marriage.

IceKitten · 28/03/2020 16:35

Nine years?! Of course you're not being impatient!

OP, if I were you I'd ask him. Then you'll know where you stand.

Original poster
1991Amber · 28/03/2020 16:35

@longtalljosie I like your idea, I'm at least giving him a chance. I know I've already waiting a long time which others wouldn't but we are a great couple and love each other.

OP posts:
GoldenKirst · 28/03/2020 16:35

@TripleTroubleTime what's to joke about? The OP doesn't want to leave him and he's in no rush to propose or have kids, what else can she do other than keep talking about it?

Marriage isn't the be all and end all of a relationship. Plenty of things are changing meaning non-married couples rights are improving. After being together so long what difference would marriage make to the relationship?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/03/2020 16:37

Amber

re your comment:-
"I'm also not prepared to speak to him about it again...it gets a point where I would be basically asking him to marry me. I don't want to nag anyone into that!

I don't want to leave him"

So you are basically going to stay in the same position as you are now i.e no marriage and no children. You are also the architect of your own demise here if you do that.

Grobagsforever · 28/03/2020 16:37

@goldenkirst - Give the baby your surname, why on earth does your partners surname get priority in this situation? So weird.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 28/03/2020 16:38

Plenty of things are changing meaning non-married couples rights are improving.

NO, NOTHING is improving the rights of non-married couples. ZERO. You either go to the Registry to marry or get a civil partnership and that's it, no other 'rights' are forthcoming. You're just two people living together same as flatmates.

After being together so long what difference would marriage make to the relationship?

Legally, everything. Married or civil partnership come with automatic rights, not married or CP = FA.

Original poster
1991Amber · 28/03/2020 16:39

Yes I've heard of feminism lol I struggle with anxiety which doesn't help me...

I think the best option is a time limit. I've already had the important conversation 6 months ago. So giving him the summer etc won't hurt me.

I also have a good job so I won't be left with nothing as others have unfortunately in the past.

I can fend for myself if shit hits the fan luckily. Maybe I just need to concentrate on savings for incase my time limit doesn't work out?

OP posts:
izzywizzygood · 28/03/2020 16:40

Maybe he's waiting for you to propose?

category12 · 28/03/2020 16:40

Lots of things are different if you're unmarried, Goldenkirst. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

You really need to realise that and think carefully about choices you make regarding work and childcare, especially if you're intending to reduce hours or give up work.

If he doesn't believe in marriage, why not a civil partnership, to give you some legal protections.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/03/2020 16:44

You may well love him but he is not on the same page as you at all here re marriage and children and may never be either. He is really doing the carrot and stick approach here with you, all this be patient stuff from him is just him patronising you.

Like TheArchSorcerer too I have seen that particular scenario that person describes played out time and time again.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/03/2020 16:44

Well if you aren’t prepared to speak to him about it again and you don’t want to leave him then you’re out of options aren’t you? That leaves you just sitting around waiting and hoping for him to ask you to marry him. Which, from what you’ve said seems highly unlikely. Please don’t fall into the trap of making a unilateral decision to get pregnant in the hope it will force his hand. It won’t and you’ll end up as a single parent.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/03/2020 16:49

If he wanted to marry you he would do so. He holds far more power and control in this relationship overall than you do and he knows it as well. You've already talked about marriage previously and he has told you to be patient i,e fob you off.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/03/2020 16:50

Expecting our first baby in August 😊 still no sign of a ring, but I think I'm over it. would be nice to have the same surname as little one but not a massive deal ☺️*

Kirst. Are you saying that you are giving your baby it’s father’s surname when he’s refusing to marry you? Fuck that ..... in spades. You need a healthy dose of self-respect.

Original poster
1991Amber · 28/03/2020 16:53

Thanks for all your advice!!! There's lots to think about 😁

OP posts:
category12 · 28/03/2020 16:56

Please do read the information in the link, OP as well as @GoldenKirst: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/ It's important.

Wetcarparkrain · 28/03/2020 16:58

You should start thinking about what you are going to do if this doesn’t work out.

Where would you live, how would your life be, how would your finances be set up. In my experience, when it becomes apparent in your attitude that you mean what you say and are prepared for life without him if that’s what’s necessary, men who love you but are just a bit lazy and commitment shy will suddenly be like, ‘oh it’s MARRIAGE you wanted, god of course, let’s do it’.

A bit like wanting a promotion that never happens and then when you start looking at other jobs and having interviews and job offers and your work is like ‘oh god, yes, when we said you couldn’t have 10k more and a better title, obvs we ACTUALLY meant here you go!’

I really mean the opposite of playing games btw, I mean that you need to know what you want and be prepared to go after it.

If what you want is kids in a timely way in a committed relationship, you have less time than him to faff about, and if he’s not up for it, you need to crack on with finding someone who is.

If he loves you, and ultimately wants the same as you, he’ll get on it, and if not the sooner you know and cut your losses the better.

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