Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being impatient? Marriage and kids?

204 replies

1991Amber · 28/03/2020 15:23

Hi All,
I've got to the point where I don't know what to do...

I've been with my OH for 9 years this month, he knows that I want to get married and have kids and so does he. Yet here I am 9 years and counting with no ring on my finger.

The way his brain works is get ourselves set up before we take the next step in our venture. I.e house and decorated. But we have had a house for 4 years now and we are very close to finishing the decorating, we now trying to pay the mortgage off.

I have had the conversation with him about 6 months ago about how serious I am about marriage and kids to make sure he's on the same page. He says his is...so what are we waiting for?

Am I being impatient? What should I do?

Cheers!

OP posts:
user1353245678533567 · 28/03/2020 16:58

If you're too scared to discuss this with him then how would parenting together work?

Does he get the final say on everything else in your life or are you prepared to say "this is important to me and I would like to do something about it" for other stuff?

it gets a point where I would be basically asking him to marry me. I don't want to nag anyone into that

That's illogical to me.

There's nothing wrong with you asking him to marry you or agreeing together. It's your life too.

And if you're at the point where you're actually asking repeatedly that's because he's said no and you already have you answer, surely? If he had asked you and you said no wouldn't you expect him to leave to find someone who has the same goals?

Sosounhappy · 28/03/2020 17:01

A friends partner said no for a number of years. Not sure how many. Eventually had 1 st baby at 38. Tried again and after numerous miscarriages didn't have another baby

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/03/2020 17:02

Nine years is the opposite of impatient. You’ve had the patience of a Saint and are well on the way to being a martyr to love.

If marriage is important to you, you need to demonstrate that by proposing to him. Proposing is not nagging. It’s you taking the lead instead of waiting for him. Then you get an answer. Then you set a date, preferably within a year of the proposal. If he says no or leaves you at the altar, then you know where you stand and can look for someone who respects your values of commitment and also desires children.

I don’t know if he’s stringing you along or if he’s just afraid of going from young man to a married father with a dad bod. But you deserve to either get to the next step of marriage or for him to let you go.

cosytoaster · 28/03/2020 17:04

If you're not willing to speak to him again and don't want to leave him then you are just left in limbo until he decides if and when he'll marry you.
If you had the conversation six months ago and nothing has happened it's not likely that he is suddenly going to spring into action.

OhNoNoNoNotThatOne · 28/03/2020 17:10

Sounds bad and not advisable if you won't follow through, but I gave dh an ultimatum.
We'd been together 3 years, bought the house and got a dog.
I told him he had a year to decide, he gives me what I want marriage and children or we call it quits. He never proposed, but about 8 months after the ultimatum he said shall we book the registry office (he knew I wanted small)
2 years after we got married we had ds.

But I was ready to walk away if he didn't want to get married. It's the only time I've put my wants before us as a couple.

I had the funds to rent my own place and just needed to arrange a solicitor to sort out the house side of a potential split.

userabcname · 28/03/2020 17:14

You could either see what happens (and accept that neither marriage nor children may ever happen) or give him a time limit. I have a few friends who did the latter- some are now single and some married with children. You need to be prepared for both outcomes!

Esspee · 28/03/2020 17:18

Time to start discussing ending the relationship. Perhaps if he realises you are serious he will man up and marry you. By staying with him you are signalling that you accept the current situation.

Gutterton · 28/03/2020 17:19

You also need to agree on the children part as well, even if you “nag” him into marriage.

I have seen many women get their guys up the aisle and then he stalls on children - claiming they want to wait.....

How is your RS communication?

Why do you feel you have to nag?

This is your life partner and if there is nothing more important than having DCs - then this should be an open honest conversation with shared aspirations and goals (both making compromises) - otherwise you are just not compatible......you should be able to talk this through like adults.

Sometimes when you get together as teenagers you stay in that mode.....have you both matured?

jamrollyolly · 28/03/2020 17:22

Why can't you propose to him?

4amWitchingHour · 28/03/2020 17:25

Jeez just ask him. Some people just take ages to get around to things - my DH for instance. I knew he wanted to get married, he just takes ages to actually do anything. So I did the asking, he said yes, cried and suggested a date two days later. Sorted. If I'd asked on MN I would have been told to leave him - it's not always the case that the guy is a malingering twat!

Pentium85 · 28/03/2020 17:26

He does not want to.
It's really that simple

25MinutesSinceLastTime · 28/03/2020 17:33

would be nice to have the same surname as little one but not a massive deal

Do NOT give the baby his surname if you are not married. You are having the baby, give it your surname. That way, when it all goes tits up, you and the baby will have the same name.

HeyDuggeewatchadoin · 28/03/2020 17:36

I made it clear once we were serious. I told that I wasn't wasting time with someone who didn't want what I wanted and I did expect to get married. We got engaged after 3 years, married after 4. It wasn't nagging in my opinion as he knew where I stood and had a choice.
I'm afraid you need to start speaking your mind OP, you either want the same thing or you don't.

Elieza · 28/03/2020 17:37

He doesn’t want to have a baby til your married? Stop having sex with him as every time is a pregnancy risk.

I imagine a marriage proposal will arise before lockdown is over.

Go for a registrars wedding as soon as the place is open again and tie the knot. Then and only then have sex again. Grin

Deadringer · 28/03/2020 17:43

Decide when YOU want to get married and have children. Be it next year, the year after, whatever, then tell him thats what you want. Dont ask him, tell him. I mean he can't say you have just sprung it on him, not after 9 years. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want, and nothing to be gained from keeping quiet and letting him decide your future. If its not what he wants let him come out and say it, rather than fobbing you off.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/03/2020 19:47

I agree with the time limit. Telling him that you want to be married by
(say) next Xmas, with a rough idea of the sort of wedding you want (be realistic, dont say you will settle for a small do to push him into it when you would like a larger affair) and leave it with him. Tell him that if cant commit to that or doesnt want to then you will be moving on as you made it clear from the start that this is what you wanted and dont want to waste another 9 years hoping he will change his mind.

Then you have given him all the facts from your point of view and he can decide whether he is actually going to see through his promises.

I too have seen women waste their fertile years waiting for the mythical "one day" which never arrived only for lover boy to swan off and breed with a (usually) younger model and her having to accept being childless and single.

Dont make the same mistake.

FlowerAndBloom · 28/03/2020 19:54

Just simply ask him 'what is is that you still need to know about me? What is it that you are unsure of?' If he can't answer that then he's just stringing your along. If you want to have children then you (and he) will be aware you can't wait forever

Bin85 · 28/03/2020 20:10

Ultimatum time
Wedding could be very simple
Unfortunately Covid19 won't help situation

Rainbowqueeen · 28/03/2020 20:23

OP yes definitely start saving to move out

Long term it doesn’t sound like you are compatible. It also sounds like he is stringing you along. Done nothin in 6 months. Come on! I’d expected to have everything booked at a minimum or to be married by now if you wanted something simple.

If you want marriage and kids you need to move on as this guy has no intention of going down that road with you.

Techway · 28/03/2020 20:37

@GoldenKirst, please don't give away your name. It maybe traditional but only if married.

When your child is at school you will have to explain the different surname, or be queried if you travel solo on holidays with her child.

Having children unmarried is so risky. I was fortunate with my oldest and could work but 2nd was a non sleeper, ex wouldn't get up at night, and still expected to go away on business. It made working in my full on job impossible. This was fine as he wanted this set up and I worked full time but in a stepped down role. However when we divorced he fought bitterly to retain money and had we not been married he would have happily left me penniless.

Once you step down from your career it is extremely difficult to get back so without the benefit of marriage always retain financial independence.

YRGAM · 28/03/2020 20:43

Ask him to marry you. It's not 1960.

category12 · 28/03/2020 20:46

Also, GoldenKirst, if you do get married, it's really easy to change yours and your dc's surname to the dad's. It's not easy the other way round if you break up, you wouldn't be able to change the name to yours without his agreement, so you're stuck with different names and the inconveniences that brings. Even if he was a crap absent father.

LargeGinOnTap · 28/03/2020 21:10

So you were late teens v early 20s when you met? I'm a similar age and I can see both sides. Would I be ready to settle down have kids yes but financially ready no

SudokuQueen · 28/03/2020 21:25

Don't think it's a bad thing really that he likes to be financially ready, but you could always save up throughout the year after getting engaged. That's what me and my fiance are doing. I've made lists of how much everything will cost so we know how much to save, roughly.

You need to talk to him. If he can't give an actual decent reason (I can't think of any to be honest), then he just doesn't want to marry you.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/03/2020 21:48

Don't think it's a bad thing really that he likes to be financially ready

For nine years? 😱

Swipe left for the next trending thread