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Original poster

Am I being impatient? Marriage and kids?

204 replies

1991Amber · 28/03/2020 15:23

Hi All,
I've got to the point where I don't know what to do...

I've been with my OH for 9 years this month, he knows that I want to get married and have kids and so does he. Yet here I am 9 years and counting with no ring on my finger.

The way his brain works is get ourselves set up before we take the next step in our venture. I.e house and decorated. But we have had a house for 4 years now and we are very close to finishing the decorating, we now trying to pay the mortgage off.

I have had the conversation with him about 6 months ago about how serious I am about marriage and kids to make sure he's on the same page. He says his is...so what are we waiting for?

Am I being impatient? What should I do?

Cheers!

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 29/03/2020 19:03

I have said you have years left to try and I have realised that’s silly of me to say, in 10 years you will be 39 so it may be a lot harder to have a baby.

You sound ready right now and whilst it’s great your DP wants to be financially secure then surely he is half way to that? He sounds like he would be great with cash so I think you have to lay it all on the line and tell him that you want to get married and start trying for a baby within the next year, if he gives you the old “not yet” crap then you have to decide if he is indeed stringing you along, I think he isn’t sure yet if he wants kids and marriage in all honesty, he can have a baby at any age, you can’t so be careful.

carly2803 · 29/03/2020 19:26

this is familiar, not me,someone i used to know.

Been with the same guy 10 years, house bought, she wants marriage kids etc, he hasnt proposed. He clearly never has any intention of doing so. She constantly said "if he hasnt by x date i will ask", if he hasnt by "this date", i will ask. Went on for years

Far as i know they are still together, not married, no kids. Wont happen, and if it ever did she would be fricking miserable with kids and him.

Leave him OP, you deserve to be with someone on the same page. You should never have to nag someone to get them to marry you/have kids etc

MaeveDidIt · 29/03/2020 20:00

Be a bit careful - he's younger than you and potentially he could easily find someone a lot younger than you.

It could be that he's not ready because he has never been able to play the field, but doesn't want to give up what he's got with you (at the moment anyway).
My advise to you would be not to be strung along for too long.
Wanting to get married and have children should not be this much of a struggle - you should both want to do it!

newbingepisodes · 29/03/2020 20:10

I'd have gone way before 9 years.
You need to watch that cheesy Romcom film called "he's just not that into you" - the theme of the film, doesn't matter what the words are, it's the actions that count.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 29/03/2020 20:25

27 and 29 are young and especially for him, you have years left to have a baby and right now isn’t really the ideal time anyway.

Not really, especially not if you find out you have fertility issues. And if you split it can take years to find someone else and progress to the point of marriage and kids.

Pickupapenguinnnn · 31/03/2020 07:08

Good grief, the stuff women will believe to keep a man. No wonder they take the mick out of so many. OP you've had good advice. Your choice whether to take it and run. Flowers

Pooshweens · 31/03/2020 07:16

Haven't read the whole thread but maybe he just doesn't want to get married

I've been with my partner 9 years. We are very happy together (in both of our names), have a house and 2 kids together

We might get married one day but I just never really fancied it - the wedding, expense, fuss, attention = my worst nightmare!!

Plus my parents were very unhappily married (and eventually divorced) so I never saw what the fuss was about

Pooshweens · 31/03/2020 07:16

I should add, he would love to get married but has been accepting of my feelings about it

KatherineJaneway · 31/03/2020 07:22

Sorry OP, he doesn't want to marry you or he would have proposed by now. All this 'waiting' for a house etc is a stalling tactic which he has used to excellent effect on you.

PippaPegg · 31/03/2020 07:24

27 minus 9 is 18.

You're fucked OP. If he wanted to marry his childhood sweetheart he would have.

He wants to end it but hasn't got the balls to say "actually I want to shag more than 1 woman before I die"

You can do better.

Inappropriatefemale · 31/03/2020 09:07

I don’t see what the fuss about marriage is either @Pooshweens, I don’t know many married folks under 40 tbh.

category12 · 31/03/2020 09:16

The fuss about marriage is the legal differences it makes.

A cohabiting couple do not have the same legal rights as a married one does (or civil partnership does). Such as in the case of the death of one of the partners.

If you have looked into these differences and genuinely don't think they would benefit you as an individual or couple, and are going into it with eyes wide open, then fair enough.

But a lot of times people don't have a clue and the lower earner or non-earner can find themselves truly fucked over in a split or bereavement.

Sparklyring · 31/03/2020 09:22

@Inappropriatefemale I don't know any couple under 40 who aren't married. What's your point?!

1990shopefulftm · 31/03/2020 09:31

I'd agree with the suggestions of others, one last conversation of exactly when he could see it happening and then potentially walk away.

Yes, many people will say you're still young but if you want more than one child and turns out there's an issue, if he strung you along a few more years then things would get harder.

TheStuffedPenguin · 31/03/2020 09:40

Sounds like he is keeping his options open HOWEVER I knew one guy like this and he finally did it after about 10 years.

MikeUniformMike · 31/03/2020 10:46

@Inappropriatefemale, I find it strange that people can commit to making a new human being with someone without the legal commitment and security of marriage. Marriage isn't a wedding. Getting married cost £57.

LemonSock · 31/03/2020 11:24

The committed couples I know who aren't married (in one case, both of them were children when their parents had unusually nasty and protracted divorces and it put them off the whole institution) have either gone to a lot of trouble to legally replicate as far as possible the legal principles of marriage and/or live in legal jurisdictions where 'common law marriage' is a legally-binding situation.

One longterm couple I knew who had no plans to marry did so after she developed a rare, serious syndrome in late pregnancy, went into a coma just after the baby was born and before she could put her partner's name on the birth cert -- which meant that if she had never woken up (the chances were about 50/50), not only would her longterm partner have been dealing with bereavement, but their baby would have automatically gone to her parents as her legal next of kin.

Fortunately, she woke up and was fine. But they did get married immediately afterwards, very quietly.

Scott72 · 31/03/2020 12:23

"without the legal commitment and security of marriage"

The "security" in this case means court ordered division of assets in the event of divorce. Lets be blunt, that's the primary legal benefit of marriage now. The secondary legal benefit is protection from inheritance tax if one partner dies before the other.

billy1966 · 31/03/2020 12:29

OP, he's stringing you along...but ye did meet when ye were very young.

He may care for you but he's not sure.

Prepare yourself to sell the house and move on.Flowers

MikeUniformMike · 31/03/2020 12:29

@LemonSock, that sounds a lot more complicated that booking a trip to the Register Office with two witnesses.

You don't even have to announce that your married.

Creating a baby is full-time commitment for 18 years. You are a parent for life.

MikeUniformMike · 31/03/2020 12:29

you're not your

Inappropriatefemale · 31/03/2020 12:34

My point was to the pp that said she doesn’t see the point in marriage and I agree, it’s not as popular as it used to be which is why hardly anyone under 40 is married, they just live together and have the house.

Marriage is the same as living together in that you still need to work at it over time, legally it’s not the same no, but I don’t think everyone wants to get married for legal reasons.

You can’t nag someone into marrying you.

MikeUniformMike · 31/03/2020 12:35

To anyone saying ' it's just a piece of paper' - well so are the deeds to your house and your car's vehicle registration document.

Inappropriatefemale · 31/03/2020 12:36

OP are you his only serious relationship? I think so many folks want to experience more relationships before they take that final step and get married, many years ago people married the first person they fell for but nowadays it’s not like this now.

Inappropriatefemale · 31/03/2020 12:39

@MikeUniformMike I understand what you mean about being married first to have a baby but it’s such an old fashioned mindset is it not, at least I think so.

I have no plans to get married but if I was in love and the man I was in love asked me to marry him then I would most likely say yes, well depending what his surname was anyhoo!Grin

That last comment was a joke btw, just incase nobody got that!

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