Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being impatient? Marriage and kids?

204 replies

1991Amber · 28/03/2020 15:23

Hi All,
I've got to the point where I don't know what to do...

I've been with my OH for 9 years this month, he knows that I want to get married and have kids and so does he. Yet here I am 9 years and counting with no ring on my finger.

The way his brain works is get ourselves set up before we take the next step in our venture. I.e house and decorated. But we have had a house for 4 years now and we are very close to finishing the decorating, we now trying to pay the mortgage off.

I have had the conversation with him about 6 months ago about how serious I am about marriage and kids to make sure he's on the same page. He says his is...so what are we waiting for?

Am I being impatient? What should I do?

Cheers!

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 31/03/2020 12:42

Plus the statistics for marriage lasting these days aren’t very high are they? Gone are the days when people committed to each other til death they do part.

category12 · 31/03/2020 12:43

There are also things like, if you are unmarried and say, you lose your job, and your partner refuses to support you, they're not legally obliged to - even though the benefits system will treat you as a couple. So an asshole partner could be earning too much for you to get benefits, while refusing you financial support and you'd have no comeback. A married partner is legally obliged to support you.

It's all fine when things are going well, but it's when the worst happens like death, or a split, that a partner who may have dropped their career to enable the other to pursue theirs and have a family life ends up screwed.

YouCannotBeeSerious · 31/03/2020 12:44

Love this sketch, pretty much sums everything:

The stolen years jewellery collection

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2020 12:57

Hah that sketch is so funny

MikeUniformMike · 31/03/2020 13:09

It isn't really. In having a baby you are committing to co-parenting a child to the age of 18.

Marriage might be 'old-fashioned' but families still usually have the mother doing most of the housework and child-rearing, and the father earning more.

Often the father will own the family home, his partner having moved in, and got accidentally pregnant.

The 'common law' marriage means diddly-squat. If you split up or one of you dies, marriage offers you legal protection.

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2020 13:14

Well no, it's not funny if it's happening to you
Marriage is necessary legal protection

MikeUniformMike · 31/03/2020 13:17

Married couples tend to stay together longer than unmarried ones.

People get married later now.

category12 · 31/03/2020 13:25

I never understand the "but marriages break up" argument - what do you imagine the statistics of cohabiting couples relationships failing are?!

And surely that's as much reason to take up the protection of your rights that marriage offers, especially if you plan on pooling resources or either of you taking time out of work to raise children.

SerBrienneOfHouseTarth · 31/03/2020 13:37

If I've done my sums right that means you've been together since age 18 and 20, so to me the 9 years doesn't sound unreasonable.

I've been with DH since my teens and we got engaged on our 12th, and married on our 14th anniversary! Had DC1 three years after the wedding. We were the same in that marriage and children was something we had talked about doing in the future, but once I had finished my studies and we both got a 'proper job' I started to feel a need for things to move on for the relationship to continue.

The next time it naturally came up in conversation I made this really clear to him but in a relaxed way and without giving him an ultimatum, so he knew where I stood. I figured I'd give hime a few months and re-evaluate.

Unbeknownst to me he was saving for a ring and we did get engaged a few months later. He said it helped to know where I stood but that he never felt pressured. Been married ten years now, DC2 on the way and we're happier than ever.

I hope it works out for you both x

SerBrienneOfHouseTarth · 31/03/2020 13:48

Just adding that if you've already had the conversation and he is very clear on what you want from the relationship then I would agree with the other posters saying it's time for the ultimatum :/

NiteFlights · 31/03/2020 14:03

I think it’s time for an ultimatum too.

What have you got to lose?

Either he wants to marry you, in which case he will, or he doesn’t, in which case you have the opportunity to meet someone else to have children with.

The money is a red herring. Nobody needs to pay off their mortgage before getting married, that is nonsensical.

timeisnotaline · 31/03/2020 14:14

My dh suggested we should buy a house before we got married. I said many people never bought a house so I didn’t think I needed that. Of course you can always find someone else instead who shares your priorities if you feel that strongly about it.

Have the chat one more time. I’ve been thinking and there is no way I want to celebrate a ten year anniversary with someone who doesn’t love me enough to have proposed and set a wedding date. I’d just spend the day in a flood of tears so it’s not happening. If we aren’t engaged before then I don’t think I can wait any longer and we should split up. I love you but I’m not a doormat, I deserve someone who loves and values me back.

ISpeakJive · 31/03/2020 15:21

Getting frustrating, he doesn't want kids before marriage as he disagrees with it.

So you’ve been together 9 years.
You’ve bought a house together.
You’re living together
And he yet doesn’t want kids until he’s married......
Excuses, excuses....

Inappropriatefemale · 31/03/2020 15:52

There is obviously commitment there though with the house you have together? He is just 27 and could change his mind in 3 years and you will only be 32, I would just ask him if babies are on the cards at all and if he says he doesn’t know that he wants them in the future then that’s a no to me, people instinctively know that they want kids or if they do not.

CrystalAlligator · 31/03/2020 16:32

When a man is sure about a woman and doesn’t want to risk losing her to someone else, he gets her down the aisle come hell or high water.

When a guy is ambivalent and keeping his options open? He doesn’t.

Same goes for women.

He’s not sure you’re the one he wants to be with for good. It’s such an insult. I’d be saying ‘you’ve been with me nearly a decade... what more do you need to find out about me before deciding if you want to commit?’

Healthyandhappy · 31/03/2020 20:22

U dont need to be married to have kids just stop taking pill and say if it happens it happens

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/03/2020 20:23

stop taking pill and say if it happens it happens

I assume this is a joke Hmm

Healthyandhappy · 31/03/2020 20:28

I asked my husband when he was going to propose he said no need as like an engagement as we lived together so I booked the wedding for august I asked him in the Jan when we were getting married. I met him aged 17 nrly 18 baby at 20 (whilst studying to be a nurse and yes I did finish degree) married at 21 2nd child at 25. Cant stand the man now tbh so make sure your sure about marriage but can have kids without marriage

Healthyandhappy · 31/03/2020 20:29

I meant stop taking pill and tell him u ain't on anything and say we either try or I'm of

1981m · 31/03/2020 20:41

I think you're both still young and you should just enjoy time as a couple while you can. Relax and enjoy being young.

I had the same problem with my dh, we were together 10 years before he proposed. I was getting worried, we had many talks about it. We nearly split up as dh said he didn't want kids, this was a deal breaker for me. I did tell him that but then left it. He then proposed and we now have two dcs. I think the thing is with men if they think you are trying to make them do something they dig their heels in and are less likely to do it, I think they need to get there in their own time. I would leave it for a bit after your last conversation, finish the decorating and wait.

Shesagambler · 31/03/2020 20:55

My partner was a procrastinator, like you're describing.
I actually fell pregnant, purely by accident with our first child before he put a ring on my finger. I assumed this would definitely push him into proposing.
It didn't.
4 years later, still no ring and he kept telling me there would be, I had to make a choice between leaving him or having a baby with him. Crazy I know. But I knew I wanted 2 children, so did he and our eldest was already 3.5 years old at this point.
I chose baby after much deliberation.
Very glad I did as I wouldn't want a bigger age gap (I wish it was smaller) but having the second child didn't get him to propose either.
At Christmas, after DC2s second birthday, I decided that if there was no proposal, it would mean separation.
We are now looking at separating.
Money has always been the issue for my exDP too. He hates spending it and has to do everytying perfectly. He wouldn't even consider a registry office as he feels his wedding would need to rival his friends weddings.
So nothing happens.
Obviously, because of coronavirus, my leaving plans have been halted, which is disappointing.
I'm now in my mid-thirties and nervous that I never will marry. I would love to have that stability and legal companionship. I don't even care about big weddings.
I'm glad I had my children, but wish I'd managed to persuade him to have the second child sooner, so that I could be free to find someone who will marry me that bit sooner.
Goodluck xx

AlexaAmbidextra · 31/03/2020 21:22

I actually fell pregnant, purely by accident with our first child before he put a ring on my finger. I assumed this would definitely push him into proposing.
It didn't.

but having the second child didn't get him to propose either.

Why on earth do women persist in this unrealistic expectation? All that happens is they end up as single parents. 🤷‍♀️

Patchworkpatty · 31/03/2020 21:31

The BEST ADVICE available is NEVER agree to a baby before marriage.! For a shit load of really important legal/financial reasons that have been explained in here a thousand times.

The ONLY advantages of marriage to a man (who earns more / will earn more whilst you are pregnant and on Mat leave) is children. Once children have arrived he doesn't need to offer marriage. The disadvantages to him are financial equality while you are raising them , in terms of earnings , pensions etc.

As the old saying goes.. who buys the cow when the milk comes for free.. extremely unpleasant and patriarchal but sadly true.

Propose to him. If he says no, you know the score.

Shesagambler · 31/03/2020 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shesagambler · 31/03/2020 21:39

But yes I still agree with what @Patchworkpatty is saying. I never in million years would agree to having a baby before marriage. However,my circumstances were very different as we already had one child together. I became pregnant on the pill with our first child during a swap over from one pill to another and a doctor incorrectly advising me that I was covered.
I am so so glad I have my children. The circumstances aren't ideal but I play the cards I'm dealt as best I can.
You still get to choose your cards x

Swipe left for the next trending thread