For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

I'm still here. I'm sorry you are so upset. I do hope it's the catalyst that gets you out of the relationship. And you're welcome.

@Idontkowmyname I had that moment 2 weeks ago, now he is trying to get me and the children to leave our home. He's a twat. I hope you're ok. You will get through this. We all will xx

@Crossroads19 have you had advice regarding that?

Yes, we have a joint mortgage. I foolishly thought he would put his kids wellbeing first and him rent somewhere for the next year or so until we get sorted, but he would rather stay here and force a sale. He has suggested that me and my kids leave, given the atmosphere. Funny that renting isn't good enough for him, but is totally fine for his kids!

I'm sorry he's so selfish. I hope it gets sorted and I'm really pleased you've had some proper advice.

Part of me really thought he would fight for us, but he didn't. I've had another rendition of what a shitty person I am tonight when I brought up him moving out. I wish he would just go
How are you?

I'm fine thanks. I hope it gets resolved soon.

It is what it is. There are people in much worse positions than me. I'm sure it will be fine thanks x

The police arrested my ex yesterday. No idea on anything other than bail conditions are to not come to the county I am currently in.

It wasnt me who had a flat? I'm staying with a friend and have housing getting sorted but thankyou x

Oh and not to contact me obviously.

@Mylittlepinkiepie so sorry !!

Are you ok?

To all the strong brave ladies on here
You can do it!!
Be strong
Stay safe

Don't put up with bad treatment
I used to wonder if I was imagining it or if t really was that bad after all hmmm
Now o can see just how awful it was
And life away from the abuser
IS HEAVEN !!!!!

@Mylittlepinkiepie Oh yes! You are so brave after everything he put you through. Do you have any injunctions in place?

I just wanted to thank you all especially OP again for being so kind and for this thread. I'm sorry for taking over it a bit. I didn't want that to happen. I'm guessing it's partly because of my bad experiences of support services that it might've been unstickied. I suppose it's difficult to balance because I know it's too late for me to have a chance to safely leave and be able to rebuild my life instead of just swapping one not great situation for another neverending bad one but I hoped by talking about the bad issues something might get sorted so it won't be bad for other women.

Anyway. Sorry about it all. I don't think anyone should be put off asking for support because of my situation. The combination of circumstances for me is not going to be how it is for most women. Health conditions, living in the place with no affordable housing and no local connection anywhere else, being older with no children. Most people will live in an area with more chance of housing or be with children so priority need or if older either be home owner so equity to buy or rent after temporary stay somewhere else or have social housing so can transfer if DV or if younger without children have time to rebuild their lives or people will have friends or family to turn to for help and support or they're in good health so can get live in work. The added problems of bad support service in my area and an awful GP experience. It's just bad luck for me but so unlikel for another woman to have all the issues together. So please ask for help and get away if you can. Don't end up like me.

I feel like I'm not meant to say about the problems but that means it won't get better. Anyway I'm thinking of asking for all my posts and other thread to be removed. That's why I'm posting today. I want to thank you for being so kind and let you know. I'm sorry because people have said it may help other women seeing my posts and the responses but I've been feeling very exposed recently and think it maybe safer not having all that information publicly. I'm not sure yet but just wanted you to know in case I do it.

@plantlife it's no problem at all. You do what you feel is best. All the best.

Sorry I forgot to let you know Shelter say the law hasn't changed yet about priority need for all victims. It's just I feel a bit victim blamed by the idea it's just about needing courage to leave and it's mainly mental health barriers. I know that's not the main reason for me and I think it's the same for some other women. I think it's the safe housing barrier. I know people say I can leave but I don't want to be in unsafe housing. I don't think that's strange or irrational.

It's also not just a what if or something I've read may be like. I lived it. I experienced it. I did years of horrible slum like mould ridden benefits type housing with shared facilities sometimes with addicts (who need help and understanding too but can be scary to live with when they need money for a fix or get into fights) or studio flats with a bed literally next to a cooker. When younger and healthier it was still horrible but I coped because I thought it wouldn't be forever and also because I could go out. I was on benefits briefly but mainly was studying or working (but low income so couldn't afford better housing). I remember often not wanting to go home and working late. Now I'm semi housebound it will be hell. I'd rather the odd bruise. I don't even know if he's coming back so that's the real danger for me. I'd still be at risk because if I don't move out and he gives notice he'll be furious if he loses deposit but the local agency will just say he's gone so you're not at risk. That's what happened sort of when they didn't offer help and said just call the police. They said they wouldn't help with housing.

I also have tried several times to find a place to privately rent. I didn't just look for an hour and give up. I spent days looking online, emailing, calling, and nowhere would accept me. I wasn't even on benefits at one point. I wasn't working but had some savings. Nowhere wanted me unless guarantor. I looked at the link you gave me for DSS housing. There was nothing in the budget it said I had. Only a few places that accepted dss at all and all wanted a guarantor or good credit record. Just one place said nothing about that. It's s completely different part of the country so I looked it up and it's in an area every online info and comment called no-go area. There's threads in here from landlords who won't even accept furloughed tenants in case they struggle with the rent. I'm not being a snob. I just want to be safe. I may as well stay with him.

Anyway sorry. Rambling but it's my last posts and may be deleting all if them soon. I forgot to say about Woman's Trust. Thank you so much for the suggestion. They can't help me. They don't cover my borough. They offer group workshops across London but not during the virus and anyway it's no good when I can't always get out. That's what I think is the problem. People see all these London support services and think there's lots of help but there isn't because they all have very narrow criteria like borough or age group (mainly young) or particular ethnicity or something else. I think it's good there's this support for different groups but I think it maybe seen by funders as if there's support for everyone here so no more funding needed so then people like me who don't live in the right borough or fit into a particular group are eligible.

The other thing is the housing priority need. Shelter website says the government is planning to change the law so all survivors have priority need but hasn't yet. So I face homelessness if I leave. My only chance is leaving the area completely but that's not possible during the virus. Nowhere will want me and I can't drive so can't safely get there. I thought about asking a neighbour but it's a big thing to ask someone who's had to hear me shouting to myself and blaming them. Lots of people only like to drive locally too.

I also saw women's aid report on the virus. They said most refuges can't take new referrals because of the risks. They can't risk someone bringing the virus in and obviously because of everyone trying to socially distance all the self contained is full and there's nowhere for people to move on to.

I'm sorry to go on about it all but I just need you understand it's not me not trying. I just don't see a safe way out for me. I'm sorry for being so negative. I suppose I wish there was something I haven't thought of but I don't think there is.

Please don't be put off anyone else. If you've got children and I suppose most of you do on this site you'll be housed by the council even if refuges are full. You will be priority need.

Sorry again for being so negative. I feel a bit defeated and terrified he won't come back. He's right that I need him. He helped make it like that but even if that's bad of him, now it's done that's it. It's like there's doctors who will patch up physical abuse damage but no patching up for financial abuse damage.

In case you don't believe me. This is the shelter information.

The council must help with emergency housing if you're classed as priority need.

You have an automatic priority need if:

you have children with you
you're pregnant
you're a care leaver under 21
Even if none of these apply, the council must help with emergency housing if they think you're vulnerable. For example, because of the abuse or due to physical or mental health problems.

The government plans to change the law so anyone fleeing domestic abuse is automatically in priority need. This change hasn't been introduced yet.

Sorry @12345kbm
I was so busy rambling I didn't see your post. Sorry.

I'll go away and think about whether to have my posts all removed.

Thank you and sorry again. Being really honest I do want help but I don't think there is any proper help for me in my circumstances. I really wish there was. I desperately hoped I was wrong and I someone would be able to help and someone could say here's some safe housing and a safe way out. I want what's not possible. I suppose before the virus I realised I had a chance if I got to a refuge in a different part of the country but it was hard finding a place. I think I would've managed it in the end but then the virus stopped that. I feel trapped now. I know it was mental as well because I was terrified but I think it's not that mental because relocating to an unknown area is hard for anyone and to do it with no money, no friend or family support, bad health, semi housebound, leaving a difficult maybe traumatic way, was terrifying. I was trying very hard to get myself to do it through. Without support in real life I took ages to see a way out but got support here on my old thread but then the virus happened. I wish I could go back in time and have more guts before too late but that's not possible. Anyway sorry again. It's helped I think to vent. I'm sorry for bringing the thread down. I really really hope anyone else here gets away. I really do. Please don't end up like me.

@plantlife you are heard loud and clear. Let's hope things work out for you at some point. I believe there is a thread for those in unsatisfactory relationships who can't leave. I'll link it here if you are interested.

Here you are Support thread trapped in an unhappy relationship and can't leave can't leave yet You might find it more helpful.

I'm sorry for upsetting you. I didn't mean to make you upset or angry. I suppose you maybe feel like I've ruined your thread by talking about the negative stuff. I'm sorry if that's what you feel. I thought it was for anyone in abusive relationships but I suppose it's still not the place to go on about official barriers like housing to leaving maybe. Sorry. I thought it may help if people understood it's not always just about finding strength to leave. I see so many threads where people go on about that and thought people needed to know the reality so there's maybe hope it can get better.

Anyway. Sorry again. Please let me know if you'd like my posts removed. I completely understand and won't be offended. I don't want to ruin this thread.

I appreciate the link but I've decided not to post publicly anymore. Unless I'm really desperate for help. I don't think it's for me anyway because I think it says it's for people not in violent abuse situations. Anyway I always end up making people angry and turning them against me. I don't do it intentionally. I just don't think I'll ever be properly normal.

Sorry again. I promise I totally understand if you want my posts deleted. It's not offensive to me to ask that. I want other women to get help and feel like this is the thread for them. It's too late for me. I have a lot more than loads of people including my own bathroom and kitchen and enough food and safe comfortable bed. I'm going to be grateful for what I have. I wanted to help make things better for future but not if it hurts your thread sorry. I promise I won't post again. I've taken over too much already. I'll try to think over possibilities and keep options open and also it helped talking over with people as I felt very alone. I think I've done enough of that now.

I'm not angry with you at all. I'm just trying to find other ways that you can be supported. The thread I linked to is for people for people in abusive relationships, as the OP is in an abusive relationship herself. It's for those who aren't ready to leave which you're not - I thought it would be perfect for you.

I’m feeling a bit teary and overwhelmed by his behaviour and the daunting mountain ahead of me once restrictions reduce.

Can’t believe I’m married to an asshole and that he’s also the father of my children. The worst part is that as a result will forever be connected.
At least they have each other I suppose, I just feel on my own and I don’t even have Wilson for company(random castaway reference)

I got the random castaway reference. You have me if that makes you feel any better, you're not alone.

What is the mountain ahead of you? Do you mean working out where to go from here?

Yes op, it’s trying to put steps in place to get finances sorted and find somewhere for me to live and have the dc when I have contact. He’d demand 50% custody as a minimum and I wouldn’t put it past him to play nasty and try and claim I’m an unfit mother so he can get full custody.

Have you had any legal advice?