For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

[HeartbreakHotelier]

@plantlife You CAN go through with it. You can do this! This is exactly why I said to not focus on anything other than getting to the refuge for the time being.
You already spoke to people in your new area and you were incredibly buoyed - people were nice and very helpful to you. People are humans - with variations in human feelings. Maybe you got someone on a bad day yesterday. Maybe you got someone who happens to be a twat generally. It doesn't take away from the fact that you DID speak to people there before who were lovely. And you felt great. You can't let individual people change big life decisions for you. You can't let one specific person's moods completely overhaul your vision.

You were so reassured and uplifted to know that this is all possible, and that people care. THAT IS ALL STILL THE CASE. Anything to do with the specifics of your council, food shops, health services, are secondary right now, because (remind yourself of this): anything is better than the situation you are in now. Where you are FEELS more comforting, quite simply because it's what you're used to. But remember what you said yourself a few days back - he could be back home soon and he will make your life a living nightmare. And if you pass up this opportunity, two weeks down the line you will be bitterly kicking yourself that you let it slip between your fingers, all because Sandra who was manning the phones on Tuesday happens to be a complete cow!

Stop worrying about the details and practicalities of your new place just yet. You are wasting so much energy and emotion and stress on doing that. It's unimportant in the immediate.

Remember you only have two things to do: pack this bag with your documents, prescriptions and sentimental things, and book a cab.

They said you have to make a decision about the refuge now today, right? Is that it? Do something nice for yourself @plantlife, try and help yourself. You are letting overwhelming options and possibilities flood your mind all over again. HE has done this to your mind. He has made it that you're like a rabbit in headlights. You can repair that. You can get better physically and mentally. In a year, you might barely recognise yourself now, you'll have come so far. But it all starts with this step right here: getting to the refuge. I repeat: THAT is the only thing that matters, in this precise moment. Please try and see clearly.

If I've understood correctly, this evening you could be in your bed, in your room, in a new place where you can start afresh and get all the help you need. I know that's terrifying when someone has broken your spirit the way he has, but deep down inside you - doesn't it also make you feel excited and hopeful?

You are worth this @plantlife, you are worth care and a new start. There are people out there in your new area who will be helping you. Please have faith in yourself and show yourself a little love.

[Ogham]

@plantlife delighted to hear you are in touch with the charities. Stop over thinking and as @HeartbreakHotelier says just book a taxi - it’s the easiest option. Just wear a mask and get to your destination.
Don’t get tangled up in food deliveries etc, that will be sorted after you get to your destination.
I remember you mentioned family in a different area. Forget about obstacles such as distance and hospital files (which can be easily transferred) and health care (which your ‘partner’ won’t let you avail if anyway). Would you not just return to your family and get sorted from there. Another obstacle - elderly parents (cocoon in a bedroom for 2 weeks like many others have had to do).
Just get out of there and away from the situation you’re in.

[plantlife]

I almost didn't reply because I know everyone will be even more fed up and annoyed but I needed to and don't want to lie.

Anyway sorry I failed to do anything today.
I'm trying not to worry about all the fears but can't help it. Maybe it's not urgent anyway. He isn't here and may not come back. The virus is spreading again so he'll stay working from home.

I panicked about housing after refuge and think I need to find a refuge somewhere where housing is more accessible after. Either social housing availability or private housing where landlords accept benefits. I keep seeing threads where people say some parts of the country are like that although I'm scared it's only places where I'm stand out like a sore thumb, my accent, etc and be a target for bullying because of not being from there.

I'm terrified of either street homeless or hostel housing. I'd rather he killed me. Sorry for feeling like that but it's not something I'd cope with. It's a very lonely miserable and scary experience living like that. It's not like I've got children to be strong for. I'd be on my own in the world in horrible conditions.

The news about Leicester and maybe more local lockdowns is saying how bad overcrowded shared housing is a big reason why higher virus rates and deaths in some areas.
People on a thread about Leicester talk about garment factory workers living in overcrowded housing, 10 people to a room.
That's the only sort of housing where landlords in many areas will take benefits tenants.
I can't help thinking there's no point leaving him for that.
Sorry for any confusion. Parents were like my partner. Abusive, violent. Can't stay with them. No other family. Sibling moved abroad.

It's not what ifs, that's the problem. I've experienced all the things I'm scared about. I'm too scared a refuge simply won't take me, will say they're not equipped to help the needs of all victims (my local one says that on its website from before the virus so nothing to do with virus).
They probably can't take women who need food deliveries instead of going themselves to the shops.

Maybe I could just about manage the shop issue with support but the housing thing still frightens me so much.
I've experienced being at homeless department (before I met him) and being told they wouldn't help. I genuinely still find thinking about that worse than anything he's done to me. Realising how vulnerable I was with no safety net. It's a big reason why I ignored red flags with him and stayed after the first violence.
My local council admitted health conditions wouldn't make eligible for housing with them. A neighbouring council wouldn't house a pensioner in his 60s who was recovering from a heart attack and had other health conditions. He was sleeping in his car after being unable to work. So I can't help needing to think about what happens after refuge. If I was fit and well and younger I'd take the risk. I'd also look for live-in jobs.

Anyway. Sorry for letting everyone down.
I won't keep posting. I know it's the same issues and problems here. I know I'm giving round in circles. I realise there's nothing that can be done.

I don't know for sure if the refuge place had gone. Depends if someone else has needed the place. I'll try to discuss my fears with them tomorrow but also look at maybe more appropriate areas for housing.
I have to deal with my virus fears too. I panicked about the refuge rooms being contaminated. I'm going to take bleach with me if I finally ever leave.

[plantlife]

I've not been able to sleep again. I think I'm feeling too overwhelmed with fear and worry. I wish I'd had RL support with all this but my local area is bad at helping people who need help.

Anyway I just wanted to say I'm definitely not coming back ever to this thread. I don't feel comfortable staying on someone else's thread. To be honest I'd rather not post again at all because I know people have had it with me. I don't want to be the guest who won't go home after the party's ended, but however pathetic it is I've decided I need to keep posting at times when I feel like this. It won't be on this thread though. I'm sorry to make a fuss by writing this, flouncing I suppose. I don't want it seemike that but I can't cope with shutting up so had to say how I felt. Also although most people have had it with me, some of you were being so kind and posting to me. I just wanted to tell you before I stopped posting here. Also in case people see any future posts and wonder why I'm not coming back here.

I know I should get the message and shut up and not post again anywhere here and either leave or shut up, but I'm feeling so cut off and alone and feel this stupid need to be out there in the real world in some way. I'd rather not feel this way though as I'm fully aware people have well and truly had enough of me. I know how people will be sighing and thinking shut up, stop moaning you self pitying time waster. If I had dignity I'd go away completely but I admit it. I feel desperate to post sometimes. I admit also I don't know that I'll leave because I'm too scared of it all but I promise I'm not giving up and will keep trying to get to a better situation if it's possible for me to have.
I know people are annoyed and think it's me playing a game or wanting drama. I can't make anyone believe me. All I can do is be honest including my feelings.

I also wanted to post to try to help make things better for future women. So maybe things get better like with more support, no more postcode lottery for support, and the housing issues. I genuinely don't know if I'll ever get through this so want to speak out whilst I still can.
I'm resigned to it probably never getting better because not enough people care, but it's worth trying. I don't know why some people including OP lost patience with me because I was honest from the start that I wasn't expecting help and just wanted to raise awareness of the situation like the housing barrier. I also feel victim blamed when people refuse to believe me. I see posts where victims haven't been believed or supporter by police and posters believe and support them. In my case it wasn't the police. It was my local DV services. Why can't people believe some are no good? There's no national standard for them, no set procedures, they even all have different High Risk thresholds. There's no inspections like there is with schools and GPs. If a DV service is shit or fails or even gaslights it's clients, there's nothing the victim can do. Why am I not believed. Most are fantastic. So kind, doing so much and under so much pressure, but just as there are a minority of abusive doctors or police or other positions of power,so there are a minority of abusive or nasty DV workers.
When I say my local DV service wouldn't help me, I mean it. I begged them for help. I know I ideally need an advocate. I wish there was mystery shopping for DV services. My local one was downright nasty and I'm confident I'm not the only woman let down by them. When they first failed to help me, they didn't know I had no kids so I worry about other women with vulnerable children who weren't helped by them.
It's upsetting to be told, to see other women told the same, and to realise it myself, that it's not something to do on your own without support. I just wish I'd had an advocate to fight for me to get the help I needed, an advocate who'd fight for what's appropriate for my individual circumstances especially the housing issue. Feeling sorry for myself. Probably lack of sleep.

Anyway. Sorry again. It's just I see so much Why Didn't She Leave things and people thinking all you need to do to get help is call a number. If only that was true.

Anyway he's not here now so my local service is probably right. No need to leave. No recent DV. Unless phone threats count but there's no proof of that for all the gatekeeping services.

Sorry and thank you again. I want to shut up but just had to explain why you might see a post by me again (not thus thread) just in case you noticed it.

[plantlife]

I know I said I'd never come back to this thread but nevermind. I've alienated everyone already so it doesn't matter if you get more annoyed.
I'm just so upset at being victim blamed.
Read this thread.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3967856-To-say-about-bloody-time-No-DSS-landlords-breaking-the-law

Landlord after landlord explaining they won't let to benefit tenants. Refuge is temporary.

The linked thread explains what I'd face after. No safe or secure home. The opposite. After initial temp help due to DV I'd be so vulnerable. No children so further down the line (once no longer DV risk) I'd have no housing at all from councils. I'd forever face street homelessness or living amongst possibly violent men. It's too dangerous to leave. I'm not young and healthy. Possibly with time and a safe home I'd be able to recover enough to work again, but that's not possible without a safe home in the first place. Him killing me would be the kinder option.

I understand people here can't help. I wish there was a magic wand to help but I know there isn't. I'm resigned to it but wanted to speak out to try to help other women. It's unlikely to change I know but if I'm not going to make it through this myself I might as well try to help others whilst I can.
It was also nice to have support and a safe place to express it all. I've done that now but needed people to believe me. It felt like double abuse being told I'm making excuses. Look at the thread linked.

[yogi1]

Hi. I posted on here awhile ago about leaving my husband due to DV . I've been living with my daughter since January. I had a DV outreach worker helping but has not returned calls/text for last month. I left because of my husbands behaviour towards me over the last roughly 5 yea

[yogi1]

Sorties sent by mistake. Since I've lived in new house everyday is awful. I awake up to 3 times a night either having dreamt of my husband being with other women and being how he used to be and getting on successfully to the opposite of images of him raping me ( he hasNt) whilst blaming me and it all being my fault and it's now July and still going on. Everyday Zi am crying in thinking I have done the wrong thing. Because of being with him we have been able to move all around the country in lovely places because of the work he does. Also he says what he did was temper tantrums when they were seen by me as a bit more than that and he said he was just stressed at the time as his father was dying. I'm now in a council house with my daughter(she's fine) and not able to work due to ill health. I keep thinking that I've done the wrong thing. He doesn't want me back and is cracking on with date sites. I'm still as much in love with him as I was when we first started 21 years ago. His life is looking great, he visits his friends/family has just inherited money and a new camper and a pay rise. I've just home from A and E since last week with further medical problems. I've got messages in my head from therapists I've seen 2 years ago telling me to work on my marriage but I've been too unwell and under quite a few hospitals whereas the DV worker was telling me he was the abuser and perpetrator and I did the right thing. But I love him so much. We were together 21 years and feel I should have stayed and worked harder. My life is awful, apart from being with my daughter, even now every night I'm having nightmares and wake thinking I've ruined the best thing I had. He's got even fitter and looking after himself, I've not seen him angry and resentful and now it appears I've chucked the most important thing away. I've now got no family and friends and due to this extra health problems cannot even walk far. I feel so sad. I dread going to bed because of the nightmares and dread when I wake up to realise what I've lost. All of the things he's said before keep going through my mind during the day. And also stories in magazines, on tv, or other parents here saying how they worked on problems with their husbands, lost weight, did themselves up to look better to be more attractive to their husbands and I've done none of it as I',be been completely focussed on the ill health Zi've got. My own parents had problems such as affairs and there was some DV but they worked through things with each other and were fine and together before my mum died. I just feel like such a useless piece of shit who should have tried harder. He's the only person I've wanted to be with and now it's gone. Everything I do is the wrong thing and now he's back to where he was when we first met. I know it's unlikely someone will respond to this but if there's anyone who could say something then please do as I feel like my heart has been torn out. Thank you

[yogi1]

Sorties sent by mistake. Since I've lived in new house everyday is awful. I awake up to 3 times a night either having dreamt of my husband being with other women and being how he used to be and getting on successfully to the opposite of images of him raping me ( he hasNt) whilst blaming me and it all being my fault and it's now July and still going on. Everyday Zi am crying in thinking I have done the wrong thing. Because of being with him we have been able to move all around the country in lovely places because of the work he does. Also he says what he did was temper tantrums when they were seen by me as a bit more than that and he said he was just stressed at the time as his father was dying. I'm now in a council house with my daughter(she's fine) and not able to work due to ill health. I keep thinking that I've done the wrong thing. He doesn't want me back and is cracking on with date sites. I'm still as much in love with him as I was when we first started 21 years ago. His life is looking great, he visits his friends/family has just inherited money and a new camper and a pay rise. I've just home from A and E since last week with further medical problems. I've got messages in my head from therapists I've seen 2 years ago telling me to work on my marriage but I've been too unwell and under quite a few hospitals whereas the DV worker was telling me he was the abuser and perpetrator and I did the right thing. But I love him so much. We were together 21 years and feel I should have stayed and worked harder. My life is awful, apart from being with my daughter, even now every night I'm having nightmares and wake thinking I've ruined the best thing I had. He's got even fitter and looking after himself, I've not seen him angry and resentful and now it appears I've chucked the most important thing away. I've now got no family and friends and due to this extra health problems cannot even walk far. I feel so sad. I dread going to bed because of the nightmares and dread when I wake up to realise what I've lost. All of the things he's said before keep going through my mind during the day. And also stories in magazines, on tv, or other parents here saying how they worked on problems with their husbands, lost weight, did themselves up to look better to be more attractive to their husbands and I've done none of it as I',be been completely focussed on the ill health Zi've got. My own parents had problems such as affairs and there was some DV but they worked through things with each other and were fine and together before my mum died. I just feel like such a useless piece of shit who should have tried harder. He's the only person I've wanted to be with and now it's gone. Everything I do is the wrong thing and now he's back to where he was when we first met. I know it's unlikely someone will respond to this but if there's anyone who could say something then please do as I feel like my heart has been torn out. Thank you

[plantlife]

I wasn't going to come back here but just saw your post on my Threads You're On thing.

I guess I'm not the best person to advise but I'm so sorry to hear how things are going. I remember you trying to help me and being so strong about having got away. I know it won't seem like it as I'm still not left but you were so inspiring. I read your posts where you wrote about how things were with your ex. He is definitely abusive. It's so so hard though. I feel so desperately that I just want everything to be alright with my partner. I think people who haven't been through it maybe don't fully understand how deep the emotional trauma is. I'm aware of being emotionally traumatised but just because I'm aware of it doesn't mean I find it easy to sort out. I guess it's similar for you. There's so much focus from DV services on getting us out but sometimes the need for support in recovering after is forgotten or dismissed. Physical injuries are patched up but the trauma and other damage (financial or emotional) often doesn't get enough support. I have the nightmare flashback stuff too. I think it's PTSD. Have you had any help with possible PTSD?

It's stupid because I feel I can see how you need to stay away from your ex but at the same time know how you're feeling and feel similar. It's very very hard to deal with any change when traumatised. Then if physical health is a problem too it means we can't do some of the things fully fit people can do to work on recovery. Meeting people, going out for coffee, walks, etc.

I don't know if this helps but your daughter is so much better off being away from him. You can give her a safe loving home in a safe secure council home. It's so horrible growing up in fear, on eggshells.

I don't know if you have any support? Is your support worker usually good? Maybe she's off sick or on holiday. Is she an IDVA? Maybe you could ask for a family support worker too. Have you asked the GP about trauma therapy? I've just asked for me. I think it's not easily available on the NHS so the sooner you start the process the better. There's some charities that offer it too although unfortunately it's a postcode lottery. Also maybe support from a charity involved in your physical health problems? Some have forums and offer social interaction with others who understand.

It's so hard and lonely after a long abusive relationship. I don't remember properly who I really am anymore. It's been so isolating, and then you see them getting on with life seeming to be doing well, but he's still an abuser and dangerous.

Sorry for probably not offering much help. Sorry for the long ramble too. I wish I could help more. I really hope you are able to get trauma support and be able to rebuild. With a secure home, maybe eventually you could look at hobbies or jobs you can do from home, once you're able. It's harder with physical health issues to rebuild but there's so much online opportunity now. I know it's not the same as going out but it's something to focus on maybe.

[plantlife]

Just thought maybe it might be worth starting a new thread. I think people have left this thread so if you start a new one hopefully other people will see it and be able to offer you more advice - or just support. Sometimes just being able to post about things helps especially if in a supportive environment.

[yogi1]

Thank you x