For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

Plantlife, I'm not sure what risks are involved in making some phone calls.

I can understand if your abusive partner was there with you and that it was dangerous for you but he's not. This is the ideal opportunity for you to escape.

You have been doing so well. You contacted your Dr, you've contacted the council, you contacted Shelter, you registered for housing and you've been posting here. That is a lot. You should feel really proud of yourself.

Why don't you contact the DV organisation today and get some support?

I'm really sorry. I just typed a stupid long ramble. It all just sort of falls out of me. I want to explain properly and also I suppose even though it really annoys people being so repetitive and long in my posts I feel like I need to say somewhere what happened in case I don't make it through all this.

I suppose the risk is literally leaving. I'm scared of catching the virus on transport. I've realised I've been subconsciously waiting for it to be less dangerous before doing anything but then he'll be back once it's safer to travel. A big part of me also wants him to be with me again so I know if I still need to leave. I keep thinking about being hugged. I've seen people talking about hugs being important so it's not me being stupid is it? I'm thinking maybe he'll be ok now after the virus brings home how important people in your life are but I suppose it's wishful thinking.

The other main big risk I'm worried about is if they say I'm a vulnerable adult. I don't think I am but I'm so scared of not being allowed any control and maybe it also makes it more likely he'll be arrested. It's a big mess because my old doctor messed something up and tried to make out I was in need of sectioning. I have proof they messed up and other patients complained about issues there. One had a GMC complaint upheld. Being honest I was looking into a negligence claim but can't obviously now with the virus and know I'd be hated anyway even if I could go ahead with it because obviously doctors are risking their lives with the virus. I think most are really good but there are a few negligent or abuse of power ones.

It doesnt look good for me. There's that time the police called an ambulance for me and wanted a mental health assessment. It was after he'd been violent but I couldn't tell them and my clothes covered the injuries. He told them I was suicidal after he said he'd leave. I didn't tell them the truth because I was so scared of being homeless. I kept talking about homelessness to the police. I was trying to tell them that's why I wouldn't talk about what he'd done to me but it made them believe him. I thought they'd realise the truth because the call to the police was from me and they'd heard his violent threats in the background. Another time there was a police welfare check on me. It was after another bad time with my partner but they think it was me being mentally ill.

Sorry just one more risk. I'm scared of being vulnerable and dependent on services that were already stretched before the virus. There's been several times I would have had no food at all or my medication if it wasn't for him. A few times it was like going round in circles with some services. One advice place made me an appointment to have an appointment when there was a problem with my benefits and by the time a proper appointment was free it was after the DWP deadline. If it wasn't for him I don't know what I'd have done.

Please don't think he's a really bad person. All the incidents happened ages and ages ago and were isolated incidents. It's not been like that for ages. I was difficult and I suppose I do have some mental health issues. Maybe if I work on those it will be ok with him?

Sorry I promise I'm going away now. One more risk. I know I need to let go of this because they're not all like this but I can't help feeling scared it will happen again. I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen. The charity turning nasty overnight. The helpline I mentioned did that. I called several times over a few months and finally trusted them. They said they'd do an anonymous risk assessment and then I promised I'd give my details. I got a different person that time though. She wasn't nice but I stupidly didn't use my instincts. I'd spoken to her once before and she was horrible so next time I called and recognised her voice I hung up. This time I stupidly didn't recognise her until too late. I think because I was so hyped up ready to trust with my details.

I don't know what happened or why but she dismissed loads of stuff I told her. The online sex stuff, she said that doesn't matter because it's ages ago. I understand if it's not relevant for risk assessment but it was the first time I'd ever told anyone and the way she dismissed it really made be feel funny. Like ashamed and a fraud. I told her about when he choked me but I explained I could breathe and he said he was just restraining me. She said so he was just restraining you and didn't seem to understand he wasn't. She was really dismissive of lots of stuff. At that stage the police had been out 4 times in the past few months so it was a more intense time than now. It was their closing time so I called them back the next day and it was like everything changed overnight. Suddenly the nice two people there were really cold with me. I don't know what the horrible one told them but they said their manager had decided they weren't funded to help me after all and they denied promising they would. They told me I was only allowed 20 minutes calls from then. I didn't know what to say. I hadn't planned on ongoing calls so didn't understand why they needed to say that. It made me feel like a nuisance and a fraud. I genuinely had let myself trust them and I was ready to give my details. I don't know what that woman said. Anyway I'm genuinely sorry for more rambling. I need to stop. I suppose also all this sounds like me making it up or exaggerating. It's not but I should shut up about it.

Anyway I know I need to go away and shut up and actually do something about the problems so I suppose I need to take some risks. I promise I'll try but I want to be honest that I'm aware I may not have the courage.

I know you've said before and I'm sorry for being so wary of trusting. Just so scared of possible him being arrested. If I contact the charity even if they say I'm a vulnerable adult and I'm not one, would they definitely not arrest him. I'm sorry I understand if it's not possible for anyone to know for sure.
The second question is I just don't feel strong enough to do it all again on the phone. Do you think they'd mind if I sent a link to my old thread. I understand if that's too much to ask of them.

Plantlife, I completely understand what you are saying but we're talking about making some phone calls here in order to get some information so you can have a think about what you want to do.

There is no pressure on you to do anything you don't want to do.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with the helpline. However, you spoke to the other organisation and they were nice. They're waiting for you to call them back.

It's also an ideal opportunity for you to organise housing while the government have granted those fleeing DV permanent housing.

Make the calls and we'll take it from there.

I'm sorry I know how frustrating I'm being.
I couldn't cope with him being arrested and particularly if he was charged. It's too much to cope with as well as leaving. I still care about him but also he'll destroy me.
I suppose I have to take that risk or not get help but hopefully if I leave him they won't need to arrest him, maybe a bit like how social services won't the the child away if you leave the abuser.

I'm still really scared about the housing. I don't want to stay here and won't feel safe once the virus goes as his links here but I suppose I'm still stuck for now although I think people are travelling more now so maybe places outside here will take me now?

I've decided I need to email the charity. I can't explain it but it's like I freeze up and I can't explain properly on the phone.
I hope they don't mind me emailing. It's all I feel I can do. I don't feel the strength to do it verbally again. It's hard also because it's not easy to talk privately. The neighbours hear a lot and I'm still scared about if he's recording me. It's psychological but it's like a gag.

My other option is emailing the care coordinator at my GP but I'm scared that's more chance of police involvement.

Sorry. I'm going to try to email them tomorrow. I admit I'll use an anonymous email at first but then I'll give my details if they can help.

Plantlife, they aren't going to go to the police.

I thought you said that the domestic abuse organisation won't communicate with you via email and it had to be over the phone. That was the sticking point last time.

You can leave the property, find somewhere where no one can hear you and make a call. If you go to Boots, ask for the 'consultation room' and you can make as many phone calls as you want there. No one can hear you and it's entirely private. You can use their phone if you think yours is tapped.

I'm sorry if I got it wrong. I thought I'd be allowed to email them. When I said about them saying they didn't have an email everyone was telling me they should have one. Please don't waste any more of your time replying. You've given me enough of your time. I'll just have to try to do something or stay like this I suppose. I felt a need to post things in case I don't get myself through all this so I hope that was ok. I don't know if I can make it to a boots. I don't want to go to a pharmacy with the virus risk but also I haven't even taken the bins out because of shame over the neighbours. I'll just have to try to get myself over that and hopefully I can.
Anyway hopefully they'll let me email or maybe I'll try emailing the national helpline or the care coordinator. It's been suggested to me a few times about emailing my thread and I think it's the only way I can cope with asking for help now. I suppose I won't lose anything if I try. If they don't want to read it or help that way I suppose I won't be any worse than now but maybe they will help. I hope that makes sense. Anyway thank you again for all your help. I hope all the other women here, all of you manage to get away and get a better situation.

Popping back in.

I left my ex a few weeks ago (my previous posts are around page 20).

I reported what's been going on to the police. Because I've left the area the local police force are going to do a video interview with me tomorrow. This will then be passed to the force where it all happened.

The force where it happened have actually arrested me before. They didnt listen to me at the time. They ignored the bruises I told them hed caused. They seemed to think I was saying it to get out of trouble.

I found some emails I sent when he did it. Which was 4 weeks before the arrest so I'll be using those aswell.

I dont trust them at all but they did seem to show concern at the end. I'm hoping they investigate it anyway. There is quite a lot of sexual abuse aswell. Some of which I now have medical evidence of and I'm going to sign some forms to release my medical records. The nurses did ultrasound images and said theyd never seen anything like it and they said theyd written a report about what theyd seen on the ultrasound.

I have a feeling my ex will say I consented, I knew and even maybe that it was actually my idea to involve others. But I know he sent his ex text messages discussing whether to tell me, whether I'd do certain things. So if they go looking the evidence is there and I've written a lot down and now I've remembered a lot of the order it happened in I'm more confident about people listening and seeing what's happened.

I'm hoping he admits it all and they put him in a hospital somewhere because I'm pretty sure this will end up in the papers and stuff if he goes to jail. I dont want it. I dont want a trial. I just want him to cave and admit what the fuck he did to me.

@plantlife If you haven't taken your bin out for two months you'll attract rats. If you are struggling that much, I really suggest you contact your GP and care coordinator. People really don't give others that much headspace @plantlife and many have other things going on right now. They aren't thinking about you so try not to feel ashamed.

Let me know what your care coordinator says.

@Mylittlepinkiepie well done for contacting the police. Did that flat work out? If not, contact the council and say you are homeless because of domestic abuse. You should be housed.

Have you got any support regarding all this as it's a lot to do by yourself. Survivor's Trust may be able to support you: 08088 010 818 Mon - Thur 10am-6pm Fri 10am-2pm

Another organisation to call would be Victim Support. 08 08 16 89 111 It's open 24/7

It's very common for abusers to claim to be victims. I hope the police do help you and don't dismiss your claims as it sounds very serious.

You can get legal advice from Rights of Women or FLOWS 0203 745 7707 9am-5pm Monday to Friday

I've made myself sound disgusting and more mentally ill than I am. I know it's not ok and I need to get over it but it's so hard. We're in the same building. I'm so so ashamed and I know they have their more important worries and more interested in their own lives but one of them came to the door and complained a while back and I've heard the others talking about it. I understand why they were angry because it's awful for them. It's not just the shouting and violence they've heard but also really personal things he's shouted about me and also me having mini meltdowns. That's partly why I'm so ashamed because I'm not totally an innocent person. I've been awful. Anyway it's not as bad as it sounds about the bins. I took them out a month ago. I got up very early before anyone was awake and I'm going to do the same thing again. There's almost no food waste, no meat or fish, and they're triple bagged. Anyway I'll try to get help. Thanks again for the help and advice. I'm sorry to everyone again if I don't leave. I'll try to sort myself out but I'll be honest that I don't know if I can do it. Sorry. I needed to vent here really I suppose, maybe just it helps saying some of the things that happened just so it's known out there on the real world and also it's mentally offloaded which helps. I've done that now so I want to go away unless I have updates or I suppose if I'm feeling desperate. I want other women to post and get help here now. Please don't think I'm saying that to get a please stay response. I genuinely mean it and wanted to reassure people I know I can't keep going round in circles here. I've had a lot of support here and I'm very grateful and now it's up to me.

I don't think you sound disgusting at all. I think you sound very anxious. The neighbours are probably very concerned about you.

I really think you should contact your care coordinator like you said.

I'm sorry I know I shouldn't keep coming back rambling. I know this is paranoid and massively oversensitive but I suppose I'm feeling extra sensitive after giving away so much so publicly about how bad I've got at the moment. Sorry I know it's most likely not to do with me but was that deleted message someone being disgusted about me like maybe the bin stuff or not leaving yet? Sorry I can't help feeling paranoid about that.

I hope it's ok to ask a few questions now I'm here again. I understand if nobody knows. I'm also really sorry for going round in circles and not doing anything.

I've decided not to contact the care coordinator. I don't want to be sectioned or forced onto any mental health things. I know I'm very stressed and scared and maybe I think it's PTSD but I don't think I'm seriously mentally ill. It's playing into his hands. He says he'd destroy me and say I was mental.

I think the only thing I feel able to try is emailing my old thread to the national charity. I don't know if they'll mind?I understand if they've no time to read it but I don't want to make them annoyed.

I think I need to wait until he's back and if things get bad before trying to leave? The charities are inundated now and I'm not a priority with him away. They'd say I'm safe at the moment. I was told once ages ago, before the virus, I didn't need to leave yet when he'd walked out. It was after a violent rage incident. I wanted to leave straight away because I was scared about what he'd be like when he got back and also before I lost my nerve but they said to wait until normal opening hours, 9-5, or call the police. They didn't offer any support with the police and didn't seem to care when I said I'd need somewhere to go if I called the police. I also can't stop thinking about the local service that told me they couldn't give me a refuge space just in case something happened. He'd been threatening me the night before and I told them about past violence.

I'm sorry to go on about bad experiences. I can't seem to get past this mental freeze barrier.I'm not doing it deliberately. It's like almost a physical barrier gagging me when I try to call somewhere. It was so hard and scary to ask for help and when it wasn't given and even worse when they were horrible it was worse than what he did. It's partly my fault it got so bad. I antagonised them. Someone once encouraged me to complain to the manager to get proper help. I tried to do it diplomatically but it just made things worse

I'm sorry for coming back rambling again. I wasn't going to keep posting but got stupidly paranoid after seeing the deleted post. I know it's probably nothing to do with me. Feeling bit negative today anyway. Realised housing association chances hopeless. I was priority category but never made it to number one on the list before reapplication time. I was very close but this year with the virus nobody's going to move out so no chance of a place coming up. I suppose it's my fault last year. I might've been higher in the list but told them violence all in the past. Anyway sorry I'll snap out of being so negative. It's just so hard to stop panicking about the housing issues if I leave. I saw another thread talking about rat infested emergency housing with another borough. Everyone was saying like they always do on housing threads how bad emergency accomodation is. Saying how it's to be avoided at all costs, how there are dangerous violent people there, which I know from past experiences of hanging out with people who lived in hostels when I was younger. I suppose I need to stop panicking. It may be ok. I promise I really will shut up now. I don't want to keep annoyingly repeat myself. It helped to express everything but I think I've done it all now.

@plantlife I don't have time to answer this properly right now but can I assure you 100% that the deleted post was absolutely nothing to do with you. No one is disgusted, you are not disgusting - you're human and we all struggle from time to time.

@plantlife, it's been explained to you that if you contact the council and explain that you're fleeing domestic abuse and will be made homeless, that you should be considered 'priority need'. It's also been advised that you contact Shelter just to make sure that's the case.

I think copy and pasting your post is a great idea. However, I would email it to the actual domestic abuse charity you have been in contact with.

I really suggest that you maintain contact with your GP regarding your tumour and your anxiety. I also suggest that you email the Women's Trust about therapy as it sounds as though you need support. This is very hard to do alone, you'd feel a lot better if you had some support.

It's a really bad idea to wait for your abuser to be back living with you before you do anything as what you can do will be severely restricted. It is also detrimental to your mental health.

I really hope you find a way through this.

Thank you so much for being so kind and I'm sorry to have taken so much of your time. Thank you again. I suppose I might as well be honest here because it's anonymous and although it will make people annoyed I need to let it out. I suppose I don't know if I'll leave. I admit it's more than just the housing but it's always been my worst fears and I'll rather be hit than go through more awful experiences with it. I'm sorry that sounds bad and spoilt. I wish so much I could just get a place myself without needing to be dependent on other people who may not want or be able to help. I wish it was possible to just rent somewhere even without being able to work for now. My bits and pieces are like my security blanket. I wish I could leave normally with no stress of risk assessments and stuff like that. Just rent somewhere and get a removal van. I know that's impossible. It's frightening being this vulnerable. The strangers I need to ask for housing will care less about me than he does. He says I need him. He's made me need him but he's not all bad. It's partly because he cares and wants to look after me. The emergency priority need housing where Iive is terrifying but maybe I'm panicking. Maybe some is ok but then I think need to leave the area, the whole city as he has links all over and he won't want me to leave him but it's scary leaving what I know. Anyway I suppose I'll try to pull myself together next week. The tumour is 99% likely benign so it's not a big worry. I'll get it checked when hospitals are safe. Thank you again. I know it's up to me what to do next. I thought the national charity was better if I want to leave the area but maybe they can't help during the virus stuff because refuges are probably full. I admit I'm struggling to try a local place again. I know I need to get over that. I'll try.

I've taken a lot of your time. I'm so grateful. To everyone who's been kind. I know it's up to me now. Thanks again. I hope everyone else in here is as ok as possible and everyone else who hasn't left yet is able to leave.

Plantlife - it obviously is possible for you to move without a risk assessment. You can find a place privately. I understand that that's more difficult if you are on benefits. You can look for landlords that accept those on benefits here.

The reason you're being asked to do a risk assessment is not so that the police can arrest your abuser but so that the organisation can work out the safest way of supporting you and keeping you safe.

However, it's obviously possible to bypass a domestic abuse organisation completely by looking for somewhere to rent privately. I wish you all the best in your search.

@plantlife - just thought I’d pop by and tell you I’m on my way out of my home and marriage. Not yet, but a plan is in place. I feel 1,000% better.

We ‘met’ on your previous thread.

I’d fabricated sooooo many reasons why I couldn’t. I’ve had friends and family tell me to get out over and over...and over again. I’ve been brainwashed into thinking he wasn’t “that bad”. But he was and he is.

There are many really good people out there on high alert to help people fleeing from DV. You must reach out and get it sorted. You could be out of there and housed within a couple of days.

What do they say? Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway.

I would bet my last fiver that your neighbours would help you. I really would.

It’s good to come on here and pose questions but set yourself a task of one thing a day to get yourself out.

I'm really really pleased for you @ByeByeMissAmericanPie I really hope you get to leave and things get much better for you. You've been so kind to me and I'm really grateful.

I'm sorry for being so negative. I'll try to pull myself together. I'm being spoilt and difficult because I suppose I don't want the sort of housing that accepts benefits. Round here anyway. In London it's only shared accommodation in very bad condition and often illegally bad condition, and sharing facilities with people including violent men just released from prison. Even then there's not much available. Some maybe scams too. It's often just a mobile phone number and no name.

I'm sorry if I sound picky but all I ever wanted is a safe home. Nothing special or luxury needed. There's no point leaving him for something as bad. The worse thing he did to me was stop me working and getting my health treatments. It's worse than any physical violence. Now I'll never have a safe home and always face homelessness. I'm older now and can't face ending up a single childless middle-aged woman with no money and no safe home, no friends, and semi housebound so can't meet new ones. At that age I don't think it's too much to want your own bathroom and kitchen.

Anyway sorry. I know I sound horrible but I feel like I might as well be honest.

Anyway I did look for a place to rent. Several times. When I had savings and enough money to pay rent upfront still no landlords would take me. I tried so many including out of London. The only ones who would accept benefits wanted a guarantor. It's worse now as my savings have gone and if I leave before the lease is up here I'll not have a good reference from the landlord.

I'm really sorry for being so pessimistic. I admit I've heard there are some areas where more landlords accept benefits but I don't know where to look, what areas. I'm terrified of leaving here as it's all I know and I'm scared of people hating people from here but I want to try to leave and start afresh. It's a stab in the dark for me as I don't really know anywhere else. I can't go and see the area because of the virus. I'm not expecting a posh or especially nice area but I don't think it's bad of me to want to avoid the most dangerous areas, the ones where you'll hear people say avoid, no go area, etc. I think also if you have to live in a sort of dodgy area it's best to do it where you're from because people from outside those areas stick out and may be targets. it's scary risking being in a completely strange area when have no money, there's the virus, and I'll be all alone in the world with no friends or family.

Anyway I really am sorry for being so difficult and negative. I know I need to stop thinking about worse case stuff. I suppose I need help to leave anyway as when I was offered housing association viewings I panicked at the thought of leaving him for lots of reasons. I wasn't the top of the list so wouldn't have got that housing but I suppose it made me realise I maybe can't do it on my own. I think if it was easier to rent places I could've done it a few years ago but now my mental and physical health is worse, I've lost job contacts, friends, money, and my confidence has gone.

I'm sorry again. I'll try to get myself together next week. I'll see what to do. O need to start thinking more positively. Please don't bother replying. There's nothing you can do and you've been so kind, everyone here has, and done everything you can. I'm just venting and expressing my fears. I've done that now. I felt I had to explain that I have tried to get help and leave so you don't think I never tried at all. I promise I'll try to try again but can't promise I'll definitely leave. I want to be honest.

@plantlife I really hope you find a solution that works for you. I hope you have a lovely weekend.

There was a thread last year about the sentence that ended the relationship. Not necessarily in that instant but that moment that was just so clear you knew the relationship was unsalvageable. I had that moment tonight. The statement itself fairly innocuous to an outsider, however to me he made it blatantly obvious that he will not inconvenience himself in any way even if it means my health is at risk.
I couldn’t help but go into one of the dc’s rooms(farthest away from everyone)and bawl my eyes out. All that emotion that had built up like a pressure cooker realised in a wave of tears. To be honest it’s exactly what I needed as it’s been a constant battle with both “dh” and all the dc lately and today was particularly tough. You’d think one of them would cut me some slack. I can’t even use the toilet in peace at present.

Hope others are doing better than I am. I’d also like to thank everyone and in particular the OP, for starting the thread and to all posters for providing support to each other and to mumsnet users(I’d like to think the thread has helped those who have followed the thread but not posted). Stay safe everyone. Warmest regards, Idontknowmyname.