For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

[12345kbm]

@Idontkowmyname it sounds like you're doing everything right. It's so important to make sure the children know they are loved and that the abuse isn't their fault.

Water Torturer's are so bad aren't they? Does he sit there watching you getting more and more wound up with a smug smile on his face? Then makes out you're mad. The best ones (I'm obviously being ironic) make out that it's your hormones or you can't help it because women are hysterical. It's rage inducing.

Please make a safety plan should things escalate.

[Idontkowmyname]

@12345kbm I’m sensitive apparently but he’s admitted years ago he takes pleasure in “winding me up” because it’s just so easy to do. Does the whole you’re talking shit, don’t know what you’re going on about to name but a few any time I try to talk to him and it’s something he doesn’t want to listen to.
He mandates when a conversation is over. Will accuse me of shouting just to back me into a corner to raise my voice so he can point the finger and say “told you, you were shouting”
They all seem to have the same bile that they vomit out, all pretty similar shite tbh. He’s told me he’s not abusive because he doesn’t hit me and the other day when I said he was being aggressive, he stated that was impossible as he hasn’t threatened me.
He’s off the scale intelligent and can just twist and manipulate things so it’s even harder to work out up from down. I’m utterly exhausted from it all

[12345kbm]

@Idontkowmyname sounds awful, I'm sorry you're going through this.

He sounds like a sadist who gets off on humiliating you. It's his way of maintaining dominance and control. I'm not surprised you're exhausted. He is abusive, please don't listen to him, of course he's abusive.

[Dery]

National Centre for Domestic Violence can help with applications for non-molestation and occupation orders: www.ncdv.org.uk/

[12345kbm]

@Dery Do we know if those can be processed at the moment?

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

I was so close to leaving! I’d seen 2 rental properties and was making my mind up between the two... I can’t believe how quickly everything escalated.

Now I’m stuck with a controlling King of the Castle who is working from home. It’s taken me about 3 years to reach this point. Counselling, The Freedom Programme... talking to friends and family. Saving money. The lot.

He is micro managing my whole life, and shouts at me every time I cry. I’m having to block out my thoughts as much as possible, as I know leaving would be impossible at the moment.

[12345kbm]

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie you're nearly there OP. Have you worked out a safety plan? It might help to take your mind of things, to feel less powerless if you gather advice and information.

If you need someone to talk to, you can vent here where someone is always around. No one is going to judge you. Those who have been through this know how hard it is to gather that courage to leave and you've done so, so well.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

Thank you for your kind words.

I had a safety plan when leaving was an option, but there is literally nowhere to go at the moment.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

Been married 24 years. DS 22, now witnessing it all.

[Wolfiefan]

@plantlife good to see you. Take care.
I do hope when you say trying that you’re hoping for children in the future though and not with your abuser. That’s not a good idea.

To anyone in a situation where they are with an abuser? You can get out. There’s great advice here. But plan and be careful.

[FlowerArranger]

Such a lot of practical information here, many thanks @12345kbm!

Can I just add a few useful reads, for those who are working towards getting in the right frame of mind to leave, stand up for themselves or just cope with a difficult or abusive partner.

Why does he do that, by Lundy Bancroft (the classic manual on identifying abuse and different types of abusers; available as a free PDF)

WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH, by Robin Norwood (i.e. women who are always seeking love and affection from partners who are emotionally unavailable and unable to form lasting attachments)

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie (probably one of the best books about taking care of yourself)

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (ignore the bible stuff - the advice is solid)

Plus my favourite quote - a motto to live by:

“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

[kaxxz]

Me and my husband are on lockdown with his mum who is very controlling. We are in the process of renovating our house so had to move in with her. Now due to the lockdown all work is postponed so we are unsure how long we will be here for.

Everything gets controlled we are both in our early 30s but to his mum "we're kids who don't know how to do anything so she has to do it herself for us". We can't even make our own breakfast without her being in the kitchen hovering over us making sure we've got everything we need etc.

She tries to be helpful but really she's doing it as control. she even controls her own husband. You cant even pick up fruit from the fruit bowl without her noticing and saying something like "why don't you have some grapes too". She just feels like need to have to say something about everything.

She has even spoken to my husband about my underwear and how i wear thongs. I got furious and said it's none of her business. She knows I am annoyed with her but she carries on undermining bus both.

Hopefully once this lockdown is over we can finally move into our own property which is in a different city to hers!. I just wanted to share how I'm feeling right now :(

[kaxxz]

She saw my underwear on the washing line so made comments to my husband 🤦🏼‍♀️

[yogi1]

I left my Husband in January after being with him for 21 years and we have a 9 year old who lives with me. We now have our own house and she is ecstatic. For the last 4 years there was DV in the relationship and on January 10th I left because I couldn't do this no more and I have my child to protect. I have had support from a DV agency but with this lockdown thing have become very isolated. I have no friends in this country and only a dad in a different place{all in Wales} I'm in England. At first I was very angry with him, something I wasn't able to express when living with him due to his temper and did all the paperwork for a child arrangements order bu did not send it off to Solicitors yet. The problem is now because my car broke down and is now to be scrapped I have had to ask him, well he's volunteering to do some food shopping for me, he also does restrict this, and he had to take me to a bank which is 30 mins away, but buses in this village have now stopped. So he has come into my husband only to put shopping on counter and to fix my daughters cupboard. I don't know what I feel no. I'm part angry and resentful at the things he's done and said and lied about, but obviously I still love him. Before this happened things were ok, we have been through a lot in 21 years and he has supported me on many occasions. He has now registered himself on dating sites, the second week that I left, and sometimes I feel I've done the wrong thing by leaving. He is very handsome, we have many similar traits, interests and ideas about the world and things. I don't think I'm ever going to meet someone like that again, not that I'm interested at the moment. I just keep thinking maybe I was wrong about leaving. I have various health problems and unable to go back to work. I suffer from anxiety and now don't know what 's going to happen for the future, which doesn't bode well with someone who's anxious. I'm not sleeping properly, looking after myself and feel very sad. On the morning that I walked out he said 'I'm not kicking you out of the house'. He will have no problem meeting another woman, if he hasn't done already. I just don't know if I've done the right thing. My own parents marriage was difficult, they would fight, he was physically abusive but later on in their marriage it became good between them. My own husband said that these are just things that happen in a marriage. I would have been able to have more opportunities if I stayed with him as he has a good job and can move around the country at any time. Now I'm stuck in a housing association property, on benefits and have no money. My daughter is fine with him but refers to our home as somewhere where he shouldn't be as she says 'trespassers should not be allowed here'. I just feel sad. The DV was worse for about the last 2 years where he blamed me for everything, resented me and having to be in certain parts of the country due to receiving hospital treatment. I only think now if I tried harder to please him and give him what he wanted in terms of moving somewhere else we'd still be together, but then I've got the sentences in my head of what he used to say to me such as 'I don't fancy you, I don't want to have sex with you as f you is like f a corpse, you're a good person and a good mother but I worked out a long time ago that this relationship was over, He wasn't physically violeny much but he has thrown things in my direction such as when I did the dishes twice he violently threw a knife in to the sink from the other side of the room and thrown a tv remote at me .I don't know what other peoples marriages long term are like as my friend was in a DV relationship which she left and will not talk about her relationship. I'm just now on my own I'm having nightmares every night, not of the abuse but of him moving on with other people and rubbing it in my face. I'm 47 and now have no idea what will happen. I'm crying every day. Please don't suggest the GP, Mind or counselling as I've done this. Trouble is I've only got my dad to talk to but he's 84 and very emotionally switched off who one day tells me to leave, and the next asks me what does my husband want and maybe I should do it {e.g moving house somewhere else, making more of an effort with him and on my appearance as I have let myself go and put lots of weight on and now don't bother colouring my hair, doing exercise wearing make up. I haven't been on this site for a long time but looking at the other messages from users talking Bout their DV I can clearly see things but I just want the person who I thought I had. However we have not even kissed let alone anything else for 5 years. As soon as my daughter went to bed he would go in his bedroom and go on social media, even calling other women beautiful, paying for sex web cams which I have walked in on. I have got a DV support worker who is excellent but with all this virus stuff have been unable to see her and they've probably stopped working. We did go to Relate for about 6 months but he refused to do anything the counsellor suggested and when I tried to go near him would tell me to f off as he didn't want that. The problem was even the counsellor thought we were a good couple and meant to be together if we could get over this hurdle between us. I never mentioned there was DV in those sessions because I was afraid of what he'd do. I also had to go to a police station as I spoke to an officer on the 101 number and they urged me to attend a station but once there the police wanted me to make a statement against him but when I asked what would happen they said they would go to our house and interview him, so I refused to make a statement because how was I supposed to go back home. He says crude insults like his friend wives have dinner on the table when they come home, completely clean the house by the time they are home and then give their husbands a b j** for 2 hours a night and I don't do these things. Even writing this now I can see the faults but then I still want to be with him and I think I've just ruined any opportunity and he will be with someone else and having a lovely life living in a nice place because they would be goodlooking, fit, have a good job and be there for him. Unlike what he says to me in that I neglected him and our marriage even though I've just spent the last 4 years being very unwell with both both physical and mental health problems. I think its a bit late now to try as we're not in the same house and he is getting himself even fitter, buying newer clothes and looking after himself more.

[Ogham]

Seriously yogi he’s a cruel bastard. I would find it extremely difficult to get past being told to fuck off after trying to make a move on my partner (together 25 years, and we have our ups and downs!). You did amazing to get away from him and it’s still early days. You’re hankering after what he used to be like in the early days. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that or subjected to DV. It may help write down all the insults in a note book and read over it to remind yourself of what he’s really like? - as for the Stepford wives scenario he has in his head!!! Plus a 2 hour blow job every night. Ffs, delusional bastard. (Excuse all my cursing)

Listen to your daughter, she has a very valid point and does not want her dad in her house. You need to respect her request.

As for making friends and meeting new people, we all have to put ourselves out there. It’s difficult at first and impossible at the moment but perhaps think of things you can do after this lockdown ends. Really feel for you but do not regret your decision, you did it for a reason so believe in yourself. X

[FlowerArranger]

@kaxxz ... You may find this book useful:

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (ignore the bible stuff - the advice is solid)

[12345kbm]

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie There are refuges available and those in the DV sector are doing what they can. Please phone the helplines if things escalate OP. I'm glad to hear you have a safety plan in place. Obviously dial 999 if you feel threatened or you think he may become violent.

[12345kbm]

@yogi1 It sounds as though you're getting there OP. Have you contacted the DV organisation to see if they are still open? It's never advised to have counselling with an abuser. It also doesn't sound as though the police handled the situation very well.

[OldLace]

THANK YOU for this thread OP.
It's very timely for me. xxx

[12345kbm]

@OldLace you're very welcome.

[welliesarefuntowear]

I'm so glad I found this. I was due to leave onTuesday to an affordable rental property. Brand new, I was over the fucking moon. It's not happening. He's acting like father of the fucking year whilst I'm still at work. He's financially and mentally abused me but still blames me for the fact he was so unhappy he fucked someone else. I would have left to live with my Dad but of course I can't and I don't want to leave my kids, they are teens. I'm so miserable.

[12345kbm]

@welliesarefuntowear I'm sorry to hear that. It must be so difficult to have had freedom on the horizon and now this. The helplines are open if you need support and advice. You can post here to vent and I can do what I can from here to offer advice and support.

[12345kbm]

@kaxxz that sounds very difficult, I'm sorry you have a MIL nightmare during this time. Does she suffer from anxiety do you think? She sounds very anxious.

[crystalize]

@welliesarefuntowear - I heard on the news that moving home was allowed now. Is this still possible for you?