For those on lockdown with an abuser

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Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

Regarding the council and gatekeeping - absolutely!! I remember someone telling me once how she sent a woman to the Homeless persons unit and they told her they would meet her outside and closed the door and locked it. This was a woman fleeing from an abuser who was going to be on the streets that night.

It's why I always advise that, if you don't have an advocate, you contact Shelter first so you are aware of your rights, otherwise they will send you off with a leaflet. The best thing is an advocate of course who can call them on your behalf and sort it out for you. Some councils are very 'forgetful' of their duty, let's put it that way.

Thank you so much for being so kind. It's made me feel like maybe there is help out there.

I've just tried them but can't get through. I know they're so busy. I won't ask for a callback now. I'm so tired and it's probably better to try to sleep then try tomorrow. I've called places at weekends before and been told to call back on weekdays or police if immediate emergency. I suppose there's not much they can do on a Sunday night.

I'm scared they'll say I'm not a priority. As he's not here at the moment. When he's walked out after incidents in the past I've called places and been told it's not urgent as he's not around. I feel like it will happen again especially if places are so limited with high demand. I feel selfish asking for a place as he's not here but I know if I leave it I'll lose my nerve. I also think maybe it's best to try to leave before he's back but if they're so in demand maybe they can't help me until it's an emergency. I'm hopefully just panicking.

I can't help thinking I'll be given refuge numbers and the places will be gone when I call. I think they have to prioritise women with children so I have much less chance. I really want help finding a space but I don't know if they'll do that. I'll ask but don't think they do. I will speak to the local place again but I'm scared about waiting three weeks and not knowing what he's going to do. It feels scary just waiting. He's being really weird with me. He's done it before to scare me but I never know what he'll do next.

That's what I'm scared of with the council not helping. Ending up on the streets. He threatens me with that. It's why I stayed when he first really hurt me. It's partly not their fault as they have no housing. I've spoken to Shelter and they say they can't say for certain if I'll be helped. I am statutory homeless but not automatic priority need. They said I could challenge a decision but that won't help me in the meantime. I hope maybe the care coordinator can advocate for me if my local DV place has too long waiting list.

I've decided this time I can't change my mind. I'm so scared but need to get help before it's too late. If I freeze and can't talk tomorrow, I've decided to email a link to my old thread to refuge and either my GP or local DV service and hopefully they'll help but not call the police.

Thank you and sorry again. I hope to come back with a good update. I want it over with now. I just want to get it done as the fear is making everything worse.

@plantlife thank you for your kind words. I’m relieved you’ve stayed on the thread and continued to get the support you deserve. Will read through your updates once I’m in the “land of the living” as it’s just gone 3:20 where I am.

I'm really sorry to write about this. I feel like a bad person but I might as well be honest. I called the national helpline and left my number with a time to call back. They didn't call. I know they're very busy but I suppose that means it really is no guarantee of getting a place to go. I'm sorry for the negatively. I don't know what to to. I could try again but feel paranoid it's my voice or accent that they took a dislike to. Like maybe I don't sound like a victim. I'm sorry I know that sounds paranoid and it's probably just they're really busy but even if it's that they're busy it still leaves me not knowing if I'll be able to find somewhere in time. I'm probably just panicking. So much of me doesn't feel strong enough to leave and feel the need to just hide here forever especially with the virus still out there, even though it's not possible being private rented, but anyway I feel like ignoring it all but I'm scared things will get bad again.

I'm sorry to hear that @plantlife You do have options:

1. Here's the domestic abuse directory. Tick the box for 'Only show services that have a refuge service for women' and put in your local authority. Contact them all until you find somewhere, try different boroughs.

1. Wait until you see your GP later in the week who should be able to help with a referral.

1. Contact Shelter for further information and advice.

There is more information here.

I'm sorry I know I'm being difficult. I can't help it. I don't see a safe way out. I read all the raise awareness stuff and it always makes out you just need to find strength and make a phone call. I wish that was true. It wasn't for me. I can't keep calling and not being given help. I'm sorry for being weak but I feel defeated. I'm not making it up but I know it looks like I am or I'm making excuses.

I suppose if I go through my GP, I might possibly get a hostel through a council. I don't see them being able to do more. They can't refer me to the local DV places. The one that runs refuges in my area is the horrible place and the other one hasn't got housing support and the three week wait for support means it's maybe too late before he's back. I'm sorry if you think I'm too picky. I feel it's not safe. It could be mixed sex including men on bail for violent offences. Even if women, the same issue. Addiction issues, violent offences, etc. All deserve help and support but I don't feel safe being in that environment and don't think it's unreasonable to want something safer after leaving violence.

Anyway I don't feel safe staying local but a few times I've spoken to places outside my area and they've sounded surprised I'm not local. I feel confused but it seems like lots of victims stay fairly local? I'm probably just being negative.

I suppose although refuges also scare me I thought it's the best option. Safer than a mixed purpose hostel. Somewhere that's meant to be safe for DV victims to go to.

I've called Shelter. There's nothing more they can do. They've told me legally I'd be statutory homeless but not automatic priority's need as no dependent children. DV isn't automatic priority need in England until the law changes. I don't know when it will chenge.

My local authority has one refuge organisation. It's the DV charity who were horrible. They made it clear they won't be people I can turn to. These are the people who told me they couldn't give me a refuge place just in case something happened. I'd call after spending the night in fear after he'd been violently raging. I told them about past violence. They also told me other women managed to get to the refuge with terrible injuries. I'd asked how I could get to one. At the time I had no money at all even for public transport and my physical health was in a very bad way. They obviously didn't believe me. They did a few other things that were nasty to me but I know it sounds like it's me. I wish I'd recorded the calls. They were awful.

I don't know what to do. I feel like giving up. The link you gave. It says the helpline can arrange a refuge space if you ask them. I don't know if I've got the strength to call place after place and keep being turned down so that's what I think I need but I don't know if I can face calling again. They're obviously so busy and there's no guarantee of a callback.

If I felt confident I had time I'd email places to ask for help but I'm scared to trust. I don't understand why the helpline didn't call me back. If they can't do that, how can they help me. I feel like it was my voice or accent. I'm sorry. I know I'm moaning. It's just so hard to keep trying and I don't think I'm strong enough to make call after call with no success. I wish it was like the myth if just picking up the phone. I know it's not their fault they're too busy but I wish the public message was honest. It feels victim blaming to make out all you need to do is made a call. I'm sorry. I really am sorry for being so negative and difficult. It was just I felt proud of myself to leave my number and now I feel a bit hopeless.

I'm sorry for the rambling. I don't want to be so self pitying or weak. It's just hard because I'm panicking and so so scared of leaving and scared to trust. It was a big step leaving my number. I've also been so terrified of homelessness or dangerous housing and it's something he's taunted me about. He's made me dependent on him when he wouldn't let me get medical help or work and now it looks like he's right. I do need him. I'd rather he hit me than no home or a dangerous hostel. I just don't want him to kill me painfully. So I suppose being so spoilt and picky is my own fault. Anyway. I'm sorry. It's just it really wears you down trying to get help but not getting it. I know it's probably not personal and just they're too busy but it frightens me that they didn't call me back. I feel like there's nowhere to turn for definite help. I'm trapped with him if there's nowhere safe to go. It's all my own fault for not being stronger before the virus when there was more options and places available. I also can't help worrying it's my voice or accent that put them off calling me back. Anyway sorry again. I suppose I could try calling refuge after refuge and seeing if they've got a place but it's so wearing trying and failing repeatedly to get a place. I'm scared too because I feel lost, like there's no guarantee of somewhere safe and that's so frightening. It makes me realise how vulnerable my situation is with no guaranteed help. It's why I'm scared to tell my GP much more. If there's no guaranteed safe housing it's too dangerous getting officials involved. I'm sorry again. I'll try to start again tomorrow but I'm resigned to it being like it's been before. I've called a few non local DV places and although most were nice they all said I had to go to my local ones. Which is hopeless as one won't help and the other can't help (with safe housing). That's why I'm so dejected tonight. The national place felt like my only hope. It feels so frightening being without guaranteed help and it's the difficulty in getting help that also scares me more about leaving. Even if I get a safe place to go to, the difficulty in finding help shows how I could end up with no food or other essentials. All the support places are so overwhelmed and busy with long waits. It's not their fault but it does mean I'd be very vulnerable. He's so right about me needing him and that's why I now have to let him do whatever he wants to me and do whatever he wants.

I'm so sorry for ruining your thread. You've been so kind and supportive and I feel like I'm letting you and everyone else who's tried to help down and I feel horrible and nasty for reporting back negative experiences. I'd understand if my posts should be removed. I know I'm a failed case but thank you for your kindness and trying so hard to help me. I've centred enough. I'll only come back if there's any updaty. Sorry and thank you again.

@plantlife it's ultimately your choice. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.

I don't feel like there is much choice for me.
My choice is I want help. I want somewhere safe to go but there doesn't seem to be anything.

I don't know what more to do. I've called places. They either won't or can't help. If they won't call me back what can I do. I've asked for help to leave. I begged one place to help me leave and they just shrugged their shoulders and said they couldn't guarantee a place. How is that my choice if there's nowhere safe to go.

I'll be really honest. I feel today like I don't care if he kills me. I'll rather that than be homeless. The problem is he knows that. I wish I'd not struggled back when he physically hurt me. I wish he'd just killed me. I'm sorry but facing homelessness with no help is far worse than being hit or anything else he's done. I feel sick with fear.

I read other threads sometimes and repeatedly see women told to call DV helplines. I don't understand why. If I can't get through and no call back, I'm told to just call the council, who do everything they can not to help and I have no legal right to housing anyway. I don't understand why every other women isn't told to just call the council. Why are people told to call DV charities if all they need to do is call the council.

I'm sorry. I'm moaning and being self pitying. I just feel very frightened and very alone and very vulnerable and without help. I don't see it as being a choice. How can I leave if there's nowhere safe to go? I feel trapped. I suppose it's my fault for not being strong enough sooner but now it looks like there's no way out, no safe place to go.

My choice is to have somewhere safe to go but that seems unobtainable for me. I wsnt to try the number again but I'm feeling scared it's my voice, the reason they didn't call me back. I don't know what to do. I feel like there's not much help for all DV victims. He's physically hurt me but has money, a job, friends, a home. I don't want him to lose any of that but it feels like once you're hurt by DV you're left to suffer with no way of repair.

Maybe my biggest problem is my local dv refuge running organisation. They were genuinely really horrible but I know I'm not believed. It sounds like it's me having barriers or excuses. I wish people believed me. There's no national standards or inspections or checks so I wish people would understand I'm telling the truth about them. Otherwise I think other women in my area probably have similar bad experiences. Maybe they were gatekeeping like councils do but they didn't help and I've realised that's an easy way for them to manage demand. Who will believe a woman like me. They refuse to help knowing there's nothing the woman like me can do.

I'm sorry again. I know I've ruined this thread with my negative experiences and I feel like a bad person. I'm genuinely sorry. I'll shut up. I just don't feel it's my choice about not having somewhere safe to go.

I'm sorry. I'm upset. I know I should shut up. The place I called just before lockdown after he threatened me with the bottle. I begged them for help. My words were please, please help me leave. They said there was no guarantee and then told me the time was up for the phone call. How can I leave with no help. I'm sorry for ruining your thread. I'm just feeling despairing and defeated. I know I sound sulky and self indulgent but I'm just so worn down. I don't feel suicidal but I regret not letting him kill me. I wish I'd never fought back to get him off me, I wish I'd never called the police. I wish it was over because this is worse. The time I was turned away from a council housing department with nowhere to go has always been the worse experience of my life. It's terrifying and no violence from him has ever been as bad. I'm sorry for going on. I just feel so vulnerable and alone and I need and want him to come home. I'll never complain about him again. There's nothing else for me and I should be grateful. It's a cold world out there without enough help. I promise I'll go away now. I'm genuinely sorry for bringing this thread down.

@plantlife you do have choice but you refuse to take them and that is up to you.

I absolutely refuse to get into this circular argument with you. Re read the advice given to you throughout this thread for months.

You have been given links and resources to private rented accommodation, advised to approach the council, advised to contact the National Helpline, advice to research and find individual refuges, advised to speak to your GP and care worker, advised to sort out the sanctuary scheme - NONE of which seem suitable for you.

I've given you all the advice I possibly can and there is nothing further I can do. I don't have a magic wand. I cannot chant spells and get you out of there - you have to do that for yourself.

I'm not getting into all this with you again.

It goes like this:

You ask for help
You are given phone numbers and links to help you
You make up some convoluted excuse as to why that may work for everyone else in the country but not for you
So it goes on.

I'm not playing any more.

I'm sorry. I thought I could just vent here. I know you can't help. I won't keep coming back but I'm really upset to feel blamed. I haven't been given anywhere safe to go. I'm not making excuses and it's known there isn't enough support so I don't know why I'm not being believed.

I don't think it works for everyone else. I'm not the only one. Lots of other women experience difficulty in getting help. I was scared to say that. I feel like it's not meant to be spoken about and I'm supposed to shut up about the issue.

The DV fundraising campaigns and women's aid, etc news, press releases, etc confirm my experience aren't unusual. I don't think anything will change but it definitely won't if everyone thinks it's all ok and there's no problem with getting help.

I'm frightened to discourage others from getting help. Partly because I feel I'll be thrown off this thread but I've upset you so I have to go anyway. It's true though that some others won't have quite as much difficulty as me. Women with dependent children you're legally entitled automatically to housing so I encourage other women not to be put off by my experiences. Most here have children I think as it's s parenting site.

I'm sorry for writing about negative experiences. I feel so alone and it was so upsetting to get no call back, I felt a need to express the fear and worry. I've done that now.

I don't know what more to do.

I've done everything advised.
I called the national helpline. Repeatedly including 4 or 5am. Never get through.
I left my number for a call back. They didn't call.

Shelter told me my legal rights. Which are nothing. DV is not guaranteed priority need in England. The law hasn't changed yet.

I tried to find a private rent. Looked for weeks and weeks. Not restricted to any particular area. Nowhere would accept me even when I could afford to pay 6 montgs upfront. Not without a guarantor. It's widely known how hard it is to private rent on benefits nowadays. I'm not making it up.

I've called individual refuges. Places have gone.
My GP can't give me a safe home. All she can do is refer me. To organisations who don't call me back or say they can't give me a refuge place just because I'm scared of him doing something (like I'm meant to wait for more violence).

What else can I do. How can I contact a helpline if they won't call me back.

I'll go away from here. I'm genuinely sorry. I don't expect you to reply. I know there's nothing you can do but I wish I was believed. It's almost worse than what he's done. Not being believed about the limited help. I feel blamed.
I'll either give up on everything which is tempting because it's humiliating asking for help and not getting it from a DV charity. It's also worn me down.
If I find the strength I'll try to call individual refuges again but I'm terrified even more now. I obviously really do put people's backs up including you and that doesn't bode well for me finding somewhere that will accept me. There's only so many times you can call and not be given a place. I worry it's my voice or accent or tone.
Women's Aid campaign news is calling for local restrictions to be ended. That proves my experiences aren't unusual. Lots of refuges only get funding for local women. That's why I can't keep trying. They haven't got many places for non locals.

I'm sorry again. I've vented now.
I just wanted to be believed. I know no one can help me here.
I don't see how it's an excuse if there's no refuge places available when I call. I can't help being scared and needing support to leave. I can get emotional support from my GP so that's good but I also need a safe home and that's not guaranteed.
I think my posts could still help other women. As a warning to get out when you can. Before you can't work. Before you're in bad health. If you have children, go before they're 18.
Sorry again.

I promise this is it. I won't come back to post again.
I'm sorry again. I didn't want to upset or offend you.
I just wish I was believed.
I'm resigned to not getting a safe home and it's too late for me.
It's hard to deal with that but not being believed is worse.
I know the truth though and I suppose that's all I can hold on to.
I've done all I can.
I've called places. Begged for help to leave
I'm not making it up or making excuses.
I admit I was too scared in the past when there were a few chances but I can't go back in time.
I don't know what more I can do now.
If I lived somewhere else I think it might be easier and if there wasn't the virus maybe too.
I hope things will get better for other women in the future when the new law comes in. I think it might be too late for me but I'll just have to see.
I don't know why I'm not believed. If I'm not believed, that must mean WA are akso lying. They have several reports on the situation, how there's limited help and support and how some women like me face street homelessness if we leave.
The fact the law needs to change shows at the moment DV doesn't guarantee housing. In London there's no housing and councils do everything they can to say you're not priority need when priority need is discretionary. A disabled pensioner man was in the local papers a few years ago. Sleeping in his car because neighbouring council said not priority need. He lost his job after a heart attack.
Why am I not believed.
Anyway. I'm genuinely sorry. I hope you believe me about that.
I'll try again to call individual refuges if I get the strength. I won't hold much hope as places are so limited even before the virus for non local women and having no children means I'm bottom priority also, which I understand.

I really promise I'll go away properly now.
I'm sorry again. It did help to vent but please get my posts deletesmd if you think they've ruined your thread. I understand if you do.

I’m sorry you are going round and around @plantlife. Speak to your gp and see if you can get yourself settled more in your head. Sounds like you have a good relationship there.

I’m in a weird position. Not awful, but I guess it’s emotionally abusive. It’s positive in the sense that Ex has finally agreed to me moving back to my home town, many miles away. I live in his home, caring for our child fulltime with severe SN. Negative as because of covid19 I can’t do that for a few months yet. He’s never hit me, in fact he is often very helpful and kind. However I am feeling low. My confidence is worn down. I now put everything into my kids, and having nothing left. Ex, and me are still living together, and he goes out to random women, always lying about it, and I am finding the constant deception hard. I know that we are ‘over’ however I am stuck here in the house.

We are having tricky negotiations about maintenance through a solicitor. He is trying to tell me that he’s going to be very fair but telling me that he has to still ‘keep his own stability’ etc. I just nod and agree now. I know he is just lying. I’m just trying to keep myself together until I can leave. It’s just hard.

@Socialdistancegintonic that sounds very difficult. I hope things get resolved soon.

I shouldn't post here again but you've already turned against me so it doesn't really matter if you're more angry.

I feel totally and utterly alone now. I admit terrified of leaving. I've been struggling for a long time. It's not just the housing issue as I've become so dependent on him. Emotionally as well as financially, but the fear of unsafe housing or homelessness including six months on from leaving is my biggest barrier. It's real and something I've been so so frightened of for years. I can't help it. I also don't think it's too much to ask for. A safe home.

I was honest about not expecting any help here. I know people here can't help. Except I suppose by supporting law changes like the proposed but unknown when in future change to make DV priority need.
At the moment, Women's Aid figures say just 2% of priority need is DV. It's almost always for dependent children or pregnant. The law wouldn't need to change if I was making it up.

I said lots of times on my posts here and other thread that writing here helped me feel slightly less alone.
I've been isolated for several years. Longer than the lockdown. It felt like a safe space.

I'm sorry because I suspect I should shut up for my own sake but I can't help it. I felt gagged the past few days. I was asked to report back after calling Refuge. They never called me back. I'm not blaming them. They're inundated, but should I have lied. I've left my number twice now. Nocall backs. I feel like I shouldn't want or need support. Why are other women told it's important to get support in leaving abuse as it's s dangerous time? Why wouldn't I also need that.

I've been very very upset to be accused of playing games. Like it's s joke or fun or attention seeking. It's not. I needed to write about my experiences. Somewhere in the real world with real people.

I talk to myself but that's not always enough.

I feel totally victim blamed and gaslit.
All the You Will Be Believed goes out the window when negative experiences of getting help.

It's not me making excuses. I'm the first to admit when it is and then its out of paralysing fear, not game playing.

Why do DV charities exist? Why are women told they need support to leave and to plan it safely? I recognise I need that but when I can't access that support, I'm told to just rent somewhere or call the council.

I've tried to leave. Tried to find rents but on benefits with money upfront and no guarantor it's hard. I'm also not in a good way. Physically or mentally. I'm terrified of leaving and what he'll do.
You admitted how councils gatekeep.
I'm not making it up.

Why is it gameplaying to need and want support?

I feel like I've lost the one safe place I had to write about everything and to express my fears.

I wrote about how I unintentionally antagonise people. I said that's another barrier to leaving. I'm terrified of putting my life in the hands of a DV worker who might also turn on me.

I'm sitting here and feel right now as ready as I think I can possibly be to leave. Although it's terrifying. I genuinely feel physically sick with fear.

Despite the fear I know I need to do it. Now. Before it's too late. How though?

Just because I can articulate it doesn't mean I don't need support. The support other DV victims need.
How do I leave with nowhere to go and not being able to get through to refuge.

I have a narrow window of opportunity. I need to leave before he's back. I still don't know for sure if and when that will be but it could be soon with the lockdown easing.
For so long I wanted to wait. I don't want to leave and want to stay with the life I know. It's been all I know for my whole life.
I now realise he won't change. He's threatening to kill me when he comes back.
I also want to leave before the lockdown eases. I'm not apologising (for once) for being at high risk from the virus and needing to do the little I can to protect myself from it. Why worry about him killing me but the virus?
I can't drive so I need to use public transport before the lockdown eases in case things get more dangerous again with the virus. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Anyway. I basically just needed to get it off my chest. I've been do upset the past few days. It feels so invalidating and gaslighting to dismiss my experiences as me making excuses.

I have tried to leave and get help.
I've tried Shelter. They can only tell me my (limited) rights. How is that me making excuses?

I've tried Refuge. To get a refuge place through them. They never answer the phone and since my post a few days ago, I left another message but no call back again. I know it's not their fault they're so busy. It's not my fault or me making excuses either.

If I had a safe refuge place to go to, I'd go tomorrow. Or even tonight if I could organise it in time. I'm terrified but realised he doesn't need to initially know.

It's also not excuses or games about the sanctuary scheme. It's been said on this thread and the sanctuary info it's not suitable if there's a serious violence risk. It's also not excuses that it's anout of contract so monthly periodic private tenancy means. The landlord doesn't want benefit tenants and no surprise as the rent is over a hundred pounds higher than the benefit amount. They won't want a DV scheme installed for a very short-term tenant. It's also a communal building with other tenants able to buzz in visitors to entrance hall. Deliveries, etc.
It's not excuses and I wouldn't be safe to stay here even if the landlord suddenly decided to let me stay without him, on benefits lower than the rent.
Not excuses or s game. Factual information.

I've also now spoken to my GP. Very kind and referring me for support, but that's slow. It's not the way out if I need to leave sooner.

So what else can I do? I think I need to leave asap. Before I lose my nerve and before he might come back and before lockdown eases. How, with nowhere to go?

I'll link the Women's Aid report about how lots of refuges are mainly funded only for local women. I'm not making it up.

I feel so lost and without support. Rationally I know the no call backs are just because they're so busy but I can't help feeling a bit shattered by it. Happening twice now makes me scared it's me, my voice or accent or something. I know it's irrational but it was incredibly hard to make the call and leave my number. I also feel very frightened about not being able to access support in time.

For once I won't apologise. The ship of not making you angry has sailed. Everyone has lost patience with me. It still helps to write about everything somewhere in the real world and express my fears.

I don't see why I should apologise for wanting and needing the same help and support to leave that other traumatised women are advised to get. Just because I'm aware of my need and aware that I'm traumatised doesn't mean I'm not still in need of support. It's always said to women here how dangerous and difficult leaving is and how support is important. I'm not different from any other DV victim in needing support. I don't have the strength or experience to navigate and deal with the councils on my own.

Anyway. I'll probably just return to my quiet thread away from relationships. I'll be mostly talking to myself but it helps so unless I'm banned (maybe I will be, I'm resigned to that), I'll keep posting if I need because it helps to feel I have a safe space to do it.
I wanted to speak out about the limits of support so it gets better for future women but I suppose it was beyond stupid to risk angering the places that I needed to help me by speaking out whilst still so vulnerable.
I'm not blaming DV charities and they all campaign on the same issues but for some reason when I actually experience it, it's me making it up or making excuses.

I just want to finish my saying. I don't think it's too much to want. A safe home. I mean no sharing facilities. I can't help that being a huge fear. I am genuinely more vulnerable to Covid but even if that wasn't the case (it is) it's something that terrifies me. Everyone has fears and phobias. Germs terrify me. I was managing the fear but the virus means its now a genuine rational comcern. I've also been so isolated and cut off and hurt (physically and mentally) by people that I need my own little safe private space. Even OP lost patience with me. I've acknowledged I'm not normal. I know I'll stand out and risk bullying by other residents of shared. It will also be unbearably painful to share with women and children. Women young enough to be my daughter who themselves are mothers. Single people shared housing terrifies me. I'll link news reports on how unsafe they can be if no one believes me. Everyone bunged in together. Drugs, violence, etc. Of course they deserve help too. Everyone needs second chances. It doesn't make it safe for me though. Why should I apologise for fearing that setup. It's not much to need. A small safe private space. What's the point of leaving him if I can't recover. Being so isolated and living in constant fear for years, simple things the last two months helped me try to get stronger mentally. Little things like making a cup of tea with my own private kettle in my own private kitchen. I'm not in my thirties anymore. I'm middle-aged. I'm heading to menopause years. I'm too old and worn down and scared (and more vulnerable physically) to go through shared facilities. I did it when I was younger. I hated bedsits but coped when young and fit and out a lot. Things are different now.

I know it's not likely to ever happen for me now. I know I have no legal right to a safe home. Disabled and ill people are seen as worthless by housing law. I can't change that but I don't see why I can't express my fear and pain over it.

I'm not making anything up and definitely playing games. It's far too painful and frightening and wearing to be any kind of game.

@plantlife First I'm not angry with you, second of course you can 'vent' here as much as you like. Vent away. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

@plantlife
I have been reading a lot of threads on Mumsnet as I work through my own toxic relationship issues. I am now about to emerge from the end of the tunnel.

There are so many sad stories on here, but your story is truly the one I can't leave unreplied to.

You have been going around and around and around in your head, I have read all your posts and the responses and seen how your story has progressed. I can so relate to that feeling of being trapped by your own doubts and "what ifings". But I truly believe that your partner is going to kill you. And I really believe that you need to take action. Tomorrow. Just stop wondering about what can happen or what can't happen, what the potential risks are, weighing up potential nightmare scenarios. Your health is deteriorating, your psyche is disintegrating. You need to get out. You think you have a choice, but why not relieve yourself of the pressure by telling yourself: you don't have a choice. You think you do, but you don't.

The risks of being homeless, the risks of coronavirus, the risks of being even more depressed: all of these pale in comparison to the actual risk you are currently in: the risk of your medical situation getting even worse when he comes back (because he will come back, and he will make your life hell), and the risk of him killing you.

You can leave tomorrow. Tomorrow is Monday. You can walk out of your house and go to your nearest police station. Tell them everything. Tell them you are worried he could kill you and tell them you have severe medical problems. Tell them you have no idea what to do but you need someone to help you immediately. If even that seems like too much, go to your neighbours. They know. Trust me, they know, and they don't believe him. For a second. Show them this thread and tell them you need help but cannot find a way of getting it for yourself. Tell them you need help getting help and you need it today.

That would be my (uninformed) advice. Hopefully someone on here can say whether this is a good option, because I honestly think that now you need more immediate care and calling phone lines and going through the standard processes is too much for you. Another thing I would be tempted to do is to go to A&E and explain (anyone reading know what would happen if plantlife did this? Could this be a dire straits solution?).

I just really hope you to stop churning over possibilities in your head and walk out that door tomorrow morning.

I’ve only read a little, I have been there and we doubt ourselves because we are made believe we don’t know what to do any more and can’t decisions without the abuser because that’s what they want, we need them, we have to have them, we are weak without them, we aren’t.

You have been given great advice @plantlife and it’s frightening I understand, but believe me I’d rather homeless with covid than living that shitty fearful life I had, been woken at 4 am with a smack straight across my face, my phone confiscated, landline smashed up and then his hand across my mouth so I couldn’t scream or make a sound incase anyone heard because he thought I was having an affair, I wasn’t.

It’s hard to go because it’s all you know, when you leave you don’t know what to do with yourself I kept going to ring him and telling him what I was doing, when I got a call or text whoever I was with i told them who it was, when I was giving my statement to the police a PPI number called I said the the officer oh it was just PPI he said why are you telling me I said because my phone just rung, he said you don’t have to tell me that, I was so conditioned, it took me months and months to get out of that habit, the first step is the most scary, each day that passes it gets better. I said on another thread my GP was my lifeline, without him I don’t know what would have happened to me. Domestic violence helpline were good.

I really do think you need to leave, and whilst I understand that sharing is horrid I have OCD and have my own little routines etc I’d just stay in my room eating pot noddles if I had to but I say this with absolute kindness and love, don’t look for the negative and obstacles, just see it as fresh start and for now for your own well being and safety, somewhere that keeps you safe from your abuser.

Thank you so much for the kind posts. It made me feel touched someone cares. I end up antagonising everyone and I understand why people have lost patience with me. Anyway thank you for the kindness. I didn't expect any more replies.

I have a sort of update. I need help with a few questions. Its all my fault for leaving it until time was running out. As time is running out, I might post somewhere else, a new thread or even aibu because I've finally woken up a bit to how serious and dangerous things are, and I need to make myself do something.

I know it's annoying but I just can't seem to get through the fear. Maybe sort of become agoraphobia. I'm also so frightened of the virus. I can't even take the bins out without a mask. Doesn't also help I look a mess. Hair not cut in about 7 years, etc.

Anyway. Trying to stop rambling.
I need to try to leave this week. Before lockdown eases more. Terrified of virus on public transport but think safer before 4 July. Also he may come back once lockdown eases. Maybe worse, he'll say he's not coming back and then if I don't move out, it will impact on him. I feel so scared of staying here under those circumstances. He threatened to strangle me again but no proof.

Anyway. Sorry to ramble. Sorry also for more questions. My physical health things are flaring up. In pain and foggy head.

So questions are. I've spoken to a few wonderful kind places and looks like I could get a refuge. Spoke to someone so kind and understanding.

My question is. I tried to get things together to pack but please don't be angry. I feel physically frozen with fear. Travelling through London on public transport. It's never easy even without a virus because of my physical health issues but I'm terrified of the virus. With some health issues risk of death is two or three times other people. Now you also all know I'm over 40 and I was reading a thread here yesterday saying over 40 risk increases.

Sorry. Rambling.
Basically. Question is what's the safest way to leave, do people think. Train at non busy time. Scared as need to travel through London and it's still quite busy. Terrified if air con, like some tube lines and trains have, as think that might spread the virus.

Or I looked up taxi prices. Cheaper than I thought. I set money aside for leaving transport. If taxi I also get to take more essentials and a few sentimental items. Without children to live for and focus on, I need my stuff as a sort of security blanket.
Scared though of taxi closeness to driver. Black cab and some others have screens separating driver but risks from previous customers maybe.

Then thinking maybe call council and ask if one of the local Covid volunteers would drive me (I'd pay petrol money plus more). If they say yes, maybe safer than taxi as less people using s private volunteer's car.

Sorry. Trying to definitely go for it thus time but with time running out and sll tge fears making me panic even more.

Sorry. My last post far too rambly.
I'll try to keep this short and stick to the most urgent questions.

1. What's the least risky way of literally leaving. The travelling when at two to three times higher risk of virus death, and including travel through London where transport quite busy.

Options are:

• Train. Would be two separate trains and tube. Several hour journey. I have a N95 (FFP3) mask but obviously not properly fitted (like NHS workers have fitted).

• Taxi. I've saved several hundred pounds for this. Would cover the cost. Less traumatic as I could take my important stuff. Nothing of financial value but psychologically means a lot.

Easier too because my health condition will make travelling physically painful. Also could avoid public gaze. I've badly let myself go with looks. Not many clothes that fit as gained weight bit also he ripped some of my old clothes. Didn't buy new outfits as never go out so felt pointless. Hair terrible. Like a mad professor. Ashamed and feel ugly.

But worry cab maybe less safe than train. Several different unknown passengers including maybe from airports. Lots of people have the virus with no symptoms but still infectious.

• I was thinking maybe call council and ask if Covid volunteer willing to drive me. I'd pay petrol and extra. Maybe safer than cab? Not lots of different people in the car, unlike cab.

• Finally remembered a friend who's got no mutual friends. It's been de years since we last spoke but think she or her husband might drive me.

Problem is may not be able to help as soon as this week. She has children and also don't know if she's working. Also maybe not safe as her children may be back at school.

Sorry. Sorry for long posts and questions. I'm just panicking and freezing with fear.

If I hadn't left it to last minute I wouldn't bother you with questions like this. I'd think through and decide but no time to think.

Sorry for long posts and stupid questions.
Truth is I'd sort of decided to wait a few months but now realised safer to go sooner.

If I hadn't left it too late, I'd go through assessment, referral, etc, but think maybe better go before next week. It's my fault for being so scared to trust places. I spoke to several lovely people a few days ago and I finally feel reassured about it all. I think that first local place I turned to several years ago really damaged my trust and made me feel there was no help for me. I now realise it was just them being awful and most other DV charities are the complete opposite.

Anyway. Sorry for all the questions. Just terrified. I think it's the travel during virus that's scaring me the most. I feel almost nad with fear about it.

Other questions. I didn't want to ask refuge places in case it out them off me and turned me down as too complex.

Because of my health issues I get food deliveries. Was doing this before the virus or he would shop for me.
Will I be able to do that at refuge? I know you're not meant to give address out but maybe food delivery is ok? Sometimes I can go out. It depends each day. I stayed in not just because of the health issues. Sometimes injuries from him, sometimes fear of him making it psychologically hard. Then I got used to it and now all I really want to do is hide away from the world here forever. I know I can't. I would though if I could.

Anyway. I'm scared to tell refuges in case they turn me down. My main health issue, the one that makes going out all the time, difficult, is rare to be this bad and most people including some doctors don't know about rarer severe cases like mine.

Being honest I also don't want to go in person to shops with the virus risk.

Sorry for asking so much. I'm trying to make myself as ready as possible and try to leave this week. I'm trying to get all my main barriers thought through.

Dear @plantlife
I cannot believe I am reading such good news! This is just brilliant. Now you have seen that people can be kind, people believe you, people are there to support you.

First of all, put a few worries out of your mind: nobody cares about what you look like. You will have time later to sort out your clothes and your hair. Please don't worry about that.

Can you move into the refuge now? Have they confirmed a date? You have now given yourself a concrete deadline: 4th of July. That also takes pressure off you, as that is now a set date you have given yourself. Again, this is great.

Your food needs, your health needs, all of this will be so much easier to think about once you get to the refuge. They are going to look after you there. Don't weigh yourself down with more questionings. Repeat after me: focus on getting to the refuge. That is the only thing that matters right now. You can explain your health issues when you get there, and I am certain the refuge will allow you to do online food shops (someone on here can confirm). You don't need to worry about that now. Now, your only focus is from getting from where you are, to your new home at the refuge.

In terms of travel, I totally understand your concerns, but remember that as you yourself say, the abuse you have been living with has gradually made you more fearful of the outside world than you need to be. So relax, and remind yourself that you don't need to worry.

When I was (very recently) in your situation, I found my mind could become trapped in recycling endless possibilities and options over and over and over again. Sometimes, I think the simplest, most straightforward solution is the best one.

In your situation, the taxi is the best solution for you I think. You can also use Uber. Your friend is too much of an uncertainty, and calling a volunteer requires too much extra organisation. Be kind to yourself and make things easy for yourself: get a taxi.

If the refuge has said that the place is yours, then I think there are two things you can do today, as in right now:

1. Pack a bag in advance, including all your sentimental belongings and all your paperwork.
2. Book a taxi in advance. You will feel so settled and confident knowing you have booked it a few days ahead of time. When you book it, you can double check the price with them to put your mind at rest.

That's just two things you can do today that are going to make you feel so good about yourself.

I am so proud of you, you sound so much calmer. You sound very confident, actually. You can do this and we are here to help you through it.

Sorry I just wrote a reply but it disappeared when I clicked post. Maybe for the best as it was another rambling long one.

Just really wanted to thank you for your kind reply. I think you're right about can being best.
Thank you so much. I'm also so sorry you've also been through it all. I really hope things are getting better now for you.

I know most people have lost patience with me for not leaving yet. I know it's annoying.

I'm terrified of it all still, of ending up homeless after refuge, being without him, scared of what he'll do if I leave, etc, but I'm trying to do it.
Just ignore the rambling rubbish below. I feel I need to get it off my chest but don't need or expect replies.

Confidence knocked today. I called the council in the new area. They just wouldn't answer my questions. I'd rather the truth even if it's not what I want to hear. It helps me prepare mentally. Nervous to take the refuge now. Think maybe need to find a better area for housing after refuge. Either secure social housing or where landlords take benefits tenants. The council today was almost worse than the London ones. They kept dodging my questions. I've spoken to several different ones over the past few years and it's much less mentally difficult speaking to honest ones. I'm thinking I'll be too vulnerable in this particular area. Maybe I'm panicking.

It didn't help I also called my local charity after. I felt so scared and last week they'd been so understanding, taking me they'd be able to support me leaving and advocate, like with police or council, even if it was needed quickly. I wanted to finally get the risk assessment over with, but got a different person today. I've completely given up on them now. I feel so upset about it. I end up feeling alone and unable to risk trusting my life in DV workers hands.

They seem to switch just like my partner does. Now they're saying that, after all, there is a three week wait for help. For everyone referred regardless of the situation, and they're primarily emotional support service. Last week they said advocate too but different staff tell me different things. It makes it very hard to risk trusting my life in a support services hands.

Today they questioned why I needed to leave, especially so soon. Last week a different staff member was the one telling me I should leave whilst he's away. They made me feel like a fraud or like I was exaggerating. Maybe I am? They seem concerned only if very recent physical violence like past few weeks or month. Also not sure they believed me about his threats. I ended up trying to persuade them I needed to leave. Now I think if I have to do that, maybe they're right. Not so urgent to leave?

Anyway. I have to decide overnight. I can't promise I can go through with it. I'll try though.