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Support thread-trapped in an unhappy relationship and can’t leave/can’t leave yet

(900 Posts)
Idontkowmyname Wed 18-Dec-19 22:14:52

I thought I might start a thread to help those of us trapped in unhappy relationships over the stressful Xmas/New Year period. Have a moan, have a rant, debrief and hopefully feel less isolated/alone when it appears everyone else is playing happy families.
Ironically saw something on Facebook which said stop comparing your outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels which I thought was quite apt given the time of year.

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Thismummyruns Wed 18-Dec-19 22:56:59

I don't know if I'm genuinely unhappy or just in a relationship rut. Don't want to make any rash decisions so I've given Xmas as my time to assess what I want from our relationship and whether OH changes my mind (he has no idea).
I feel really crappy at the moment hmm

GoingCrazy675 Wed 18-Dec-19 23:01:08

Just what I need right now! Me and OH have had yet another pointless argument and feeling so frustrated by it. Not been happy for a while but with 2 kids and a ton of debt not sure how to change the situation 😥

SodaSodaBanana Wed 18-Dec-19 23:05:03

I thought addressing things and bringing it to a end after Xmas would be better for the kids - and the atmosphere while we’re all together over the holidays would be bearable. But I’m dreading New Years and toasting another happy year together as it will be a bare faced lie. tcrconfused

whonoes Wed 18-Dec-19 23:09:14

I’d like to join please

Idontkowmyname Wed 18-Dec-19 23:28:41

@Thismummyruns that’s good you’ve given yourself time to process things and reflect what you want out of your relationship/life.
Would it be worthwhile writing a journal or even some notes to help you get your thoughts in order. Do you feel able to talk to dh? I’m not for a second suggesting you tell him you are contemplating leaving more an opportunity to address some concerns and then perhaps how he responds and whether anything changes as a result might help you see things clearer. “D”H and I have these lengthy chats and I think we’ve got somewhere and then in a matter of days we are almost back to square one.

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Idontkowmyname Wed 18-Dec-19 23:36:54

@GoingCrazy675 ah yes the pointless arguments. I don’t know if you can relate to the fact at times the arguments are never really about what’s argued about and that they are in fact symptomatic of the bigger picture. Perhaps there are even times when you don’t know what it was that started the whole thing off.
I’m in a similar situation mortgaged up to my eyeballs and dc to consider.
In reference to your username, the whole thing can make you feel like your going crazy can’t it, especially if their interpretation of things is different from yours. Glad you’ve joined us.

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Idontkowmyname Wed 18-Dec-19 23:52:02

@SodaSodaBanana I’m not sure if there ever is a good time to end a relationship, however Jan tends to be peak time for relationship breakups and with family lawyers/divorce lawyers. I think everything just comes to a head at this time of year.
I can relate to dread of starting another year together and the expectation to be all soppy and affectionate. And don’t get me started on how sickly sweet some of the Christmas cards are at this time of year. Hoping he’s not bought be one this year as I couldn’t bring myself to put my name on one this year.

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Idontkowmyname Wed 18-Dec-19 23:58:35

@whonoes welcome to the thread that we all wish we didn’t need to be part of. Feel free to share as little or as much as you feel able/want to. If just lurking helps then that’s good too.

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Grumblina Thu 19-Dec-19 00:00:03

I had made the initial decision to end my relationship but he has since returned and we are attempting to work through things. He’s made a lot of promises and I do love him but I’m not sure that I’ve caved in just because of the time of year and I can’t deal with a break up fall out at Xmas

Danielradcliffesperfectarse Thu 19-Dec-19 00:07:18

Yes... Me.
Im just deeply unhappy, but not all the time. Undecided. In love with someone else for 6 years, he feels the same. But can't leave for someone else, life is OK, generally, if I keep busy, keep engaging with the kids, forget how little I am attracted to him or how little we talk, really talk.
We are away over Xmas and I know he will expect sex, expect us to have cosy evening in after the kids are asleep., but the thought makes me shudder.
Hes a good man, just emotionally stunted and caught up with work and doesn't take responsibility for the kids or the wife work, I've built up resentment for years and I've had enough.
But, like a previous poster, I don't know if I'm just stuck in a rut. I'm giving it 9 months, counselling, then will see. My dear is he will step up, do everything I ask (after 17 years of asking! ) and I still won't want yo be with him. Because no reasons seem like rough really, to split up the family, etc..

Idontkowmyname Thu 19-Dec-19 00:12:56

@Grumblina please don’t feel like your decision to make things work is forever, it’s a call you’ve made in the here and now. Take a day at a time and once the silly season is over, take some time to reflect upon whether you feel things have changed for the better and take things from there.

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Idontkowmyname Thu 19-Dec-19 00:20:11

@Danielradcliffesperfectarse I can relate to so much of what you posted although I’m pondering whether “d”h is in fact a good man he most definitely is emotionally stunted . Please don’t allow yourself to be guilted or forced into having sex and/or being intimate it will only lead to further resentment and reinforce the feelings of disconnect. Imo the emotional disconnect is reason enough to consider leaving him, everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel valued and connected to their partner.

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Danielradcliffesperfectarse Thu 19-Dec-19 00:27:13

Thanks and well done for managing to read my awful typos...
Yes, been avoiding it for week. But ran out of excuses, was awful.
Not doing that again until I'm feeling it, don't think I will but I'm so confused by my feelings for exciting, not so new, very not emotionally stunted man..

cocotiger Thu 19-Dec-19 01:38:29

I don't know if I'm too scared to post or just scared in general but I wish I could say out loud how I feel. I've been in abusive relationships before so I should know better yet I don't , I can't, I end up here again.

Sametimenextyear Thu 19-Dec-19 02:13:57

Wow, yay... Please can I join in here too?!. After 21 years & 5 DC still at home this is where my marriage is at. I thought I could get through Xmas & new years but apparently not. All of it came to a head a few days ago & I blurted it all out. Presently trying to sell it to the kids in a positive way. Huge conversation yesterday to chill any fears they'll never see him again. I guess we're being as amicable as we can, hence still doing Xmas together. He'll move out & go live with his dad. His dad is 86 & really does need help. I'm struggling a bit. The kids think we're taking a break.... So does dh , but in all honesty I think I want more than that. Trying to break it slowly & gently to everyone.

ihavedefinitelygotthis Thu 19-Dec-19 05:44:14

Can I join - this is just what I need to help me survive this period . Trapped in an unhappy marriage because I can’t afford to leave. We can barely afford to run one home in the area we live in and could not afford two - so this is where I stay. Once youngest has left school I dream of moving to the other end of the country where I hope I can buy a property of my own. I can then start to put the last 20+ years of misery behind me!

JanesKettle Thu 19-Dec-19 06:11:22

Thanks. I'm in this position too.

Need to leave; can't leave yet. Money reasons + personal stuff I'm trying to work through in therapy.

He's a newly sober alcoholic sad Good for him, but it's too late for me. I dealt with it for 19 years, and it broke me. Putting myself back together now, but man, I could do without Christmas pressure. I really hate that I can't yet be honest about things.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie Thu 19-Dec-19 06:50:56

Hello. I’ll join too.
Been working through the problems for several years. Personal counselling for me and two separate dreadful marriage guidance counsellors for us both.

None of it has changed my mind. I decided last year that I no longer love him.

His behaviour has just been so appalling over the years. No actual DV per se, but my head is fucked due to his coercive control.

We are away over Christmas so at least it sidesteps the traditional day.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie Thu 19-Dec-19 06:51:33

Meant to say married 25 years.

SodaSodaBanana Thu 19-Dec-19 07:00:33

@Idontkowmyname we should have broken up a few months ago but it was almost DDs birthday and as the others have said in jus focusing on my kids. I’ve spoken to a solicitor, got a financial advisor and mumsnet have wisely advised against mediation (as it’s unlikely to help). Just need to get through the ‘happiest time of the year’ and make the leap.

Thanks for setting up the thread - totally needed!

Sheddingskins Thu 19-Dec-19 07:44:16

Would like to join too. Am a little further down the line..we are one month into a trial separation. 19 years married and three DCs at home. Took a very long time to get to this point and completely understand how hard it is to make that decision. Early days but we are all coping at the moment. Christmas is going to be tough.

nocluewhattodoo Thu 19-Dec-19 08:46:43

Can I join in? It's incredibly lonely being trapped in a terrible relationship as you can't talk about it to people in real life, or I can't at least. We broke up before but he harassed me so much while we were apart it was unbearable, made arranging contact a nightmare, DD was utterly miserable and my parents who I was living with basically sent me back to him saying it was best for DD. We cannot afford to run two households, not married and I'm not taking DD to live in a refuge so for now I put up with it all. I wish now I hadn't come back because it's the same as it always was but I had pretty much zero support when leaving and no clue how to go through courts, if I could afford it etc. Once DD is at school I should be able to study then earn more and leave but that's at least 2 years away. I fantasise about winning the lottery and running away on a regular basis

Idontkowmyname Thu 19-Dec-19 08:53:32

@cocotiger welcome to the thread. Sorry to hear that you been in the situation before. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s not about should know better. The abuser knows how to reel us in and the bottom line is they masquerade as a normal loving partner until we are well and truly in love(hooked). If they were complete assholes from the outset they would all be single.
It’s not something I’ve looked at myself but many people speak very highly of the freedom program. Alternatively, I can recommend a book by Lundy Bancroft called why does he do that. It’s worth a read and something you can keep going back to as and when needed. Take care.

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LadyContrary Thu 19-Dec-19 19:01:50

May I join in please? We just agreed to try counselling again (together). I’m not convinced but feel I should give it another go for DC.
We don’t hate each other. Ok maybe sometimes I feel I do. But the relationship has run its course in so many ways. I can’t move on for financial reasons atm.
We’re mostly good at playing happy families, it just sometimes hits me how pointless it is.

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