For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

@12345kbm things are a bit complicated so I’ve been given a specialist family law contact. I just need to get some money together to pay for the appt without alerting dh. Might ask my DB for a loan.

Idontkniwmyname going through similar
Happy to offer any help for you
It is so scary

And the fake allegations against me
Laughable almost 😡😡😡

@Idontkowmyname have you tried the Family Law Panel? They offer a reduced fee for those earning under a certain amount. You can also negotiate with some solicitors on fees for example, paying in instalments rather than in a lump sum. I assume you've already checked to see if you are entitled to Legal Aid.

You say 'specialist' so since all solicitors who deal with divorce are Family Law solicitors, I'm assuming there is a disability involved to make it more complex. You could try contacting the National Association for the disability such as Scope or the NAS for advice.

In order to save money, it helps to prepare as much as possible. Have you read up on divorce or separation and organised the documents? Let me know what you need and I can hopefully point you in the right direction. Check out Gingerbread and the CABx website first.

@dublingirl66 I've never heard of an abuser who didn't accuse their victim of abuse. Par for the course, I'm afraid.

Just wanted to reach out as I’m feeling pretty deflated by it all. We should be making the most of the extra time together instead, I’m doing my best to avoid him and not rise to his bait.
A new first, he was out of the house for work and managed to pick a fight with me via text. Oh and apparently “oh wow, that’s cool” is not a sufficiently positive response for when he showed me the view from his new office.
I’m over it all.....

I'm really sorry to bring this thread back. I'm sorry. I'm also really sorry if I'm getting information wrong or panicking too much. It feels like every time I try to sort it all out something happens to go wrong.

I've been so frozen but finally started getting a bit more organised in my mind and about plans. I think I'm very slowly accepting I have to try again to leave before it's too late. I'm so scared of it all including cutting him off. Then I'm also still so scared of him. I can't work out if he hates me and likes hurting me and is only nice when he is nice to stop me going to the police or if it's because he cares. I think he cared because he says he doesn't care if he's arrested again as even if he's charged he'll get a slap on the wrist but I'll still be destroyed and homeless. He's right. Anyway sorry for rambling.

Quick question. I suppose maybe I've asked it before. I'm really sorry. I just want to get it all as clear as possible. I admit I also desperately hope to get the answer I feel I need but have to try to accept it's probably not possible.

Anyway. Things are changing all the time with the virus situation. Please can someone tell me. Two questions. Would I really get a refuge place? I've read on women's aid and the London wide websites refuges were full as it's hard to move people on during the virus.

The other question is now travel is happening a bit again. Would I be able to get somewhere completely out of London. It scares me to leave everything I've ever known but I know I can't cope with staying. I need to start again completely somewhere new. I'd feel so much safer. There's also the housing being more affordable so less chance of long term homelessness but even ifI got a flat offered in London I'd feel like looking over shoulders forever. I know it's got loads of people living here but I have bumped into people I know and so has he. It's also so much bad and traumatic memories. I think I need a new place to have a chance of recovering. I don't know if it's possible to recover if it's been my whole life though.

Anyway. Sorry for rambling and for bringing back this thread. I thought it was better than starting a new one. Sorry if that's wrong. Tell me to go away or start a new one if you prefer. I understand.

Sorry. Last post was far too long and rambled. Sorry. I'm a bit frightened today. I think things may come to a head in a few weeks. He's being weird again. Saying he may not come back so I'll end up homeless and saying it's because he gets called an abuser here. I don't know if he means me or the neighbours. I know I shouldn't have said it but I've called him one in arguments. The neighbours called him a wife beater so he's furious about that. It came out of the blue tonight. One minute he was being nice then he went funny. He threatened to not come back and make me homeless. I admit I'm frightened of that, more than being hit, but I'm scared also of what he'll do to me if he gives notice and loses his deposit if I don't move out. Sorry for rambling.

I genuinely was trying to organise something but things escalated and I think I've less time than I thought.

I spoke anonymously to the local DV service today. They were very nice but I don't think they can help me. They can't help me find a place out of London except possibly just outside. They also said they're more for emotional support although they can write letters to council, etc but no guarantee. They have a three week waiting list too. I'm terrified of being seen as high risk, police being involved, but no safe place to go. He's threatened before to get other people he knows (who are violent and not scared of police) to have me and other people put in hospital. I can't stay here if police get involved again.

Sorry for the rambling. I've been trying to get through to the national helpline but they're obviously inundated. I suppose I'm not an immediate priority but I think I need to try to go before it's an emergency. Also when I'm physically well enough.

I tried to explain a bit more to my GP but the appointment time ran out. I have an appointment next week but panicking until then.

Sorry again for the rambling. I feel a bit hopeless. I don't know if I'll get somewhere safe to stay and if so can leave where I am. Please tell me if I can. I understand if you don't know.

It's far easier for you to be house outside London @plantlife so the only thing you have to do is ask and try and get that sorted out. It's also easier to get a housing association/council place outside London.

The only people who can answer those questions are the council or Refuge. Life has opened up a lot more and it's far easier to move people on now and it will be over the next few weeks as well.

Options:

Contact Shelter
Contact your local council at the housing office
Contact Refuge
Get in contact with those nice people at the domestic abuse organisation and they can advocate for you.

@Idontkowmyname you've changed and he can sense it. What he normally does to get a rise out of you is no longer working so he's upped his game. I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

@plantlife we cross posted.

Well done on contacting the DV organisation!!!!!

I'm sorry. I have just one more question. I'm sorry. It's just so hard dealing with it all and I've got lots of other stuff to deal with to. It feels overwhelming and terrifying and impossible to do. I don't think I'm strong enough. I know it's my fault for not getting the help in time. I know it takes time as they're so busy. I'm frightened I've left it too late. I was so scared of getting him into trouble. Terrified he'd be arrested if I did the risk assessment. I can't cope with the thought of a court case. He says he'll destroy me and he will. I'm already a mess. I'm so stupid because I'm also terrified of losing him. He's all I've got. I've been so cut off for so long. I feel like hiding at home forever but it's not a safe sanctuary even though I wish it was. I feel like I'm betraying him but I feel so stupid. I'm completely dependent on him for housing because of what he did to me but I let him. I should've got away before it got like this.

Anyway. Two questions. Sorry. If I manage to get through to anywhere that may be able to help find me somewhere safe. Will they believe I'm at risk? I feel terrified of that meeting and police involvement but also scared it will be like when I asked for help in the past. The place that seemed to dismiss what I'd told them. I keep reading strangling or choking is serious but the woman I spoke to about a year ago said it wasn't serious in my case. I admit it wasn't proper strangling as I could breathe and he said it was just restraining me. I wasn't doing anything to need restraining. It was an argument and he grabbed me and stopped me moving away by holding me around the neck with his arms. I had no marks but a funny sucked balloon voice and sore throat and jaw for a few days. Anyway. It was several years ago now so they probably won't think I'm at risk. It feels like I can't win though. If they think it's not risk now they won't help me but if they think it's a risk they may involve the police (and still not be able to guarantee a safe place to go).

Is there a way out? Can I get help without police? Can I get help in time? If there's several weeks waiting list for the local place would the national charity be able to help? I think I may have to leave my number for a call back but no point if they can't help.

I'm sorry for panicking and rambling. I can't stop thinking about the place I called just before lockdown. I was scared and he'd got nasty. He went to smash a bottle on my head but stopped. They said they couldn't guarantee finding me a refuge. I'm scared I can't get help. I can't stay here once anything kicks off. I want to as it feels safer hiding here from the world but if I lose him his deposit or the police get involved I won't be safe being where he knows. I wish I could stay though. Sorry again. I will try to stay away again. I ramble too much and I know I try everyone's patience.

@plantlife he's going to kill you. I'm sure this has been said to you before and your mental health is really, really suffering because of the abuse. Yes you are at risk, very much so.

They won't go to the police. No one will go to the police. You've been reassured of this I don't know how many times. You've also had contact with the council and various organisations and none of them have contacted the police so you already have experience of this.

I really don't want to get caught up with these circular arguments with you again.

Please contact the relevant organisations (who won't contact the police) and get your housing sorted asap.

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry for rambling away. It seemed to happen all in one go. I know it's pathetic but I felt proud of myself. I told the GP a bit more this week and I felt ready to try to plan a way out with her support. Then he was being so weird and I'm frightened of what will happen and what he'll do. I feel like I'm going to get him into trouble just to not be homeless and hate myself for that. I keep questioning if I'm being fair. He's done so much for me and all I really want is him to be with me and everything to be ok.

I don't think the local organisation can help me. They were very nice but said they can't help with housing outside London. They only have local links. They said they're mainly emotional support. They write letters to housing departments but can't organise any or guarantee anything. I suppose maybe they could write the letter to councils anywhere in the UK. I think I might need the emotional support but I've left it too late with them as their waiting list is three weeks.

Council no good. They want police crime reference. I don't want police involvement but anyway I don't have one. He's never been charged and the police think it's me being mentally ill. It's so hard also. The council may find me somewhere but I suppose I won't feel safe staying local. He has friends here. I wish I could stay though.

I suppose I'll try Refuge and leave my number for a call back. I'm trying not to panic. I plan to properly explain to my GP next week. I think maybe it's best going with her and the care coordinator. I still feel frozen with fear to act. He kept changing how he was and I'm scared to do something final and never see him again if he's just threatening me but doesn't mean it. I realise I need him emotionally. Even if I got a flat I think I'll struggle without him my life. I know I need to go away and calm down and try to wait for Monday.

Sorry and thank you again. Please tell me he won't be arrested if I tell the GP or refuge about the worst violence. I know you've said before but I'm terrified. I feel physically sick about police involvement. The choking and also the blaze of glory comment happened over a year ago so nothing recent.

@plantlife I wish I could be there with you to reassure you. Yes the GP is a great idea. You sound a lot calmer actually. Please just speak to the GP and Refuge you don't have to wait for Monday it's a 24 hour number. It's confidential and they won't call the police: 0808 2000 247 Tell them what's going on and ask about a refuge outside London.

You can also contact Shelter on Monday - you've called them before and they didn't contact the police.

I assure you, no one is going to call the police.

Sorry again. I posted before I saw your reply. I'm sorry. I know I'm being difficult. You can see why he loses it with me.
I'm panicking I suppose. It makes me ramble and go round in circles. I just feel so not strong enough for any more upheaval or major life change especially with the virus still out there..I got to like it here. Finally started to feel safe and managed stupid little things like washing every day and taking the bins out finally. I'd got into such a bad way. I just want to hide here. I'd been thinking of asking the landlord to keep just me on for a bit to give me time to get my physical health better and try the sanctuary scheme. I think I can afford the rent for now as I saved a little from Christmas and birthday money. I found out sanctuary is offered here but has a different name. Now I think I'm too scared. I'd have to explain at least a bit of it to the landlord and I suppose my partner would find out and go mad. He's already said he'll tell them I'm mentally ill and lying. He was being horrible this week going on about my bladder issues. He said I'm disgusting. I know it's probably nothing to do with him but it might be and he stopped me getting it seen. I'm betraying him writing here. I think he'll probably leave me alone but I can't be sure. I suppose the fear will be awful even if he doesn't do anything to me.

Anyway. Sorry and thank you again. Hopefully getting our the fears here will spur me on next week. I think maybe I'll email the care coordinator. I trust my GP and think I trust the care coordinator too.

I suppose it doesn't make a difference but I've always spoken anonymously to the council and DV services so they can't call the police. They don't know who I am. I suppose I did once start a risk assessment with one local place but my phone battery ran out and I lost my nerve. They had my name and address and I'd told them about him threatening to kill me. They didn't call the police so hopefully you're right.

Thank you and sorry again. I'll go away now and thank you for the space to vent. I'll try to come back with a better update if I manage to have the strength. I think I trust my GP so I'll start there. It's just so daunting and frightening.

Your GP is a great way to start and I'm glad you have someone to trust. Let me know how it goes. In the meantime, you have the number for Refuge above in case you need further information.

I think it was this thread that the book The verbally abused by Patricia Evans was recommended to me.

Long before I joined mumsnet, I lurked on threads and read on numerous occasions that couples therapy/ marriage counselling was contraindicated in an abusive relationship.

However Patricia states in her book “ ask your mate to go to this counsellor with you. First and calmly tell your mate that in order to have a happier and more satisfying relationship you want him to go and see a counsellor with you”.

I’m really confused as I was told that any professional/ethical therapist who identified abuse in a relationship would not facilitate couples counselling. The counselling just gives him a further situation to manipulative and further ammunition to use against his partner as part of his abuse.

@12345kbm what are your thoughts on the above?

Absolutely not - you never go into counselling with an abuser. They are very manipulative and can get the counsellor onside plus they have a tendency to twist what the counsellor says, further gaslighting and abusing their victim.

I do recommend that you do counselling yourself though. It will help build your confidence.

Are you recognising anything from the book?

@12345kbm the book is very informative on the whole. I’m just not particularly impressed by some of the stock phrases she uses as responses to the different types of verbal abuse. Some of them don’t seem fluid or natural(linguistically not I’d feel awkward saying them) and some are bordering on downright antagonistic.
I’ve highlighted lots of statements that really resonate with me. I’m just really thrown that she would suggest something that imo is almost verging on dangerous depending upon the circumstances. In a way, it almost invalidates some of her fantastic work elsewhere in the book as to me it demonstrates that she doesn’t fully understand the “psyche” of an abuser.

I'm glad you're finding it useful. I think the main take away from the book is regarding the mindset of the abuser. You think that you are coming into a disagreement with the same goal in mind - to resolve the issue and move on. That's not how it works with abusers as they are looking to dominate and control, to win and maintain the upper hand. Once you realise that, you realise how you're wasting your time trying to get them to see your point of view or reach a compromise. It's quite freeing because abuse makes you feel as though you're going mad, you often hear survivors saying 'How can I get him to understand?' They don't realise that he understands but he isn't interested in their point of view or rectifying the situation. It's why you often simply repeat arguments as he's looking to win. Winning means you shut up and put up. Unless you're prepared to do that, give up any semblance of yourself, he'll keep grinding you down. And even then, if you have a sadist he'll just find another way of demeaning you.

I'm really sorry to come back again. I'm also sorry if I'm repeating anything. I'm just so frightened. Things are getting bad with him again. I realised I was so scared of the housing problem I'm having to be prepared to beg him to come back. He still won't say when and if. I realised today be careful what you wish for. The way he's being reminded me of the awful times. It feels sort of oppressive and suffucating fear when he's here especially when he's like the way he's being at the moment. So many times he'd be violent or rage and threaten then walk out and not answer his phone and leave me in a state of frozen fear not knowing what he'd do next.

Anyway sorry for rambling. Basically I think I want to leave as soon as possible. So the local service is no point calling as they have three week waiting list. I don't really want to leave but think I need to. I'm terrified of what he's going to do. I'm also so scared of what non physical damage he'll do if I leave. I think he wants to be the one to leave if anyone does. He won't want me to. I want to stay but know I can't because I feel safe hiding indoors. I wasn't physically able to go out for so long and then he didn't like me going out so it's become my normal. It's so hard to suddenly change and also the fear about the virus and services being stretched more because of it. It feels safe hiding. Away from the virus but also the whole world.

Anyway I think I'm ready to leave and need to before I lose my strengths or something else goes wrong. I always wanted to think he didn't mean to hurt me whether it's verbal or physical but now I think maybe he either doesn't care even if I die or maybe he even likes hurting me. He seems sometimes to have contempt for me. I want to explain a few things that happened or maybe just be able to tell someone but I ramble too much.

Just some questions if anyone knows. I'm trying to prepare myself for finally asking for help and giving my details. Please tell me will I definitely get somewhere safe to go? I've had refuge numbers in the past but the places were all gone or only for women with children. I'm terrified of giving my details and risking things out of my control but for nothing if no safe place to go.

I don't understand why you see me as high risk but the place I called just before lockdown obviously didn't as they wouldn't help me find a place to go. I asked them to help me, told them about the violence, and told them refuge numbers they'd given had been filled. They said there's no guarantee I'd find somewhere. I'm frightened I won't be given anywhere. Will Refuge definitely be able to find me somewhere? I'm scared there's no way out. Sorry I'm just feeling scared.

@plantlife deep breaths. You're going to be ok.

I want you to contact Refuge now and let me know what they say. I'll wait here until I hear from you and we'll take it from there. 0808 2000 247

Sorry I always ramble too much. Trying to ask a few quick questions. I want to go through my GP for help but things are weird and a bit scary with him and I think I need to start getting balls rolling asap. The GP isn't free until later in the week and I think she'd have to refer me to other places for help anyway and it takes time. I know I still need gp support to deal with leaving and how he might react. So I think I need to try to be strong enough to try to find somewhere safe to go. I'll try calling the council but won't hold my breath. They massively gatekeep. I'll be put on hold and cut off or told to call back or told they need police evidence, etc. I know my particular council don't even help much when there's children. There have been two cases in the local papers over the past few years.

Anyway sorry. I know I need to shut up and just ask the questions. I don't think anyone can answer though. Will I really get a place to go to? The websites all say refuge places are limited and 64% of referrals are turned down last year. I've had places been full or only if you have children so I know I may not get anywhere? I'm frightened of giving my details but not being helped.

The other question is I'm terrified of things getting nasty. Im scared of what he'll do. He'll try to destroy me. He has a video clip of me hitting myself. It was just once I promise. He'd been violently raging for hours, telling me to kill myself, saying other really awful things including shouting about my parents hitting me saying I deserved it and it was so horrible and humiliating that the neighbours could hear and I was frightened of him. I sort of fell apart and hit a shaving foam bottle on my face. No marks or injuries. He came into the bedroom and filmed it. I thought he'd come in to apologise. Will they believe me, police or GPs or DV places if I tell them the truth? I've got recordings of him admitting some of his violence to me and also threatening to attack the neighbour. Is that enough evidence? In case things get nasty and police involved. Sorry for rambling.

@Idontkowmyname I'm sorry. I think I might've sounded dismissive of your thread shout not yet being ready to leave abusive relationships. Sorry. I really didn't mean that. I actually got confused when it was recommended to me. I thought it was a different thread. Anyway I'm sorry you're still in your situation. I really hope you can leave soon. It's so hard to do.

I'm sorry @12345kbm I didn't see your reply before posting again. I feel so touched you offered to stay and wait. You've already helped more than enough. It means a lot though that you were kind to offer. Thank you.
I can't face trying them now. They're so busy and I can never get through even at 4am. It's not their fault as it's just so much demand. I'll have to leave my number for a call back and I'm so tired now. I want to sleep then try tomorrow. I'll let you know what happens. I'm sorry for panicking. I just wish I could safely stay here. I'm going to discuss maybe doing the sanctuary scheme but I don't know if I feel ok to stay where he knows I am and the landlord may say no too. I'm thinking it through. I'll try to sleep now and try to be strong and do what I need to do tomorrow. Thank you so much again.

@planlife I want you to believe me when I say that first I believe you. I believe you 100% and second, you will be believed by others as they've seen a lot worse. It's common for perpetrators to claim to be victims.

You cannot know what help is available until you call to find out. You can do that yourself now, while I wait (you don't have to do anything or act on it now) or, you can wait for your GP to refer you.

You must tell the truth. You must tell them how frightened you are and that he has punched, choked and threatened you. He has also posted videos online of you.

To get a refuge space you don't need 'evidence' - no one is going to ask you for evidence! Fleeing in fear for your life is enough. That is what you are doing.

At the refuge are trained support workers who can help you to find long term housing. They can support you and advise you. They have heard it all before and worse, believe me, you don't want to know some of the horror stories women are fleeing from. No one will judge you. No one will disbelieve you.