For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

@12345kbm A friend has ordered it for me. However, I’ve started reading the book using the sample available online.

@Idontkowmyname good, I hope you find it useful.

I'm really sorry I never came back here sooner and I'm really really sorry I took so much time from everyone. I haven't done anything about it all because I don't really need to I suppose. I don't know when he's coming back because it's now him saying he doesn't feel safe coming back. I think he's worried because he's higher risk too and doesn't want to be in a more dangerous place. I know it sounds bad maybe but I'm thinking I need him back.

I don't think I'm coping without him. I felt quite good for a bit and was pretending everything's ok like I'm a different confident almost normal person but it's definitely a cold hard world out there and he's the only person really in the world who's there for me. I'm not an easy person to love or even like. I think I used to be more likeable but I never really fitted in. It's really obvious now with the virus situation.

I'm missing him being here and think maybe that's the best I can ever have. It's definitely better than how it is without him. Anyway it's a waste of your time reading this. Sorry. I might as well go now because anyway even if things were bad with him there's nothing that can be done as I'm stuck here and it's not going to be safe to leave for a long time. I don't even need to leave though at the moment I suppose. The worse thing in the world is if he doesn't come back. I'll end up with no home but even if I got somewhere it's horrible on my own. It's not because of no relationship, it's the being completely alone in a world where most people only care about their own family. He was there for me. I focused too much on the bad stuff. I know it sounds shocking but it's not like major injuries anyway. I think a few minor scuffles and a few nasty words in anger are nowhere near as bad as other types of life.

Sorry, just rambling too much now. Getting it out. I need my life back that I had before the virus. Maybe if the virus hadn't happened I may have been able to start my life again but I think at my age with my bad health and after starting again several times already, I was being greedy wanting more. I've learnt to be grateful for what I had. Maybe also if I wasn't trapped here I'd feel more confident. Sorry. I'll shut up. I only meant to say sorry as I took so much time from you but never replied again. Thank you for being so kind and helping everyone. Most people are more normal than me and have more time and chances to start again so your help is definitely really helping people.

@plantlife it's good to see you back. You have the info you need about housing, you have the contact information for your local dv service and I've given you details for the Woman's Trust for therapy. If you choose to stay, then there's little anyone can do. Just try to keep yourself as safe as you can, know to dial 999 next time he attacks you and try to see your Dr about your ongoing health issues won't you.

I'm glad he's still not there with you as you're at least safe for now.

BTW I don't know if you saw the post but those fleeing domestic abuse are considered 'priority need' now and should be entitled to be housed. It might be an idea to contact Shelter and get further info on that before contacting the council.

Thank you for being so kind and I really am sorry to let you and everyone else down. I don't want to upset or worry anyone. I know I need to think it all through more. I lost my confidence and he's been my life for so long. Thank you for the post about the housing thing. I'll try to not give up completely on other options. I don't have to decide yet I suppose so I have time to think. Sorry again and thank you again too.

@plantlife you don't have to keep apologising. There is no harm in finding out information, doesn't mean you have to act on it as soon as you get it. I'm just glad you're ok. I was worried about you.

I’m so glad I found this thread and joined MN. I have been in a relationship with a man for 10 years now. Typical story, he was lovely for the first year when I was in my 20s and said all the right things. He is a lot older than me and treated me well back then like a gentleman.
Then things started to get bad. He started by telling me he no longer loved me. So I said “ok well that’s sad and I’m gutted but I will make provisions to leave” to which he said no don’t do that please stay. Stupidly I stayed. Over the years it’s progressed to horrible mental abuse, cheating on me 4 times, strangling me, Restraining and punching me, slapping me, pushing me down the stairs, stabbing me with nail files and pushing me over in front of the oven or cabinet so I fall into it so he can laugh at me for being “clumsy”. He’s always calling me fat, I hasten to add I am a size 10-12 but he likes the anorexic look. He hit me so hard when I was 8 months pregnant that I had to hide in the house until my black eye disappeared.

I had his baby girl in January. I didn’t mean to fall pregnant and I was on the pill and didn’t find out for months as I put no weight on and had no symptoms. He loves the baby and they have got a lovely relationship but he treats me so awfully. I want to stay with him for her sake but I just don’t think I can accept being treated like this for the rest of my life. I know so many times there are two sides to the story but I have never once done wrong by this man. I am loyal and I have always been a good decent person. I think last night when he said to me he wanted to cave my face in as it would make me look slimmer I just realised I needed to talk to someone who doesn’t know me. I am well aware you will all think I am stupid and I probably am but from what I’ve learned about abuse is that for some reason it’s very hard to leave... and I really understand that now :(

@Tiffany1983 first, I'm really sorry to hear that things are that bad. I know it's hard to leave and I understand how conflicted you are over leaving.

Do you want to say a bit more about your situation? Housing wise, do you rent or own? Are you married?

@Tiffany1983 please listen very carefully to what I'm going to tell you - you and your baby are in danger. You have to leave and you have to leave as soon as you can to protect yourself and your child.

When you're in an abusive relationship, especially when you're young and perhaps inexperienced, it's very easy to get sucked in. Once you're in, you can't see how bad it is because it's your daily life and it's what you're used to.

This is bad. I want you to know that I believe you 100% in that you are in no way to blame for any of this. That none of this is your fault.

If you let me know your situation, I can do what I can to guide you.

Hi 1235kbm. I don’t think for one second he would hurt the baby. Me, yes he has no problem hitting me whatsoever as I know too well. We bought a house in April 2018. I don’t know why I did it, I should have gone but as we know it’s not that easy sadly. I wish it was. I’m stuck with him
For a while I know that, but not forever I hope. :) I honestly just wanted to get it off my chest. It’s lonely being in lockdown with him and it’s just a shame it’s ended up this way.

@Tiffany1983 it's common for abusers to hurt their children in order to get at their mothers. No one thinks their partner would be capable of doing something like that, until he does. He has strangled you OP, which is an indicator of homicide. You really need to act.

Let's take this one step at a time. Can you please contact FLOWS? They are open Monday – Friday on 0203 745 7707 or leave a message out of hours. If you can't talk on the phone, then you can email: [email protected] they also have a form you can send on their website.

They will discuss your legal options with you. Everything you tell them is confidential and they are trained in domestic abuse. You have several legal options here and they will go through them with you and support you.

Second, can you please pack a bag for yourself and your baby. Here is what to pack, although it doesn't matter if you can't get everything or if it's not safe to do it. Hide the bag within easy reach, or take it to a trusted friend or neighbour.

Keep your mobile charged and on you at all times. Keep some money on you if you can.

Please do not tell your partner you are thinking of leaving or have plans to leave or want to end the relationship as he may escalate the abuse. You are most in danger when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

Here's an app you can download which is disguised as a weather app. It has information on your local DV services, a place you can write down incidents for evidence and you can record audio and video on it. It's all saved online in case he takes your phone.

I forgot to say! If he attacks you again, please dial 999.

If you can't talk then dial 999 and press 55 when prompted. You can communicate with taps and coughs. There is also an emergency SMS system which you have to register for. Text 'register' to 999, you will get instructions to follow.

He slipped up last night and spoke to me in a very disrespectful way when he was on a zoom call. Responded with there’s no need to be so damn rude. I’m really glad he stuffed up in front of other people last night. Not many verbal abusers let their guard down in front of people not in their own household. How messed up is that when I’m relieved he’s done that. I’m just proud of myself for sticking up for myself but simultaneously saddened that I needed to.

@Idontkowmyname well done for standing your ground.

@12345kbm thanks. It’s exhausting standing my ground but necessary.
He’s now started trying to control my career under the guise of money concerns. Not allowed to do professional development apparently. Wishing he’d realise I’m going to insist on a separation if he keeps it up.

He's controlling you in lots of different ways because he's abusive.

I’m in rented
Things not good here . I have a disability and Sen children . What do I do . He says I have to go and he won’t

@Chouxalacreme Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, they are 24/7 0808 2000 247 You may be able to get yourself and the children into a refuge as a temporary fix.

First thing Tuesday, contact your local council and speak to them about housing. You should be considered 'priority need' as you are 1. fleeing abuse 2. have children with special needs and 3. Are vulnerable yourself due to a disability.

The refuge should be able to advise further on that and help you.

Let me know if you cannot do any of the above and I will try to find alternative advice.

If he is threatening you or you fear you are in danger dial 999. The police have the power to remove him for 2 days.

If he has been violent in the last week then contact the NCDV and speak to them about your legal options in having him removed.

I'm sorry to come back changing my mind again. I want to say it before I change my mind again. I do want to leave. I'm scared of him not coming back but also scared of him being back.

I think I'm just terrified of leaving because of housing and money fears and also being completely alone in the world with health problems. It's not just fears of what ifs because I've already been through all that and it was hellish and that's when I was younger and healthier so could get out and about or meet people for social interaction. I'm so frightened of being homeless or needing someone to be there for me. Just things like if you go to hospital. Like one of the procedures I put off, they want you to have someone pick you up after and stay with you 24 hours. I suppose I'm being stupid though because I was too scared to have the operation in case he got nasty after but it's things like that. Seeing what happened in care homes with the virus shows how bad things are if you're vulnerable and that's another reason why I'm so scared to risk putting my life in the hands of professionals. I'm not deliberately trying to not let go. It's just I can't help feeling terrified of trusting them. I did everything you're meant to do. I asked for help and it was such an awful experience not beimg helped. I went to my GP too and even showed bruises and they were so horrible. I know I've got a good GP now but when I asked for help with the old GP and the horrible local DV service, I had more chance of recovering. My mental health is obviously bad now but also my physical health.

I'm so frightened of ending up without a home. I saw your posts about priority need but where I am they just put people in a six month private let. So then I'd be homeless after that and no longer priority need without children. I'd have yo return to him actually as long as he'd take me back. I suppose it might be ok but I can't help feeling scared. I've tried several times in the past to rent somewhere so I could leave. Nowhere would take someone on benefits even though I had enough to pay 6 months upfront.

I'm sorry for the rambling and for being so negative. I know I need to try to start again and be strong and it might be ok. I suppose I'm feeling low tonight because he was awful today in messages and I remember all the horrible stuff with him and everything else. It's been good pretending everything's ok but maybe not so good as it's let me ignore problem that won't go away. Sorry. I'll try to be strong.

I'm still very scared of catching the virus if I leave. I've not even gone outside to take my bins out for a month although that's mainly shame about seeing the neighbours after everything they've heard.

I don't know how to leave safety as I can't drive? If I wasn't higher risk and in good health I wouldn't worry as much. It seems impossible. Maybe I'm panicking too much.

Anyway. Sorry. I'll try to actually do something about it all next week instead of moaning rambling here. I suppose I could maybe speak to the care coordinator I was referred to. I'm still so scared of it being taken out of my control. Especially during the virus.

@Idontkowmyname I know I shouldn't give advice when I can't take the advice myself. It's easier advising someone else. Anyway I really think you should try to leave as soon as you can. Please don't end up like me. He stopped me working so I ended up with no money to leave. You don't want to end up like that. It also messed up my professional reputation, like with references, networking opportunities because I messed up the work. I know it's so hard to leave but if you can try to do it whilst you're still in good physical health and working it's so much better.

@Chouxalacreme Is it private renting you're in? If it's social housing and your name is in the tenancy I think you can get his name removed if there's abuse? Also you can be transferred to another property if there's
abuse. It's really hard having to deal with it with health problems or disabilities. I know some refuges do have disabled access. You could maybe also get help from social services.

@plantlife welcome back. It's 'priority need' and permanent accommodation if you are homeless due to domestic abuse. However, contact Shelter first to double check and so that you are up to speed before contacting the council.

You can email them and then they'll hopefully get back to you in a few [email protected] Put in the Subject header: Priority Need due to Domestic Abuse enquiry - something like that, so they can direct you the right people.

Those lovely DV people you spoke to can also help.

@plantlife so sorry to hear that things are still so difficult for you. I just wanted to say it’s good to have you back on the thread(obviously wish the thread wasn’t even needed) and to say thank you for your wise words, I truly value your input and experience. You have reflected on your own life experiences and are trying to prevent me from falling deeper into his tangled web. That’s the very definition of empathy and not something to ever apologise for. Have a safe hug 🤗 from me even although I risk being banished from mumsnet and sent over to netmums!
Hope everyone else is doing as ok as they can and those south of the border are enjoying the additional modicum of freedom.

Thank you @Idontkowmyname that's really really kind. Thank you. I wish things were better for you too. It's so much earlier trying to help someone else as it's easier to say what to do but really hard to do it. I feel like if I can't help myself I really want to try to help others. I wish I'd done things sooner and keep looking back and keep having so much regrets. I hope you can get away and do it before he messes you up more.

I'm trying to build the courage to deal with it all tomorrow. I've been pretending everything's different and ok and not facing it. I don't think I'll do it. I'm so paralysed with all my fears. I genuinely think I would have left if I'd had the help when I first asked but maybe I would lost my courage. It's just I think maybe I'm too damaged now. I still had a bit of contact with friends and a bit of contact with work opportunities and better health when I tried to leave before. I'm such a mess now. I'm frightened of being vulnerable with noone in the world to be there for me in real life. I think maybe some of my old friends would understand if I told them the truth but it's too late for a proper friendship. It's been too many years gone now. It gradually got worse with him being so awful if I saw them I ended up being too scared to stay in touch. He's taken my work chances away too. He didn't just stop me working but he also made me look so bad with all my opportunities and I let them down by not doing the work. I'm so scared of being without money for rent and food and just everyday little things.

I suppose my biggest fears are still the housing but also I'm so frightened of leaving when it's still dangerous to travel. I don't know what to do. I even thought about asking a neighbour who can drive but they all hate me now. It's my own fault. I had meltdowns and thought they were bad people. I was just so on edge. I haven't even taken the bins out because I can't face them. I wish I could turn the clock back.

Anyway. Sorry for more rambling. I keep hoping getting it all our will help me let go of the fears.

Sorry just a few questions instead of more ramblings.
So I think my main immediate barrier and fear is how to leave safely even if I get somewhere to go. I really don't want to catch the virus. I think maybe with my mask it's ok. I feel so scared anyway about being out after so long inside. He seemed to get worse. The worse my health got the more he seemed to like it like that and I got too scared to go out when he'd know. Then I feel too ashamed about the neighbours. Everything they've heard and also he'd deliberately try to make them hate me or think I was really weird. I suppose I am really weird though. He'd say things really loudly when they were in hearing distance, saying things like they think I'm abusing you. So it looks like I'm mentally ill and lying even though one of them saw some of the bruises and had heard him saying about giving me a beating I won't get up from but then if they know the truth that's also so shameful. Sorry rambling.

Anyway my other questions are just making sure he definitely won't get arrested if I contact the charity and do the risk assessment. I'm worried if they think I'm a vulnerable adult it's out of my hands. I don't think I am a vulnerable adult but I'm scared I won't be allowed any control. I think I want to try to leave without him knowing so I can come back if I can't cope.

Sorry last question. I maybe stronger tomorrow but recently I've not felt able to cope with going through it all again. It's been suggested to me before that I email my old thread. Do you think they'd mind. It's a lot to read and they're so busy although hopefully they could just flick through.

I suppose one final question. Maybe some people really are too far gone to leave. At this stage of my life is there any point. I'm not young anymore and not good health. When I first spoke to a helpline, the one that was nice but then went horrible overnight, they said the serious harm isn't just physical. They were talking about the risk assessment. Now I'm physically in a bad way and mentally so maybe it's too late to start again. I'm so scared about not being able to work and fend for myself. Benefits have been cut so much. I remember skipping lunches to save money. I hope I could be well enough to work again but it wouldn't be quick recovery and I've got years gap on my CV. I really am sorry for never getting anywhere with all this.

Sorry I'm making it worse trying to apologise for rambling and then rambling more.

What I wanted to explain is I know I'm really really annoying and frustrating for still not doing anything. I posted my other thread about 8 or 9 months ago I realise. I feel shocked with myself I haven't done anything yet. I keep thinking back with so much regret about the chances and risks I was too scared to take before the virus came.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is I do want to leave I think but everything about it is so frightening including being without him after he's been my whole life and my only real human contact for so many years. I just wish he genuinely cared and it was definitely safe with him. I've never had anyone who hugs me and he can be so loving at times and I know I'll never have that again. I've never been normal. I care about him too. I want to be safe but I don't know if that's realistic. I read about the care home stuff and I think it's a bad time to be vulnerable. Sorry. I know I'm being too negative. I probably do have a chance of being ok one day. Maybe not but maybe I should try. It feels like such a risk.