For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

Giving this a bump Op .

What a great idea for a thread and a fantastic post full of useful info OP.

Here’s some great advice (written before the lockdown so simply about working from home, but still relevant) sent out for victims (ie survivors!) and employers who may know or suspect an employee is being abused:
www.restoredrelationships.org/news/2020/03/19/working-home-and-domestic-abuse/
Restored Relationships is a Christian charity working to end violence against women. The advice here is applicable to everyone.

Thank you for this post.

I'm not normally one to post, but I just wanted to say how selfless of you 1512345kbm to take the time to write all of that when you must have so much going on yourself right now. Such an informative post. I have read a lot of your posts helping women in abuse situations and I think you are marvellous. 👏👏

12345kbm 😳😅

This is an amazing post OP!

Well done - I hope that someone in need comes across it.

Wow, great to see all the useful information on one post. This looming lockdown has made me conscious of people in domestic abusive situations. You have put a lot of work and thought into this OP.

Yes Thank You

Bump

It's no problem at all. If anyone wants to help then please donate what you can afford to Refuge or Women's Aid who are anticipating a major increase in demand.

Please anyone who is in an abusive relationship, you won't be judged. Please post and ask for help or support.

I just wanted to thank you for being honest about refuge places being scarce. I admit I've not done enough to leave and there's a lot of fears about leaving but my main fear has been around homelessness. I've not tried hard enough but sometimes people think it's as easy as asking for help. I've been turned down for more than one refuge space. I tried desperately to call places a few weeks ago because I knew any lockdown would not only make things possibly harder with my partner but also the demand for help would go up. It's already such an overstretched and underfunded sector. I'm sorry if I'm not meant to say anything negative. Please don't worry anyone reading this. Most of you will have children, I assume as this is Mumsnet, and spaces at refuges will be prioritised for women with dependent children. You will be found somewhere safe if you or your children are in danger. I haven't got any children (not by choice and being honest I'm still trying) so my experiences aren't as typical. I hope it's ok to post here. I don't see how things can ever improve, provision wise, refuge spaces, longer-term housing, if problems aren't spoken about. Thanks again for the information.

What's happening now @plantlife? I'm sorry to hear you couldn't access the help you needed. Let's see if we can work something else out for you. If you're not quite there yet, we can gather information or, just handhold until you feel ready.

My OH is not physically abusive, although he's often pretended he's going to do something, but mentally very. I am now very annoyed with myself that I'm stuck with him through this, when I've had plenty of chances to get away from him, especially recently. My mistake mainly comes from my financial reliance on him, and as pp says the prospect of being homeless. To cap it all I'm not in good health, and he I think now is feeling quite smug that I just missed an opportunity. Luckily he's still working but it's a choice between being that bit more likely of catching the virus (because if him mixing, albeit reduced contact, plus my having to shop more because of him) or putting up with him. It's going to be tough to say the least.

@12345kbm Fabulous post (as always). I’ve noticed your extremely wise and practical advice and support on other threads, too. You are completely amazing! 💐💐💐💐💐

@EngagedAgain I'm sorry to hear that and thank you for sharing. It is going to be difficult. It may be an idea to gather information and look into your options during this time.

This is the place to vent and get support, so please do keep posting. Perhaps look into making a safety plan, keep a note of the helpline number, keep a log of incidents and practise some self care.

@12345kbm,
Thank you. I will ride it out for the time being. It's quite a complex situation, but I'm not in any danger, just mentally finding it very difficult. It's on the cards for us to separate, and will hopefully only be for a few more weeks.

I apologise if someone's already mentioned this but the Women's Aid website explains how to call 999 for emergency assistance silently. I wasn't aware of how to do this until recently. Potentially life saving.

@EngagedAgain Separation is difficult at the best of times but it's a hundred times worse with an abuser.

Yes it's much harder, because an abuser is certainly not going to make it easy.

Hi OP,

Thank you for starting this thread and apologies for intruding on it - we spotted the list below on this statement from the VAWG sector from 20 March and thought it might be useful to share it here, too.

NOTE FROM MNHQ: this information is correct as of March 20 2020. We will do our best to keep it updated, but if you spot anything on this post you think we need to check again, do let us know - thanks

England

The Freephone, 24hr National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247 or www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/Contact-us

Rape Crisis services – www.rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428

Men’s Advice Line – a confidential helpline, email and webchat service for male victims of domestic abuse: 0808 801 0327 or www.mensadviceline.org.uk.

The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994 · Rights of Women advice lines: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/advice-lines/

Women’s Aid – including Live Chat, email, the Survivors Forum and local services: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Respect Phoneline – a confidential helpline, email and webchat service for domestic abuse perpetrators and those supporting them: 0808 8024040 or www.respectphoneline.org.uk

Northern Ireland

The 24 hr Domestic and Sexual Abuse helpline is open to women and men affected by domestic abuse or violence. This free telephone service is available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year:
Phone: 0808 802 1414 (Freephone) · Email: [email protected]
Local services: www.womensaidni.org/get-help/local-groups/

Scotland

Scotland’s 24hr Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline: 0800 027 1234 or www.sdafmh.org.uk/

Rape Crisis Scotland: National Helpline on 08088 01 03 02 (6pm to midnight, 7 days a week) or www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/
Further support and local services: www.mygov.scot/domestic-abuse/support-for-female-victims/

Wales

The Live Fear Free helpline provides advice, support and referrals 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year to anyone affected by violence against women, domestic abuse or sexual violence in Wales. You can contact the Live Fear Free Helpline on:
Telephone: 0808 80 10 800 · Live Chat Service: gov.wales/live-fear-free
Text: 078600 77 333
Email: [email protected]
Local services: www.welshwomensaid.org.uk/information-and-support/find-your-local-service/

I’m struggling living with “dh” who is a mixture of the water torturer and mr right. I’d be escaping to a hotel or a friends place if we were not in lockdown as I’ve had enough and can’t tolerate being around him any longer. I’m also not prepared to let the dc(especially the eldest) think that this is an acceptable way to treat someone.
Told the dc that even if mum and dad argue that we both still love them very much and that it is nothing they have done wrong.

This thread is for help for everyone so the more resources the better! Thank you everyone for posting help and information.

@InTheKitchenAtParties This is great, thank you.

If you are in an emergency situation and need to call the police but cannot speak or make a sound, here's what you need to do.

Dial 999 from your mobile and press 55 when prompted.

This immediately alerts the police to the fact you are in a genuine emergency.

Callers need to listen and respond to questions and instructions, including by coughing or tapping the handset if possible, or if using a mobile phone, once prompted by the automated Silent Solution system, pressing 55.

You can also text.
You will only be able to use this service if you have registered with emergencySMS first.Register now; don’t wait for an emergency. To register, text ‘register’ to 999. You will get a reply – then follow the instructions you are sent.

Text 999

What they to know:

Who?
Police, Ambulance, Fire and Rescue or Coastguard.

What?
Briefly, what is the problem.

Where?
Exactly where the problem is happening – give the name of the road, house number, postcode or nearby landmark, if possible.

What happens next?
The emergency service will either ask for more information or will tell you that help is on the way.

Don’t assume that your message has been received until the emergency service sends a message back.

It will usually take about two minutes before you get a reply. If you don’t get a reply within three minutes, please try again or find other ways of getting help.