For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

[freddiethegreat]

Thank you OP! I posted on a thread a couple of nights ago for the first time re DV & got a fairly snide response from one poster basically implying I was overstating. It knocked me back ... don’t know why, it’s an online anonymous forum, why should I care! - but this post gives me some hope again.

[12345kbm]

@freddiethegreat I'm sorry to hear that and I'm really pleased that you're finding the thread helpful. People don't understand abuse and it's very personal to the survivor. For example, a certain look he gives you in order to get you to shut up or as a threat. Only you know what that means no one else and if you tried to explain, no one would see it.

You were being brave to reach out for help and to be knocked back or made to feel as though you were being dramatic, is going to knock the wind out of your sails. It takes a lot of courage to admit you're being abused and even more to reach out for help.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

What concerns me, @plantlife is that you won’t be around to experience motherhood, a new exciting and calm life and possibly a life with less illness.
He has shown he is capable of causing you huge physical harm... on top of the mental torture you have. He might even kill you.

My situation has brought on many ailments. Luckily, I have them under control. But when I leave, I expect them to lessen in severity.

(I too, am going through a very calm period. But things will change, as they do for you)

[plantlife]

I don't want to take over this thread. I suppose I should return to my own thread if I want to keep posting or if I feel it might help posting in relationships I'll start a new one. I'm sorry for bringing this thread down. I was too scared to post here because it's more public but now I feel I may die anyway. Either him or the virus. I really am trapped now. I can't stay here. He pays the rent. I just looked online at benefit rates and it's less than the rent. I couldn't stay anyway if he was thrown out. He'd be really dangerous then. If I leave I have a high chance of catching the virus. I'd have to use public transport in the worst hit part of the UK. I'm in bad health and at higher risk. At least if he killed me it would be quicker than a coronavirus death. I'm scared he'll leave and made me homeless more than I'm scared of him, although I am scared of him too. If he leaves I definitely won't get housing. The DV is actually a stroke of luck as it's my only hope. I'm sorry to admit that. I'm also scared of being without him. He looks after me. I've been let down by services when I've been vulnerable. It's a scary cold lonely world outside. I remember intense loneliness in the past. I actually had friends at the time but they were all in relationships and busy. I've asked him to stay with his friend until the weekend so you don't need to worry I'm safe for now. All I want us a hug from him really. I want it to be ok with him. Maybe it's worth me posting just so others in earlier stages can learn from my mistakes and leave before they end up like this. I feel at this stage I'm too far gone but can still help others perhaps.

[Fightingback16]

@plantlife the only point where it is too late is when you are dead, then it’s definitely too late. I was exactly like you. I only left because I had a mental breakdown, only then was I able to see my husband for what he was. He was happy to see me in that state, he was a monster. I’ve not had a hug from anyone since I left in Feb 2019. It’s not him that you want it’s the illusion that him and you have created. Unfortunately I feel like me the end may only come when you break.

[plantlife]

Sorry. Just a few questions before I go.

I have to reapply for a housing list I'm on. I wouldn't get anything for ages because people won't be moving with the virus and spare homes only come up when someone moves. But it's worth being on the list. I downplayed my original application. If I'm honest about how bad things are, would they keep it confidential? They've said they have to report if risk of immediate serious harm, but there's been no serious violence for a long time so I should be ok? I can't cope with emergency housing or police again. I just want to go on the normal list. I don't know if I need to downplay.

Another question. Is it not safer to try to stay until the virus calms down?.As I'm in the worse hit part of the UK and I'm at higher risk with my health. He's at higher risk too so he won't want to risk being arrested. I think also he seems to have realised he loves me. Maybe the virus has helped him change his behaviour and control his temper.

Shelter say you're not automatically considered vulnerable or priority need just for DV. That's why I'm scared. It's all about the word MAY. May be considered vulnerable by council. They have no housing with the housing crisis so obviously say they think you're not.

Final question. He's currently at his friends. He's planning to come home at the weekend. I know it's against lockdown but he says he's not using public transport. Anyway, whilst he's away surely I wouldn't be a priority for DV help? They're completely overrun now so need to focus on the most urgent. So I have to wait surely and only contact them if an emergency. Now there's the virus I think they can only cope with urgent cases. Understandably.

Anyway, thank you so much for the kindness @12345kbm in starting this thread and to everyone in here. Knowing there's kind people out there means a lot, and helps give me the motivation to not completely give up. I really really hope anyone else here who needs help, like @freddiethegreat, gets it. Don't be like me. I've never been normal I don't think but you probably are more normal than me. I hope everyone keeps posting and if you've had a bad experience reaching out, here or police or DV service or GP, don't give up. My local DV place was awful but there's some other wonderful kind places and people who will help.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie I'm so sorry your situation is still bad. You've been so kind to me and I hate to think you're still in a bad situation. I hope you can leave.

[12345kbm]

@plantlife You need to contact the council and tell them about the DV and your other issues which I assume are health issues. Go to the council website and look for domestic abuse services. If you can't find them on the website, then do a search. I know you're in London, so 'Domestic Abuse Help Brixton' for example. Like I said earlier, letters would help from DV organisations (contact them and ask for emails), your GP if you have confided in them, police reference numbers, a therapist etc

Before you do that please contact Shelter for advice on your rights as not all councils are good to say the least. Do it now please before office close. Shelter are oversubscribed, so keep pressing redial for their number and refresh for their chat facility.

We'll take it from there.

[Smum77]

I am having real problems coping at this time. I live with my husband and his 18 year old daughter. I feel like I can’t put a foot right at the moment. Last week he had an alcohol fuelled real go at me. All verbal but when he shouts and calls me a cunt I can’t take it. He constantly calls me selfish and just today had another go at me for simply turning diwn the tv the day before saying I had a right attitude about it at the time but we had a pleasant evening the night before so this totally caught me off guard. My step daughter hates me even more than she did before as I accidentally put a birthday personalised glass in the dishwasher which ruined it. Yes I am the only one that does all the housework. I am almost at the point where I want to leave anyway but can’t do it as I have nowhere to go and don’t want my elderly parents to worry about me during this time so haven’t told them any of this. It just constantly feels like 2 against one but whenever I say that to them they say I am always making things about me! I am just at my wits end. :(((

[12345kbm]

@Smum77 I'm sorry things are so tough for you at the moment. Things don't sound good at all. You're married so you should have rights to the property if he needs to be removed.

I think the best thing to do for peace of mind is:

1. Organise a safety plan. Pack yourself and your children a bag should you need to flee the property and hide them somewhere.

1. Keep your phone charged and on you if you can.

1. Contact one of the helplines on the first page for advice and help.

Keep posting here for advice and support. Well done for reaching out.

[plantlife]

I've just had a look at some of the coronavirus threads. I'm too frightened to leave now. They're all saying about London's public transport being crowded and the virus is so widespread here. I'd definitely be at risk in shared housing but also just getting there. I'm safe here. I think I need to try to stay until its under control. He's not here until at least the weekend so I've got time to plan. I'm so scared of emergency housing even without the virus, I'm scared of the germs but also just scared of other people, especially as I'm not normal. The housing association list there's a chance of safe housing without a traumatic move. I'm on the list but need to reapply as they're updating. I'll do what I did last time. Sort of honest but downplay just a little so I don't risk police or anything.

If there's an emergency when he's here I'll have to call police and take it from there but he doesn't want the virus so won't kick off.

I've spoken to Shelter more than once. They confirmed DV and/or health isn't automatic priority need. I have no absolute legal right to housing. It's up to each local authority to decide if they want to consider you vulnerable. I'll be ok. I just need to get through the virus period then I can leave for a more affordable housing area. I think maybe I'd get housing so I know it's more than that with me. I'm frightened of the outside world, of being alone, being without him, I feel like I need him and want to be with him, he looks after me and I look after him, I'm frightened of him sometimes but other times I love being just us together, like we're a unit. I'll try to return to the freedom programme. I was doing it online but stopped.

[Smum77]

Thanks for the quick reply. The child is not mine and is 18 and actually starting singing happily when he was having his abusive drunken rage at me. That’s what I am living with. She has no sympathy for anyone other than herself and doesn’t care about what the virus is doing only that she can’t see her boyfriend. I contacted the samaritans last week and they helped me move things forward but I am constantly walking on eggshells again and am afraid I will just lose the plot soon.

[12345kbm]

OP, can you please contact Shelter and the council because legislation has changed since the lockdown.

I have already told you your legal options to get him out of the house so you don't have to move. You won't be kicked out of the property as that's been stopped during this time. This is why I'm advising you to contact Shelter as they will tell you the updates and your entitlements.

You can either leave the property or, stay in the property and have him removed. I would organise his removal before he comes back.

[12345kbm]

@Smum77 contact the helpline for advice OP as I don't know where you are in the UK. Please let me know when you've contacted them and received advice.

[plantlife]

@Smum77 I wish I could offer some practical advice but I know how hard it is to leave, especially finding somewhere to go. The shouting and nasty names feels worse than physical violence for me. It wears you down. I know you don't want to worry your parents but could you downplay it a bit? Say he's just suddenly gone like this, say it's the lockdown. Or say things are difficult with your stepdaughter. Can you drive? Can they afford to help you rent somewhere? An Airbnb maybe. Or put you up if there's space (and you could self isolate in one room for 7-14 days to protect them). You can move during lockdown if leaving abuse. I understand if you're the same as me and too scared to. Are you in private rented? If not, you can have him removed (you can do it temporarily too with private rented). Try the DV services. My local one is the exception. Most are really kind and will do what they can to help.

[Smum77]

Thanks plantlife, this isn’t the first time he’s been like this it’s just we have had the space and time to work things out before. Being in the same house is massively exacerbating the problem. I am still working and can’t leave as my business is teaching piano and I need my piano with me to carry that on. If he leaves then I am stuck with a step daughter who hates me and enjoys seeing me being belittled by her father. They can’t both go.

[plantlife]

Sorry @12345kbm I didn't see your reply. I can't stay. I won't be well enough to work in three months time when evictions are allowed again. So I'd end up homeless then. I'd have to go back to him, if he let me. But anyway even if I suddenly had money, if I end things and he gets removed, he really would kill me. He won't think about the lockdown or any bail or other orders to stay anyway when in a drunken rage. If he loses everything, that's when he'll dangerous. If I leave him, it has to be me that leaves. But I'm safe for now. I'm lucky, he's away until at least the weekend. I have time to plan. I'l feel calmer without him here so it's helping. Just thinking it all through. There's other women in immediate need. I will try again but hopefully can get through the virus. If he comes back and it gets bad, I'll take your advice, have him removed in an emergency and then hope I don't end up homeless. I think he'll be ok though as he doesn't want to catch it and being arrested puts him at risk. I'll try to be strong and take it as it goes.

[plantlife]

It's so hard @Smum77 Leaving shouldn't mean losing everything. We need a life to rebuild. I'm guessing there's no mum around for your stepdaughter to stay with? Can you drive? If so perhaps hire a van to move the piano. I suppose it's too heavy for you to move on your own though. I don't know if removal firms are still operating? Or even one of the volunteer groups might help? If you could get the piano away, would you be able to leave, find somewhere to rent or your parents? It's so hard being locked up with them. I hope you have some private space there, a spare room or just a long bath. Thinking about it, if he leaves at least it wouldn't be two against one, and you've have your own bedroom so your own safe space. She might be less difficult without him there.

[12345kbm]

@plantlife

If you're worried that he won't abide by the law then you can contact housing advice and ask about the Sanctuary Scheme. They will make the place secure for you and give you safety advice.

You sound as though you would be better off in a refuge OP and I'm getting fed up with these circular arguments we're having here. You won't be placed in a refuge outside London (were you referring to London as the 'epicentre' earlier?). You'll be placed outside your borough but not outside London.

If you're worried about the virus then you'll have to decide which is going to take your life first, the virus or him, then take your chances. You're safer away from someone who's threatening to kill you, especially since he's coming back at the weekend and could be infected with the virus anyway.

If you don't want to leave the property, you can have it secured and slap an Occupation and Non Molestation Order on him. He'll be arrested if he breaches those injunctions. You cannot be evicted from the property for three months so you're safe until then.

Other options are to present as homeless to the council who have a duty to house you. You will be classed as vulnerable if you have evidence of disability either physical or mental. You will need your crime reference numbers and other letters from a professional as well to strengthen your case.

So you have four options here which I'm not outlining for you again:

1. Stay and risk your life.
2. Have him removed, secure the property and use the three months you have without eviction of finding somewhere cheaper and more suitable for when that's ended.
3. Present as homeless to the council and get other housing.
4. Go to a refuge.

For additional information contact Shelter on housing.
Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for more information on safety planning and refuge help.
Contact the NCDV regarding emergency injunctions.
Contact 101 for advice and information

[Smum77]

No the only way this will work is if I leave. The financial side of that is impossible as things stand. I don’t make that much from my business and the main income I have is through my husband’s company as his secretary. On the plus side I have got savings and I own a flat but the flat is occupied and not near my customers so doesn’t work our for that. I am starting to think about how I could try and make that work though...

[12345kbm]

@Smum77 contact 101 and get advice on leaving. You won't be fined for fleeing domestic abuse. I believe that moving properties is still allowed so I would find somewhere to rent and go. I believe solicitors are still operating and you can find a Family Law solicitor at the Family Law Panel. I would get advice on divorce and property rights. Gather what information you can eg pensions, mortgage details, pay slips etc Perhaps a snapshot of bank accounts if possible.

You are most vulnerable when leaving so please make a safety plan, gather information unobtrusively and pack enough for a few months. Take anything with sentimental value in case he destroys it. Photos, mementos, jewellery etc I would also take half of the joint account if you can and divert rent from your property to your own account. Contact the people renting and give them your bank details.

[Fightingback16]

It’s heartbreaking reading some of these posters and I totally understand because it was me. I never reached out until after. I was delusional and in a “happy” relationship right up until breaking point. If anything use this time if you are going to stay to find some self worth and some skills. Use what you know about them to help your situation, use what you can to diffuse the escalation. It’s hard but maybe use some control yourself until it’s safer to leave. Try and not get yourself sucked back into the calm period, write down and remember what is coming because it is COMING, try and get ahead of it. Use the Virus as an example, try your best to flatten and extend the curve, push back the explosion, flatten it’s intensity. Do what you can, have a plan if it doesn’t work.

[plantlife]

Would a refuge out of London take me if I waited until the virus was under control? If I leave it needs to be completely. Not just because of housing although I need to go where it's more affordable.

I'm sorry. I really don't want to be difficult or upset anyone. That's what I mean about not being normal. I never seem to be like other people and I (unintentionally) upset or anger people. I'll go away and try to get myself in a ok situation when or if it's possible.

I don't see the point in being safe for a few months only to then be homeless. I truly fear it more than anything. I'd rather he killed me. I'd have to get back with him when the three months was up, hopefully he'd still want me. I was evicted in the past. No fault eviction. Council refused to help. I never want to go through that again. Nothing he's done has ever been as frightening and awful.

My only hope is waiting until the virus is under control then leaving London. I can't stay. It's somewhere I've been hurt too much, too many times. It's a bad place now for me. He's also got links across the city. I'll try again after the virus. He doesn't want it so he won't risk being arrested. He doesn't want the police restraining him or being in cells where people could infect him. He's as worried as me about catching it. So I'm safe, I promise. Maybe you're all right. I don't really want to leave. Not to the options I have. Maybe if things change after the virus I can think again. Sorry for wasting your time. You're a very kind person helping so many women here. I know most take your advice so that's good.

[Fightingback16]

It’s not a case of taking the advise its wanting to take the advice. If you don’t want to then you won’t. Nobody can force you to want a better life they can only guide you. When it’s bad enough you’d walk through hot lava to leave. Most of us are not “normal”, most of us have enormous mountains to climb.

[plantlife]

@Fightingback16 I'm so glad you got away. Maybe I'm not as strong as other women or too spoilt. Maybe I don't value my life enough. I don't know. I just don't see how being homeless, possibly long-term, is safer than being with someone who is only occasionally violent. If I had a safe and secure home, somewhere I felt I could be safe, I'd go. I think I would. I wanted that for so long, my whole life really. Until recently I still did and was ready to risk temporary refuge or temp accommodation. But then I had bad experiences with professionals who didn't help or places were gone, and then the virus happened. Now I feel I'm too far gone. I have a lot of good stuff with him as well as the bad. So many people have far worse lives than me in this country and around the world. I'm so much luckier than them. I think I need to make the best of what I've got at my stage of life and taking into account all my issues and experiences. What I can try to do is help other women so maybe things might one day change and there's better funding for help and long-term housing as well as temporary. I feel like if you're physically injured you get patched up but there's no or very little patching up for the financial and housing consequences of abuse. Maybe nothing will ever change but I'd like to try to help change things. I hope that makes sense. I'll stop monopolising this thread now as it's inappropriate. Any speaking out, trying to change things should be somewhere else. This thread is for those who want help. I hope everyone else gets help. I'll try to think through my choices and options. I'll start again on the freedom programme.

[Fightingback16]

Im sorry you are in this situation, but you do want help, deep down you do just like I did. I’m sorry about these terrible circumstances and that you didn’t get the help you needed. Please don’t give up and accept your life. I left my husband 7 or 8 times and went back. I went back to a man who I’m not going to get into but he was a monster. You will only see the monster when you have left and stayed away. You are addicted to him at the moment, you are in the calm period, it’s addictive. The words you are talking are his words, your words are you actions of posting on here. Don’t ignore them. You do value your life, this talk is his voice. Once you are in the mental position of that’s it I’m done and you go then you will hear your voice.
It’s going to be small and you won’t recognise it but you will start to listen to it. You will get there, DO NOT GIVE UP!