For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

For those who think their tech is being monitored, please check out the resources here.

Also read the thread tonight, on AIBU, “.... to leave my husband” - it says Priti Patel confirmed today that a woman fleeing abuse is making an essential journey to a place of safety. Apparently there’s a report on BBC website.

@StrawberryJam200 Thank you. Yes, it has been confirmed that a person fleeing domestic violence will be assisted and it is considered essential travel.

Domestic Abuse Organisations are staying open where possible, refuges are open. Please don't stay with an abuser or put yourself or your children at risk and stay because you don't think you're allowed to leave. An Occupation Order is still available to get the abuser out of the property as well.

I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm sorry for joining this thread and distracting from the intention to help. I don't want to put anyone off leaving.

Just so you don't worry, I'm actually safe for now. He went to his friend's house on Friday. He's not back until Wednesday. He also doesn't want to be arrested especially being in cells whilst there's the virus. He doesn't want to get it so he won't kick off. I have an underlying condition.I can't risk going to stay somewhere else, especially in London, and especially shared facilities (which scares me anyway). I'd have to use public transport and that's dangerous right now for anyone at higher risk.

In an emergency I'd have to take that risk and I'll try to get help. In the meantime I've balanced the risks and for now it's safer to stay. My circumstances are different to many others though so I hope other women realise they can leave if urgent. Especially please know if you have children they will help you and you're be given somewhere safe. It's obviously priority to protect them so please don't be put off by my situation and my own mental as well as physical barriers.

@plantlife you do what you can to get through. Make sure you have a safety plan in place should this get worse. Have a bag hidden, tell people what's going on. Keep yourself safe.

This thread is for anyone living with an abuser, so keep talking.

Plantlife I agree. You don’t want to leave. You don’t intend to.

I don't want to leave the home at all right now. I'm in the epicentre of the virus. If I get through this I'll try to leave for somewhere safe if things get dangeous (but hopefully they won't), but I don't want to leave at all costs. I don't want to go from one unsafe (but not at the moment) situation to another different but as unsafe, or possibly worse. I don't want to catch coronavirus especially as I have an underlying condition. I was very recently diagnosed with a second condition that definitely puts me at high risk. (It had been dismissed as stress or anxiety by doctors until I had private blood tests). I suppose perhaps part of me no longer wants to leave at all. I did desperately but wasn't given help when I asked. I last asked two weeks ago just before lockdown. He was working from home, there was a flare up, I called when he was having his walk. I begged them to help me find somewhere to go. Told them the refuge numbers they'd given me had no spaces left or for women with children under 18. They said they couldn't guarantee finding me a space. Then they told me they were meant to be a one-off advice line and I shouldn't keep calling. This wasn't the national number. They've always been very kind but I couldn't get through and he was only out briefly. So anyone resting this shouldn't be put off calling them. I don't want to leave right now under the circumstances but I did try. I'm sorry I just don't want people thinking I didn't try. Anyway I'm safe for now.

You won’t leave. You just said this had brought you and him together. You will always find a reason to stay. At least be honest about that.

@plantlife I know you tried. I know and please try to understand that I'm just concerned about you and your safety.

I'm sorry you didn't get the right advice for you at the time. Please know that even if you are at the epicentre of the virus (I'm not sure where that is in London) you can still get to safety. I would contact 101, speak to the police who will have a Domestic Violence Unit and are connected up with various organisations.

The police have powers to get him out of the house so you don't have to flee. A Domestic Violence Protection Notice (DVPN) lasts for 48 hours and requires the abusive partner to leave the premises and not contact the victim. It can be extended by up to 28 days by magistrates, who issue a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO). You can then look into an Occupation Order and a Non Molestation Order. Alternatively, contact the NCDV and get an emergency Occupation Order. I've put details of what these are and how they work earlier in the thread.

Keep logging events to use as evidence. Like I said earlier, make a safety plan and pack a bag and hide it. You could also contact the National Helpline for further advice and support.

If he gets violent, please get to a place of safety and dial 999. If you can't talk, press 55 and follow the instructions. You can also register to use a text service to text emergency services. (details up thread) Somewhere safe is not the kitchen or bathroom because both places are dangerous. The kitchen because of sharp implements and the bathroom because of very hard surfaces and the fact that you'll be effectively trapped once in there.

If you can, put a note through your neighbour's door asking them to dial 999 if they hear sounds of violence coming from your place. Confide in someone about the abuse, make sure it's not a mutual friend.

Plantlife how are you still trying for a baby?!?!

Women's Aid have released advice for those in lockdown with an abuser.

Firstly a massive thank you to @12345kbm for taking the time to help. I know you have helped me immensely. I know from experience that the only way you are going to be able to see the abuse is to leave. You HAVE to leave and stay away. You have to see the bond you have with the abuser for what it is, it’s not love. I was in an 11 year marriage which I was tricked into, raped, gas lighted, threatened, stripped of all my identity.....all the usual tactics. I’ve been gone for 1 year and abuse only came into my mind 2 months ago. A lot of you will only leave when you break and there are no alternatives but to run. Please don’t wait for this to happen, believe me it’s scary. If you suspect abuse, please read up, reach out. If you can find somewhere the virus is less risky then an abusive person who could snap at anytime. I don’t know if that’s the right thing to stay.

Would you advocate pleasing the abuser if you suspect for the time being? I could imagine if that was me and I knew the man I was living with with my child, that would not have been an option. If he knew that I knew who he was back then I suspect I would not be here writing this.

I’m so so sorry for all of you living in this. I’m not living with my abuser but I’m still dealing with the consequences of it. Please take the advice from those who are offering it. Just entertain it for a moment, that’s all I did and now I’m sat here healing after several nervous breakdowns. Please don’t stay because you are afraid. I’m afraid, it’s scary leaving but I’m alive and if I’m alive I have a chance and so does my daughter.

Thank you 1512345kbm
I am pretty sure you have made very helpful comments on my previous posts
The local DV centre checked in with me yesterday to make sure I was ok (I am) - I really appreciated it. There are others far worse off than me

Just saying hello,
I am living with my abuser - sexual abuse.
Thankfully I do get a small restbite as he is still going out to work. But the rest of the time we are cooped up together 24/7.
2 weeks ago I walked into a police station frightened and shocked at an incident that happened that morning. I woke up to him touching me and about to enter me while I was asleep. Unfortantley the police did not take any action and told me to 'talk to my husband'. Of course, I haven't spoken to him as that would put me in more danger.

I have spoken to two charities and they both advise I am best getting an order to remove him from the property (& they were both disgusted at the police response). I work from home (for many years before the virus) and have a special business line/systems set up here, it is not as easy has having a laptop and connecting to wifi, i can not do that.

It is so hard to take that next step. I am so scared.

Right now while I am 'working' (we are very quiet) I can hear him and our young son laughing to a tv programme they are watching, outsider looking in would think we are the perfect family..........

Please tell me to get off this thread if I shouldn't be posting negative stuff in here. I just don't see how things can ever get better if the problems aren't acknowledged. I know not everyone cares but lots of people seem to think you definitely get housed if fleeing DV. That's not true and maybe why my local services didn't want to help me. I suppose it's a minority on my situation though? No children but not that young and unable to work because of health. Most women will either have children so definitely be entitled to housing or be younger and more able to physically and mentally cope in hostel places (I hated it but coped when younger). Or if older they're likely to be in secure housing . Social housing tenants leaving DV are entitled to be rehoused. If own a home than you'll have some money to buy or rent somewhere after s temporary stay elsewhere. I don't have any if those options. The Shelter link is about being housed if the council decided you're vulnerable. That's the problem. The wording is MAY be vulnerable. As Shelter says
The council may decide you're in priority need because you or a member of your household are classed as vulnerable.You might be vulnerable because of: old age, physical or learning disabilities, mental health problems, fleeing domestic abuse or violence, time spent in care, prison or the armed forces. You're not automatically classed as vulnerable if you fit into one of these groupse/housing_advice/homelessness/rules/priority_need

This is from Women's Aid
The council must help with emergency housing while they assess your homeless application if you’re pregnant or have children – unless your immigration status means you aren’t eligible for this.
With no children under 18 you are not guaranteed housing. All this was before Covid-19 and there will be even less places to go now. I'm sorry if this sounds horrible but I think bruises are better than being homeless. Surely less dangerous.

I'm sorry for posting but I keep seeing discussion here and not just MN talking about there being help. There isn't always help and that will never change if it's not spoken about.

@Fightingback16 thank you for posting. You are so brave for not only leaving but for reaching out to help others while going through so much yourself. I really hope those reading can take hope that there is a way out.

@Isthisnormalorisitme I'm glad to hear you're on their radar. What's going on with you now?

Bamboo15 I'm sorry I know I sound like a really horrible person. Maybe I am. You don't have to worry. There's only a tiny chance I can conceive. Health reasons and age. I can't stop trying because being very honest I see it as my only way to avoid homelessness if I leave him. I also can't bear the thought of being childless forever. I'm sorry. I know I'm being selfish but it's ok because it's so unlikely.

I'm sorry again for being negative on here. @12345kbm you've been so kind and everyone who's tried to help me on MN. It's amazing you're doing this thread and helping so many women. It's comforting to know some people care. I'm sorry I'm a difficult case. I suppose I have perhaps made a decision to stay and maybe I'm wrong or stupid. My circumstances all my issues together are unlikely to be the same for most other women so I definitely don't want to put people off leaving. Especially if you have children. I was once the child in a violent home so definitely please know you can leave. They will help you. If you have a bad experience with a DV service, don't give up because they're not all like that. I'd planned to reach out to a different place but then the virus happened. I will try to get myself in a better situation and try to take risks but not until the virus is controlled. As I said anyway I'm safe for now.

@seekingfreedom I cannot believe the police said that to you or rather, I am because I've heard similar and worse stories.

Keep logging those events for evidence. Yes, he's going to escalate to rape if you remain there. He's already sexually assaulted you. You can do one of several things. 1. Contact Rape Crisis and speak to them for advice 2. Look into getting some kind of injunction, details of those and how to go about getting those, is up thread. I am happy to answer any questions you may have on those or contact the NCDV for information and advice on that.

Please make a safety plan should anything like that happen again and, if it does, dial 999 and report him for attempted rape.

I also advise that you make a complaint about that police station because that's disgusting and I'm fuming on your behalf.

I'm here to advise OP and to hold your hand in order to see this through.

@plantlife I had a child to please my husband and to give myself a purpose and believe me nothing can give you a reason to live for but yourself. I love my daughter but when I was lost deep in the ocean not even she was enough to help me find my way. It will tie you to him forever. The guilt you will experience for bringing a child into the relationship will eat you up like it has been for me. Please think twice.

@plantlife you're posting because you want help and please keep posting because you're getting there. The council have an obligation to find you housing, no matter how they try to fob you off, they do.

Have you organised your safety plan?

We're going to get you out of there planlife and you can argue all you want but you know full well that you deserve a better life than this. There are ways of removing him from the property if you can't leave and as I already mentioned, funding is being pumped into refuges and domestic abuse organisations as well as housing right now, to keep people off the streets.

You can do this and you want to do this, you're understandably frightened and we'll get you through that. Keep posting.

@plantlife also, bringing a child into this will make your situation a 1000 times more difficult so please reconsider having a child with him.

You’re not safe.
You shouldn’t have a child with him.
Having a baby won’t instantly guarantee you a place away from him.
You need the freedom programme.

Women like plant life know no other life. I am sorry but the possibility of dying and leaving her potential child with her abuser won't have entered her head because she lives with the fantasy of a loving partner and baby with him, even if the reality is horrendous; humiliating and painful.

There are many broken women who are completely dependent on their abuser and have babies with them. Unfortunately, they are oblivious to the danger they are in and the danger they would place their baby in because they fantasise about the good times and blot out harsh reality.

There are women who die every single day by domestic abuse but probably every one of them think it would not happen to them.

It is unimaginable for people who have a healthy regard for their own safety and that of their children to understand this and it gets frustrating that women feel so worthless, hopeless and powerless it is like they are prepared to be sacrificed.

I was one of those women who was living in a fantasy and was prepared to die for my husband until one day I wasn’t. There are so many strangers on here who listened to my ramblings....oh but he loves me etc etc.

Never give up @plantlife, ask questions, read up, keep posting. One day and hopefully before it’s too late a small piece of doubt will fester in your brain and you will leave. It’s hard hard hard on the other-side but it’s at least on your terms. You WILL see once your out the real man!