For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

[12345kbm]

@plantlife you're painting yourself into a corner here and it's because of fear. You're afraid to leave. That's perfectly understandable but your life is at risk.

You're going to be stuck with someone who could kill you alone in the house. He's going to be there all the time so how are you going to make any arrangements to leave?

What we're trying to do here is make temporary arrangements to save your life while long term arrangements can be sorted out.

He won't find you in a refuge because the addresses are not known and you're placed in a separate borough. Refuges are full of support workers who will try to get you permanent accommodation. You're not the first person in a domestic abuse situation who is at risk of homelessness.

When I suggest a refuge you don't want to go because it needs to be out of London.
You can't leave London because of the virus.
You can't go to a refuge outside your borough because he knows people.
You don't want to stay because in three months you'll be homeless.
You don't want to stay because he'll kill you if you do.
You want to stay with him because you're getting on well now, even though you think he'll kill you.
If you stay he'll kill you because he doesn't care about being arrested.
He won't come near you because he doesn't want the virus in prison.
He's a great guy, you're just scared of him killing you and being dead or seriously injured is better than being homeless

It's possible to stay in the property, have it secured and organise long term accommodation outside London OP. You can do that in a few weeks, you don't need three months.

[12345kbm]

@@plantlife I want you to keep posting OP because others will be others reading this in the same situation and they can read the advice and see their options as well. They'll also have the same arguments and I can argue you into the ground, don't worry

[plantlife]

Thank you so much. I need a break to try to think clearly about the options but thank you for letting me post. I'll come back if I need to. I'm frozen with fear and it's making it hard to know if I'm making rational choices. Deep down I think he hates me. He's done some awful things but I let him. I'm terrified of the consequences of having him removed. What he'd try to do to me and what he'd do to himself but maybe with help I can do it. I'll try to think calmly through it all.

Can you use the sanctuary scheme if you have a private landlord? I don't know if I could stay as in the past he's threatened to have me jumped on if I step foot outside (if he was removed) but it might be safer than shared accommodation whilst there's the virus. Thank you for the kindness. I'll go away and think hard overnight about what I should do.

[12345kbm]

Have a good think, read through the options and decide what you want to do. My advice to you is a refuge.

Here's all the info on the Sanctuary Scheme you need. Give it a thorough read as it tells you about how the council is obligated to offer you accommodation alongside it.

My advice is to contact Shelter and ask all these questions tomorrow.

[12345kbm]

The info on the Sanctuary Scheme says it's a 'safe room' but it's not. It was written when the scheme was first introduced. It's actually the whole property that is made safe.

[plantlife]

I'm really really sorry to come back with yet another barrier but please understand I just want no false hope but also even if it's too late for me I need to try to do all I can to help other women.

I think I've worked out where there might be confusion. I'm so sorry and really hope I'm wrong but at least if I know for sure I almost feel calmer. Knowing I'll never be ok is easier in a way than having hopes raised and then crushed again. It is a lot of it my own fault. I should have tried harder to get out when I could. It was only ever going to be possible to have a safe life away from London and somewhere where there was affordable housing. I slowly realised I had a chance (for so long I thought I'd have no hope anywhere) but then I didn't get the help I asked for, then I was too scared to try again, then places were full when I finally tried again. Then the virus happened. I can only hope to get through this then try again. I'll try to get him to stay away longer. He might as he doesn't want to get arrested whilst there's the virus.

I was looking up the sanctuary scheme and came across rights for women's website. This is the thing. Local authorities have a duty to help not necessarily house. The "help" can be giving advice and information so really nothing. The website says it's different in Wales where DV is priority need for all women. The website says if you are not pregnant and you do not have dependent children, you will still be in priority need IF the local authority finds that you are vulnerable and also If you are applying to a local authority in Wales you will be considered to be in priority need if you are fleeing domestic violence. This makes it much easier to qualify for housing assistance if you are not pregnant and do not have dependant children

I'm sorry if I'm panicking needlessly and so sorry for being difficult. I think I just need to stay until the virus calms down rhen try to get a place in a different part of the country. I can't risk a shared hostel in London, not with being higher risk of the virus. I admit I'm too scared of that housing anyway. Sorry. Maybe I need to sleep on it. I'm safe for now and just need to wait it out. I hope it's ok to post about the issues anyway because it needs to change to be like Wales because I can't be that only women in this position. Not just childless but also those with grown up children.

[plantlife]

So what I mean in a non rambling post is the local authorities have a duty to "help" but help doesn't necessarily mean house. I think a lot of people won't care (otherwise there would be better help and funding already) but so many others do care but don't realise there's no legal right to housing for all DV victims (in England). I used to assume the same, that help meant housing. I hope it changes in the future so all victims have a safe way out but I don't suppose it will. I'm sorry if I'm being too negative but I'm so scared of being without a safe home. I know I need to calm down and sleep. I know I still need to try. I just felt so sick reading that.

[12345kbm]

You are considered vulnerable if you are fleeing domestic violence and they will help you. They may help with the sanctuary scheme, a refuge, a homeless application etc and they are obligated to tell you of your various options.

If you go to your local homeless persons unit (HPU) or local authority housing office, they have a duty to investigate your case. If the local authority has reason to believe that you are homeless/threatened with homelessness, in priority need (for example, you are vulnerable from domestic violence) and eligible (eligibility varies so you need to seek advice from Shelter on this) it must provide you with immediate temporary accommodation until they have completed their enquiries and notified you in writing of their decision. This may be bed and breakfast or hostel accommodation. It is up to the local authority to investigate your case, it is not your responsibility to prove it.

If the local authority is satisfied that you are eligible, in priority need and unintentionally homeless it has a duty to provide you and your
family with secure and suitable accommodation. This is called the main housing duty. There is no time limit on this but it can end in certain circumstances. You should ask your local housing
officer for further information.

You should also apply to go on the local authority’s housing register in addition to any other application you make. Local authorities can only offer you permanent housing if you are on this register.

[12345kbm]

There is no harm in going to the local authority, applying to go on the register and seeing what's available.

I've already outlined your other options and you do have options .

Either/or you have phone calls to make today OP: Shelter, Local Authority/Police.

[plantlife]

I'm my own worst enemy. I know I need to take a deep breath, think calmly, sleep. I've been up all night. I know I'm letting the fear take over, and panicking makes the worst case more likely. I've been trying to call the national helpline. Can't get through even in the middle of the night. I know they must be extra busy. I should get some sleep. I'm safe whilst he's away so should try to use the time to plan and try to get strong enough to take the risk.

I'll try to be strong enough to apply for the housing association. I'm going to call first and check they won't call the police. My council's no good. I've not been in the area long enough for the general register. Out of area too long for my old council. I wish they all had the same time limits. I need to sleep and try to calm my mind. I'm lucky I have time to be safe and plan.

[Blossomad]

As far as I know these days you will rarely be put in social housing even if you are in need, but you will be helped to rent privately. So a social worker will help to find a suitable place and organise the benefits to pay for it? Also there are women only secure housing units. There is one near me which is basically a very attractive mansion type building with individual flats for short term use. A friend of mine stayed there years ago when she was made homeless due to a fire. I’m not an expert by any means but I suspect that you would need to be assigned a social worker to gain access to this kind of housing. It is clean, secure and in a nice quiet area. No men or substance abusers.

[Fightingback16]

Keep trying @plantlife, take a deep breath. I believe you can do it!

[12345kbm]

@posterplantlife Have you contacted Shelter? You're not your own worst enemy you're frightened and it causes paralysis. Abuse fogs your brain making you unable to think clearly.

You need to act though.

[plantlife]

I couldn't get through to Shelter but I'll try tomorrow. I had a meltdown earlier, crying and now I've got a headache. One of the neighbours is awful with noise and on top of the stress it got to me. I'll try to start again tomorrow. I'm sorry to sound so spoilt but I feel so worn down at the prospect of never ever having a safe secure home. I've done years of private renting. On a low income the insecurity it frightens me and the places the let to people on benefits are often so awful. I felt suicidal in one place. That's a major reason why I stayed with him even after he really physically hurt me. If I was younger and healthier I'd feel less scared. That's why to be honest I don't think he's that likely to kill me. He knows my fear about housing. I used to beg him to let me work and get well so I'd not end up with no housing or very bad housing. I struggle enough where I am. I don't see a way out as I've lost my savings so no change of ever owning somewhere and no social housing. I feel frightened at my age with bad health to be forever unable to settle, always waiting for an eviction or unaffordable rent. I feel I need to cling to him because of this. I don't know if it's a fog making it seem so hopeless. I didn't sleep much I suppose. I have s tiny chance with the housing association, I was high on the list, but I'm scared to reapply. If I downplay I'll be lower on the list but if I'm honest they may call the police and I'll be forced to go to temporary accommodation and be at risk of the virus. Sorry for negatively. I think I need to take a proper break from posting to clear my head. Also I didn't want to take over the thread. I really hope others still post here. I don't want to be the only one. Thank you again for your kindness. I'll post back if there's ant updates.

[12345kbm]

They won't call the police OP. Did you contact the LA (Local Authority)? He's back at the weekend so I'm concerned that you won't get an opportunity to make other arrangements.

Well done for trying Shelter; they're inundated, so you need to keep trying.

You can also contact Refuge so you know your options. 0808 2000 247

Other things you can do is a Google search: 'Domestic Abuse help Brixton' for example and contact other organisations.

You can phone the NCDV and get advice on your legal options: 0800 9702070

Thanks for reporting back, I'm rooting for you, urging you on OP. Someone out there cares - you're not alone here.

[plantlife]

Thsnk you so much. I felt very alone but I'm ok now. It's nice being on my own sometimes I suppose. Sorry for posting again. Im going to try the calls tomorrow. I'm scared they'll call the police if they think risk of serious harm. I don't need to worry as I'm not at the highest risk. I'm safe and he doesn't want to go to prison. He might stay with his friends longer but he won't say yet. He'll go for long walks when he's back so I'll have some time.

I need to just get through the next few months but I'll use the time to plan. I kept messing up plans but I'm going to make a big effort. I've realised I can't leave yet. Read some virus threads. I'm at higher risk (vulnerable but not shielded group). If there's not enough beds, they won't try to save people with comorbidities. I can't risk going out or shared housing especially in the virus hotspot. He won't kill me but if he did it would be a quicker death than the virus. I'll ask refuge if I get through if there's any way around that but they can't perform miracles. I'll plan for after it calms down. I know I'd have to have him removed in an emergency and suppose hope I'd get a refuge when lockdown ends, but hopefully I won't need to. Thank you again.

[bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg]

I don't see the point in being safe for a few months only to then be homeless.

That "few months" buys you time in which to find somewhere safe to live. People are still allowed to move house.

You might not believe it, but you can look after yourself. You don't need a man to do that for you, especially not this one.

Don't get pregnant by him. Being childless is better than being abused.

[plantlife]

I can't move now. I'm in the vulnerable group so need to self isolate. I'd rather he killed me than the virus. Quicker and probably less painful. No-one needs worry about me getting pregnant. In desperation I thought of trying again so I'd be housed. I wouldn't stay with him or tell him or put his name on the birth certificate. But it's highly unlikely I'd conceive and anyway I know it's morally wrong to deliberately bring a child into this mess. It's deeply painful though not being a mother. I feel ashamed too.

I'll make the calls tomorrow and get advice but I don't think there's much they can do for me. I don't see how any woman who needs to self isolate can leave an abuser right now. If they're not in a hotspot and can drive I suppose it's possible. I just have to try to ride it out. It's my own fault for not leaving sooner when my health was better. I think I might be beyond help but I've had my life. Please anyone else don't give up. I'm not normal. I suppose I'm maybe an example of what happens if you stay too long. I suppose people are right. I'm making a choice. Out of bad options. I'm choosing a safe roof over my head with my own bathroom and kitchen and a comfortable bed with clean bedding, enough food and other essentials. In exchange I might get a little bit of unpleasantness but there's a lot worse out there. The violence isn't bad anymore so safe from that. I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. I suppose I needed to write it all out to realise my options and my barriers and my choices. Thank you for being so kind. It's comforting to know there are kind people in the world.

[12345kbm]

If you're vulnerable and self isolating, surely he can't return?

It's one or the other. Either you're afraid of the virus and don't want to catch it or, you don't mind the risk and you're allowing him to come back. Which is it?

[plantlife]

I suppose officially he shouldn't come back but I can't stop him or he won't pay the rent. I'm not on the shielding list. I'm the next category down. He was being really nice actually about washing his hands and we have bleach. He even will sleep on the sofa if I'm worried so I guess he does care about me. Sorry for wasting your time.

[12345kbm]

And here we go again with the circular arguments...it's very tiresome. You have three months grace and won't be evicted if he doesn't pay rent.

Just ask him not to come back during the lockdown as you're vulnerable and don't want to take the risk. If he refuses to pay rent you can't be evicted and should seek advice from Shelter.

If you're happy to take the risk of him travelling across London or the 'epicentre' as you keep saying, then you're obviously happy to take the risk of catching the virus.

[plantlife]

I'm sorry I didn't want to make you angry. I don't have the strength to do this. He'd absolutely go mad if I didn't let him back in. I couldn't stay. He'd get drunk so wouldn't think about any kind of injunction. I'd be a sitting duck. I know this may be sounds irrational but I feel it's better having the risk, virus or violence, from one person than from many. Also it's the familiar rather than unknown dangers. I've also tried several times in the past to find somewhere else. Nowhere would take me. Over months I looked so three months will go quick. I was more mobile and had savings last time I tried. I'm sorry for being difficult. I'm genuinely sorry for upsetting you. I should never have come on this thread. It's here to help people and I'm beyond help. If he was going to kill me he'd have done it by now. I asked him to a while back to get it over with so he definitely won't if he thinks I want it. He won't. He might hurt me but I'll survive. It can be unpleasant but it's not as bad as being homeless or bad housing. I can't ever go through that again. It destroyed me. I'm so sorry. I genuinely don't want to upset you. I'm so sorry I have. I've made my choice I suppose. I wish I could have things differently but it's not going to magically get better. It's my fault. I had chances and didn't take them. It could be far far worse so I'm going to stop wasting people's time and make the most of what I've got. I'm lucky as I have a lot more than many people. He's not as bad as the serious abusers and I think he does care about me, and you've now seen how difficult I am so be must care if be puts up with that. I'm sorry. I want to leave the thread now. I think I need to stop posting completely as it makes me focus on rare bad things that are all in the past. I need to look at the good stuff.

[12345kbm]

There's no need to apologise to me and I'm not upset or angry. I'm concerned for you. Look, you know your options so we'll just have to take it day by day. I would pack an emergency bag in case you need to flee, keep your phone charged and cash in the bag. Have an escape plan and we'll take it from there.

Keep posting, you are who the thread is for. I know it's hard but I'm trying to keep you safe. Get some rest.

[DaveTheDog]

I had to live in the family home with my abusive Ex for 9 months while our terrible divorce raged on. I still had the ‘luxury’ of him going out to work and being able to slip out to see friends...

I just used to find solice concentrating on the activities I enjoy that he found boring / ignored me when I was busy doing them (mending clothes, gardening , reading and baking). All the ‘wholesome’ activities didn’t wind him up. In his pig-brain I was being the good dutiful wifey. Basically ‘grey rock’ activities - but the ones I also found calming.

The advice for extreme situations is already here -which is wonderful - brilliant OP! xxx

Tackling your MH while the relentless threat of abuse is ongoing and you can’t go much is bloody challenging.

Sending love to anyone reading this in a dire situation.

[yogi1]

Plantlife Stop trying to think so hard about technical words.A LA has a duty to act. A duty means they have to do it otherwise it would be called a 'power to act' which would then mean its at their discretion. I've got a Law degree and a Social work degree (Yes even people considered professional, and I should be extremely embarrassed being a Social Worker can be a victim of DV} so stop thinking about the words you are reading. I overthought every day for years about whether to stay or go until it nearly drove me insane and I already had pre existing MH problems alongside physical ones as well. Keep it simple. Do you want to stay or go. Don't spend so much time analysing just ask yourself that as if you had to make the decision in the next 10 seconds and then act on your decision. DV organisations are still open but workers are working from home. Mine contacted me yesterday and spoke to me for an hour and is going to do the same every 2 weeks until we can meet face to face. You have to make a choice. I know its scary. You also don't need to get pregnant just to find accommodation if anything that would make things worse as Safeguarding would come into play then and professionals focus would be on the child's safety and then your inability to keep them safe and they would be deciding on whether you were able to protect them or not. Trust me I have worked in this area and you really don't want that happening. People don't get helped quicker if they have a child anybody fleeing DV would be helped. I made excuses when people suggested things to help because I was scared I would make the wrong decision. I would spend all my waking hours asking myself. I had one day to act and accept the property that I'm in now otherwise I was being taken to court by the Housing Association for not living in the house .I've had extremely crap advice along the way and excellent advice. My DV worker said to me yesterday that if I weren't as strong as I am I wouldn't be here now compared to others, but I'm far from a strong person. As somebody else said on this post not even their child could pull them out of what they were experiencing. But that's what it took me as well seeing my child's scared face whilst listening to my husband screaming and punching things all over some bagels, now come on that's not the response of someone who loves you. You are writing your excuses on here to people who are trying to help you at some point people are going to stop because they'll think you're not listening. You are having some excellent advice on here. Something that I wasn't aware of when I was in the middle of waiting months for an outreach worker. You need to make a decision and try that out even if you feel terrified about what may/could happen. You don't know what's going to happen next nobody does. But you do know what will happen if you don't do anything, you'll continue to get what you've got and by the amount of posts you've made {not a criticism} you don't really want that otherwise you wouldn't be asking for help.