For those on lockdown with an abuser

[12345kbm]

Many will be facing the lockdown with an abuser and I thought a thread where people can post for support, reassurance and help might be useful.

I understand that the National Domestic Violence Helpline will be available. This is a 24/7 helpline run in conjunction with Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

If you are frightened or think things are going to get violent please dial 999.

Try to make a safety plan. You can find out how to do that here.

Here's how to cover your tracks online.

Domestic Violence/abuse tends to follow a pattern which is called the cycle of abuse. You can read up about that here.

Many recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? to help understand the motivation of abusers.

I don't know what is going on with local domestic abuse organisations. However, you can find your local organisation here. You can also do a Google search for resources. For example, 'Domestic Abuse Help organisations Lincoln' and see what comes up. Also check your council's website for resources.

If you are frightened during the 'tension building phase' ie know it's going to kick off or think something may happen then contact 101 and speak to the police about your concerns. Also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Refuge places are scarce but you may be able to get a refuge bed.

If you are worried about pets, there are resources here. There may also be local resources available that your local domestic abuse organisations will be aware of.

If you're unsure if you're with an abuser, you can read up on the abuser profiles here. You can also read up on signs of an abusive relationship. There is also a quiz here to see if you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are being raped or sexually abused. Please take a look at Rape Crisis.

The Freedom Programme is better done in the group but you can do the online version here.

Useful websites:
For legal concerns, Rights of Women have lots of Family Law and Domestic Abuse information on their website.

For information regarding children such as child maintenance, benefits, contact etc, check out the Gingerbread website.

The Citizen's Advice also has a very comprehensive website for anything else. They also have up to date info on coronavirus and work/benefits etc so please check it out if you have concerns.

Please don't tell an abuser you want to leave or are thinking of leaving because you are most at risk when leaving and in the first year after leaving.

[yogi1]

Thank you for the advice people have given. I didn't think anyone would reply. The Relate counsellor did say in the session that she needed to document DV and asked if there was but my husband just looked at me and I told her no. How these people think you're meant to go back home with them I don't know, even the Police. For the people who have not left this has taken me a year and a half to leave. When you're with someone who's character changes everyday it's difficult to know who you're with. I would wake up at 5 in the morning, tense thinking what's he going to be like when he gets up. I couldn't say what I thought, I couldn't disagree with anything he said. My friend in Wales is a social worker and she did work with Womens Aid and they found me a house and a support worker to leave but I was overwhelmed, I had no money, no possesions, and so many hospital apps here which I needed. Possibly the worst mistake I made in turning it down. I spoke to my friend last night and she's like 'don't you f dare go back' so is the DV outreach worker who was meant to come and see me next week but will probably need to cancel but I will check maybe their doing phone work. I have been through an awful lot in my life but I would say the last 2 years, waking up and wishing that I could just die, or wishing the end of the day would come quickly, or hoping he'd go away for a few days played on my mind so much. I even had my daughter say things like 'mummy you are an adult you can say or do want you want why won't you say anything back' . Because I walked on eggshells everyday to stop the person getting angry, shouting, slamming doors/ cupboards calling me a selfish c* in my face and smashing up the house. I didn't ever tell her this but spent all my mental energy trying to act like nothing was wrong whilst inside going mad. Thank you for the advice, sometimes it takes someone you don't know to listen and tell you what they think. I'll keep following these threads and if there's anyone who needs to talk then feel free.

[FlowerArranger]

I spent all my mental energy trying to act like nothing was wrong whilst inside going mad

I expect most abused women will be able to identify with this statement. It is so succinct. More than anything it summarises what it must be like to be abused, day after day after day.

[FlowerArranger]

Programme about abuse on Woman's Hour this morning.

I only caught the tail-end of it - finished at 10.30 am, if you want to catch it on BBC Sounds.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/live:bbc_radio_fourfm

[12345kbm]

@yogi1

The Relate counsellor did say in the session that she needed to document DV and asked if there was but my husband just looked at me and I told her no. How these people think you're meant to go back home with them I don't know, even the Police.

If there was abuse, the counsellor would hopefully, have not continued the counselling. Abusers are notorious manipulators and often try to charm the counsellor to their side, they use the counselling sessions in order to further control and dominate their partners. If they have individual therapy, they 'therapise' their partner, telling her what the therapist has said, often blaming their partner for the abuse. They may also be held accountable by the therapist and take that out later on their partner. Any way you look at it, it's unhealthy and can be dangerous.

The police didn't seem to handle your situation very well. You wouldn't arrest a thug who was smashing someone in the face on the street, take them to the victim's house for questioning and then leave them there. Some forces are very badly trained in domestic abuse. I'm sorry to hear about your experience.

A year and a half is good OP, some people never leave. Of course you couldn't disagree with anything he said as he would lose control, he doesn't want to be challenged.

It is overwhelming to leave and there's no point ruminating about why you didn't leave earlier, you were in a different place then. Abusers erode your confidence, your self belief and your self esteem. They make out that you're being abused because you're bad and shameful and you deserve it. It's also terrifying to leave if they are violent or have threatened you.

Are you safe now? Did you take out any injunctions against him? I'm glad you have support and an IDVA helping you. Please stay in contact with her, I'm sure she'll contact you. Many DV organisations are doing what they can.

Because I walked on eggshells everyday to stop the person getting angry, shouting, slamming doors/ cupboards calling me a selfish c in my face and smashing up the house.

Sounds terrible. I'm glad you managed to get out. I hope you're somewhere safe now.

Thank you for offering to support others, it's very kind of you.

[12345kbm]

@crystalize I believe the government has asked people not to move. However, a refuge space may be available where @welliesarefuntowear lives.

[greenflower279]

Hi op

Just want to say I have seen you give amazing advice on similar posts, you are wonderful! Many ladies will be appreciating your advice on here.

[Ordree]

Awful situations that nobody should have to ensure under any circumstances

[plantlife]

Sorry I didn't reply sooner @12345kbm I'm scared to say much on more read part of Mumsnet. It's been particularly difficult for me to leave because of where I live. The worse place for housing although I want to leave the area completely. Now I'm trapped until the virus hopefully gets under control because nowhere will take anyone from the worse hit place virus wise. My option before weren't good either. My local DV service told me ages ago they don't help with housing. I get told to just call the police, which is no good as he's released after 24 hours more angry and I'd also rather he hit me than I end up homeless or in mixed purpose possibly mixed sex hostel. I'm sorry I know that sounds awful. So it's probably my own fault for being too picky but I've been out of contact with other people for years and shared facilities terrify me especially now with the virus. I'm really sorry Wolfie. I know I sound horrible but at my age I haven't time to wait re trying for children. Occasionally in desperation I also think it's my only way out without homelessness. But it shouldn't worry you too much as it's unlikely with my health that I'll get pregnant. I'll keep trying to get through this. He's being nice at the moment. I think most people posting here are more normal then me, I have a lot of barriers that I'm too scared to explain here, and anyway most of you will have children and in that case they will get you out if you need to leave, so please don't take my experiences as a guide. I probably did have a chance of a refuge place but in all honesty I'm scared of leaving him and being without him. He's being very nice at the moment so I'm safe.

[crystalize]

@12345kbm Yes it says people should delay moving but it also says "If a property is vacant, people can continue with the transaction, although they must ensure they are following guidelines with regards to home removals."

[12345kbm]

@plantlife you need to seriously have a think here as you can't remain with an abuser for the rest of your life. I understand that it seems frightening to leave but anything is better than what you have.

A domestic abuse organisation can help with housing, some DV workers aren't very well trained or may not know what's available for you. You can spend this time planning. The first thing I advise you to do is work out a safety plan if you haven't already and pack yourself a bag. Details of that are in the original post, although I'm happy to help if you need advise.

I don't know where you are in the UK but my general advice would be to contact the council about your options. You can contact any council, so present as homeless at the area you want to be housed. You said you have other 'barriers' to leaving so, if you have disabilities which are either physical or mental (or both), they may provide emergency housing for you. In order to get emergency housing, it would help to provide police reference numbers or a reference from your GP or another professional. You can also ask someone who may have witnessed the abuse such as a friend or neighbour.

Alternatively, you can apply for an Occupation Order which regulates the family home. He won't be allowed in the house while the injunction stands. You can also apply for a Non Molestation Order which prevents him from being abusive to you. Breaching a Non Mol is a criminal offence so he will be arrested should he breach it.

You can contact Shelter for more information regarding housing. They have a chat facility if you can't talk on the phone.

[12345kbm]

@crystalize then that's great news. My bad for not reading the whole article. For all those reading and not posting, move, move, move before the lockdown gets stricter.

[plantlife]

Thank you for being so kind to everyone and trying to help me. Unfortunately I'm in London. Councils don't house people with health issues here unless it's very severe. I need to leave anyway as he usually, when no virus, works across London. I have to stay for now as no refuge will want someone from here right now. I also can't go out as I don't want to catch the virus. Sorry for being so negative. I've had very bad experiences with my local DV services. I know most are wonderful and I've spoken to others out of my area who were so kind. I was too scared to leave though. If I get through the next month's I'll try to leave but need to wait for the virus to go.

[12345kbm]

@plantlife being in London is great as there are so many options for you. I've given you the details of how to do that above and you can also contact Shelter for further details.

The problem is, the abuse may escalate due to the lockdown OP so perhaps contact another DV organisation (there may be several in your borough and your council may also have their own resources) to see what support is available near you. Go to your council website and look up Domestic Abuse. Also contact the helpline and see if there are spaces available.

I understand that you are frightened but you may be at risk. Please reach out for support and advice.

[Wolfiefan]

@plantlife the trouble is that you always seem to look for a reason not to go. Health, virus, he’s being nice, you feel guilty, it’s not that bad etc etc.
This man has threatened to kill you. You must be proactive and find a way out. Please follow the excellent advice here.

[adviceatthislatestage]

I heard yesterday about an app called Bright Sky. It's a way of reporting incidents and keeping photos for evidence, but is disguised as a weather app.


www.reducingtherisk.org.uk/cms/content/hestias-bright-sky-app

[12345kbm]

Yes, Brightsky is a DV app from Hestia (a DV org.). You can get advice, find DV organisations near you, find out what to do and record incidents on the app. Info is kept online and not on your phone. It can be a bit 'buggy' though.

[12345kbm]

It's really lovely to see everyone reaching out and sharing information and support to people.

[yogi1]

It also took me a long time to leave because I had to wait a long time for support and had a lot of bad advice along the way. When we went to Relate I said things and my husband acted in ways, in the sessions and the Counsellor said that she thought this was going along the ideas of DV but asked us if this was the case as she had to then work differently if there was and record and inform agencies. I contacted 101 because in this County the Police have their own domestic abuse workers. I was on such a long waiting list for the Domestic Abuse Organisation which is why I rang the police who on the phone were excellent and telling me to go to the station as they would help. Which was me sitting in a room with an angry policewoman asking me to make a statement of which I couldn't especially to the police as my daughter was at home with her dad and the police just wanted to go straight there and interview him. Also with Relate I could hardly say yes the person next to me is abusing me. He would have hit me and thrown a chair at her and also how was I meant to go home again. As I said my friend who is a Social Worker, who we'd hardly spoke in years I rang her crying, I was halfway between my daughter's school and home in a layby. She said right go home, pack 2 bags and drive to her house which is in another part of the UK. I rang my Gp and had an emergency months prescription made up, which they will do went home looked around and thought how the f am I'm going to find stuff, what do I take etc. I also have hospital appointments in this County and was so scared of just walking away and not knowing how I could this transferred as it was just the start of my treatment so I panicked and didn't go. Over those months my GP surgery must have made up about 5 emergency packages for me to take of which I didn't go. I then went months later to stay with my friend, not really being able to talk as my daughter was with me but as I was leaving I burst out crying that I didn't want to go. She went mad and I came home. She has a very stressful job but managed in her spare time to contact Womens Aid in her County who they contacted a smaller charity. Over weeks I had phone calls with them and they offered me a house for myself and daughter with a support worker for 6 months and I couldn't do it. I suffer from severe anxiety and its very difficult for me to make decisions as I overthink things. Anyway my friend and I then didn't speak for awhile, probably because she was pissed at me. I then came back and waited to be given a DV worker where I live. For all that time I just went to my Hospital apps, and sat in my car parked in a park, for weeks. When I would ring my father he always would say where are you and I'd say the park.He would say why are you sitting in your car in the park why aren't you home. So I told him. Anyway I waited and sufferred mentally and had a very shit care coordinator in the CMHT and they discharged me saying my mental health problems were caused by social problems. I eventually met my outreach worker and within 15 minutes she had made me feel better even if it didn't last. And with every other meeting and argument with her she was still this steadfast, strong, person who took no shit of anyone and believe me I've tested her patience a lot.She wrote leters to councils, solicitors, came with me when I was shown the property I am in now where I was balling in the kitchen with a housing officer from the council asking me why the fuck I was crying when I was being offerred a set of keys to get away. The DV worker took my daughter into the garden and had a chat and my daughter thinks she's the most amazing person she's met. I took the property last October, but didnt move in because I didnt know if I was making the right decision and would spend all my waking time trying to work out which decision to make.I paid rent and bills on this empty property for 3 months and had nothing whilst sleeping in my husbands new house on an airbed in the spare room with my daughter, both of us on an airbed.Completely crammed in a box room all of our things in bags and all my paperwork hidden in the boot of my car. I would never let him drive my car, go inside it to get something and got nervous when he went near it because of the stuff I had. I even caught him once hanging out side a window looking down at me when I was rifling through all my carrier bags in the back of the boot trying to make sure I had everything safe while he then went inside questionning our daughter about what's in mummys car. I found a solicitor and at first they wanted to get a non molestation order, prohibited steps order whilst still being in the same house as him so I didnt as that was not the best idea.So I stayed whilst I had an empty house somewhere else in my name. In January after lots of meetings with the council about not living there the housing aassociation sent me a notice to quit the property as I was not living in it. And I was just counting the days down that I had lef before they were going to take me to court and then that was it. On January 10th at 7 in the morning. The night before I was helping the childminder get a sofa she had found me so I didn't get back to his until 11pm. There was not much to eat just 2 pieces of bagels so I ate then uncooked whilst in bed with my daughter. At 7am the next morning that is when, even though its happened before, I couldn't do it anymore. I woke up to him screaming on the other side of the bedroom door that I was a selfish c. He was punching the door, slamming cupboard doors shut, shouting his head off calling me everything for eating what he wanted for breakfast.My daughter then woke up and just stared at me. I have been extremely protective of her, trying to make sure she didn't know what was going on because I didn't want her to turn into me. She said 'mummy should we get up or wait'. I told her we should wait until daddy left for work and that was it That was how much I had to take until I then saw what she saw. And between dropping her off at school and picking her up I've never managed to pack so much shit into a car and move to the other house.When he came home I was still packing and moving stuff and he said what are you doing I'm not kicking you out. And I couldn't give a shit. I was so angry I didnt care if he hit me, I'd just ring to police and tell them everything. He stopped me taking most of the things I'd paid for in fact my daughter and I had the airbed, plates and cutlery off my childminder, no white goods and I paid some man with a van to go to my husbands house with me and took other things, even with my husband yelling in the garden in front of this 20 year old, 'do you want to take the shirt off my back as well you selfish bitch'. I just carried on because as the DV worker told me I had a set of keys to be somewhere else and as soon as he started I said what Ii thought and would shut the door and told him I would call the police.For the first month it was a nightmare as he would constantly call, send texts and turn up outside property but I started to be able to tell him to f o. I filled in legal aid papers to get a child arrangements order but still haven't sent them off as I think if I get any more stressed out I'll keel over. My hair has gone grey and is starting to fall out and my daughter said a couple of days ago that mummy doesn't look as pretty anymore. But it took awhile to get stuff, mostly paid for by my father but most of it from second hand shops and walls still need painting and my clothes are still in bags but my daughters room is beautiful done only with second hand stuff and bits of furniture from elderly people in the village for free. But I know what people who haven't left will be thinking, that to get all this is impossible. Its not impossible, and it takes time and believe me you'll cry a lot. And its still not great. I've got serious health problems and I'm on benefits which only started in January and now we've got a virus which is changing the benefit system again so I'm scared shit this is all going to fall apart. My car broke down last week and I'm now stuck in this village. And as I said before not knowing what is going to happen in the future is a nightmare for somebody who suffers from anxiety. I don't have a computer, this is borrowed until May from the housing association and I have an old blackberry phone and no clue about all this stuff. I don't know how to do a lot of things. But as people keep telling me 'google or youtube it' and my daughter is much quicker then I am. So I know most people probably haven't read much of this but if there is still people stuck, sufferring and not knowing what/how to do things don't give up. My husband now lives 2 streets away from me which is still uncomfortable and like other posts I've read, yeh somedays I see him and thin oh he'sok, he's fine and maybe he's stopped being angry and resentful and maybe things would be different if I went back and tried to be more assertive and said what I think and not take any shit off him. But I couldn't do that before when I was with him so really what would be different now if I did. I know how there's people on here just saying that today was a good day for them with their partners but that's only 1 day and then they'll change again and you won't know whether you're coming or going or whether this is really happening or are you just imagining it. Or maybe like I said earlier that I should have tried harder, given them everything they want, do everything for them, make yourself look as good as you can so they'll be interested in you. But you know what f** that! If somebody loves you they love you warts and all and they certainly are not meant to treat you like a piece of shit. My daughter said earlier that daddy wants her to do something with him tomorrow for the day but that'not his day to have her. She told him this and he replied 'you know what if you don't want to come out with me tomorrow bike riding I'm going to get rid of your bike as there's no point having it'. She's worried about her bike so I asked her what she wanted to do tomorrow and she said she doesn't know now as he may get rid of her bike so she asked me what to do. I said if you don't want to see him tomorrow to say daddy tomorrow I want to be with mummy so I'll come on a bike ride with you on Sunday and that if you can't wait until then and are gonna get rid of my bike tomorrow because I won't come with you tomorrow then get rid of it. She's looking at me and worried so I just told her we'll save for a bike and if your father wants to be a moron let him. So that's what she is saying tomorrow. Thank you for the messages from people of support, understanding and for telling it like it is. Sometimes you need that well I do anyway and for the moderators who have posted links to things to look at. Couldn't really believe what I just read maybe they should be printed off and stuck in the reception in police stations, Relate centres even though the counsellor was exceptional but didn't know the entire story. And my daughter does love the DV outreach worker, even though she's only met her once, but she does leave her gifts from other people in the community who like to give presents for families of DV and sometimes its only a bar of chocolate and some nail polish but my daughter is in awe of her. I asked her what did she say to you in the garden whilst I was having a meltdon in the kitchen with the housing officer and she said 'I don't really know, she just asked me how I was and she told me that she thought I was a very strong girl, who's a fighter and is going to grow and do amazing things'. She told me that she made her feel good about herself. That's also how she makes me feel.

[12345kbm]

I understand that Non Molestation Orders are still available. Please contact the NCDV for more information if you are in England.

Scotland has a different system so contact their Domestic Abuse Helpline for more information 0800 027 1234 They also have a chat facility if you can't talk on the phone.

Wales 0808 80 10 800 Live Chat Service Text: 078600 77 333 [email protected]

Northern Ireland 0808 802 1414 [email protected]

You can also apply for an injunction yourself here.

Here's what the injunctions mean:

Non-Molestation Order
These are designed to stop someone from pestering, attacking, threatening physical violence, intimidating or harassing their victim and/or children. Photos of any injuries or damage to property will strengthen the applicant’s case.

Each order is unique with the judge taking the applicant’s individual circumstances into account, such as their physical well-being and if there are children involved.

These orders can include the court prohibiting the perpetrator from communicating with their (ex-)partner, or instructing or encouraging others to attack, threaten or intimidate the victim.

The orders are typically granted for six to 12 months and breaching them is an arrestable offence.

But in the case of emergency non-molestation orders, they are granted for 28 days and then go back to court to give the abuser the opportunity to defend themselves against the allegations.

Occupation Order
Occupation orders specify who can live in a property, and can mean eviction of the abuser, banning them from visiting the family home or coming within a certain distance of it. Courts usually grant them for six to 12 months, and the power of arrest can be attached to an occupation order.

Prohibited Steps Order
Prohibited steps orders apply when the abuser threatens to take the children away from their victim’s care and control.

The orders will only be issued if the judge views it is in the best interests of the children for their overall welfare. Some contact between the perpetrator and children can continue if the judge regards that as reasonable in the circumstances.

There is no power of arrest attached to prohibited steps orders, but they are enforceable through the county court as contempt of court.

Enforcement
All these orders have to be served on the abuser – in court, or in person at some later time – for them to be enforceable. A copy of the order has to be given to the local police station so officers are aware it exists. A copy of the prohibited steps orders may need to be given to the children’s school(s) to ensure that the youngsters cannot be removed without the victim’s permission.

The orders can generally be applied to most forms of relationship: intimidate partners, ex-partners, couples who have had children and family relations, including in-laws.

Domestic Violence Protection Notice (DVPN)
Another safeguard for victims is a Domestic Violence Protection Notice (DVPN) which police can serve on an alleged abuser who they view as posing a continuing risk of violence to their (ex-)partner. A police officer has to give the written notice to a perpetrator by hand.

A DVPN lasts for 48 hours and requires the abusive partner to leave the premises and not contact the victim.

They can be extended by up to 28 days by magistrates, who issue a Domestic Violence Protection Order (DVPO). Survivors can use that time to consider their options and seek further support.

Restraining Order
When someone is being sentenced for offences related to domestic violence or abuse, the court may issue a restraining order to protect the survivor from violence, the threat or fear of violence, or harassment in the future. The orders can be issued for a specified period or until further notice.

[12345kbm]

@yogi1 thank you for sharing and I'm so proud of you for getting out. It sounds like your IDVA is pretty amazing and I'm so pleased you had her.

I hope your story goes some way towards helping someone else get out.

[12345kbm]

I thought I would post some information on the Duluth Power and Control Wheel to help people understand the nature of abuse.

There is a DV worker on Youtube explaining the Wheel here in a series of short videos.

[plantlife]

How can I leave? Now here will want someone from London. I also can't risk going out and catching it. I'm trapped now. Nowhere seemed to want someone from London even before the virus. I had several refuges say things like it would be harder to rehouse me if I was from out of area. I can't stay in London. I know we're in lockdown now but once it's over, he works across town and has friends all over. Anyway I can't stay because honestly the only help the local DV service can offer is a mixed use hostel. I know I'm being picky but I can't cope with that. I'm not young or healthy anymore. The other DV service in my borough told me they don't help with housing. There looks like lots of services in London but most are for very specific groups only, a particular minority group or a certain age (like under 21) or one particular borough only. I fear a homeless hostel or homelessness far more than being hit. I struggled in a bedsit and that's when I was fit and well. I fear him leaving me. I don't care about the abuse compared to that. Anyway he's being nice now. I only posted really to try to help others. Because if bad experiences and lack of funding/help isn't ever spoken about how can it ever get better? I don't want to be without him. The alternatives are horrible and I really am safe for now. I'm more scared he'll go. Things have calmed down wuth him and the virus makes me realise how I want to be with him. I just posted to hope funding maybe improves one day but I guess probably not for a while now there's s pandemic.

I'm so glad you got away and starting a new better life with your daughter, Yogi1. Your story felt like me talking some of it. The way you couldn't leave. I had a chance a few times but couldn't do it. I maybe wish I had but I think things have changed with my partner. The virus has brought us together and we're starting again.

[Wolfiefan]

Oh fuck @plantlife I actually felt sick reading that.
The virus hasn’t brought you together. He is being nice for now. Like he has in the past. As part of the cycle of abuse. You really need the freedom programme.
He has threatened to kill you. He will continue to hurt you. Physically and mentally.
You are much safer away from him. And no. You don’t initially have to leave London.
Look at the logic. You say you’re safe to stay but can’t leave and stay in the same city as he’s so dangerous.
You will end up another statistic. That’s beyond heartbreaking.

[yogi1]

Plantlife. You're overthinking and worrying to much. I was told that there were 2 things you could do. Be passive and hope everything will turn out all right with your partner or be proactive and sort things out. Also what is the least dangerous thing that you could cope with ? Every Council has a duty to provide accomodation to a person experiencing DV. The y make tell you all sorts of lies to scare you into not making an application.. I had 1 letter from the DV organisation before I had an outreach worker, to give to Council. They told me the nearest refuge was in Bristol which would be about an hour and a half from where I live, so I didn't go. But later another CAB worker told me the Councils were telling people that as they were trying to get their domestic abuse and housing statistics down. I just gave that letter to them and then they put me onto a higher banding for housing association properties where I live. I don't know how old you are but I'm 47 and have a 9 ear old. I'm too ill to go back to work. It's very difficult leaving the person you love but it doesn't sound like he loves you. And its much harder doing all this with a kid in tow. What decision out of staying or going would make you feel the most safe? Wondering whether they are going to hit you at anytime or going and being helped whether that's a hotel or bedsit? They don't allow people to go around punching others in hostels. Have you got a Women's Aid charity there, must be in London.You're worrying that you are going to end up in a worse situation, but you don't know that, that's why I didn't leave. But you know what my daughter and I are sitting in our pygamas watching a film at his time of day. If I was with my husband we would have been shouted at by now for not being dressed, turning off the tv and not wasting a day. Go outside for a walk and see physically how you feel when you are without him, you'll still be mentally going over things , find bench to sit on and see how you feel. Then notice how you feel when you are going back home, are you more tense, cos I was,. I had a complete feeling of dread every time I was going home. I just found the letter handed into the council. Its an application for housing under section 183 of the Housing Act 1996. The client is homeless because they are at risk of violence at their current accommodation. We believe that this person is in priority need because they are vulnerable as a result of ceasing to occupy accommodation by reason of violence or threats of violence. The LA has a duty to provide suitable accommodation.

[12345kbm]

@plantlife What do you mean 'how can I leave'?

You very obviously don't want to. You want to stay with your abuser and you've been given opportunities and been in contact with DV organisations but have chosen to stay. I have given you advice on how to get housing by the council who have an obligation to house you as you would be considered vulnerable.

You're choosing not to take the advice being given to you and to stay. The DV organisations can only work with what you are willing to do and for you, that's staying.

He will become abusive again because he's an abuser. If you look up your local council website and take down those details. They often have joined up services where they work with the housing team in order to find you somewhere to live. The government has stepped things up in order to keep people off the street.

People who love you don't abuse you OP. He doesn't love you. He doesn't care about you and you need to leave.

You need to work out a safety plan OP for when he kicks off again. Pack a bag that you can grab in a hurry or you'll end up running down the street with no money or shoes. You need to keep the domestic abuse helpline number on you and contact the police. You may be able to get an injunction to get him out of the house. You can contact the NCDV for that.

A woman in Spain was murdered by her abusive partner OP. You're going to end up as a statistic. You need to wake up because you're in denial.