Husband just called me a bitch

[dustycaramel]

So the back story is that he is fed up with my drinking. I do drink, and too much. Am working on cutting down and have successfully cut out booze three nights a week, sometimes four. I've got to work harder.
I drank too much last nigh and we got into a small fight about how we are going to manage teaching etc, with me panicking about managing work. I knew he was cross with me today, and tried to raise it and he said he hated the way I get when I've been drinking. I tried to defend myself a bit and told him that I hate the way he shuts me out when he gets angry about it and stonewalls me (I think?) by claiming everything is okay when it clearly isn't. I have anxiety and find this really difficult. He then started shouting at me and called me a bitch and said fuck you. Left the room shouting fuck you, fuck off, fuck off. He's never done this before. I think I am to blame really at the heart of all this but I am so hurt and upset. Can't work out how we can come back from this. I'm leaving some details of what he said out because they are 'outing' so I can't give word for word, but if anyone has any ideas. Obviously it is a bit of a wake up call as to how much my drinking is upsetting him, so I am going to work harder at that. I take responsibility. But I am so hurt. It's the 2nd anniversary of losing my Mum in 11 days, I'm struggling, and I thought I had his support. I don't know if I'm entirely to blame. Really confused.

@dustycaramel hello :)

First things first, well done on recognising that drink can affect how you carry yourself. I struggled with this too but I've nipped it in the bud and know my limits. The hurt your feeling is probably a mixture of guilt that you raised to the bait of alcohol and expressed yourself in an unhealthy way, so don't beat yourself up too much about that as that'll just add anxiety to the mix.

Your husband probably felt exasperated as you and he both know what drink can do, and although that's not an excuse and what he said is out of order, it is repairable if you both recognise the root cause.

The anniversary of your mothers demise is indeed a tense time for you and you need to find the coping mechanism that works for you. That's not alcohol, and that's not walking on eggshells in your house feeling upset about what happened.

Confront the situation, own what's happened and make a plan to move forward and don't let the past affect your future. Sometimes moving past the argument is better than winning it, and in this case if you want to have time to properly grieve my advice would be to calmly take ownership and move forwards.

All the best to you

It's really, really hard living with someone who drinks to excess. It drives you to the edge and sometimes beyond that. Calling you a bitch is horrible but it sounds as though he's snapped.

He probably stonewalls you because you have the same argument and your behaviour stays the same. Maybe your behaviour is like a bitch when you're drunk?

Its not nice hearing it especially from someone you love.

Living with a functional alcoholic is horrible. Even when they aren't drinking it's like waiting for them to drink. Drinking is the most important activity for them.

Condolences on the death of your Mam.

Is your drinking connected to it or are you justifying it to yourself? Either way seek professional help to give up alcohol altogether.

Your relationship is on the rocks and your inaction is the same as ending it.

Whilst you are dealing with your drinking you need to not address these things while you are drinking. It sounds like you do have his support but there are some things that he just can't manage such as having serious conversations whilst you are drinking. You are taking steps which is great. Add this to your steps whilst you work on the rest.

I think calling you names was horrible. But I've been with someone who drinks to excess. It horrible watching them turn from someone who is kind and loving to someone sneering, nasty, full of lies and hurtful things when they are pissed. Even more exasperating seeing them still do it when they promised not to. I'm so glad you've managed to cut down. You've done amazingly well. But maybe when you've both calmed down, have a chat. Tell him it's not acceptable to have him call you names but acknowledge that he is rightfully getting exasperated. Just listen to each other and ask for his support. Neither of you will win at each other's throats. Good luck op.

I am listening. Just taking it in a bit. Is hard to hear.

To answer the earlier question. I've been drinking too much since my Mum was diagnosed, eighteen months prior to her death. And my drinking is worse around this time. So much better than last year. I was so pleased with myself. And I thought I was doing okay, but I had four glasses of wine last night.

Are you drinking at home? If so, why do you keep alcohol in the house?

Allow yourself the occasional 1-glass mini-bottle if you can't cut it out completely, but otherwise keep a dry house. It's the only way.

I thought I was in a place where I could enjoy having a drink at the weekend, thought I had cut down enough to do that. My husband says he just wanted me to get back to a place where I enjoy my drink and aren't doing it to blot stuff out. He says he doesn't want me to have to stop enjoying a drink.

It’s great you’ve recognised you have a problem and you’re trying but you need to remember what’s gone before and your husband sounds like he’s had enough and is struggling to cope with things a bit. All this corona virus stuff is a lot for people to take in and he’s probably anxious too.

But your post is all about you, you’re wants/needs/feelings what about him?...sounds like he’s had a crap time with what’s gone on and perhaps tried to support you initially but doesn’t know what to do or where to go for help?

which one - my first one?

Do you mean he has had a crap time with what's gone on with my Mum? Yes he definitely has. I know that. His wants and needs with regard to what he wants from me or more generally? We aren't unbalanced. We spend loads of time talking about his wants and needs in life. 50:50 I would say. Lots of time talking about his business, as well as mine. Probably edging mostly towards his. Looking after his wellbeing etc.

But if you mean more specifically his needs from me? I guess not so much. I did make the move to cut down for him. Entirely for him.

Sounds like he lost his temper and exploded, he’s had enough. It’s clearly something not to do in an ideal world but we are all human.

How big were your glasses of wine? It does sound like you’re trying to minimise and excuse your drinking. Sitting with someone pissed or half cut night after night is no fun when you’re sober.

Your problem is that you’re trying to cut down for him when in reality you should be doing it for yourself.
I’m sure you know about the health impact of excessive drinking, but the way it alters your behaviour may not be so obvious to you.
My DH used to drink to excess at the weekend but couldn’t see how it changed his behaviour. I recorded him one night and played it back when he was sober. He was devastated.
You are dependent on alcohol now and need to admit that and seek professional help. Start by not having any alcohol in the house. Your dh will need to support you with this.

I had four standard glasses. There was some left in the bottle.

I do admit that I am dependent on alcohol. I don't have any issue admitting that. I just thought I was making good progress.

Potentially you could seek external help? There are plenty of groups available to support alcoholics and you can even speak to your doctor. I don’t know how your behaviour manifests when you’ve been drinking but that seems to be his issue.

Good progress would be stopping drinking
I feel sorry for DH.
You need to choose the bottle or your family.

I'm not sure that it's a good idea to aim to cut down rather than just cutting it out completely. As long as you have alcohol in the house there are going to be times when you make straight for the bottle, or where you are constantly thinking about when you can have your next drink. It would be far better to access counselling in relation to your mother's death and to get rid of every drop of alcohol in the house.

If you're an alcoholic, and it sounds like you're at least heading that way, you and your husband will have to accept that you can't, and never will be able to, "enjoy having a drink at the weekend". It means no alcohol in the house, for either of you. It also means not going into situations where you'll feel pressured to or justified in drinking, at least until you're quite sure you'll be happy with non-alcoholic drinks while people around you are drinking alcohol.

Find your local AA and go to a meeting. It's not just for toothless, homeless meths-drinkers; there will be other people like you there. Your husband would benefit from going to Al-Anon, too, as his mindset needs to change if he plans to stay with you.

The 12-step programmes aren't for everyone but they work very well for the people who engage with them. If you're turned off by some aspect of a local group, don't use it as an excuse to give up. Find another group, or find a different programme. There are others.

I hope you get clean and live a very happy and sober life.

You really need to stop drinking. Most people who have crossed over into alcoholism territory (dependant emotionally and/or physically on alcohol) can never go back to drinking. Even those that can, usually only can after a period of abstinence. He sounds like somebody who has been pushed too far.

Hey I stopped drinking after drinking way too much for a long time following a bereavement. The crunch came when I realised it was affecting my work, my relationships and my health. I started by changing what I did, going to bed early, really early sometimes, so the temptation wasn't there. Drinking soft drinks and taking one day at a time. Seems like you are reaching that place where you need to re-evaluate too. You can do it. You just need to take the first step. And it does get easier as time goes on. The first week was probably the hardest, but after that you need to check yourself to make sure you're not tempted back as well. But the benefits are huge. I have a natural high now, I've lost weight, my skin looks ten years younger, I'm not tired and I can function and make good decisions. Its really worth it for all that.

Verbal abuse is never ok - but living with someone with alcohol dependency is horrific and I am genuinely traumatised by it. I expect you underestimate the impact it has on him. You clearly can't just have a drink at the weekends, so you need to aim for abstinence. When you've lived with a drinker, they might think they are ok to just have a couple of drinks but as the partner you know you can never actually trust that they will stick at a couple and the fear hits you anyway. Personally with my ex I used to get on edge and angry whenever he would crack a beer. He would then get angry because 'i wasn't going to get pissed' then he would get pissed as a 'fuck you'. Horrific.

I've seen this book by Allen Carr recommended as helpful:

Stop Drinking Now: The Easy Way (Allen Carr's Easy Way)