Husband just called me a bitch

[dustycaramel]

So the back story is that he is fed up with my drinking. I do drink, and too much. Am working on cutting down and have successfully cut out booze three nights a week, sometimes four. I've got to work harder.
I drank too much last nigh and we got into a small fight about how we are going to manage teaching etc, with me panicking about managing work. I knew he was cross with me today, and tried to raise it and he said he hated the way I get when I've been drinking. I tried to defend myself a bit and told him that I hate the way he shuts me out when he gets angry about it and stonewalls me (I think?) by claiming everything is okay when it clearly isn't. I have anxiety and find this really difficult. He then started shouting at me and called me a bitch and said fuck you. Left the room shouting fuck you, fuck off, fuck off. He's never done this before. I think I am to blame really at the heart of all this but I am so hurt and upset. Can't work out how we can come back from this. I'm leaving some details of what he said out because they are 'outing' so I can't give word for word, but if anyone has any ideas. Obviously it is a bit of a wake up call as to how much my drinking is upsetting him, so I am going to work harder at that. I take responsibility. But I am so hurt. It's the 2nd anniversary of losing my Mum in 11 days, I'm struggling, and I thought I had his support. I don't know if I'm entirely to blame. Really confused.

Mrs Terry. He’s a good man I have no intention of ever leaving, but yes hopefully he will have to address some of his less nice characteristics once I’ve sorted myself out.

He likes a real ale every now and again if that’s what you’re asking. Not much at all. He could live without.

Re 12 steps, no intention of trying. Everyone in the community I know- has serious concerns about it. I will work with my psychiatrist to choose supported programme.

Curious - what?? I have a job to do?!

You're not listening/reading that right. Stop protesting, think about what I actually posted.

I read it again and it seems sympathetic- thank you - but I can’t slow down if I want my DC to learn at home. And even if I didn’t, I can’t really work with them at home so need to find a way to compress my day. I can’t imagine it’s unusual- surely very many other people are doing that? I’m a morning person, I can’t do evenings. It just doesn’t seem radical to me?

Sorry but your concentrating on him calling you a bitch, which you have said is out of character and it sounds like it's all down to your drinking. Your dependant and although have admitted it on here have you honestly admitted it to yourself and in real life because if you had you would be seeking actual alcohol support

If this was the other way around and a husband/boyfriend was drinking this much and behaving this way, mumnetters would be saying look after yourself, you can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.
I think you need to see how this is effecting your family and seek proper help. Ok name calling is a bit far, but hes allowed to express his anger on living with this. Maybe hes had enough.

I thought I was seeking the right kind of support. I'm doing the three days free on advice of GP and psychiatrist. Obviously Mumsnet knows better so I will take the advice.

I personally don't think it is all down to that - otherwise I wouldn't have posted. I thought it was an argument, I said back story because I do think he uses it as an excuse. But I've been told I'm wrong. I can accept that.

He's using your drinking as an excuse to call you a bitch you mean?
If you sort your drinking out (easier said then done) then you reassess the relationship and see how it is clear headed.

Not in an abusive way, just an unreasonable on this occasion way. I thought this was a row I was seeking help for. Not AA! But I do take the point that you have all made.

I didn’t call him a dick to his face.

Yeah she didn't call him crazy or tell him "fuck you" off or say "fuck you" either ,- unless she's left it out.

Abd this wasn't when she was drinking, but the next day when she was sober and trying to discuss it (if I've read it right).

Fuck you, I actually find to be an extremely aggressive, derogatory phrase.

Yes Gilbert you have read it right. I was trying to resolve and discuss.

And no I didn't leave that out!

Op back on the topic of alcohol dependence, I know you say your go etc have advised you to cut drinking down to three days a week (?)

They advised my sister to do that too. It just creeps up again. Or people just make up for the "missing nights" by drinking more.

One (not a counsellor or professional in this area I must add) when you get to a certain point and have a personality that is prone to self medication (for anxiety, stress, distress etc ) or a compulsive tendencies .. there are no half measures, they don't work. You have to go tee total and stick to it. It seems extreme but it's not, it's the only way.

no they told me I was drinking too heavily and I needed at least three days a week off. They have never told me to give up, I've been assessed and 'cleared' by my psychiatrist for alcohol dependence. I've been told today for the first time ever, on here, that I am alcohol dependent.
I tend to agree, because I feel dependent at the moment, in the month of March, the month my Mum died. I'll go with it, I'm sure you are all right. Happy to give it up if it means my husband will take my views more seriously. Just a lot to get my head around. Feel slightly befuddled right now.

@dustycaramel I'm not sure if anyone has asked you this yet, so I'm sorry if I'm asking you to repeat.

Is he telling you you behaved in a way you think you didn't?

I get all the pps saying how hard it is to live with a drinker, but his behaviour towards you is still not ok if you were just sitting quietly and talking. Were you out of control/very upset?

And devastated.

I cried, quite a lot. Frustration at the conversation and because I cry in the evenings right now (drinking or not) because it's when I relax and think about my Mum.

He's not gaslighting me (?) though. He thinks I change and get too emotional / highly strung. But I do whether I drink or not. It probably loosens inhibitions a bit though to be fair.

A lot of your sentences are about drinking to help with anxiety/help with loss of your mum. You will give up if means your husband will take you seriously etc

I think the drinking seems to be masking a lot and being used as a coping mechanism.
We're not experts on MN and we're not AA, we can only go by what you write.
But it seems more complicated then 'he called me a bitch'
Maybe separate the two, work on yourself and why you need to drink so often and your relationship issues will be clearer once you are clearer in your own head.
I don't see how you can solve relationship stuff if you're trying to grieve/deal with all the anxiety. It is too much at once.
Just a thought

He likes a real ale every now and again if that’s what you’re asking. Not much at all. He could live without.

That's not what I meant. Did no one at the Priory talk to you about codependency? Or transferring to another substance. Or relationships in addiction?

No wonder the treatment place I worked in had so many Priory drop outs!

That's a bit of a sweeping statement I think! My last stay in the Priory was a long time ago now, 2005. I didn't meet my husband until a number of years after that. Also, as mentioned, although assessed for the alcohol programme at the time I wasn't in for that. I was in for anxiety, COPD and social phobia around eating in public.

I could not be further than reliant on him for my emotional needs, nor him me. We are two very independent individuals who happen to have a usually lovely relationship. We have hit a bit of a stumbling block here.

Thank you Aerial by the way, but when does grieving stop? I've been having counselling, and I'm a lot better than I was, but I will be grieving (particularly at this time of year) forever. We have to work on our relationships despite that surely.

Clarifying post above. Last stay was 2003 not 2005, just thought it through. Met husband in 2006, so three years later when recovered. Assessed and determined no need. At that time. Psychiatrist and I talk it through at every appointment.

I've gotta say to all the addicts I've met be it alcohol or drugs if you continue to abuse you do not realize what a toll it'll take on everything in your life! If the addiction isn't addressed you face a very miserable ending to your life.

We are talking now. And listening to each other.