Husband just called me a bitch

[dustycaramel]

So the back story is that he is fed up with my drinking. I do drink, and too much. Am working on cutting down and have successfully cut out booze three nights a week, sometimes four. I've got to work harder.
I drank too much last nigh and we got into a small fight about how we are going to manage teaching etc, with me panicking about managing work. I knew he was cross with me today, and tried to raise it and he said he hated the way I get when I've been drinking. I tried to defend myself a bit and told him that I hate the way he shuts me out when he gets angry about it and stonewalls me (I think?) by claiming everything is okay when it clearly isn't. I have anxiety and find this really difficult. He then started shouting at me and called me a bitch and said fuck you. Left the room shouting fuck you, fuck off, fuck off. He's never done this before. I think I am to blame really at the heart of all this but I am so hurt and upset. Can't work out how we can come back from this. I'm leaving some details of what he said out because they are 'outing' so I can't give word for word, but if anyone has any ideas. Obviously it is a bit of a wake up call as to how much my drinking is upsetting him, so I am going to work harder at that. I take responsibility. But I am so hurt. It's the 2nd anniversary of losing my Mum in 11 days, I'm struggling, and I thought I had his support. I don't know if I'm entirely to blame. Really confused.

There's also been a massive pile on re ops behaviour while drinking, with projection after projection of posters personal relationships, but we don't actually know how op is when drinking.

He doesn’t shout at me no. He isn’t controlling in an abusive way, AT ALL, but he is a bit controlling in a benign way. I struggle with it. That does make me a bit anxious sometimes. Sorry, I missed your pos earlier.

*post

Giving kids no structure in their new day, calling someone crazy for suggesting they get up half an hour earlier to include structure, and telling someone repeatedly fuck off, fuck you while walking away is hardly reasonable behaviour.

He doesn’t shout at me no

Glad to hear it.

but he is a bit controlling in a benign way. I struggle with it. That does make me a bit anxious sometimes.

How is he controlling?

Sounds like he does contribute to your anxiety.

Glad to hear you will stop drinking, OP. But he sounds quite dismissing of you. Could he be part of the reason why you drink?

@GilbertMarkham
What you're saying is horrendously dangerous advice to any alcoholic. I know from living with one and having many in the family that they will do absolutely anything to justify drinking. If you follow the twelve step programme then it focuses heavily on acceptance. OP has already accepted her drinking is a problem, stop trying to create justifications.

Why do some posters always try to make it the mans fault.

Sine posters think it might be more complicated and nuanced than a binary "op's fault" / "man's fault".

Imagine that.

Well. I think it is a bit mad to get up at 4.30am to deal with kids at home and if my partner suggested that I would definitely say "no way!"

It sounds from your OP like you do push him when you are drunk and he is stonewalling. Would he talk to you the next day do you think? If he's feeling on edge you aren't going to have a productive conversation

I don’t want to say too much but I don’t think the 12 step programme is for me. I work in healthcare and there are too many people I respect who have significant issues with AA. I know of better routes.

It’s not his fault. But we have marital issues like anyone else, he’s not blameless and sometimes yes does make me feel dismissed. It does cause arguments when sober and drunk, the same one! He admits it and is trying to work on that.

My behaviour- I’m not clear - he says emotional, dramatic, over the top.

@Cheesepleas3

Read my post at the top of this page.

Read the first sentence.

Read it again.

Op should stop drinking. Tee total.
Op should get help to stop drinking.
Op should not make excuses for drinking.

Excuses and explanations/mitigating factors are separate.

Op has always suffered from anxiety.

She had self medicated for it and is continuing to. She needs to stop with emo.if necessary (likely).

However her DH contributing to her anxiety, being verbally abusive, being dismissive, extreme and disrespectful is a separate but important issue that needs investigation.

I'm sorry the nuances of that went right over your head.

To clarify, I have worked in some capacity (outing) with Alcohol Concern for many years, I know of what I speak.

*stop with help

Well. I think it is a bit mad to get up at 4.30am to deal with kids at home and if my partner suggested that I would definitely say "no way!"

But she gets up at five anyway/normally.

Yeah, sorry, nothing wrong with Gilbert’s post. I’m not an idiot, I can do nuance!

4.30 to start my work day. Not to teach the kids!

Normal day, leave house at 5, get train, dump stuff in office, go for run, work 7-4, get train, get kids.

Corona day (proposed) downstairs 4.30, log on with tea, work till 12.30. Take over from husband.

Probably no running.

Yeah, but 5 is not 4.30 and if you dont need to get up then, why would you?
I'm not very clear what the suggestion was, but I would think my partner wasn't being entirely rational if they said they were getting up at 4.30am to prepare work for kids. And would be very upset if they were expecting me up at 4.30 as I am far from a morning person

See below

My mums a recovering alcoholic and I lived with her when she was drinking. It's horrendous to live with

You are an alcoholic if you know your dependant on it

You say you aren't abusive but being an alcoholic is a way of abuse. You may not realise it but your husband has finally snapped. Your drinking is obviously affecting him.

Don't cut down ...... you need to STOP! If your dependant on it now then it means once you stop you can't have another drink again.

You need help as harsh as that sounds. Until you have lived with an alcoholic you won't understand and you may think your behaviour etc is okay but it isn't and it's affecting your husband which isn't fair

Maybe him calling you a bitch and to fuck off is your wake up call that he has had enough.

You’ve said you’re dependent on alcohol, which is a massive problem. V unrealistic to cut down or aspire to “just” enjoying a drink.

It’s negatively affecting your health, relationship and DC.

Seek to stop completely.

You say you know of some services etc - access them.

told him that I hate the way he shuts me out when he gets angry about it and stonewalls me (I think?) by claiming everything is okay when it clearly isn't. I have anxiety and find this really difficult. He then started shouting at me and called me a bitch and said fuck you. Left the room shouting fuck you, fuck off, fuck off.

This was when op was sober.

Or does her being drink the night before and focussing on something that was causing her anxiety - which he dismissed and called her crazy over (is that correct op?) give him carte blanche to behave like that toward her.

These are anxious times, I'm sure many people (including those without anxiety "issues") are having anxious, stressed episodes.

Even if they weren't; if op successfully cuts out her drinking, as she needs to, and her anxiety is hopefully reduced .. but is still there (because it has always been) then will her DH be responding to her anxiety in this way?

It's not really feasible is it, either she'd need to find good ways of coping with her anxiety or he'd need to get better at responding to it (or some combination) .. or she'd need to end the relationship and get into one whose character is better at coping with a partner with anxiety.

@GilbertMarkham
Do you think you drink to any extent because of him?
No other persons actions justify being dependent on alcohol. That is a problem on its own. If OP's husband treats her badly that is a totally separate issue. It's dangerous to try corrolate the two.