Husband just called me a bitch

[dustycaramel]

So the back story is that he is fed up with my drinking. I do drink, and too much. Am working on cutting down and have successfully cut out booze three nights a week, sometimes four. I've got to work harder.
I drank too much last nigh and we got into a small fight about how we are going to manage teaching etc, with me panicking about managing work. I knew he was cross with me today, and tried to raise it and he said he hated the way I get when I've been drinking. I tried to defend myself a bit and told him that I hate the way he shuts me out when he gets angry about it and stonewalls me (I think?) by claiming everything is okay when it clearly isn't. I have anxiety and find this really difficult. He then started shouting at me and called me a bitch and said fuck you. Left the room shouting fuck you, fuck off, fuck off. He's never done this before. I think I am to blame really at the heart of all this but I am so hurt and upset. Can't work out how we can come back from this. I'm leaving some details of what he said out because they are 'outing' so I can't give word for word, but if anyone has any ideas. Obviously it is a bit of a wake up call as to how much my drinking is upsetting him, so I am going to work harder at that. I take responsibility. But I am so hurt. It's the 2nd anniversary of losing my Mum in 11 days, I'm struggling, and I thought I had his support. I don't know if I'm entirely to blame. Really confused.

You're not a bitch.

You're an alcoholic.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop using something that happened years ago as an excuse and stop drinking.

He's probably bricking it at the thought of leaving the children in your care.

I would be. Well, if I hadn't thrown the drunken cunt out to keep us all safe, that is.

Bet he's now drinking 'because' of that.

Wow. May I suggest you may be projecting a little?

stop using something that happened years ago as an excuse

You must be reading a different thread from me.

Op said she's always suffered from anxiety and self medicated for it with other things in the past, alcohol more recently. Her anxiety her ongoing. And she lost her parent relatively recently.

However she absolutely needs to stop drinking. It's going nowhere good.

I've been told today for the first time ever, on here, that I am alcohol dependent

Ok. But you said it first, told everyone you were and stated you’d no issue admitting it.

I’m not sure what’s going on other than minimising and deflecting. I’m not sure how that will help your situation if I’m honest. But yes you can minimise it, say you don’t really do anything different, and totally blame your husband. You have to do you op
💐

Lots of really sensible people on this thread who have helped, taken care to try and understand, and offer advice,. And then you just get people who make assumptions, lack imagination to understand other circumstances, make dangerous suggestions, chuck insults around for fun, and are pretty damn inarticulate to boot. Think I will go with professional advice from here on in.
But thank you to the kind people.

Gilbert - I think she meant my Mum. Two years ago but heck I should be over it by now obviously.

I probably do minimise a bit but I was trying not to get too beaten up. I am alcohol dependent right now yep. No problem admitting it. I am going to get professional help with that.

One last thing - don't know how I am totally blaming my husband? I was just shaken by how he spoke to me. He has admitted he was very, very wrong.

We are going to get counselling for the dynamic because it is just not right. He says he doesn't see the word 'bitch' as particularly bad. I totally disagree.

He claims he was defensive because he thought I was saying he didn't care about schoolwork next week. Which is simply not true. We have some way to go to understand each other. We are talking and we will get there.

Professional stuff will go on in the background. I can multi-task.

Op, I’m sure you know your posts are conflicted. On one hand you say you were told to cut down and you felt you were doing really well getting to three or four days a week. Which indicates you were drinking many more nights a week prior to this.

You then tell us specifically you are only dependent in March as it’s the anniversary of your mothers demise, it’s only the twentieth of March now.

So either you were drinking every night the first week then cut down the last two or something, or this has been going on much longer than the last twenty days and you’re trying to pretend otherwise.

As said, this is your life, we are strangers, but I’m not sure there is any point asking for help if you aren’t really going to be honest about the Issue.

🤷‍♀️

First of all - it wasn't what I was asking for help about.

Second of all - I think I explained that I was in a rough place with drinking this time last year. I was drinking every night and not for enjoyment but to try and blot stuff out.

It took quite a lot of effort to cut right back from there. I stopped drinking when I felt I needed it, but just had a glass with dinner every night. A large glass to be fair.

Have fixed that - from June last year. The three nights a week free is obviously pretty basic advice which my GP agreed with when I totted up points in my healthcheck. All going okay, some weeks three, some weeks four, the rest of the time a glass with dinner. Then March 'loomed'. So prob from mid Feb - the date my Mum got jaundice basically and everything just broke. I can't handle that date and the 'countdown' from there.

I drink too much. I've always loved a drink. I'm currently dependent. I have faith I won't be again. Maybe I am wrong? But it's strange having your story told back to you in a way you don't recognise.

And it's not what I asked for help with.

Look. I have DC to put to bed, and a husband to have an evening with. I've spent too much time in the virtual world today and I've been neglecting them.

Sorry you all think I'm so hopeless but I can't show you who I really am through this thing and so that's that.

Thanks for the advice (the nice people).

The drink is numbing the pain. I get that. But numbing the pain means you're not feeling and facing your grief and anxiety, but masking it. Grief, I think, needs to be felt, otherwise it continues forever at the same strength. The more you avoid it, the longer the first stage of extremely painful grief will continue. The counselling to deal with your grief might not be working because you are denying facing your grief by drinking.

I don't think counselling for anxiety will work either while you're drinking either -certainly didn't for me. I'd go listen, nod, promise myself I'd improve and then wipe out all the progress and good intentions by drinking.

I didn't need to face and act because I was drinking and that 'cured" everything. Until I'd sober up the next day and all the shit would start again. So I'd drink again. The short term fix of drink stops the hard, long term fixes. It's quick. It's 'easy. But it stops any forward motion.

I am glad you are both trying to resolve this.
What he said was mean but I would imagine he has had enough.
Your behaviour is abusive as you continue to drink even though you know it upsets him.
Your anxiety is worsened because of it.
You appear to be an alcoholic.
I am the daughter of one and I am scarred for life because of it.
My father was emotionally unavailable as a parent and husband because of his drinking.
My mother cried herself to sleep all the time.She was a wreck.
They fought because of it.
I heard ALL of it.
It never leaves you.
The anniversary of a loved one is hard but you need to care for who is alive too ...you and your family.
Stop minimizing your drinking and get help
Best of luck

You may have left the thread, I'm not sure. But.. Do you feel invalidated by him? Like you're having all these big feelings you're having to numb, and he's saying you're just getting too worked up about things? As if what you genuinely feel (fury/tearful/quiet, whatever) isn't something to be respected?

I think your husband called you a bitch out of pure frustration, doesn't make it right. You need to quit the alcohol altogether, alcohol will only enhance your anxiety. Seems to me you are trying to justify your reasons for drinking.

@dustycaramel that must have taken so much courage to write that post, I admire you for facing up to your problems and including them in your post. You are a very strong person and don't forget that in your journey to recovery xx

Yes Eckhart. And that’s what I said, more or less, last night. He gets it. Says his behaviour is unacceptable, admits some control issues (although we both know what we are talking about is not abusive but an ‘off’ dynamic (we have seen abuse of this kind up close with my ex BIL.

He just wants to protect me from the grief, which I get. My best friend, his wife is in same place as me right now, similar timing, similar reaction, and I can see how he just wants to insulate her somehow. I don’t think you can but my DH wants to try. For anyone worried about him, he has been an absolute rock. Honestly, no end of examples but for one, he surprised me the other day with a new photo of her up.

One other ‘explanation’. He also loves my running and is proud of me and wishes I could commit more (total control thing on his part, wants me to be more like him - marathon running together etc, I’m happy with my 5k a day (and anyway what would we do with the DC). He thinks I can’t get my body healthy enough to up the running as he thinks I should if I have any alcohol. He’s cut it out virtually. He’s an HCP so is all body is a temple type.

He said he wants to get back to our big debates. Said he realises he has squashed me a bit. Was pretty upset with himself and genuinely apologetic. Can’t really explain himself.

He does say he was scared last year as he thought I couldn’t see that it wasn’t helping (I could). He didn’t like it as I didn’t confide in him and just talked to my friends (who are all big drinkers) and obviously my Dad and sister were both simultaneously hitting the bottle a bit, and my lovely grown up nephew too. He said I was more comfy with everyone else in my life, including colleagues, because of shared activity - drinking. Bit tragic I know. Probably true.

I took full responsibility for the first time although he won’t accept that and believes his behaviour has driven it.

Anyway, counselling when corona is done. Meanwhile we are going to get back to talking over puzzles every night and a ginger beer.

I’m not in counselling for anxiety by the way, just grief. Someone thought I was... but am simply medicated and see psychiatrist, virtually now I presume. Counselling is just a very lovely grief counsellor who is so old am guessing we won’t be chatting. That I will miss.

Thank you for the last post. Lovely and kind. I am quite strong actually, I went cold turkey on a serious, heavy, heavy drug habit in my twenties, gave up smoking from 60 a day to nothing. I started eating again after not being able to eat in public and throwing up every time I tried. I overcame OCD. I certainly used to think I was strong.

I feel pretty flimsy right now. I just miss her and so wish I could go back and do things differently.

You need to stop drinking.....no excuses....stop

Is it just me, or do some people talk to each other in a slightly rude way on here? Do people talk to other people like that in real life too? Maybe I am strangely sensitive!

I think your husband calling you a bitch shows that people speak to each other rudely in real life and online.

Alcohol is obviously impacting on your relationships and friendships. Drinkers surround themselves with drinkers.
You will find your true friends when you're sober.

Is it just me, or do some people talk to each other in a slightly rude way on here? Do people talk to other people like that in real life too? Maybe I am strangely sensitive!

People talk far more directly to each other in treatment. Because sensitivity and kindness are the friends of denial. You don't want to hear the truth in addictions so you rely on others to sugarcoat it. Then you pretend it's just sugar. And I'll say you're clearly intelligent and manipulative so you're very good at that. That's not an insult BTW, being manipulative is a sign of emotional intelligence albeit used for slightly dodgy reasons in this case.

You gave up disordered eating, drugs, smoking heavily. Do you see they are all just symptoms and you are swapping the substance but the issues are still there. Treatment is supposed to deal with the issues underlying the substance. I think you've been good at pretending it's the substance not the underlying stuff for years. (And I suspect your DH is doing the same with running and control!)

But you'll need a very skilled treatment centre or counselling to unpick it. If you don't hate them intensely, they aren't doing their job just so you are aware. Don't pick someone you like.

Is it just me, or do some people talk to each other in a slightly rude way on here? Do people talk to other people like that in real life too? Maybe I am strangely sensitive!

No, people are rude, tactless, project/assume and over simplify things on here.

Partly downside of online forum.

But also I think they do it because they can get away with it on an online forum.

Plus people get really jaded with so many posters and themes that are similar, hundreds, thousands even over years and get very blunt/harsh.

Btw mrsterrypratchetts's posts seen worth careful consideration.

It wasn’t disordered eating, it was social phobia focused on eating in public. Very different. Different diagnosis. Problem arose when I believed people thought I was too thin, might be disordered eating.

Agree but think important not to get diagnosis wrong.

The eating was globus hystericus, it wasn’t a swap out for drink, drugs etc