Husband just called me a bitch

[dustycaramel]

So the back story is that he is fed up with my drinking. I do drink, and too much. Am working on cutting down and have successfully cut out booze three nights a week, sometimes four. I've got to work harder.
I drank too much last nigh and we got into a small fight about how we are going to manage teaching etc, with me panicking about managing work. I knew he was cross with me today, and tried to raise it and he said he hated the way I get when I've been drinking. I tried to defend myself a bit and told him that I hate the way he shuts me out when he gets angry about it and stonewalls me (I think?) by claiming everything is okay when it clearly isn't. I have anxiety and find this really difficult. He then started shouting at me and called me a bitch and said fuck you. Left the room shouting fuck you, fuck off, fuck off. He's never done this before. I think I am to blame really at the heart of all this but I am so hurt and upset. Can't work out how we can come back from this. I'm leaving some details of what he said out because they are 'outing' so I can't give word for word, but if anyone has any ideas. Obviously it is a bit of a wake up call as to how much my drinking is upsetting him, so I am going to work harder at that. I take responsibility. But I am so hurt. It's the 2nd anniversary of losing my Mum in 11 days, I'm struggling, and I thought I had his support. I don't know if I'm entirely to blame. Really confused.

Yeah, but 5 is not 4.30 and if you dont need to get up then, why would you?
I'm not very clear what the suggestion was, but I would think my partner wasn't being entirely rational if they said they were getting up at 4.30am to prepare work for kids. And would be very upset if they were expecting me up at 4.30 as I am far from a morning person

It's 30 minutes difference.

And she proposed doing it in order to be able to incorporate some structure/learning (?) into her kids day alongside doing her work (is that right, op?). She's trying to do one and a half jobs in a day - that's why she's proposing an early start.
I'm wondering why her DH had to call her crazy for suggesting it.

Your

Exactly that. I still have to work. But I want to follow school timetable too.

I'm confused tbh so no point having a pop. In my head 5am is just about morning whereas 4.30 is still the middle of the night - at least that's my criteria with insomnia/toddlers

Its hard to tell from OP if her husband is abusive or at the end of his tether

No other persons actions justify being dependent on alcohol. That is a problem on its own. If OP's husband treats her badly that is a totally separate issue. It's dangerous to try corrolate the two.

No, it's not. It's necessary to break down how op cane to be alcohol dependent. Many many women with addictions have been in abusive relationships (whether they are obvious as such or not). I was trying to rule that out, so that there was a moment's thought given to it and not only the pile on on op telling her all his behaviour is her fault because he's at the end of his tether with her drinking and because she's a nasty drunk (with a hundred and one projections thrown in).

No two ways, op needs to stop drinking, totally.

Whether she also needs to get rid of her DH sooner or later remains unclear.

At best it may be that they need ways of improving their dynamic/interaction re. her anxiety.

He’s not abusive. But he can be a dick. He was last night.

I do often get up at 4.30 anyway. But that’s by the by.

He was just convinced I was overreacting about school. Need for structure. I don’t think I was. It got to me a bit. I’d had too much to drink, I cried through frustration.

While drinking green fucking tea.

He called me a bitch this morning. Over coffee. Dick.

The primary issue here is your alcohol problem.

Deal with the relationship issues later.

Also I can tell you that my sister, now an alcoholic, was a (admittedly heavy) social drinker until she got into a relationship with an abuser, and over a few years became an alcoholic.

She is still one years later and will not get help. She lives with another alcoholic/enabler.

And yes perhaps something else could have precipitated that "development" but I watched it, as my whole family did, and he is partly culpable for her alcoholism.

She is responsible for using alcohol on that way and for refusing to get help to stop. She had tried numerous times but always slides back. My repeated suggestion to get help from our local centre fell on deaf ears. We have next to no relationship now anyway.

But her ex was a factor. The stress, distress, anxiety, pain etc he caused her tipped her over into something she's never come out of.

We need ways of improving our dynamic. Me to sort my anxiety and drinking. And him to be less of a nob sometimes.

He’s a good man. Honestly. I would never be in an abusive relationship. I’ve seen them.

My mum died for Christ’s sake. I miss her. I drink because of grief mainly, secondly anxiety. Has to stop. But that’s in my control.

Ultimately until you stop drinking nothing is going to be as bad as your drinking. He is using it as an excuse for everything - it’s only when you stop that he’ll be able to examine the things he does wrong.

Appreciate concern Gilbert. Honestly though, it’s not that. Am shocked because this bitch thing is so out of character.

You’ve said you’re dependent, so it isn’t currently in your control. there are good threads on here on alcohol abstinence support and you say that through your work you know about services that could jelp.

I like that Grumpy. That’s what I was saying about my voice.

*The primary issue here is your alcohol problem.

Deal with the relationship issues later.*

I agree.

Op you've been piled on here and stuff ignored, but ultimately you need to too drinking full stop so you can see the wood for the trees (and we can for that matter) clear of the alcohol issue.

You may need help, how that's going to work in the current situation, fk knows.

Have you had counselling for your anxiety, have you foundd any successful coping measures to avoid self medicating?

Thanks Gilbert. Been under medical supervision for years, periods in The Priory (many years ago/ for anxiety not drugs or alcohol), got my psychiatrist. See a counsellor for grief. On medication.

Self help- I run, I do puzzles, I do colouring. I work.

‘‘Tis a like on indeed! Quite scary. Will be breaking shortly as awaiting a smear test right now.

Amazed they are still doing them and tried to drop out (before I get a corona pile on), they insisted.

*pile on obvs

I don’t want to say too much but I don’t think the 12 step programme is for me.

Have you tried it? With an open mind? For the people it works for, it's quite literally a lifesaver but it only works if you work it. The first step is to admit that you have a problem you can't control and I don't think you're there.

I know of better routes.

Then take them, but you have to engage and not just look for excuses to continue drinking, just a bit less (at first).

My experience of working with families where there is a drinker is that he ALSO has issues. You don't get together with someone and put up with years of drinking without there being some co-dependency. So yes, his behaviour could well be unacceptable and yes, maybe your anxiety and then drinking means he can get away with behaviour that a well and happy person wouldn't put up with.

You have no control over any of that. What you can change is your drinking. I know many people who gave up drinking and then realised how unhealthy their relationship was and ended it. But the drinking is still the first thing to deal with.

He called me a bitch this morning. Over coffee. Dick.

Slight irony here. He’s a dick because he called you a bitch. Are you a bitch because you called him a dick?

Just get support to stop the drinking. The rest will follow.

I didn’t call him a dick to his face.

Been under medical supervision for years, periods in The Priory (many years ago/ for anxiety not drugs or alcohol), got my psychiatrist. See a counsellor for grief. On medication. That changes things quite dramatically!

Stop drinking!

Talk to your psych about your need for this crutch, though I'd expect you already have.

Accept that your DH is probably exhausted with all the additional mental load your own issues have added to his life and appreciate that when he blew up he was probably totally pissed off with the additional pressure you seem to be putting on yourself, and him by extension. NOBODY gets up at 4.30 if they don't have to. He was probably thinking about you running yourself for so many hours a day with no let up and wondering what would hit him next!

SLOW DOWN! With a 4.30 start, finishing your workday by lunchtime, starting your home day, running, running a house etc it sounds as though you are forever travelling at full tilt! Why do you neeed to do that? I know one obvious answer that I assume you have discussed with your psych, but you do need some down time.

SLOW DOWN!