Husband just called me a bitch

[dustycaramel]

So the back story is that he is fed up with my drinking. I do drink, and too much. Am working on cutting down and have successfully cut out booze three nights a week, sometimes four. I've got to work harder.
I drank too much last nigh and we got into a small fight about how we are going to manage teaching etc, with me panicking about managing work. I knew he was cross with me today, and tried to raise it and he said he hated the way I get when I've been drinking. I tried to defend myself a bit and told him that I hate the way he shuts me out when he gets angry about it and stonewalls me (I think?) by claiming everything is okay when it clearly isn't. I have anxiety and find this really difficult. He then started shouting at me and called me a bitch and said fuck you. Left the room shouting fuck you, fuck off, fuck off. He's never done this before. I think I am to blame really at the heart of all this but I am so hurt and upset. Can't work out how we can come back from this. I'm leaving some details of what he said out because they are 'outing' so I can't give word for word, but if anyone has any ideas. Obviously it is a bit of a wake up call as to how much my drinking is upsetting him, so I am going to work harder at that. I take responsibility. But I am so hurt. It's the 2nd anniversary of losing my Mum in 11 days, I'm struggling, and I thought I had his support. I don't know if I'm entirely to blame. Really confused.

GH type thing - you know what I mean- I couldn’t get anything past it so it just came up and out. Awful time.

Not offended by the manipulative thing. It’s said in context of a proper conversational post. Not rude.

I had an invalidating partner and found myself drinking too much. I stopped drinking. It didn't take long for the balance to tip. I was regularly upset in the relationship, and when I've had a few drinks, I lose my composure if I get upset. When I stopped drinking, I just started saying 'It hurts me when you say that' and 'You're not listening to me' and 'You're minimising my feelings'. My upset wasn't the cause of the relationship, my behaviour around it was. Once I stopped that behaviour, the root of the problem became clear: my partner kept doing things that upset me, and had no interest in reaching a compromise. In fact, I was actively blamed for being upset.
I don't know if this might help, OP. You could use 'fixing your relationship problem' as a spur to help you stop drinking. Always bearing in mind that one way of fixing a relationship problem is to stop being in the relationship.

Wow, your husband has really fallen on his sword there hasn’t he. At least he’s admitted it’s all his fault op, and just how awful he’s been to you. Hopefully he can see a way to improve on his behaviour, as shocking as it is. And you’re such a good person accepting his apology and sticking with it. Really, that takes a big person.

Alternatively.....

Oh FGS. Thought people were worried he was abusive? Demonstrating not.

You weren’t there Bluntness. The way I write it is not the whole story of what we actually said.

It’s getting a bit weird now for me.

You seem to be making many excuses not to stop drinking.

You gave up disordered eating, drugs, smoking heavily. Do you see they are all just symptoms and you are swapping the substance but the issues are still there. Treatment is supposed to deal with the issues underlying the substance. I think you've been good at pretending it's the substance not the underlying stuff for years. (And I suspect your DH is doing the same with running and control!)

I think this is a really valid point from a PP as (even removing disordered eating from the equation) it shows a cycle of an addiction / dependence - drugs, smoking and now alcohol.

There's an underlying issue of not feeling either willing and / or able to work through issues without an unhealthy external crutch to distract or numb.

I know you're aware that you've always suffered with anxiety but I wonder if you can see that this cycle is not allowing you to deal with it.

Going cold turkey in between doesn't show that you can choose whether or not to do these things, it shows that you likely start using them or up your usage of them at times you need to be processing and working through difficult emotional stuff.

You're right, we don't know you or your husband so we can only respond to what you've told us yourself.

It does feel like you are an incredibly defensive person, which I know is natural at a time you feel so vulnerable, but a defensive attitude is very hard for someone else to live with alongside an alcohol dependency.

I do feel that just as you feel (which makes sense) that life has battered you recently and this thread has too, your husband may feel he's been rather cornered into accepting an awfully big share of responsibility and accountability for what is a complex situation that you do need to accept a large slice of accountability for.

Try to remember that when people don't hold you accountable, they are enabling you rather than allowing you to get well.

Ex addict here too and I can tell you that breaking the cycle for good is a painful and difficult process but massively worth it in the long run.

I've had to hear and genuinely take on board they ways in which my behaviour has affected others. I've listened properly, processed them, taken responsibility and it's humbling, was at times embarrassing and upsetting but again worth it.

I’m sorry if I seem defensive but I am really confused because as far as I’m concerned I’ve accepted these points and committed to stop and just keep getting people telling me I’m excusing it and have no intention of doing so.

It’s just really dedicated goading if you ask me, like as if people are saying, you won’t do it, you won’t do it.

I don’t understand what drives that and I am finding it a bit combative. I can withstand it, but I wonder if others could. If I wasn’t determined it would prob make me give up at the first hurdle.

Also does nobody think drugs (stopped 26 years) ago, and drink (only became a problem a year ago) may be unconnected? Anxiety common theme but was also deeply hedonistic- it wasn’t straightforward.

I’m sorry but I can’t take cigarettes seriously as a prop on that list! I also ate a lot of double egg McMuffins at the time, was that a problem too?

Apols if defensive but it just seems a bit OTT.

Also I just think I want professional advice. Too much missed here, am half playing with kids, half cooking, I’m not putting in all info, you can’t hope to have all relevant info. At some point this becomes dangerous.

Drugs hedonistic I mean

I based what I said on what you said, which was:

I am quite strong actually, I went cold turkey on a serious, heavy, heavy drug habit in my twenties, gave up smoking from 60 a day to nothing.

And you've now said my reaction is OTT because:

Also does nobody think drugs (stopped 26 years) ago, and drink (only became a problem a year ago) may be unconnected? Anxiety common theme but was also deeply hedonistic- it wasn’t straightforward. I’m sorry but I can’t take cigarettes seriously as a prop on that list! I also ate a lot of double egg McMuffins at the time, was that a problem too?

You called it a "serious heavy, heavy drug habit".

You said you smoked "60 a day" which is not hedonistic it's an addiction.

You brought those things up.

No, I don't think they're unconnected, I think they are very clearly connected.

Yes, you said drink only became a problem a few years ago. That was my whole point, that serious, heavy drugs were 'only' a problem for a while, smoking 60 a day was 'only' an addiction for a while and drinking has 'only' been a problem for a while. So you've been in a cycle of heavy usage of addictive substances during your adult life, albeit perhaps with gaps between peaks in that cycle.

You're clearly very intelligent so I genuinely don't understand how you can't see a connection between those things.

People like me have taken the time to share experiences and advice because you asked for advise and then you've come back and effectively said no you're wrong, over the top and taken the piss saying by you comparing smoking to mcmuffins, then you've dismissed poster like me saying you just want professional advice and this thread is taking up too much of your time.

I was trying to help in a kind and constructive way because I could tell you were feeling attacked and vulnerable. So it's a shame.

I meant advice not advise

I’m sorry but I can’t take cigarettes seriously as a prop on that list! I also ate a lot of double egg McMuffins at the time, was that a problem too?

Literally anything can be. Too much exercise, reading, religion, anything. When an addict is white knuckling anything that distracts from their actual issues is an issue.

Think of it this way, really basic. I have something terribly sad to deal with. I can cry, feel sad, work through slowly and eventually get to a bearable point, with small falls back into terribly sad thoughts. I work through it, I gain skills and learn to cope. OR... I have the same sad thing. I avoid those feelings with drunk, drugs, exercise, gaming, egg McMuffins. I never work through them. Every anniversary or small fall back destroys me because I have developed no skills or coping mechanisms. Every time I avoid feeling the depths of feeling because it's too hard and I'm avoidant. I never properly process it and never come out.

Maybe I'm wrong. But if your very first reaction is anger at how wrong I am, or defensiveness, it's worth examining with a professional. And you need a very skilled one because you're very good at this.

3 things stand out to me in this post

• you say I'm stopping at least for now. I'm sorry but I think you need to see this as a forever thing. Alcoholics can never go back to the occasional drink because it's too easy to slip back in to bad habits. You need to be teetotal.

• your therapist encouraged you to cut down but not stop- I don't think you have been honest with them about the amount of drinking you do that would not be good medical advice for an alcoholic.

Oh and I agree with your husband, he could have said a lot worse then bitch, and if you yourself say this is out of character behaviour for him, think how much your behaviour must have been pushing him for him to snap and say it.

And @BackseatCookers thanks for sharing. It might not help the OP right now but it's sowing seeds. Only some grow.

The drugs were hedonistic. Not the cigarettes. That was just to be able to sit outside at work and doss about. I only mentioned because some of asked about strength. I mean, yeah i was proud of giving up cold in one swoop.

Sorry, but it just seems a bit much. They are totally different things. With decades in between. My life then bore no resemblance to my life now. My issues then were nothing to do with my issues now.

McMuffins, sorry. Flippant.

I’m a bit serious though, I have a serious milk drinking habit. I drink gallons (Coronavirus a real worry for me!) husband jokes it’s like crack to me. First thing I think of in the morning. Last thing I do at night. But I don’t abuse it. Obviously.

I just think we are all susceptible to bad times with stuff. I have got myself in a pickle. Obviously not good. Got to address. But all this serious underlying issue stuff, I have a psychiatrist who knows me well. My issues are related to grief for my Mum, and obviously (forever) anxiety. But it’s clinical. It’s not rooted in my childhood or anything else, I think we would have found that by now. Been seeing psych since 2001.

My issues then were nothing to do with my issues now.

A total absence of connection between mental health / habitual / addiction / coping skill issues is so rarely true that I'm shocked you genuinely believe that.

I give up I think, thanks @MrsTerryPratchett for some acknowledgment I haven't just come on a thread and been an arsehole.

Strawberry you haven’t read my posts correctly I don’t think. Too many details out.

MrsTerry, I respect you. You obviously know what you are talking about but I think you are overestimating me with this whole manipulation thing. I’m interested, a tiny bit incredulous and mostly pretty distracted

I 100% buy the burying your issues thing, that’s the point! But I don’t buy the underlying issues thing, because they just aren’t the same. I honestly live a very different life now to my life in the 90s and 00s. I don’t recognise that old me.

Can’t you see that? Does that not make sense? Really??

Backseat I don’t think you are an arsehole at all!!

It was a build up of other people saying this, not just you.

I thank you for your time. You’re not necessarily wrong, I think you are but I may be wrong?

It was the minimize /denial crew that got to me the most. When I’ve bloody acknowledged it.

Sorry if I made you think that. Honestly I just feel so bewildered by what’s happened here that I can’t keep up.

Honestly, without reading back I don’t think it was you that got to me.

Tea time. Sorry to anyone I’ve offended, but you try being on the end of this.

This sounds like my mum and dad. My mum has a drink problem, has for years. She doesn't get herself drunk, but drinks most nights and even after the first one her personality changes. It slowly but surely drove my dad mad (he had issues with drink because of his father anyway, and was basically teetotal. Also he thought my mum would turn into her dad, he was an alcoholic). Eventually it got to the point where my dad drive my mum out of the house, it was dreadful. He became extremely aggressive and it all ended with them both being arrested, and my mum coming to live with us for 6 months. She is now in a council house, when she should be in a mortgage free home.
Don't let this ruin your families life.

This has all got very complicated as people are trying to follow the OP but it seems all over the place.
I'm not really sure how people can help as we don't know your life OP, only what you write and its hard to follow.
One thing is clear though that there are many underlying issues here and it's all got muddled.
I say it again though, focusing on your relationship while trying to sort out your drinking is going to be too much. This will just go on and on.

I 100% buy the burying your issues thing, that’s the point! But I don’t buy the underlying issues thing, because they just aren’t the same.

I think then you've misinterpreted people's comments and it's worth you reading them back with a level head and open mind another time.

Personally, I meant that the buying issues thing IS the underlying issue.

The issue is the way you really with issues.

Your go-to coping mechanism is using substances as an emotional crutch.

It's the coping mechanism that IS the issue.

I fear you're rather playing semantics as you feel attacked but plenty of people on here have tried to help, you've just chosen to engage with the bits you feel slighted by as opposed to approaching with an open mind.

Typo, that was meant to say

Personally, I meant that the BURYING issues thing IS the underlying issue