Husband just called me a bitch

[dustycaramel]

So the back story is that he is fed up with my drinking. I do drink, and too much. Am working on cutting down and have successfully cut out booze three nights a week, sometimes four. I've got to work harder.
I drank too much last nigh and we got into a small fight about how we are going to manage teaching etc, with me panicking about managing work. I knew he was cross with me today, and tried to raise it and he said he hated the way I get when I've been drinking. I tried to defend myself a bit and told him that I hate the way he shuts me out when he gets angry about it and stonewalls me (I think?) by claiming everything is okay when it clearly isn't. I have anxiety and find this really difficult. He then started shouting at me and called me a bitch and said fuck you. Left the room shouting fuck you, fuck off, fuck off. He's never done this before. I think I am to blame really at the heart of all this but I am so hurt and upset. Can't work out how we can come back from this. I'm leaving some details of what he said out because they are 'outing' so I can't give word for word, but if anyone has any ideas. Obviously it is a bit of a wake up call as to how much my drinking is upsetting him, so I am going to work harder at that. I take responsibility. But I am so hurt. It's the 2nd anniversary of losing my Mum in 11 days, I'm struggling, and I thought I had his support. I don't know if I'm entirely to blame. Really confused.

I agree OP. Cutting down alcohol is not going to help. You need to cut out completely.

Being on the other side is very very difficult. I am sure you can see that.

I wish you all the best. You have made the first step by realizing there is a problem.

I think you need to stop drinking. One of my family members were dependent on alcohol after losing a friend and it was horrific to live with. Everyday I returned from school you could guarantee said family member was already drunk. They were lovely when sober but an awful bully, nag and burden after even just one drink. That was around 15 years ago and they are no longer alcohol dependent but as soon as they have a drink even now I hate the person they become. I’m just scarred from it even though I like a drink and I’m always around others that are big drinkers. I drink when I’m happy and with friends. You should not drink if you are upset/angry/anxious etc. Please just stop drinking. You don’t see the monster you have become.

I am probably going to be a bit harsh here, OP, but you and only you, have any means to put any of this right. And that starts with owning ALL behaviours arising from your drinking, his and yours!

I think I am to blame really at the heart of all this If you drink too much and you act differently then yes, you are.

but I am so hurt and upset. That really isn't an feeling you can lean on any more. Your emotions, the way you cope with them are why you drink. You have to change that

Can't work out how we can come back from this. You may not be able to. No matter how you feel your DH is feeling worse as he has been watching you do this to yourself and has not been able to discuss it with you in any meaningful way. He has reached the end of his tether.

Obviously it is a bit of a wake up call as to how much my drinking is upsetting him, so I am going to work harder at that. You can't work at it or even try... you have to do! And that might mean AA meetings, talking to your GP, making your problem public, getting help from any and all external providers you can access.

I take responsibility. Good

But I am so hurt. You have to try and ignore that, it is an emotion that will derail your attempts to make changes.

Good luck.

I am listening and agreeing with you all that I need to stop drinking.

I don't know why I feel the need to defend myself to strangers on the internet, but is there room to accept that not everyone who has a drinking problem is also an arsehole and mean when they've had too much to drink?

I would never be like that 'fuck you' thing, that's abusive in my opinion.

I just get panicky. And something relatively small (how to manage kids at home around work) got blown up, and I got anxious, and emotional. To my mind, the same as I would when sober because of the anxiety, but who knows, as he didn't record me, obviously worse otherwise he wouldn't get stressed.

But I'm not bloody abusive.

Am working on cutting down and have successfully cut out booze three nights a week, sometimes four. I've got to work harder.

This jumped out at me.

You cut booze out less than half the week. Occassionally more.

You know what's its causing trouble in your marriage. But you are still drinking most of the time.

OP, I won’t repeat what everyone else is saying, PP have articulated it better than me.
Just want to add (from personal experience) that the single biggest thing you could do to help your anxiety is ditch the booze. Wine, especially, gives me terrible anxiety. I think it might be time to show your husband what really matters to you.

But you know you do that.

You want him to have a serious conversation with someone who is drunk and whose drinking causes them to over react.

And you keep doing it.

The anxiety pre-dates the wine. The anxiety has been there since childhood. I have a psychiatrist who monitors all this and has encouraged me to cut down rather than give up. I will talk to him and my healthcare team I think, they have said not AA previously.

Yes OP my family member used to come and burden me with all their life problems too. I was in the middle of my GCSEs I didn’t need the added pressure. Alcohol is making your anxiety worse which gives more reason to give it up. There’s nothing worse than being around drunk people when you’re stone cold sober yourself. Imaging living with that 4 nights per week? You need to cut it out completely not just cut down.

When you say burden you with your life problems is that how you interpret it? We were talking about how to arrange next week - is that not a joint problem?

He thinks they should just play. I think we need to be organised and work out how to block book work so that we can do the timetable, half each. He said he couldn't predict his work, I said we needed to work together so that we can each take responsibility. I mentioned that I will get up at 4.30 so that my work day can be mostly done by lunchtime (I usually leave the house at five anyway under normal circs), he started on at me, 'that's a hysterical overreaction, don't be so dramatic, what's wrong with you, you're crazy' etc, and I felt that was belittling of my view that the girls need to have structured time, and just downright rude actually to call somebody crazy/hysterical. I still think it was dismissive of my view, and am still bloody furious about it.

but obviously you're not allowed to be right if you have had too much to drink. I will stop drinking so that I can have my voice back I think.

The anxiety pre-dates the wine. The anxiety has been there since childhood.
Same here, I’m not saying wine has caused it, it didn’t for me. If anything, the anxiety caused the drinking. And then they both make each other worse.
But sensible drinking (which includes not drinking at all when I’m stressed) enabled me to get control of it to the point I no longer suffer from anxiety.
I’m not trying to have a pop, but you’ve switched from your OP in which you admit drink is the problem, to denial and minimisation. I did it myself, countless times. Lose the booze and everything gets better. Not perfect, but improved.

Not a chance would I be making plans for next week with someone who was drunk.

No said you cant have a voice. But if you think its constructive to have a serious conversation when you are drunk and think he must engage, the your judgement even when sober (presuming you are sober now) is way off.

Thank you LaLoba. I agree it is very much chicken and egg. For many years in my youth it was drugs to cope with the anxiety, more recently it has been booze.

I know I've switched a bit. I do absolutely take responsibility.

And I'm stopping drinking.

But I'm not a bitch and I resent being called one by my husband. A lot.

Op how does he say your behaviour manifests when you’ve been drinking?

It’s clearly a change, he’s telling you he hates it, but you say you just get panicky, emotional, anxious and blow up small things. What does that look like in reality? What is he sitting dealing with? How does he say your behaviour changes, not how you think it does?

And yes to a certain extent it is abusive if you know deep down what you do, know your partner struggles with it emotionally and you keep subjecting them to it night after night.

He thinks they should just play. I think we need to be organised and work out how to block book work so that we can do the timetable, half each. He said he couldn't predict his work, I said we needed to work together so that we can each take responsibility. I mentioned that I will get up at 4.30 so that my work day can be mostly done by lunchtime (I usually leave the house at five anyway under normal circs), he started on at me, 'that's a hysterical overreaction, don't be so dramatic, what's wrong with you, you're crazy' etc, and I felt that was belittling of my view that the girls need to have structured time, and just downright rude actually to call somebody crazy/hysterical. I still think it was dismissive of my view, and am still bloody furious about it.

Do you think you drink to any extent because of him? Is any of your anxiety due to him?

Is he often irresponsible/dismissive/disrespectful?

Did you say him telling you to fuck off etc. is v uncommon?

As she was anxious in her youth it’s clearly not his fault. Why do some posters always try to make it the mans fault.

But he was engaging, we were just talking normally. I had finished drinking and was nursing my second green tea of the evening. Everything was fine until he started telling me I was crazy for suggesting that I would get up at four thirty. I found that ridiculous as after all I normally am out of the door at five.

I am sober now, yes.

It really sounds like your drinking enhances your anxiety.

It also sounds like your drinking lowers your dh's ability to respond to you and your anxieties.

Nothing is as clear as "all you fault" or "all his fault". There is always wrong doing each way. However I stand by what I said earlier, when you drink is not the time to address your anxieties. It is an unhealthy and unhelpful environment to try and get anything done and will just lead to you both behaving badly. You need to address that.

You don't think you're that bad OP, but I guarantee that from your husbands POV you're a completely different person to one you think you are when you've had a drink.

My mum was an alcoholic - she had been from the day I was born. She died just over a year ago from a PE, but a secondary cause on her death certificate was alcohol intoxication. She drank herself into oblivion, didn't realise that she was suffering from symptoms of DVT and that clot broke off, caused a huge heart attack and killed her.
If she was sober she would probably still be here.

If you asked my mum, she would've said that she wasn't that bad and definitely not abusive when she'd had a drink. She'd say you couldn't even tell.
I can tell you that she was wrong. I spent my entire childhood and teenage years petrified about going to school in case I came home and my mum had had a drink.
She was abusive, violent (I'm not saying you're violent at all), obnoxious and an all round horrible person.

We were constantly on edge waiting for her to pick up a drink. Walking on eggshells to ensure we did nothing to upset her. It was exhausting.

Your husband calling you a bitch is wrong there's no two ways about it.
However, you admit yourself that you've got a problem with alcohol and that your use is creeping up. Doctors and psychologists used to tell my mum to cut down and she physically couldn't; it was completely sober or absolutely hammered. No in between.
You need to try and start keeping a dry house. If you want a glass go to the shop and by a miniature. Take the temptation away - I never bought alcohol while at home ever, neither did my dad.

You need to start making changes now. Not just for the sake of your husband and yourself, but the DC too; don't underestimate just how much a parent bring alcohol dependent affects their lives. I'm in therapy now to try and understand what I went through as a child - her drinking has caused me no end of problems; problems that have, unfortunately, outlived her.

Thank you for that post TooMany. It does hit home. I do take your point. And you are probably right. Although when I have said to my husband about the girls he has scoffed and said it's hardly that bad!

I am sorry about your Mum. A colleague died suddenly from PE last year. She had no warning signs at all. It was very shocking. So sorry for what you have been through with that and all the previous years.

My decision is made, I am stopping, at least for now. I guess thank you for the advice. I feel bloody horrible about myself now though.

Alcohol exacerbates anxiety.
Stop.
No he shouldn’t be calling you a bitch. Of course not.

I am sorry but you are an alcoholic. You can't 'cut back', you need to go sober. The language he used is really not pleasant and I would be so upset if my DP used it towards me, but I think you need an open conversation about why he snapped and acknowledging you need to go sober.

As she was anxious in her youth it’s clearly not his fault.

Doesn't mean he couldn't invoke it or make it worse.

Things aren't that simple.

Everything was fine until he started telling me I was crazy for suggesting that I would get up at four thirty. I found that ridiculous as after all I normally am out of the door at five.

I join other posters in thinking op should stop drinking full stop, however I think there's more to it with her DH.

His behaviour there doesn't sound reasonable.