Dislike sex

[willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme]

It’s quite hard to write about.

I haven’t had the most success with relationships, which is me being diplomatic.

I am now in a relationship. He’s nice enough.

I hate sex. I just find it a huge waste of time, attempts to arouse me leave me cold. Some things even make me feel angry which seems a really peculiar feeling to have when what you’re supposed to be feeling is passion!

Obviously this isn’t conducive for being in a relationship ... has anybody experienced this?

You're not 'supposed' to be feeling anything. If you don't fancy your partner, leave. You don't have to be in a relationship. You don't have to like sex.

What would you do if you followed your feelings? Does he excite you in other ways (passionate about same hobby, for example, or he's a fascinating conversationalist)? Or would you be just as happy without him?

That’s a really simplistic view, though eckheart and not hugely helpful. I’m not talking about my relationship, I’m talking about how I feel about sex generally.

Well it is helpful, because that's generally the way desire works. Do you have any sexual feelings at all? Because that's where you need to start working through.

There have been times that I've hated every second and times when I want to do everything with that person. And all comes down to whether I fancy them.

If you don't feel anything ever then that's different.

I don’t ever feel anything towards a particular person. That’s not to say I don’t have any sexual feelings at all, but I’ve never ‘fancied’ people much, and when I have it’s tended to not centre around sex, much.

Why do you feel it's a problem? Is it that you want to be in a relationship but don't feel you have the requisite desires to make this possible?

It’s a problem because I would like to enjoy a normal, loving, adult relationship

Could it be that you're asexual?

If so, you just need to find a partner who has a similar outlook on sex.

If you are with a partner who has a typical sex drive and you don't, the relationship is doomed to failure.

I am not trying to be difficult here, honestly I’m not, but it’s difficult to talk about and glib responses don’t help.

Do you masturbate? It's not compulsory to like sex and it's not healthy to do it if you don't like it.

Yes I do.

It's not compulsory to like sex and it's not healthy to do it if you don't like it

Whilst this is true, it rather precludes having a close loving relationship, which can make for a very lonely life

Exactly, which is why I would really like help with this.

From what you've said it seems as though you've not met the right partner yet. Do you mind if I ask how old you are?

Nearly 40.

You said you don't feel things towards other people - do you mean at all, like no emotion, or do you mean sexually?

Have you googled asexual dating? You could meet someone in the same position. Wanting to enjoy a 'normal' relationship... well, that depends on what normal is. You (and a partner) will create your own normal. There's no goal except contentment.

Or is it that you feel you want to make yourself like sex when you don't?

I mean sexually, I suppose. I’m not interested in asexual dating, I don’t think I am asexual - that’s not what the post is about, at all. And I’d be really grateful if people could stop trying to take it down that route.

Have you had any trauma related to sex? (You don't have to answer that - just a thought).

Do you ever have any thoughts about sex? Presumably if you masturbate then you have.

Are you ok with non-sexual physical contact? Where do you stand on kissing etc?

I don’t recall any trauma related to sex. I think my parents were very repressed about it. It wasn’t spoken about, not even a brief talk about periods. I do remember some really odd behaviour from them both, like going on holiday as a young teen and being chatted up by men in their thirties and forties and my parents finding it hilarious for some reason when I was really uncomfortable. I also remember being touched up on a packed train in Istanbul and just standing there - I don’t know why. But they are the only things that spring to mind.

Wow you are hard work OP, and being very rude. Your dislike of sex is naturally going to make people question whether you are asexual. Why so dismissive of that idea?

Get some psychosexual counselling. No one on here can tell you why you dislike sex. Especially when you vehemently disagree with every suggestion made.

Sorry. I was suggesting options to rule them out, because your original post wasn't that clear. But given that you've called pps (possible me, but that's also unclear), 'glib' and 'unhelpful' within your first few comments... Well, good luck.

I’m not being dismissive, qwerty, I just don’t think I am asexual and being flippantly advised, on the basis of very limited information, that this is what I am and that my future, if I have one, consists of finding a like-minded individual isn’t helpful, and I DO actually need help with this. That wasn’t intended to be rude, which you would know if you were sitting next to me. I’m just politely asking if we could stop insisting I am asexual.

Sorry but if you hate sex, you’ve never really fancied people, it leaves you cold.... the definition of Asexuality is “ the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity”. Why wouldn’t you feel that describes you? It’s not an insult!

It is glib to flippantly state that I need to find a “like minded individual” (who doesn’t enjoy sex) ... that’s so unlikely as to be impossible. It’s like suggesting buying a lottery ticket for someone in financial difficulty. That’s what I’m trying to say.

No, but I have also given some other details which don’t indicate I am asexual. Anyway, the thread is unfortunately becoming a personal attack. Apologies and thanks to those who did try to help.