Dislike sex

[willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme]

It’s quite hard to write about.

I haven’t had the most success with relationships, which is me being diplomatic.

I am now in a relationship. He’s nice enough.

I hate sex. I just find it a huge waste of time, attempts to arouse me leave me cold. Some things even make me feel angry which seems a really peculiar feeling to have when what you’re supposed to be feeling is passion!

Obviously this isn’t conducive for being in a relationship ... has anybody experienced this?

Sounds to me you are asexual OP like myself. I always have been but didn't know the name for it until my fifties and now live alone.
I loved my husband but loathed the sex.
Waste of time
Messy
Wasn't sexually attracted to him (or anyone) despite having a sex drive
Husband constantly trying to initiate sex and me refusing with a sense of doom
The above making me angry all the time
Ended up one night with me hissing at him just leave me the fuck alone after he's once again spent the whole evening trying to get me to have sex with him
Ended up me hating him because of the sex
Go over to AVEN website, you will find a lot of people like us over there.

OP you seem really upset about this, do you want to say something about your previous relationships? Perhaps give us a deeper understanding of what went on before?

You said:

I haven’t had the most success with relationships, which is me being diplomatic.

Do you want to talk more about that?

I used to think wouldn't it be amazing if we could just get up early, go for a walk, go and see a museum, spend the afternoon having a laugh somewhere. But always he wanted sex and just would not do anything without it, would just be in a massive sulk all day.

now the wealth of kindness, support and advice that others are able to access on here is denied to me

Nobody's denying you anything. But if you refuse to accept help, you won't have it. Your perception is strongly biased against those trying to help you. What did you want from posting? What was your aim? What do you need?

I am really upset about it. It’s an enormous part of life - sex, relationships, all of it, and I feel incredibly cut off from all of that and very isolated and unhappy as a result. I’ve never had a proper relationship. I used to think this was just circumstances but now I’m wondering if it’s something about me.

But that would annoy anybody, madcat, I’m not totally sure that’s the same as asexuality but anyway, who knows, I’m no expert. It just seems to me that being completely asexual would be highly unusual and something quite big to decide someone is on the basis of a few lines.

Do you ever feel turned kissing or having a massage? Is it just penetrative sex or all of it?

I felt like this OP.

Till I started having sex with women.

(I lived in an extremely homophobic household, and I think I repressed my sexuality largely to myself...)

I’m not in any way insinuating you are gay. But sexuality is a spectrum.

What society has taught us should ‘work’ for us isn’t always true. And there’s no shame in that. Explore your body/mind, open it up to experiences and you may find something you didn’t know you needed.

Nobody wants to be asexual OP, I hate it - it has ruined my life.
I have a sex drive just not with men or women.
Please, please go over to Aven and have a look. If anything it will settle your mind as to whether you are or not.
Your symptoms are textbook unless you have suffered from other things like abuse in which case not.
Asexuality is nothing to do with having been abused.
Have you considered counselling to work through your feelings.

People don't intend to attack you, they're just trying to be helpful. You are not asexual but it's not an attack to say someone might be asexual. People are just trying to be supportive, and accept you however you may be. xxx

As PP said, if you're not happy with and want to change how you feel about sex, you could discuss it with a therapist.xx

Okay mad it’s not helpful, please stop it.

2020 that has crossed my mind. I’ve definitely had ‘girl crushes’ but I don’t know ...my first big love was Robbie Williams at the height of take that hysteria, which is strange, I hate him now! but I think that’s the last time I felt ‘normal’, felt like I was doing what everybody else was doing relationship wise. I was a normal twelve/thirteen year old and I fancied a pop star as did most of my peers but where they did eventually at varying stages end up getting real relationships, I somehow never did.

Why are you so insistent that you're not asexual, OP? It strikes me a bit as if a man had posted to say he fancied men, but then just said 'No, that's not helpful' if people suggested he was gay. We don't need a life story for this stuff, because it's not a definition of a person, it's a definition of a trait.

I’ve tried to explain eck - because it is leading the thread down a path that isn’t the right one. But evidently that isn’t going to happen. So. I’m asexual, apparently.

If you want advice specific to your circumstances, perhaps see a sex counsellor.

No one can really offer any advice on an online forum other than their own life experiences

Sorry posted to soon

Other than their own life experiences that you don’t think you can relate to

elizabeth yes, it does very much make me feel something is wrong with me.

I’ve been single for most of my life, so I’m not sure I can answer if I’d miss it or not.

Have I ever wanted to have sex with anyone - yes. Recently, no.

cervois, there’s no way I could talk about this. In any event, I’m a little - dubious - about counselling, really it is talking about things, which is what I’m trying to do here.

As I e said cervois I don’t think I am asexual, and I don’t think it’s helpful to keep insisting I am. However, I’m the rudest person on all of MN to say so, apparently

Have you only ever had sex with men OP? Do you think that's the problem? That you're not attracted to men and therefore feel resentful and angry when they touch you, especially given your previous experiences.

Are you capable of friendship? Do you have other close relationships? Is it just sexual relationships which is the problem?

You really are being quite rude to people just trying to help... I imagine this situation is incredibly tough for you but people are doing their best to advise you based on the information you have given. And the information you have given does point to asexuality - there's nothing horrible about that!

Do you have the financial means to be able to start some psychotherapy which might get to the root of your problems, if perhaps you feel this way because of particular experiences in the past, or the way you were brought up? It might help to talk these feelings through with a professional as strangers on the internet can't really work through complex feelings and experiences.

Did you come from a family where you talked about things, were there any views that sex was bad or you should be/not be a particular way?

I've felt very cold from sex before, particularly for a while after a few distressing sexual experiences (which I guess could be termed sexual assaults), and it really affected the way I thought about sex, even if it's subconscious most of the time. Also something for you to think about - doesn't necessarily take an actual sexual assault to make you feel this way, but perhaps a few early relationships that made you think they only wanted sex, or they were controlling or something else that made you very wary.

Have I ever wanted to have sex with anyone - yes. Recently, no.

Aha! So you have been sexually attracted to people?

Are you sure you are with a partner you love and desire? If you team up with a man based on friendship and mutual interests but you don’t really fancy him then don’t be surprised you don’t have sexual feelings towards him. If a man I don’t fancy tried to touch me it would irritate me too. Maybe you are with the wrong person and not with someone you really desire. Lots of women can’t tell the difference between plain friendship and love and sexual desire and they muddle up these things.

Never any problems with friendship at all, have long-standing friendships.

I honestly don’t know 1234, I have been attracted to men, certainly, past tense. but I don’t know if I liked the idea of sex more than I would have liked the reality.

Just seen your reply re counselling - I know it seems horribly scary and that you couldn't do it, but you have nothing to lose (if you have the finances available) by giving it a try.

Yes, 1234, this is what I’ve been trying to explain.