Dislike sex

[willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme]

It’s quite hard to write about.

I haven’t had the most success with relationships, which is me being diplomatic.

I am now in a relationship. He’s nice enough.

I hate sex. I just find it a huge waste of time, attempts to arouse me leave me cold. Some things even make me feel angry which seems a really peculiar feeling to have when what you’re supposed to be feeling is passion!

Obviously this isn’t conducive for being in a relationship ... has anybody experienced this?

No, you’re taking what I’ve said in answer to you and others and putting it out of context. £35 is a lot of money to me right now.

Therapy is expensive.

But you only have one life and you're miserable and not living it the way you want to.

So, to me, it seems worth trying it.

Your last post was spiky...why are you so angry towards people trying to offer their best opinions? You are posting on an open forum, people aren’t professionals, they are real people with their own opinions and experiences. If you want people to behave exactly how you want them to, either pay them to or don’t bother at all. It’s so rude to be angry just because you don’t get what you want.

Is there a mismatch between how you imagine sex to be, and the reality of it?

Do you have tactile aversions- sensations you really dislike? DH will not put sun cream or moisturiser on my back. He loathes the feeling. So no massages for me!

When you really like someone, do you enjoy being physically close to them in a non sexual way?

Sorry for the barrage of questions- just trying to understand what this feels like from your point of view.

If you find OP rude and spiky, don't hang around.

A very very quick Google (in case my husband caught me and wondered what was going on 😂) seems to suggest a GP can refer you to counselling services which might help but I didn’t read if you need to hit any criteria to be referred

www.letstalkaboutit.nhs.uk/other-services/psychosexual-counselling/

Clicky link hopefully!

No, you’re taking what I’ve said in answer to you and others and putting it out of context. £35 is a lot of money to me right now.

Could you explain how OP?

You can self refer via the NHS for therapy though there may be a long waiting list. There are also other ways of finding cheap and affordable therapy such as training schools which you can look up online and see if they offer 'low cost clinics'. This is where a senior student may see you for a much reduced fee, in some cases £5.

Thanks, cervois, I can try to look into that.

pickle one of the problems is that I haven’t ‘fancied’ anybody for years, honestly ... the last time I can pinpoint being attracted to someone was 2007

@Splitsunrise I think the OP is upset and it's coming across as defensive or 'spikey'. This is a heartbreaking situation to be in, no one wants to be alone and most people want intimacy in their lives. I think she's frustrated and deeply unhappy and perhaps fed up with people trying to label her.

Please correct me if I'm wrong OP.

Ok cool, glad my post was helpful. So now we seem to have two things that might be helpful to you; 1) getting more in touch with your sense of desire, and 2) getting more comfortable to be able to communicate what you desire. Again, not just around sex, but what you want more generally. As a life coach, what I'd be looking to do with a client who was experiencing the same, would be to check in with how are you at saying yes and no to things? To be able to say "yes I want that thing" we first have to feel comfortable that our "No I don't want that" is heard and respected. There are probably hundreds of videos on you tube about boundaries, if that's something you'd like to learn about. A really good solid No enables a really good pleasurable Yes!

I'd also suggest having fun exploring for yourself what gives you pleasure. In the supermarket buying apples? Hmmm do I want the Cox apples I always buy or do I desire something a bit sweeter, or more bitter than last time? What about the chocolate aisle, which chocolate bar do I desire to taste the most? At home about to have a shower , which of my shower gels would bring me more pleasure to use today? Would it be more pleasurable to use my hands or my sponge to wash with? Have a play with how you normally wash, see if focussing on the sensation of your hand on your skin is more enjoyable if you use your nails, or a firm stroke vs a soft one. The point isn't that you will always know, but to enjoy the game of exploring and finding out what gives you most pleasure? Fish fingers for tea or steak pie?

There is a book that I would recommend which is really good. You have to look past the twee, overly american in your face language but persevere with it - it's called mama gena's school of womanly arts.

As for the communicating your desires part, I'd start small and least triggering with that too. Can you bring yourself to tell your man that you've really got a hankering for steak for dinner tonight? Could you write down on your phone just for yourself what scent of perfume you'd really like to have a sniff of right now? Text it to a friend? Even better to get a friend involved with you experiments with a text to each other once a day.

It's like that old adage of developing a muscle - start small, do often and build up strength. X

I’m perfectly calm, I have been polite bar one post which was largely posted to show that I was not in fact being rude.

If you like, I will create a separate thread for people to attack me on, but that would be a bit stupid, so perhaps if you think I’m despicable, just leave the thread, and if you want to help me, thank you.

I'd appreciate it if you answered my question OP.

How did I take what you have been saying 'out of context'?

Thanks temp, the strange thing is I don’t have any issues in those contexts. I just cannot talk about sex, at all, with anybody

Hi OP. You're having a rough time on here and that's a real shame when you've reached out for support / advice.

I'm the same age as you, broadly. My family also didn't talk about sex, relationships or the body when I was growing up and it affected me for many years - vaginismus in my case which thankfully is over, but also issues around relationships and trust. I think I shut down emotionally for many years. But I know I would have been protected in the situations you experienced and I'm sorry you weren't.

You've mentioned depression and I wondered if you are taking antidepressants. They can quell the libido.

Best wishes to you.

" I just cannot talk about sex, at all, with anybody"

This is why therapy would be good.

@willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme I don’t know if that’s aimed at me or not, but there’s no need to be over dramatic. People have posted lots of advice and suggestions (hopefully me included), nobody thinks you’re despicable or horrible. They may have posted things you don’t agree with but that’s not the same. Please try to be kind.

I'm not a great fan of labelling people's ways- we are all very nuanced, we'd need a category each!

What do you want, OP? What are you looking for?

OK 1234, here are my rude, spiky, objectionable posts:

Thats ... not hugely helpful

its a problem because I’d like to enjoy a normal, loving, adult relationship

im not trying to be difficult here, honestly I’m not, but it’s difficult to talk about and glib responses don’t help

id be really grateful if people could stop trying to take (the thread) down that (assuming me to be asexual) route

im not being dismissive ... being flippant advised that this is what I am (asexual) isn’t helpful ... and I do actually need help with this

Now I’m sorry but there is NOTHING there indicative of my awfulness of a human being. I’m simply repeating, over and over, perfectly politely, that some answers aren’t helpful.

You asked me ‘have you ever wanted to have sex with anybody’ and I replied that yes, I had, but not recently. You have decided, based on this, that this was a ‘drip feed’ and it isn’t. Present tense, I hate sex. You took my answer to you out of context and at the risk of getting five more pages about what an awful person I am, I think we might be best leaving it there, as I don’t think I’m helping you or vice versa.

split, I don’t think I’m the one being dramatic, I have been perfectly polite on here. It is others who keep insisting on turning the thread into an argument and to be honest, I just haven’t the energy for it.

pickle one of the problems is that I haven’t ‘fancied’ anybody for years, honestly ... the last time I can pinpoint being attracted to someone was 2007

And from the opening

Sorry posted too soon.
Basically OP does not fancy her dp.

@willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme I haven't been rude to you at all OP and I don't understand why you've turned on me.

All I've done is try to be helpful and find out what the problem is. You did drip feed.

I wish you all the best OP. I hope you find the solution you're looking for.

I haven’t turned on you at all, I’m saying that you are not quite correct with what you have been posting.

All the posters who have taken time to be kind and offer support, you might be wasting your time. OP is turning on even those who are patient with her. She genuinely doesn't seem to understand how what she's said could even be construed as spiky. I think this is very telling.