Dislike sex

[willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme]

It’s quite hard to write about.

I haven’t had the most success with relationships, which is me being diplomatic.

I am now in a relationship. He’s nice enough.

I hate sex. I just find it a huge waste of time, attempts to arouse me leave me cold. Some things even make me feel angry which seems a really peculiar feeling to have when what you’re supposed to be feeling is passion!

Obviously this isn’t conducive for being in a relationship ... has anybody experienced this?

Op, I have known several people just like you and they tend to fall into 4 categories.

1. Asexual
2. Abuse victim
3. Repressed Homosexual
4. Repressed sexuality from being raised in an environment where sexuality is wrong or hidden ect.

The solution for all 4 is psychosexual therapy to help you understand how you feel and why you feel that way. I'd suggest that from your feelings of embarrassment that 4 may apply to you and that your relationship with sexuality is unhealthy and therefore you can't engage with anyone on a intimate level regardless of how much you want to. I may be way off base here but that is just my opinion.

Sounds like trauma response (personal emotional distancing - emotion being a high part of sex generally) relating to childhood emotional (and other) neglect.

How are things with your parents now? Do you find that you spend a lot of time with them, talking to them, dealing with them? Do they fill up your headspace?

They are dead now, they have both been dead a while.

I haven't seen where you said, 'I know I'm not asexual as I've wanted to have sex with people in the past'.

Do any of these resonate OP?

Definitions
Asexual: Someone who does not experience sexual attraction or an intrinsic desire to have sexual relationships (or the adjective describing a person as such).

Demisexual: Someone who can only experience sexual attraction or desire after an emotional bond has been formed (or the adjective describing a person as such). This is different from the choice to abstain from sex until certain criteria are met.

Gray-asexual (gray-a) or gray-sexual: Someone who identifies with the area between asexuality and sexuality (or the adjective describing a person as such). For example, they may experience sexual attraction very rarely, only under specific circumstances, or of an intensity so low that is ignorable and not a necessity in relationships. (Note: the spelling of gray/grey may vary by country.)

Allosexual: Someone who does experience sexual attraction or an intrinsic desire to have sexual relationships (or the adjective describing a person as such). This category is also often simply referred to as “sexual”.

Attraction: A mental or emotional force that draws people together. This can be broken down into types, such as sexual, romantic, aesthetic, or sensual. This can be towards specific people, specific types of people, or a general personal feeling. Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, but some feel other types of attraction.

Aesthetic attraction: Attraction to someone’s appearance without it being romantic or sexual.

Romantic attraction: Desire of being romantically involved with another person, or holding strong romantic feelings towards another person.

Sensual attraction: Desire to have physical contact with someone else, like affectionate touching, cuddling, hugs, or kissing, that is not sexual or does not lead to sex.

Sexual attraction: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else or to share our sexuality with them. (Note: sexual attraction does not need to be based on appearance, and can also develop gradually over time.)

Sexual orientation: An identity or label typically based on the gendered direction of sexual attraction, or the lack thereof. For example, heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or asexual are sexual orientations.

Romantic orientation: An identity or label typically based on the gendered direction of romantic attraction. For example, heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or aromantic are romantic orientations. Some people may have different sexual and romantic orientations (e.g. a biromantic asexual).

Spectrum: A range of intensity of sexuality from asexual to sexual. People may use the term “asexual spectrum” to refer to a range close to the asexual end – levels of sexuality that are so low that they identify more with asexuality than other sexual identities.

Asexual umbrella: Asexuality and identities similar to asexuality, like demisexuality or graysexuality that are closely connected in a broader community.

Ace: An informal label for asexuals or people under the asexual umbrella.

Queerplatonic relationship: A committed relationship that is neither romantic nor sexual in nature but is based on an emotional bond beyond friendship, often between aromantic and/or asexual people.

My feeling is that some counselling or therapy with the right professional could be something that you find helpful. You've hinted at past relationships that haven't been good, and what you've explained about the way your parents have raised you and your early experiences as a teen/young woman might well be linked with how you feel about sex now. It would also be a private 1:1 chat with somebody knowledgeable and professional and not a pile-on of people-wot-know-best as can so easily feel like is happening on mumsnet.

Is there any physical touch with a partner that you enjoy? Do you enjoy kissing, or for example getting a foot rub?

Sex is ultimately an intense form of communication and intimacy, not a combination of moves. If you cannot be open and honest with your partner without getting defensive or shutting down, as you have here, it is entirely unsurprising that you are unsatisfied.

Genuinely, I think you would benefit from counselling to tackle your self-consciousness about communicating.

I have enjoyed kissing in the past, but not now. I don’t think I’d enjoy a foot rub but that’s more to do with finding feet generally a bit gross.

I know what you mean about counselling but I also know myself and I really couldn’t.

You might not have found the partner that is right and patient enough for you but if you refuse to discuss things with them, it’s near enough impossible for them to fulfil you.... maybe counseling would help?

I know what you mean about counselling but I also know myself and I really couldn’t.

Look, if you are as miserable and depressed about this issue as you say you are, you really need to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and trying things that seem impossible. Isn't it worth a try?

I know people say they know themselves and therefore they wouldn't be good at it etc - honestly, I don't think people do themselves as well as they think they do. I certainly don't know what's going on in my mind half the time, why I think the way I do or why I'm scared of something when there doesn't seem a logical reason.

I have had DPs in the past who say talking through things really isn't for them, it doesn't help, they feel too uncomfortable etc..... all have eventually admitted that actually it does help to talk things through, help them feel less alone, understand things a bit better.

As a first step, could you consider writing all your thoughts and feelings in a diary? I find this easiest in a word document on a computer as you can write things so quickly (if you're a quick typer anyway!)

It's not the same, but to me, sex went from mediocre to really good when I got in touch with my desires and what gives me pleasure (sexual but also in any way shape or form, e.g. a really nice ice cream) AND I started communicating clearly that I desired those things. That's now my basic formula for good sex - know myself well enough to know what I like, and be able to communicate to my partner what I want.

I'm mentioning it because it seems to me like there are two aspects to this - that you find communicating about it all really difficult (and by the way i acknowledge the courage it must be taking for you to post and stay engaged with the thread here), and separately but related, that you might find it difficult to engage with your own feelings of what you want. Would you agree with my suggestion that desire in both in sexual and non-sexual ways seems like it might as well be a foreign language to you? If I'm off the mark would you be able to describe it better than me?

Are you afraid to be alone?
And that you will live your life alone (and die alone) and that speeds up your fear?
Thinking that you HAVE to have sex, so you could ”get” in a relationship?

Not at all. I’ve spent most of my life alone.

Not off the mark, temp, that’s probably a really good post.

@willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme sorry I wasn’t insisting you are asexual or trying to suggest it. I can see that you feel you don’t relate to those who are bringing it up which is why I thought a counsellor might be able to offer a different approach.

Maybe there’s a specific sex forum somewhere on the internet and they may offer a different perspective that you could relate to more

"Wow you are hard work OP, and being very rude. "

I totally disagree and think other people are being quite rude. OP obviously would like to be in a 'normal' relationship. She has said she doesn't think she's asexual so it's not for anyone else to pigeonhole her as such. It's also not that simple to find another 'asexual' person to go out with.

I am similar to OP. Therapy helped me a bit, but I'm celibate and long-term single now. I would recommend therapy anyway though. Even if you don't change, it can help to talk to someone sympathetic and not people who just want to write you off as not suitable for relationships.

Good on Tem. Now we are getting somewhere!

OP is the problem that, you are attracted to men, feel a sexual attraction to them, want to have sex with them but, can't communicate what you want sexually to them. You therefore get annoyed and angry at them not being able to turn you on?

You don't seem to have a problem forming intimate or close relationships, so that's not an issue. You said that you have friendships.

You are sexually attracted to people and have been in the past. You do want to have sex ie you're not asexual.

This issue, is communicating your sexuality to your partner.

Is that right?

@willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme - I'm surprised that so many people are pushing you down the 'asexual' route, when it feels very clear to me that the roots of all this (as suggested by one or two previous posters) are in your childhood. I will bet my house on it.

Somewhere, and in some way, it was made very clear to you that sex was damaging and dangerous - whether that was told to you explicitly, or whether you experienced a traumatic breach of boundaries.

The only way to deal with this is to unpick it with a professional, and to excavate the causes of your current experience. The subject of your parents, their relationship to each other, and their relationship to you, would be a very good place to start.

"I know what you mean about counselling but I also know myself and I really couldn’t.

Look, if you are as miserable and depressed about this issue as you say you are, you really need to start pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and trying things that seem impossible. Isn't it worth a try? "

I did it in my 30s and really wish I'd done it in my 20s. I just wasn't ready though. I did go to one therapist in my late 20s who was just not the right person. The one I went to in my early 30s had been recommended to me by a friend.

"I'm surprised that so many people are pushing you down the 'asexual' route, when it feels very clear to me that the roots of all this (as suggested by one or two previous posters) are in your childhood. I will bet my house on it."

This is controversial and people will get angry, but imo there is an asexual lobby who try to get people to self-identify as such. They even look at people from the past who were celibate and try to appropriate them. There is no scientific basis for asexuality and no real proof that it's a separate orientation in the same way as heterosexual or homosexual.

Well, I didn’t want to cause offence but that was one of the reasons that I was trying (and I honestly did try to be polite) to steer the thread away from that was because I’m not at all convinced asexuality is a ‘thing’ at all and if it is, I don’t think it can be decided based upon a few words.

I can think about therapy but it is horrendously expensive

@Gwenhwyfar

There's no 'asexual lobby' on the thread forcing the OP down the 'asexual path' with pitchforks.

The definition of asexuality is: lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.

Which is what the OP described for herself regarding sex.

You're also being dismissive of those who do identify as asexual.

The OP says: I hate sex. I just find it a huge waste of time, attempts to arouse me leave me cold. Some things even make me feel angry which seems a really peculiar feeling to have when what you’re supposed to be feeling is passion!

This is why people were suggesting that she may be asexual.

She later drip feeds that she actually is sexually attracted to people and doesn't hate sex at all.

People were basing their suggestions, unsurprisingly on her own words and descriptions.

Well done all the posters for helping the OP. Everyone has been so kind and patient with her despite the extreme spikiness, it's really nice.

OP, I can see why your issue would upset you and make you angry. I really think some therapy would benefit you, not just for this particular issue, but to help you communicate better and understand your own emotions better. You had a massive go at some posters for just trying to help; that sort of approach doesn't go down well in real life, just like it doesn't online. Good luck.

Well,it was almost turning into a helpful thread.

Look, I haven’t been spiky at all. But I’m going to be really rude now - I AM NOT FUCKING ASEXUAL!

Boy, that feels better. Call me all the names you want now.

OP you're not asexual because you're sexually attracted to people and want to have sex.

You said the opposite in your opening post. In fact you said that you hate sex.

It seems that you want to have sex, find men attractive but have difficulty expressing your desires and needs.

That's very different to hating sex which is what you initially said.

You can get therapy for as little as £35 an hour. I already posted the BACP link for you to search. You can put in exactly what you are looking for in the search function. Perhaps see it as an investment in yourself as this is making you so unhappy. Cut back on something else to find the money for it.