Dislike sex

[willowsthetalesyouhavetoldme]

It’s quite hard to write about.

I haven’t had the most success with relationships, which is me being diplomatic.

I am now in a relationship. He’s nice enough.

I hate sex. I just find it a huge waste of time, attempts to arouse me leave me cold. Some things even make me feel angry which seems a really peculiar feeling to have when what you’re supposed to be feeling is passion!

Obviously this isn’t conducive for being in a relationship ... has anybody experienced this?

I haven’t been setting out to be hostile, and to be honest people coming on here purely to tell me what a horrible person I am is un helpful too

That's hasn't happened OP

It's quite possible you just haven't met someone you fancy and rings your bell.

Refer yourself for NHS counselling if you want to sort this out, it'll be a bit of a wait but better to get it sorted and to start feeling happier about things.

Hi OP reading this it feels that you are very resistant to exploring how you feel, why that might be, and possible ways forward.

The discussion about asexuality isn't really important because it would just be a way of categorising how you present anyway. It wouldn't give any indication of why that might be, whether you are happy with that or not, or things you could do to address this.

You obviously do want to address your feelings, and to do that you will need to explore in more depth what those feelings are, what they are linked to, what you would like life to be like for you in this area, and things you could do to work towards this.

That would be quite intensive work, you'd need to be open to exploring many diffeernt ways of thinking about this and what that might mean for you, and over time you could come to a deeper understanding of yourself and what you want.

On this thread though you do come across and closed and defensive and not open to the exploratory questions people are asking. That is fine you don't have to respond, you can do what you want, but unless you become prepared to be less defensive and more open, on here or in RL therapy, I don't think this is something you are going to be able to address.

Nobody's said you're an awful person, OP, and I for one neither believe that nor have said anything like it. My point was that the trouble that you're having with me and a few others on the thread indicates a communication issue, and a defensiveness, which, if carried over into your sex life, could be part of the cause of the problem you're having.

Jumping to personally insult someone who points this out, and then feeling victimised by MN, further highlights the issue.

As I said, no harm done by your deleted comment.

I’m amazed at the kindness and thoughtfulness being shown to an OP whose behaviour is rude, entitled and in my book frankly unacceptable. Feel free not to stick around OP, but do come back if and when you are prepared to play nicely 😂

I feel for you, OP, because it's clearly something you want to understand about yourself and move forward. Your attitude on the thread, particularly towards Eckhart, is really unusual and confrontational. I could be way off base but I'm wondering if there's something you're suppressing or if this discussion is triggering something. Either way I wish you all the best and i hope it's helped you figure some things out.

OP's responses remind me of someone I know who has very low self-esteem. Fearing that she is not as good as others, this person is terrified of other people confirming it by saying something unpleasant about her - and as a result, is ultra-sensitive, seeing insult where others do not.

OP, you say things have changed sexually since 2007? What else has changed since then? Does it coincide with deeper depression?

Literally nobody has said you are a horrible person. Can you copy the text where that has been said?

Lots of people have given up their time to suggest things and try to help you but you feel attacked and have posted a few times that people are derailing the thread by criticising you. That isn't happening, nobody is criticising you. Rather than a group of people all conspiring to hurt you, doesn't it seem more likely that you are being defensive and taking offense at mild things people have written? This isn't AIBU, everybody has been kind. Your perception is clouded and you're lashing out unnecessarily.

If you are this easily triggered in real life then it's no wonder you can't relax enough to enjoy a satisfying romantic life. Please consider therapy. Yes, it's expensive, but it's an investment in yourself.

Or some books you could try are:
Come as you are by Emily Nagoski
Vagina by Naomi Wolf
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone

I’m amazed at the kindness and thoughtfulness being shown to an OP whose behaviour is rude

We can all choose to respond with kindness whatever is being thrown us.

Op, a delicate question, but when you masturbate, what do you fantasise about? Is it men or women? Is there something else in there that floats your boat? What you think about whilst masturbating will give you a big clue as to your true sexuality.

I think the PP who is a life coach makes a great suggestion about you working out your desires generally in life and indulging them whatever they are. You sound so unhappy and I feel for you.

Your anger at sex appears to be mirrored in your anger at PPs (esp Eckhart) who have been kind.

It might be a difficult path to go down, but please get counselling focussing on (or certainly to include) anger, looking at your childhood to begin with. I found psychotherapy (EMDR in my case) exceptionally helpful. It's improved my physical health as well as my relationships and my mental health.

It's not uncommon for abused children (which I am) to be utterly repelled by advice however correct and well-meaning. It's set off quite strong reactions in me before. If that relates, know that things can get better. EMDR was £50 a session. Not cheap but worth every penny.

The issues around sex/ intimacy/ relationships may become clearer or even resolve from there.

You said you masterbate, could you just start by masterbating with your partner and have him touch you and explore and stop if you're uncomfortable and gradually build up to more sexual activity and eventually full sex by which time you'll know what works and what turns you back off.

Tiny steps and see where it takes you.

Try talking to him and get him working with you, light some candles, kiss take things really slow and stop if you need to.

Sounds to mme, too, like this is less an issue of technique, position etc. and more an issue of frame of mind.

What are the things that make you feel angry?

It honestly is as if something in me has switched off entirely.

OP, this describes exactly what happened to me, although i did have a good sex life before that happened.

For me it was hormone imbalance. For others it’s hypothyroidism or anti-depressants. After my experiences I honestly believe that there must be plenty of people who believe they’re asexual but who have an underlying medical issue, particularly relating to hormones. Just want to make sure you’ve investigated this as a possibility.

If you think it would be helpful to explore your own sexual desire by yourself, I’d recommend the book Come As You Are or buying a subscription to OMGYes, which I found massively helpful personally.

OP you said you suffer from depression
Are you medication?
I ask because when I take anti-depressants my libido vanishes.My sex drive is normally high but on AD's I literally feel numb from the waist down. I might or might not fancy the idea of sex but the reality is way different.
Previously I just wouldn't bother as the half arsed attempts at foreplay just turned me off more and made me internally angry! Masturbation was once in while, hardly at all. It improved a bit over time when I met my now Dh.
I'm not medicated at the moment and the difference is massive.

Maybe ask for a referral onto a sexual counsellor a colleague i work with used to do this. X

Could it be possible that you associate sex with being violated?

Your parents amusement at in appropriately aged men coming on to you (yuck) and the touching up scenario (also yuck).

You know you have sexual urges as you masturbate. When another person is thrown into the equation is where you seem to struggle.

Violated/vulnerable?

Hi, have you been with men who have hurt you sexually in the past?

I don't really like sex with men, because it reminds me of fear from my past.

I also think that being with the "right man" helps.

When you are with a guy that you really , really like - you do fancy him more. So I think that your body is telling you that this guy is not the right one for you.

You can stay with him of course. It is up to you.

I had a long term boyfriend that I never wanted to have sex with, ever. I thought it was me - that I just did not like sex.

We broke up.

I met my second boyfriend - and I wanted to have sex with him ALOT - because I felt more comfortable with him

Only just read this thread but just wanted to say @12345kbm I'm sorry OP turned on you. It was totally unwarranted. I recognise your username from other threads and know you are very supportive and offer constructive advice / thoughts.

I'm not sure how OP can't see that if almost everyone on her thread perceives her posts as spiky and rude, it may be that there's something in that and it's worth some self reflection.

We are all learning all the time, there's no shame in taking on board how our words come across to other people.

Hi op, I read this with interest. Can I ask if you fanced/wanted sex with this person originally and then it became a relationship or if you liked them as a person and thought you should/could/might fancy them?

OP, the issue here is something you have mentioned yourself, the topic for you is too nuanced, and then you're getting upset at people who are providing what you deem to be an incorrect diagnosis, despite these people never having met you and are doing their best with limited information to help. If you want a definitive answer the only route is psychosexual counselling. You may need to accept that a forum is not a place for a diagnosis of what reads to be an extremely complicated arrangement of feelings, no one here is an expert and can only offer advice based on their individual understanding of the situation, and their own experiences.

"Literally nobody has said you are a horrible person. Can you copy the text where that has been said? "

Oh come on. They may not have used the word horrible, but reading between the lines and some posters are extremely insulting towards OP.

This is just on example:

"an OP whose behaviour is rude, entitled and in my book frankly unacceptable. Feel free not to stick around OP, but do come back if and when you are prepared to play nicely 😂"

I wonder if the issue is how you see yourself, do you see yourself as a desirable attractive woman? Can you let go enough to be that woman in the context of sexual activity?

I'm not surprised that OP has been spiky, not that I think she has, with all the criticism, pushing and almost bullying she's been subject to. She's said many many times she's not asexual yet some of you persist in telling her she is